self-destruction?

I texted CRB today. After thinking about him all last night. And seeing if he was on facebook. I know that the only reason I did this is because I am lonely. And totally wanting to have sex. That said, I know I will not get sex or any sort of companionship from him. Nor do I want it. well that much.

And I want to go to the gym and I'm getting sick.

In this totally slefish way I want him to want me but me not want him, just be getting what I need. But it's this version of him that I have in my head that I know isn't accurate.

I just need some validation and intimacy from someone who isn't a friend, and isn't a crazy ex. And I think I just might have set myself up to be totally wrecked again, but I totally loved him saying he was very happy I contacted him. And I was happy. Similing, waiting for the responses.

fuck.

notes

I just added a bunch of songs and episodes of This American Life to my ipod.

I'm not wanting Christmas eve tomorrow. I just want my life to keep going as normal even though I'm feeling pretty neutral about my job. I think I'm a better receptionist than anything else. I'm just going to get two days off that don't really feel like days off.

I feel like parts of my life are secret. Worries about work, my nintendo, my hamster. I'm keeping these from my family because somehow I feel they reveal that I am still totally out of my mind. And I'll just get criticized rather than understood or helped.

My receipts for the year are a giant fucking disaster and I have to make sense of them before February so that my taxes are relatively simple to do. Which they won't ever be though because I have no idea how to do them myself now that I'm self-employed.

If anyone has Vancouver based recommendations for massage therapists, tax advisors, or single interesting men, pass them along to me.

Tiny List

1. Today I bought this bag in pink for my gym stuff. Not a purse, but not ugly.

2. I go to the gym every second day now. I've only been doing it for two weeks but I'm super committed.

3. After the last post about filmmaker he contacted me online like 15 more times in 5 days and basically got me totally freaked out. Not fun in the least.

4. I got a full bikini wax today. Everything. One of the estheticians and I stayed late and did it. It is good, but I think I'll leave a little bit behind next time.

5. I was thinking of putting this whole blog into book form just for me to have a record of it and then deleting it, but I may actually start posting again instead.

I'm still alive

but I am so sexually frustrated it's almost making me angry. And despite my best efforts I can't even give myself one simple fucking orgasm.

Way too long

I'm not going to update that last month really. Just that I've been working a lot and the wedding (plus vintage dress) was awesome. I really only need to come here (even though I'm the only one really) to work things out for myself. When I'm done I'm going to watch "Notting Hill", feel bad about being alone, and then go to bed. Well hopefully I'm just kidding about the second one. I might actually change the movie choice for that reason.

2 weeks ago:

Filmmaker contacted me on Facebook. I ignored. Just like I did about 2 months ago when he did the same.

On Friday:

After work I met Orange and we hung out for a few hours, just talking. Had dinner, wandered around. Looked at shoes. But two things happened, and later I felt sad about them. First, he was quizzing me about various things about my/womens sexual likes. I wouldn't tell him a thing. Partly because we were in public. I wish I could say that the other part was feeling like it was something private, or even being too shy, but that wasn't it at all.

It's that I am feeling more nonsexual these days than I have in a very, very long while. I've wanked maybe 4 times since I moved in the spring. That's not at all an exaggeration (underexageration?). And I will admit that Filmmaker, as my most recent partner) will come to mind sometimes in a sexual way and I just feel uncomfortable with the whole thing and totally put off. He wasn't bad in bed. That's not it. It's something else I haven't figured out. Well maybe I could try to articulate it a bit more but I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't see what positive result can come from it.

But the feeling in general makes me sad. It makes me feel incomplete, and like there's no point in getting involved with anyone (well it fits into the huge basket of things that make me not want to do this).

And then later Orange was trying to get me to do a rap move thing with my arms and I wouldn't. I felt stupid and it was totally out of my comfort zone. And there was music in the skytrain when he walked me there and he wanted me to dance and I totally refused. He told me I had a shell around me and I had to let it go.

And then I felt sad about it. That I'll only dance when I'm by myself, drunk or out of town. But it's not just dancing. Sometimes it's just laughing. Or talking to someone I don't know. And since I don't drink much anymore, and I don't really go "out of town" all this stuff is rare.

But I thought I was doing ok and things were good and moving forward and hopeful. So I feel bad that maybe I've been fooling myself. Then as I've mentioned before, maybe so long ago that it really shouldn't be an issue at all these days, I get sad about one thing, and 30 seconds later I'm sad about my dad. Sometimes I end up so sad it just hurts and I feel totally discouraged. And then I want to get on a plane and magically be able to enjoy my life again without any of this. (Which I completely understand will not happen. I also realize my year in Britain was not without it's tears and loneliness anyways.)

2. Last Nights dream x2

I have been watching a lot of "The Unit" on tv these days so that influenced the scene a lot.

I was in this big crowded building and there were lots of people any everyone was scared and running everywhere trying to escape. There were a lot of "bad guys" running around shooting people. There was also a team of specialist "good guys" ordering people to do things to escape or help. They told me that I had to keep my face hidden from the "bad guys" or I would get shot. I distinctly remember having a white towel that I kept covering my face with while a guy was watching me with a gun. Every once in a while I would peek out but he would be there and I would quickly cover my face back up. Later a woman handed me this thing that looked like a oversize remote control with lots of buttons and told me I had to get it to the "good guys" because they would know how to use it.

(How this can translate into real life: I feel that if I show anyone my true self, I will be hurt in a way I may not recover from.)

Later on everything was different. I was in my old apartment and Filmmaker was there. We seem to have just spend the night together. It was the morning though and I realized that this was a huge mistake. Everything he did or said was irritating, and all I wanted him to do was get out and never talk to me ever again. I was trying to figure out how I thought getting back together might ever be a good idea.

I didn't say anything though. I just curled up in my bed with my head under the covers willing him to leave soon.

(no profound real-life translation here.)

3. 10 am this morning. and later.

I receive an email notifying me that Filmmaker has sent me a facebook message. I feel sick. I call Midge and ask her to read it for me once she gets to work. I text Zebra the following two messages when she askes me "what does he want?"

"Probably to tell me I'm a bitch. And that I never really cared for him, and will never be able to care for anyone more than myself. And that I'm cold" (He said this all to me in the course of over break-up)
"It's no wonder I'm not wanting to be dating these days"

Midge gets back to me. He just wants to talk - nothing mean. He still thinks about me and needs some things resolved. He hopes I'll call him. Midge also says his "status" includes the words "sad" and "heartbroken".

I end up feeling more sick. I'm also working from home, canceling all the weeks spa/salon appointments because it's not ready to open on time. I don't like feeling sick and confused while doing this, but eventually it ends up being the perfect distraction.

4. Now

I don't know if I'm going to call him. I'm worried he's looking to me for answers I can't provide, but he thinks I can. That he'll want more about "why" I ended things, when there isn't more than I already said, no matter how vague it may have seemed to him. On the one hand I feel like he deserves to have the opportunity to talk to me. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have any obligation to him. I explained a lot of things to him back in May and was never dishonest.

I just don't see what talking will accomplish. I personally, have no need to talk to him. I would be doing something I don't want to do because he asked me to and thinks he needs it. And then what if it doesn't settle his thoughts? And in his message he said that he hopes I "can" call him. I can call him, but I don't know if I'm willing to. Completely different things, and he's totally assuming things I might be feeling, which is totally inappropriate.

This didn't help anything. I am now cold and restless.

short list

1. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. I still have four theory tests to write, but I can do those on my own time. I feel mostly prepared. Slow, but technically good.

2. I think I am taking out my need for sex on my hair. It constantly needs to be changed. Zebra says this is ok as long as I don't shave it all of. Which I won't.

3. I'm not sure if I have money to pay my rent because my work schedule has been wierd and pay day is almost a week after the 1st. This doesn't seem to affect my spending habits though.

4. I need to shop for a wedding outfit, but I have no time and it's getting close. I also need to return those shoes (which will be too small for Midge).

5. I am exhausted but somehow alert. That said, I've been a little klutzy and teary so that signals an impending breakdown. I've decided my day off will be Tuesday.

Monday Morning

I think I've re-developed the healthy habit of getting up in the morning with enough time to eat, relax and get ready without any rushing or being late for things. I mean I have an hour before I need to leave the house and I've made breakfast, showered, talked to my roommate, played online. I still have to do my hair and make-up, pack my bag, do dishes and make lunch. But all in a totally manageable time frame.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I had all sorts of things I wanted to say but this morning none of them are still in my head. hmm. I went and spent a lot of money on Saturday because I was bored, lonely, and kind of depressed. Most of it was clothes, which I do need, but I'm taking back on of the pairs of shoes. They are cute, but not really work appropriate, and I need comfy black shoes for work.

I talked to my boss yesterday at work and she is happy to teach me to do eyelash extensions (yay!) and airbrush tanning if I want to learn.

That's really it I guess. I'm lonely and want to date , but I feel too busy to really make time for other people, especially ones I don't know, and I don't know how to meet people. It's a complicated problem. Plus I'm pretty sure it'll speed into a relationship and then I'll freak out and end it. ugh.

Hair

My hair got coloured last night and looks really nice. Just a little bit darker and a little bit more violet than before. And a perfect mix of what I wanted and what is appropriate.

I'm thinking of doing something completely different with my make-up today for school, but with the new hair I'm not sure if it'll be overkill. I had a dream last night where someone called my hair immature for being such an unnatural colour.

Otherwise things are ok. I got some serious positive feedback from my teacher yesterday so I'm feeling good about that. I must go finish getting ready for school though. Whether it's different or not my hair and make-up still have to be done. And I'm hungry for breakfast.

rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.

Four days

I've been thinking of posting most of this weekend but haven't. clearly. Until now that is. I'm still not too sure that I can now. I don't really know where I am right now.

The quick version of thoughts I can't feel I can articulate.
1. my dad, his birthday
2. love/lack
3. future
4. taking things personally
5. being someone else's priority
6. loneliness
7. indulgence
8. constantly searching
9. constantly missing "something"
10. touch
11. confusion
12. displacement
13. laziness
14. distraction
15. selfishness
16. self pity
17. self care

It's been overwhelming. I don't know how rested I feel at all. Luckily it's a short week.

A few things

I'm still not in a very good state of mind. I mean I'm still doing everything happily and hopefully, but it's pretty surfacey.

I saw the artist last night. Same as always. nothing really to report.

My birth control got all screwed up this month so my period is all weird and happening when it's not supposed to and I'm sure that's contributing to my mood.

I was very tired at work today and not feeling very well either. I came home and slept for three hours. Then I got up, made dinner and watched "The Devil Wears Prada", which I mostly liked.

I still like my new hair cut. I wish I made more time to flat iron it more because it looks really cute that way.

I think I could be having some minor symptoms of PTSD. This summer's been pretty hard. Really since the bugs and breaking up with Filmmaker, so a bit longer than the summer. But it all goes back to this one day of losing so much all at once without any way to say goodbye.

I don't feel like I should be this sad and emotional. I don't feel like it's justified by the actual state of my life. I feel perpetually heart-broken.

Part 2

So much the same as lat night really. I'm feeling slow and melty. I'm picturing things from "the Phantom Tollbooth" in the doldrums. I haven't seen the movie in so long though that I could be completely off in terms of appropriate imagery.

I feel like going on a date. To a movie and for floats and french fries. But just as much, I feel like buying tons of product even though I don't really need anything.

I fear I may be getting too old for this type of angst. Everyone is growing up but I'm still in the same place in lots of ways. Well not in the same place, but on the same level maybe. Or maybe it's a lack of being anywhere in a complete way that's the problem. And I fear that even finishing school and settling into the new job still won't bring any of it.


(and every bit of love I will ever receive will fall short of what I, in my heart, actually need. I am weighed down tremendously by this.)

question marks

So I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like the night didn't go fast enough. I did some stuff for school, but haven't been doing my best work today, which is frustrating in general. I'm hungry, but not enough to actually eat something, and I am thirsty but not for the three things currently available to me. Four if you count the vodka in the freezer actually.

I'm tired but not ready for sleep. I've got lots to do but don't want any of it. I'm not in a bad mood, but couldn't see myself being very good company. It's all quite confusing.

Everything I want to eat, drink, and occupy myself with is not here. or something like that. I feel something that I can't put my finger on. maybe a lack of short term direction? I mean I think that would be nearly impossible given the current state of things in my life. Maybe this is something like ambivalence. It's kind of all nonsense I think.

blankets

I want to have sex. with someone who will fall asleep next to me. with some who, in the morning, will either convince me to stay in bed long (to have more sex) or will get up early with me (to have breakfast on the porch).

And unfortunately masturbating is less appealing than sleeping alone. I'm frustrated.

thoughts

ok, so I'm drunk again. apparentley I've gone back to drinking.

And I felt good. I had on a cool new shirt, awesome make-up, and I just felt like myself. like dancing and flirting and just relaxing and enjoying myself. but then it slides away. when I realize I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the funnest. And I'm alone. And I told someone who wanted me to go away. And I know it wasn't a mistake in the grand scheme of things, but I feel alone now. And I don't want to feel alone.

I don't want to be reminded that "my britain" is gone. That I live in a world right now that does not seem to want me as I want to be. hm. it's hard. And I'm trying most days, but it's hard.

Choices

Do I stay content and relaxed and live in denile, or do I panic and go crazy? I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere, but considering I'm taking ativan out with me for the first time in months it's very far away.

I'm back to not understanding my life. I don't have the person I can go to in a crisis . Maybe I'm not meant to have this money. Or this life. I want my therapist back even if it has to cost me $165 and hour.

doom

I am full of feelings of impending doom. Like things are going too smoothly and everything is going to crumble down around me. I'm not to sure what to do.

no thoughts

So after getting super drunk on Sunday night with a friend at a house party my roommates were having, I slept very well. The next morning I was up by 9:00 to go to a photo shoot with that same friend. It's went well but by the end of the day I was quite sick with a cold. Monday I was even more sick but was covering someones shift at work so spent the whole day there save for leaving one hour early. I was glad of that because I felt so sick on the skytrain but luckily I was able to sit down.

Tuesday I was still sick, went to school for an hour and a half then asked them to cancel my clients so I could go home. I slept for the rest of the afternoon and then watched tv and then slept more. Wednesday I was better and have two interesting clients at school.

This morning, I did the above friends nails at school (pink zebra art!) then did clients and then did make-up for friends grad. (ok, her name is Zebra from here on in.) After Zebras show we went for dinner and split 2 pitchers of sangria. I work tomorrow from 8 to 2 at HK Inc. and from 3-9 at the spa. I am tired now and my room is hot.

The future involves working Saturday, pride parade and a BBQ on Sunday, and then crafting on Monday.

Fun tid-bit on the skytrain:

Scene: me, crowd leaving football game, including a boy (10 maybe) and a man (dad?). A guy who I did make-up on for the show is sitting across from me, but not near me as if we are friends.

boy: that guy's a goth.
man: (shakes head) no he's a punk.
me: he's a bit of both I know him.
boy: (thinks) it's weird.
me: it's different
boy: my mom knew goths, in high school. (pause) She hated them. That's how she met this guy. (motions to the man) Then that was the end of things.

Also, Zebra asked if I would date one of the guys who came for dinner with us. I came out with a decently quick no but that was only because I was thinking about it. I miss having a boy around sometimes.

so drunk

ok. so I can balerly seee my computer screen I'm so drucnk. but I'm happy and either spelling or typing becomes a priority. I want to havevsex and that's all therte is to it. actually, it's not. the other opart is that I don't throw up and cry. yup. most drunk and blogging ince Englad. and I lost 5$ in a bet about wearing my bra or not. stupid, it was an easy bet to lose.

low to the ground

Facebook is kind of sad. I feel slow and alone. As long as I'm at school and distracted I'm ok, but a few minutes to think and I'm just not in a good space. I'm struggling with HK Inc and working there. I really want to quit but feel so responsible for training someone to replace me, and making sure that person is good. I know it not my responsibility but they have been really good to me over the years. I also need to formalize what's going to happen at the spa in terms of hours and wage.

I just don't know what I REALLY need. I guess I know what's working in my life right now, I know what isn't, but I have no goal. Nothing concrete. Maybe I do in some ways, but not one big overall vision. I don't even know if that's true. hmm. I'm tired.

Raining

outside. not in me. I can't say I'm all sunshine and roses, but I've calmed down a bit I think. I do think I really need to get into some one-on-one counselling. I think it's a mix of depressive habits, grief, and self-esteem/security issues, so I don't really think a group setting would work. I have to figure something out to pay for it, but I think even 4-6 appointments would help a bit.

that's all I really have to say. I was going to straighten my hair for school today but now that it's raining out I don't think I'm going to bother. And I got a nice message on Facebook from one of my make-up teachers. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by a particular craft project but I'm just going to keep working at it and go with the flow. or try at least.

I'm sick of titles

I feel asleep last night at 6:00, then woke up around 2:00, though about eating something for dinner, and then went back to asleep. It's 8:30 now and I have an hour before I have to leave for school. In that time I have to put on make-up (as little as I can possibly get away with) and make lunch. I'm thinking of only staying at school for the demos. I'm feeling tired and crappy.

In the building where my mom lives a lot of the people store things at the back of the parking spots in the garage. I found out from an old neighbour who is close with my family, that my mom is one of them (and we have three spots, two for working cars, and one for an old broken car) and if everything isn't moved by Wednesday it's going to be removed and they will be fined. My mom is out of town though, so I caught her at a time where they happened to have cell service. She told me where extra keys are in their house and for me to go move everything for them (a few things are mine). I can't move everything on my own though, and I have no one to ask to help, and all she ketp telling me is that she couldn't help more than that. It made me feel like crap and like I was disturbing their vacation, but aren't I the one that's helping them to some extent?

I just overall feel like crap.

unwell

I've not been having good dreams the last few nights.

You know, I thought I should come here and unload a bit but I don't want to in a way. It's confirmation of someting. There's been a lot of acute greif the last few days. This weekend used to be my favorite and most relaxing of every year. This year it's serving as a reminder that things have been lost. And last year it showed me that people stop caring for others.

My dreams are about my mom ususally. or make me wake up thinking about her. I can't really remember them all that much but I wake up feeling unloved and like a burden (my secret favorite feeling it would appear). But it's not in a mean way, just a sort of docile way. I don't think my mom would like me if I wasn't her daughter.

And a family friend called me this weekend, probably to find out if I was going to be somewhere this weekend, but I didn't pick up the phone, or even check the message. I owe them something from months ago and feel so stupid that I haven't made it a priority.

My mom asked me to go to our cabin with her my step-dad and all his kids, and I didn't really want to go. I feel like an outsider when we're all together. I got half yelled at on Christmas, and freaked out about my dad at a funeral that was for someone they loved, and I feel embarressed and separate. The only reason I wanted to go was to spend time with my cat, but she's probably gotten so used to things there that she's not going to want to sit with me. So I took extra shifts at work that weekend so I wouldn't have to go.

I can't have sympathy for someone when they know someone's died. Or even when I know the person who's died. I'm still so stuck in grief in some ways that I just can't do it.

But there's a lot of good in my life right now. I'm going to be cutting my debt in half at the end of the month, school is going well and fast, I have two emplyers that think I'm awesome, my craft stuff is going so well. but insdie theres some serious bad and I'm not going to be able to get through to the good unless I shake the bad.

I must go have a bath. I have work today but have been sweating all night becasue it's hot in my room. And I'm all crampy becasue my period has started and a bath should help.

Morning Time

1. I slept from 6:30 until 9:00 last night. I am tired. I even missed Canada's Next Top Model.

2. I really want to quilt.

3. I bought things to fix my spinning wheels.

4. School is good but tiring. I have two client manicures today.

5. Work is good but not quite enough to live on right now.

6. I am feeling better about being single, which is good.

7. I have two more long days a head of me.

8. I really need to do laundry.

9. My breasts get in the way while doing pedicures.

10. My room is so hot at night it's hard to sleep.

11. My skin is so dry and I'm drinking tons of water and moisturizing constantly.

Median

I'm feeling a little off. Today was mostly better. I feel like something, as usual, is missing. Less than yesterday maybe. did that make any sense? Maybe I feel isolated. I feel like I've been irritating everyone around me. But I think I'm just lonely. Like I'm just being tolerated because I'm unavoidable. I've felt like that a lot in the last while, which really just tells me that it's in my head and not because people really feel that way.

I'm tired too. What else? I feel boring. Like I don't have anything original to share. Just things other people can also do and information I only know because I have a good memory. That didn't really make any sense either. I want ice cream or pudding and I want to cuddle. And I want better pillows. And my nail kit so I can give myself a manicure. And practice on other people too.

Maybe learning pedicures tomorrow and a shift at the spa will make me feel better. Fix this unknown thing.

(I really wanted to fall in love and I feel that not doing so is a major part of this unrest.)

a few words

I miss Filmmaker. I miss him, yet I do not want to be with him. I woud want to have sex with him if he were here, but I have no desire to masturbate. But it's not just about the sex. It's the company and the closeness. I miss that too. Replacing him would solve some of these problems, but it wouldn't solve any of the ones I had when I was with him.

I hoped being in a relationship would have increased my comfort with them but it didn't at all.

Found (but still lost)

Well my mom found my cat yesterday down by the apartment I used to live in that's a half basement. How she got off the fourth floor is still a mystery though. I'm going to stop by their house today and smother her a bit.

I had a dream about getting back together with Filmmaker. It was mostly about sex though. And it wasn't filled with wonderfulness. It was just the real-life mixture of what I'm actually feeling. That I like him a bit, and I want to really like him, but theres something huge missing.

I'm not going to put make-up on today even though it's kind of out of rebellion that I have to wear it every other day, and not because I actually don't want to.

(oh, did I mention that I got a tip for my very first official manicure ever? exciting.)

I don't understand

So again, as things start to smooth out (school's good, work's good, money's ok) something happens. I go back into tears and confusion and wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. ANy hope for future success I've built back up starts to crumble again.

This time it's my cat. The cat I love and is living with my mom and I miss, miss, miss, has gone missing. And my mom lives on the fourth floor of the building. It makes no sense but she's been gone for more than 12 hours. My mom's checked with the neighbours whose balconys attach to theirs, and walked around outside calling her but nothing. My cat is missing.

And all I can say is I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't get a few months of calm and simplicity.

And now I'm not going to read into it and make some larger relationship lesson out of it and start being upset about Filmmaker, which I've already kind of been this week. I just don't get any of it at all.

Tired

Well it's Tursday and I feel tired and like I haven't had enough time at home so my room is messy. I am tired, but have had some time at home. I just spend it doing things that don't involve cleaning my room. And tonight will be no different. I'm just about to leave for school, and don't finish work tonight until 9:00. And tomorrow is another long day becasue I'm working at both jobs. I think. I should check my calendar.

I did have class on Monday though. But because of how flexible the school is it wasn't a big deal that I had missed it.

ok, I thought I could write but apparently not. I need a coffee. more another time.

Child-like

Last night I realized I carry tension in the right side of my forehead. The muscles has a hard time relaxing. As a result, my eyes and brows look unsymetrical. That bothers me.

Today I got up, got ready, went to school but it was closed. There was no one there and all the lights were off and it was locked. I was confused and thought maybe it wasn't monday, or maybe my clock/my cell phone was wrong and I was early. And there was no one else around and confused. And the hair class starts earlier than nails does. So I called the school and the director answered even though I could tell he wasn't in his office (his window is at street level). I felt stupid and hung up.

I wasn't really sure what to do. And I'm still not. I'm nearly positive that I'm supposed to have class on Mondays but I guess I'm wrong. Instead I bought new jeans (I desperately needed them and they were on sale), a new book and went for breakfast. I'm worried that maybe I just missed something entirely and I'm pretty certain my confusion is all my fault.

I also called my sister because my grandma (on my dad's side) is coming to visit from Toronto today. I decided maybe with my day off I could go to the airport as I haven't seen my sister in a while. My grandma doesn't come until tonight though and it's craft night. Also, my sister and her husband put an offer on a house in white rock, which means I'll see even less of her than I do now.

At first I was really excited for her (it has an ocean view!) but then I called my mom to tell her and she just said how far away it was. And then I was sad. And my mom is sad. I'm not sure why but she is. Or something is wrong. My mom puts herself really low on her list of priorities but it could be problems with her family or something else. And then I think it might be me. She's had to do a lot for me in the last 6 months and it's not really over. So half of me doesn't want to ask her if somethings wrong because I don't want to hear that I'm a burden.

And then I feel like no one acknowledged that my Dad died two years and two weeks ago and the date just passed with no recognition. Or that is was Fathers day yesterday and it makes me feel awful. Or that the folk festival s coming up and I want so much to go but It'll be so hard and I can't go alone and I can't really afford it. And then I can't let any of this go.

And it all leaves me feeling like a helpless and self-pitying child who doesn't know what to do about anything.

Vacant

I'm tired.

Two days of school this week. I did two partial manicures. Cuticle care is scary. Polish isn't too bad, but I'm a perfectionist. Hand massages might be my favorite thing so far. I kind of want to give them to everyone.

I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. And it's not because I'm hungry. It's that I feel like there's empty space. I miss FIlmmaker. But I miss "someone" more than I miss him now.

Nothing else really. I'm not feeling grounded.

before sleep

I was going to write in the morning but I just finished my nails so I have to waste some time before I can go to bed or I will ruin them.

The school situation is settled. My original school is giving me my deposit back. I registered with the other school and start on wednesday. The learning process is much more flexible and customized to each student, the whole course is done earlier, and it's cheaper. So that has turned back around. Now I just really want to start. I also need to tie up loose ends at HK inc. because once I finish my course I'm not too sure if I'll want to be there, or even need to be there. ("Need" based on my needs, they will still need me unless they want to hire someone new, which they don't.)

Tonight I miss FIlmmaker, but I know that I miss him in not the best ways. I miss him becasue I want to know what he thought of the "On the lot" episodes this week. And because it's cold and another body in my bed would make it cozy. And becasue I am craving chocolate and I know he would bring me some. It's somehow reassuring that I miss him for him in some ways though, and not just that I miss a generic someone. But I do feel that I just miss him now, and not deeply enough, or long term enough, to think I made a mistake.

But I do think I am still going to have to work on a lot of issues within myself regarding the whole relationship. I mean I know it didn't fail becasue of me, but I also know that I didn't always act in a way I would have hoped I would. And I don't feel any more equipped for the next relationship in most ways. Which leaves me feeling a little down about it. I can't wait as long this time, and I have to trust myself a little bit more. I was really confused most of the time, and just went from one end of like to the other pretty quickly and unexpectedly. Little things bothered me about him, and not always the things I would have thought did. It was a learning experience that I don't fully understand yet.

What else? Not much really. I have to stay focused on work and make money, and then be focused on school, and stay focused on crafts. And keep eating well because I want to lose some more weight. I've also been thinking about the possibility of a nose job in the far future. It's weird because it never really occured to me before now. And I'm doing a photoshoot next weekend which should be super fun.

My nails are pretty mcuh dry no so I am going to try to sleep. I have a lot to do around the house tomorrow and then dinner plans with a bunch of people from school. And I need to get a small gift. hmm. A stop at the salon might be in order. Not sure what for though. Some Dermalogica maybe.

Day off/off day

I didn't go to work today. I spent the first part of the morning feeling angry and anxious. Then I went out. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on yarn. I tried not to think about anything. I bought japanese cooking stuff (soba noodles, sushi-age, sushi grass) and felt dazed and disconnected.

I did call two schools about their programs. One never called me back. The second talked to me. I could start in July and finish in Early October. The program is shorter because it's a lot more hours per week. It doesn't interfere with any spa shifts though. It's also cheaper. The school is smaller, and the kit is smaller. I'm going to go to the school on Thursday and see what the facilities are like and what kind of products they use. The curriculum looks similar to where I am now.

Two worries are what if it's not as good as where I am now would be and what if where I am now won't give me my deposit back. I think if the only date option I was given back when I registered was The one I'm being forced to take, I wouldn't have taken it. I would have gone a different route, maybe looked at other schools. I feel disloyal in switching though. I just don't know what to do.

The longer hours per week, would mean less time at HK inc. too. Good for my mental state I think, but not so good for my bank. But the course is half the price.

I still feel out of control. I feel victimized (what have I done to deserve all this?) but then also feel like I must deserve it if it keeps happening. And then I wonder if my concern about something bad happening as soon as things start to get better is making it happen. (And I haven't even read The Secret.) But I moved, which was supposed to help, but then there was the bugs. Then I got rid of the bugs, the long-term spa job got confirmed, and I was excited about school and now this. How am I supposed to not be worried?

And then there's Filmmaker. I read the email a second time. It was a good-bye email. And it's all just sad. I am so confused about it all. Somehow this was worse than my fear of not being able to find someone who would love me, my fear of being unloveable. I couldn't reciprocate love. I couldn't reciprocate someones desire to make me happy.

(Aside: Orange hasn't called me in a long time. I called him over a week ago and never heard back. He leaves for the summer at the end of the month and I feel like I've lost that too.)

I just feel too much in my world. Too far away from everyone. Unable to relate and be relateable. But I don't feel safe and I don't feel comfortable. And that's what I need. I think of who I was in England and I don't have any of that left. I want that excitement and that lightness back. I don't know how though.

I don't even really feel like I have a social life right now. I go to work, I come home or I craft. I want to have a float party but don't really even know who to invite. I feel like it would just end up being this awkward gathering where no one really has anything to talk about and they only really came as a courtesy anyways.

I need some help to get this sorted and fixed. I really want my life to be fun again. I really do.

No control

1. Filmmaker sent me an email Sunday afternoon. It was really long and I read it once while I was at work. I barely remember any of it but can't deal with reading it a second time. I do know he said he really is in love with me. He said he was trying not to wait (and went on other dates) but he really was waiting. I don't even know how to proceed with it all so I'm not doing anything except trying not to think about it.

2. I have a rash on my neck and I don't know what is causing it. It's just getting worse since Saturday and it's so itchy. I 've been trying to think about what I might have eaten or used on my skin that could be causing it, but unless I developed an allery to something I could always eat before I can't figure it out. But it is very red and very itchy.

3. My school date got pushed back again. To September. This means I have three months of waiting again. And it means I might not have the job at the spa when I am done. I am so frustrated/upset about it but I don't really feel I have any choice in the matter. I am going to look at two other schools today to see what their program is like, but who knows if they will be as good, or their program will be any better. And between my two jobs I don't really have a full-time one. Actually I'm sure HK Inc. could be full time but I really don't want to do it full time. That job in itself is a major source of frustration.

So overall I feel like crap, and I feel like I'm doomed to feel perpetually out of place and in transition. I'm not sure how to fix it, and I don't know where to turn to for help.

Well it's done. Apparently he punched a wall at the skytrain in frustration after we left and his hand is swollen and bruised this morning. (Scary on its own) This morning, after a night a of thinking and not sleeping and crying, he realized that he is entirely in love with me and it's too hard to see me, so as hard as it is he is not going to see me anymore. He said he can still talk to me, but that he can't see me until "I am ready to see him". I corrected him really quickly. I got called a bitch and unempathetic, and cold. I told him that I wasn't any of those things, but because he wanted something that I am not giving him, he sees it that way and that's very unfair because I have been honest about what I am willing to give.

And maybe to top it all off his definition of being in love is being completely selfless for another person. When I said that that was entirely untrue for me and it only leads to losing yourself, he back peddled a bit and I was just so done. Then he finally hung up the phone, nearly in tears, saying how he would not recover from this.

It's weird how I can want so bad to be loved, but can't tolerate his way of doing it even more.

Stupid Greys

I want to be in love. I want to be loved. And it feels like breaking up all over again. And it's not going to happen. I'm too cold, I'm too selfish, I'm too demanding, I'm too unfeeling. It's all been taken up and taken away. There's nothing left for anyone. Not even me most days. This is the breakdown.

I remember walking to class one day while in England. I think I was running late. That was my major panic trigger before. So I was trying to calm myself by saying the things I normally did. The main one is that things will always be fine. If I'm late it will be fine, If I never even show up with will be fine, If I interupt for 1 minutes it'll be fine. But it changed. It all shifted in an instant. It shifted to "it will all be good" There was something so right with the world. But I can't say that anymore and I don't believe it at all.

I want something impossible. Something completely unconditional. It's so hot in my room. I want to feel whole and I want to feel myself. I want to listen to a CD that will make me ache. And I can't remember the name of the singer no matter how hard I try. but then I found it on the list. And i feel like everything is secret. somehow.

And sometimes I know I'm trying really hard to get a life back. To sort things out. To improve. To make myself. But then in some ways I'm not. I spend money I need to save without thinking about it because I don't want to deal with something, or I want to forget everything. I eat things I shouldn't eat. I don't go to bed when I should. I don't wash off my make-up or brush my teeth before going to bed.

But I thought I had done what I needed to do. I really started over in so many ways. I spent a lot of time talking and assessing. But none of it's really done. But, again, there's no room for this now. I have to be at worktomorrow and be warm and welcoming and lovely. And I love doing it. I do. But I can't reconcile this with that.

When someone close to you dies once of the things you have to do over time to heal is to find new people to fill the various functions that the person performed for you. I think I can't do that. I don't think that the kind of love I received can be provided by anyone else in quite that same way. But it's what I need. I don't feel safe or grounded without it.

In some ways my life is going too good for me to feel like this. But I know there is more coming up. More moving. more tuition. More learning. more work. more everything. Which would imply more good, and it does. I know it does. But I still feel weighed down. And I want someone to come take that from me. Just to tell me that it's not just mine to hold and carry.

I want the crisis line to be good. not just repeat what you say. Filmmaker says I want perfection and that things just can't be easy. But I can't keep feeling this way. I just can't.

I was angry for the first time when I was dealing with the bugs in my new house. I was in the garage doing something with boxes and I was angry. I didn't know how my life had come to that. I was angry that he died and I was left behind to just fend for myself - angry I felt so entirely unequipped to do so. It always comes down to this.

But I have to stop now. I have a headache coming on from tears and I have to be at work in 8 hours, and I have to look pretty for work, which takes time. I don't know what my next step is to deal with all of this. I know it can't be shopping, and it can't be moping.

You know how people talk about having conversations with dead people. I don't. I don't have any connection to it. I just think and feel small and alone and abandoned.

Filmmaker

I'm done. It's done. There may have been a possiblity for friendship but it's gone. Somehow there's too much bad between us that a friendship is impossible. There's too much tied up. frustration, anger, distance, resentment, whatever. I can't take all that on. I am not willing to work through it for him. I do not believe anymore that the end will justify the means. It's done and I need to move on from it. And I know that I will miss him. But it has to be done.

And for now I'm not going to think about what that might mean for my future. I'm just going to get through that and get to school.

Quick and tired

1. Went to Daiso today with new friend who needs a name.

2. I am working tons and want a day off to craft.

3. Ny next day off is Satruday 09. That's right, and it's been over a week since I've had a day off already. (well sunday was only a half day for training, but I was still at work.)

4. I have been bug free for almost 3 weeks I think.

5. I miss FIlmmaker terribly these days. I am seeing him tomorrow night for dinner I think. I haven't told him I miss him.

6. Midge came to town and it was awesome seeing her.

7. I start school on the 12th. I am very excited.

8. I definately have a job in October doing maks and make-up at the spa. Super awesome.

9. I'm doing a photoshoot on the 17th. Excited for this two.

10. I feel good, but also kind of on the brink of crashing.

11. My new house is going good. My room is small, but I have the internet now.

12. I'm getting dermatitis on my hands and they are very itchy.

13. I somehow got the money to pay half of my tuition. Still working on the rest.

14. I got a fancy new phone. and downloaded Jeopardy and Tetris to it.

15. I love this website. I am now obsessed with Bento lunches.

16. I have so much to do on my flickr site and so many movies to add to my order list, and so many CD's to download.

17. I am tired and I am going to bed. More another day.

No Catch Up

I really have no energy to update things. I'm still feeling pretty low and I am skeptical of improvement. Everytime I think things are about to settle down something happens to make a mess, so I'm not getting my hopes too high.

That's it. That's really all I can manage.

I'm writing with panic. I'm frustrated and I want to throw all my stuff away. I got a new super comfy mattress on a major sale which is good. I am sleeping in my new house, which is good, but I kind of fell like it's someone else's house still, and will for a few weeks I think. I miss Filmmaker, but whenever I do see him I don't want him. I'm confused. I am also so tired. Like so completely tired I need to cry. And the wireless card I need for my computer is discontinued and it's so upsetting. That's all I can muster without totally crying at work. And I'm at the work where I can't go hide and look awful afterwards.

Well I still have no house. I'm still looking, but I'm just not happy with anything. Though I'm now doubting that I'll ever be. I've never thought that I hated my life more than I do right now. I'm also contemplating going back on medication, becasue I don't know how anything is going to get better. Something is biting me when I sleep, but my cat's on flea meds and I can't see any bed bugs on my bed at all. This part is like the last straw or something. It adds gross, physically uncomfortable, and other bad things to my list of suckiness. I don't know what to do if this is the case. It makes me feel really low about myself.

I'm contemplating moving into my moms spare room for a month so I have longer to find something. But this just upsets me. I'm going to be in other peoples space, with none of my own. Maybe the only good parts are saving money and being able to stay with my cat. And school got changed so it'll start in June. This gives me more time to save, but means more time at HK inc if I can get it. And I want it becasue of the money, but I don't want it because of the way full days here make me feel most times.

So over all I feel like crap. Every house I don't like is disappointing. Every morning when I feel itchy, I feel diseased. And when I think about the state of my life right now I feel like I'm letting people down or not being fun enough to be around. Plus I'm tired, and clumsy and unfocused. I am not having a good time right now at all, and I know it will end, I just can't see that point at all right now so it's really hard.

collapse

I lost things today. I couldn't focus. I cried. I feel like my whole life right now is a result of mistakes. moving away with Titania and Chatton, quitting UBC, spending money. So I was sad at work, and sad on the bus home. But then I got home, nearly in tears of worry, exhaustion, failure, and I checked my mail. Inside was a parcel from England. And I cried. all the way to my apartment. And inside my apartment. I couldn't even open it.

But eventually I did. Crazy british candy/sweets I love, and a tiny goose stuffie wearing bunny ears. I cried a load more.

I avoided msn. I didn't answer my phone. I just zoned out with tv and reading about crafting. Lacking the energy to actually do any myself.

On the house front: I got a no from one I really wanted; I haven't heard from one I would be happy in; I will know tomorrow afternoon about a third one; I didn't go see one tonight; I will see another on Sunday if I need to.

I need to sleep. I will probably cry again. greif of all kinds is hitting me hard.

drained

This morning I have a head ache. I still have no house. I am very stressed about having no house. It's kind of taking a toll on my self-esteem today. Like out of the few houses that I am ok with, none of those people think I am good enough.

I did get my hair cut and coloured this week though. However, I am getting paid a lot today and I wish I could go spend it but I have to put it on my line of credit. it's kind of depressing. No it's really depressing. I just want to go back to bed for a few more hours.

I don't feel like I have my life under control. I am handling a major amount of stress on several fronts. I'm working full-time at a job that makes me feel irritated and like I'm wasting my time. On the 20th I switch jobs though, and will be working 6 days a week at the spa until school starts on May 14th.

School is stress too. What if I suck at it. What if everyone else is boring or clique-y. And where am I getting the money from. I can pay in two installments but I still don't have the money.

And money. I can barely make my bills, my moms paying for groceries. It's going to be better this month because of all the work, but I do back to minimal hours with school. My rent will be cheaper but it's still not going to leave me with much.

However, that whole rent thing is stressful because I have no place to live yet. I have only seen two places I actually like (of 12 maybe). I'm waiting to hear about them sometime this week. I'm still looking at other things in case I don't get either of them. I've even started looking at places that won't take my cat because I am worried it's the only way I'll find something. She will go live with my mom until I can have her again.

And then there's filmmaker. I thought it was fine, but apparently it wasn't. He, with lots of work stress as a trigger, kind of freaked out on me on Monday. I totally said that it was unacceptable. I told him that if we were going to be friends at all we were going to have to not see each other so he could decompress. He had to understand that friends was my decision, and if he wasn't able to handle that, even in stress, than it wasn't going to happen at all. Some of the trust I gained disappeared.

I don't feel stable. I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel like anything is working. I am going to throw/give away a bunch of clothes and see if that helps. It's the only thing I feel I can exert any control over. And I really feel bad about spending so much of my inheritance. I totally fucked that up.

Filmmaker

After several long and honest talks I decided to give it it a chance. There were serious conditions. No boyfriend/girlfriend names. No sex. No pressure. Lots of honesty. Only seeing each other once a week or so. So that's been happening. We walked up the drive and had coffe last weekend. We are going for breakfast this weekend. I feel really happy about it. I feel like I am on my own and not burdening him, and when I do see/talk to him it's because I really want to and I really am enjoying it.

Just thought I should give that update.

Otherwise, moving sucks, houses are few and far between, HK inc. sucks, I want to be in school, and money sucks. WHere can I get $5000.00 in 4 weeks that doesn't involve banks or parents? legally. hmm.

Stress

1.a. The person who was going to take over my suite just backed out.

1.b. I don't know if my landlord will let me break my lease now.

2. I've seen three places and none were good.

3. 4 out of 5 places I email won't take my cat.

4. I am so so anxious about the audit at hk inc. this week.

5. I am sick with stress. I just want to throw up.

6. I saw Filmmaker this morning and I am so confused.

7. My antibiotics have given me an awful yeast infection.

8. I feel really cornered by things.

long day

So I've really only been awake for about 14 hours but I'm exhausted. And frustrated and worried. The place was not right and I know this will be a repeat of last September where I'll barely see anything suitable. And I want Filmmaker. I want to be hugged and I want to cry on his shoulder. Instead I'm going to eat more dinner (the lack of sweet food in my house is irritating) and watch tv and go to sleep early. This sucks.

It's only Tuesday

1. Filmmaker

We talked on the weekend, but not about "us" just about stuff. and not talked so much as conversed on messenger. but that's ok. He still knows that I am for all purposes still broken up with him. That said, I haven't said that I am not at all reconsidering. I'll have to be more definate soon.

On some level, I'm completely re-adjusted to not having a boyfriend. It's just like no sex and one less friend. But today I am tired. I am working full days all week, and I have plans every night this week except Friday. So I'm going to be tired and stressed. And part of me wants him to come over with juice and just sit with me and talk to me. But I don't want that to just be the tiredness speaking. I'm not sure how I tell though.

2. Moving

I talked to my landlord this morning and he said I could sublet, or I could just give my notice and move, no matter about the lease. Also, I talked to a girl that I went to school with and she and her boyfriend totally want to move in. So I am moving out and they are going to move in. No sublet worries or anything.

The next part is finding somewhere to live. I am looking at a place tonight, and two places on the weekend. They each have their good things, but each have their bad as well. We'll see. I'm in no rush and if may 1st comes along and I can't find something I'll sleep in my moms spare room until I find something I can afford and that works for me. I need to end the living/money stress, so I can just focus on the good parts of my life exclusivly for a bit, and not becasue it's becasue I'm in denile.

Pressure

Yesterday I had two phone conversations with Filmmaker. The one in the morning was an hour and a half long. The one at night was the same.

There's been some mean things said that were very honest things on both our parts. And some nice honest things too. But I'm still on the side of wanting it to end. And he's still on the side of wanting to keep trying. In the morning he asked me to come to a decision today. In the night I told him that if he was committed to not pressuring me he would have to accept not hearing from me today.

He knows that he made some mistakes, and not because he is a bad person but he was caught in the idea of something. Who I could be, where we could go. But I didn't see any of that. I just saw pressure and felt like I was behind and never going to catch up.

So I don't know where this is going. I am worried he won't be true to what he is saying he needs to change. I am worried that he will be and I won't feel any different. I am worried that I will regret making this decision, whatever it ends up being. But today I am going to rest and eat cookies and watch tv. Tomorrow I am going to craft. And next week I have to work a 40 hour week no matter how awful I feel about it. And I will do the same for the whole of April.

Now the moving stuff is in my head but there's so many facotrs there too that I'm not sure what to do about it.

Down

I feel not good this morning. Mentally, not becasue of being sick. Luckily there is no sight of the email FIlmmaker wants to send me. I must go to work today becasue of money but I don't want to spend all day there because I work at the salon tonight.

Maybe it's the rain or the lack of seeing people. I feel frustrated by my life. And not like it's going to get easier before it gets harder.

struggle

I feel tired and alone and overwhelmed today. I haven't been taking my antibiotics as I should be so that's affecting how I feel I think. I'm not going into work, but I did do some work I had here. And I will go tomorrow. Today I have to do dishes, buy my cat litter, take out the garbage and put my clean clothes away. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like a lot.

On Monday, Filmmaker asked me to reconsider. He also said he felt sorry for me because I didn't know what I wanted. That felt pretty fucking bad. He made me talk and I was crying and it sucked. He was confused about how hard it was seeming, but that I was so firm to sticking with it. And I tried to explain more. And he repeated that he really felt like we had a future together and that he'd wait. He felt like I was giving up and just "disposing" of him. He pointed out that I would have a really hard time finding someone so willing to be patient and care for me. I have a lot of worry about that too. But I also that this would be more difficult in 6 months. And that there is something missing for me. It's still hard.

And I'm stressed about money again. (still really). I had got my bills up todate, but now they are all behind again. And I don't have any extra once I pay my rent. I'm hoping April will help becasue I'll be working full time the whole month, but as soon as I go back to school in May I'm stuck again. That's not even considering how I'm going to pay for school and supplies to begin with.

So I'm frustrated too. And I want help and comfort but I told the person who had been trying to give me that to leave. This sucks.

Explaining myself

I'm at home now and predictably crying. I'm going to see him tomorrow just to exchange some stuff.

So last night I was crafting all day. I knew he had been having a bad week. I knew we were meant to go for dinner and a movie tonight. We had more seriousness last weekend that revolved around me being unconfortable with him liking me more, and me being concerned that my feelings were in the same place as the month before.

(Already removed from all possible internet areas. This process sucks)

This morning I called him for the plan and I knew he was in a bad mood and I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to hear it at all. But I did because I was trying. We decided I would call him when I got home from a craft supply buying trip with a girl from my craft group. But I felt not good. I didn't really want to go out. I felt achy and sick (I've had a sinus infection and been off work for over a week now). But not enough to not go craft buying.

Then I was buying supplies and the girl I was with (bees we'll call her) thought we were going to actually craft afterwards. I said I didn't know that was the plan, but I didn't say that I couldn't. Becasue I wanted to. more than I wanted to see filmmaker. For his birthday. It all just compounded. We stopped in the store where another girl from our craft group worked and bees asked me if I was actually up to crafting that evening and I basically said "It's filmmakers birthday but I think I need to break-up with him because I'd rather craft than spend the night with him". And it came out easily. With sadness but not regret, or guilt.

And I'm alone now. again. I know that's ok but I'm worried it's all I'll ever be.

And it was his birthday. And it was mean of me. and he was wonderful to me and he couldn't have been better. But I wasn't in love, or falling towards it. But I did like him. It's no one fault. But I was told by him that it was reasonable if I just couldn't actually feel anything for anyone but myself. I'm selfish.

Maybe selfish that I couldn't hide it for a night and do it tomorrow. But I wouldn't have got through the night. And I've had that before and when I realized the person had knew the whole day before I felt worse. I couldn't inflict that on him.

I am going to talk to Lily more because no one else is answering their phone. I am not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I don't want to discuss. And that's not because I don't care but because I don't see how it can make things better. or easier. I am also going to go watch the season finale of project catwalk. And I am going to keep myself as busy as possible this week. And maybe cry in the art gallery. And try not to spend any money out of sadness.

how do we blance doing the best for ourselves with being in a relationship? Is it me, or just that he isn't right for me? Do I do this to friends when they are having a hard time? Do I just abandon them because I can't handle it? I think I don't but who knows. I don't want to be blamed, I don't need to blame anyone. But maybe that's becasue it's my choice and it makes sense to me.

must go. I've explained and this isn't helping anymore.

I broke up with FIlmmaker. On his birthday. I know it was the right thing to do and I'm at a freidns house crafting, but when I get home and I'm alone I will cry my heart out. I'm slightly worried I just can't do this. the loving someone thing. giving someone back what I need to be given. hmm.

Sad

I couldn't go to work again today, and can't go to craft group either. My sinus's are all irritated, I feel naseous and I'm lonely. I really wanted to go to craft group. And last night Filmmaker and I had a bunch of seriousness which just really revealed my issues. I don't even know what to say about it. I feel awful in several ways.

Energy

1. I've been really sick with a cold since Monday night.

2. I haven't slept well in days despite taking night time cold pills before I go to bed.

3. I had my first full day at the new job on Thursday and it went really well, espescially considering I was sick.

4. Last night I had a dream about my dad. Well about me moving and packing becasue he died.

5. My ceiling is leaking and I hate it.

6. I'm not any closer to loving filmmaker than I was a month ago and I'm not sure if I ever will be.

a noise I can't spell

So yesterday went awesom at the salon. It's way more where I'm supposed to be. Between them and precision I will have a manageable wage I think. I am not going to call the beading place and I am going to quit the mall job. I am still agonizing over a business card design but think I might have something.

But right now Ihave to watch the last half of a movie I started last night, get ready and go out. My tasks today are:
1. Dishes
2. Laundry (towels and sheets)
3. Cut keys for FIlmmaker
4. Get rainbow sock yarn
5. Train for a few hours at salon
6. Art store for plastic/velum
7. Mail stuff to Midge and other girl

And I have to get ready and have breakfast.

running the race

Well I'm exhausted.

I didn't have an infection of any kind. They didn't know what's wrong. the lump got worse and very painful. It's getting a bit smaller but very slowly and it's much less painful. Last night was the first night in weeks I haven't taken advil to fall asleep. Today is the first day I haven't taken it to be able to get started with my day. The lump is still there though.

Things with Filmmaker are good. I took a few days away from him but then I wanted him back. We talked and I told him I was irritated about the computer thing, and the dinner, and just stress in general. And shared some fears about feeling like I won't be able to really connect with anyone. It helped and we are good now. Really good.

I'm stressed about money as usual, but it's my rent that's too much and I don't really have any options when it comes to movie.

So then there's the job situation. HK inc is stressful and leaves me frustrated 99% of the time. I've been working short training shifts at a mineral make-up kiosk in a mall. The pay is low, it's been slow the times I've been there and I feel like a failrue for this being all I got, and for not selling anything yet. I would get commission, but I'm not selling anything yet.

But then, The woman from the salon job I really wanted weeks ago called today. She wants me to have one shift a week plus filling in on days. It's not a,lot, but it's got tons of advancement potential, and at least it pays decently. I'm going there to do some training today.

But with that, I have to go. I have to change and put make-up on. Tonight I am going to just stay home and relax my ass off. Same with tomrrow probably. And craft. I have a blanket I need to finish.

Further frustration

So a little while after I wrote I got a phone call from a cool thrift shop in the city. They wanted to know if I was still looking for work. I am so I went in for an interview. It went really well and I was scheduled for a training/trial shift. I went and grabbed something to eat and then headed to my doctor.

My doctor checked a bunch of things and decided to do blood work. There's basically two options. One is that I have a random bacterial infection in my lymph nodes and a run of antibiotics will fix it. The other is that I have mumps. yup, mumps. So I will go for blood tests in the morning and hopfully they will get the results to my doctor quickly, becasue if it's not an infection they have to do a mumps screening which will take a week.

And becasue it might be mumps I am contagious and can't "share air space" with anyone. This means no work tomorrow, at least, and worst case senario is that no work until the screening comes back in a week. This means even less money, no new job at the thrift store, and cancelling another make-up job for this weekend. And missing my nephews birthday.

I'm sad and really hope it's just an infection. I need to work and I need this new job.

time off

I decided not to go into work today. Instead I am going to stay home and clean my craft stuff that has exploded all over the dining room table. I made a spreadsheet to track my spending starting today. It's all part of trying to get myself financially comfortable again. I applied for three more jobs last night, and still have a few I have to go do in person. I feel like moving but know it's the least of my concerns right now.

I have a doctors appointment tonight because my neck is swollen. I noticed it yesterday morning, and it hasn't gotten any better over night. I called and she was fully booked, so I left a message becasue I'm not sure if I should be worried about it. She didn't call me back, but the receptionist did and gave me a late appointment. I hope it's not a big deal.

I've taken a bit of a break from filmmaker and haven't seen him since Sunday morning. We've only talked a tiny bit but will be staying in and watching movies tomorrow night. I know he recognizes that I'm putting distance but I just need it right now. I feel there's pressure to do something, and I just can't have it right now. Hopefully we'll just be quiet and low key tomorrow.

heavy

This week has been ridiculous.

The woman never called back about training but I gave a way a great make-up job so accomodate when she said she was hoping to trin me. The results of this: I am back to looking for work and I feel like my make-up work has lost momentum. Also, my boss knows I don't want to be there, and am doing it because I'm obligated (his advice is to do a job I hate for money; it sucked and I cried at work). More also is that I magically got my phone bill paid off, but still can't afford my rent, no matter food, once the 1st comes around.

I need a job. I applied for three since Thursday, and will do a round of in person resumes on Thursday morning. Still have two others I am considering. I've switched to full time work too, as long as I can get one weekday off per week.

But I'm tired and stressed and having a very hard time sleeping. As a result of this, I'm being distant with the filmmaker. He was over last night and ther was not a single mouth-to-mouth kiss I was in such a frustratated mood. I've even become frustrated by my apartment that never got finished being renovated. But I can't afford anything else and I'm in a lease.

But Filmmaker. He's giving me things I can't return. He dropped his phone the other morning and freaked out and I was so irritated. I mean, just put the battery in and the case back together and it's fine. But he was panicked, like it was broken. I wasn't mean but I wasn't supportive. I just took all the pieces and put it back together and told him it wasn't a big deal, the pieces can come apart. And how do you not know that? I didn't say that last part though.

And his dad was in town on Friday so we went for dinner and it was fine, but quiet. I felt like he should have made more effort to encourage conversation. And I suggested Shabusen (as well as a few other places) because he wanted somewhere nice and he said his Dad had mentioned BBQ, but then his dad said he didn't eat sushi or was that into BBQ. I just felt off about it. But then the whole day was off.

But what was good this week? My mom saw my stress and took me shopping so I could be more comfortable going for interviews. and Filmmaker got me a bunch of jewelery for valentines and it was all nice. And I watched good movies. And I was able to pay my credit card bill on time and finally get my phone bill up to date.

But I don't know if I am falling in love with filmmaker. this is almost weighing on me as much as not having money. I feel like I should be, but I don't think I am. A week ago I kind of did though so who knows. But today I'm not sure if I'd be that upset about not seeing him anymore. I'd be upset about not seeing someone, but I don't know if there's more.

He put warcraft onto my computer, which is fine by me, but it was saying there wasn't enough space half way though, which was untrue, because there were several gigs (it turned out to be an error with the downloading) but he asked me if I could clear some more space. And I was irritated by the request because it's my computer and I was basically letting him use up the last of the space already. And I was thinking of getting him keys and now I don't want to.

Everything feels huge and overwhelming. My nail program fells like it's hindering me getting a job right now (I'm going to stop telling people about it) but ti also feels like the best way to get a consistant job in the industry come September when the program is done. See, it just all keps adding up.

One thing

He loves me. Filmmaker said he loves me. And he's ok if I just say "Thank you" in response.

I guess that was two things.

some resolution

Well I have a second job. I got a call today about the interview on Wednesday. It's reception for a spa/salon, potential for full-time nail tech work once I'm done school in September, decent pay with a raise in 3 months, cost on product (AG, Dermalogica, OPI) and free spa and hair services.

But there's a problem. Becasue when I start school in May I won't be able to do all the hours, they are hiring two people. The other girl is in school, so I will be more on-call than anything. But there will be some sort of regularity, with first chance on extra shifts if people need time off. If it didn't have long-term potential I totally would not have agreed to it.

But I don't feel great or like a weight has been lifted. I still don't have money to pay my bills or my rent at the end of the month.

Filmmaker is spending more and more time here. It's nice and I want him here but I'm worried in some ways. Like should there be love before there's semi-co-habitating? The last people I moved in with are no longer my friends. But I don't know if this is what he's thinking. He already has a toothbrish here, but I think things more things are quickly on their way.

I have been thinking of including key's with what I've done for a valentines gift. This is partly becasue he often comes over late after work, and I have to stay up to let him in and partly because sometimes I leave early and it would be nice if I could just leave him sleep and he could let himself out. But then the above concerns come in.

He started to get serious before he left today, but was in a rush and couldn't really get into it expect that he wants to be spending more time here. (When would he play warcraft???) Am I ridiculous for being concerned that he is falling in love with me when I don't know if I'm there yet? I mean I don't know what it looks like. In a super strange way, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to yet. How do I go about addressing that even?

And I found out he spent a lot of money on me for valentines. Like more than a typical montly phone bill. He knows I can't really spend anything at all but is ok with that. And I know what I am doing for him is super sweet and thoughtful, and I have good ideas for his birthday, but I feel anxious. Not becasue I don't want it, but because I'm worried about what it means. I know he ian't coming at me with bad motives, it's more that I'm wondering what feeling is behind it.

I think a talk is in order. Before Valentines, so it doesn't happen then and we can just relax.But I do like the general direction of things. I am comfortable with where it is, and I want it to go forward, but I don't know what the "right" way for that to happen is. I do know there is no "right" way but I want one to gauge myself against. To get a bit of security from.

And on a side note, the woman who took pictures as his wedding is Midge's cousin who I was really good friends with in my post-high-school/pre-Europe days. Super weird.

I am going to break this once a week pattern. I think about posting, but just haven't been. I haven't been spending as much time being active online in general.

I find out today if I got a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. I really really want it because it's perfect. It was a weird interview where she really didn't ask me very much but spent most of the time explaining the job to me. It was strange. But it would be good in so many ways if I got it.

Otherwise there's not much on the job front. If I don't get this I am going to do another round of resumes and apply at the new Urban Outfitters that's opening. I finally applied at mac but since they hire by group interviews, It could be over a month before I hear from them. I can't wait for that at all. Beautymark will be in my next round of attempts also. So will be The Body Shop, Sears and the Bay. And the new shoppers downtown with the good make-up. But I like the idea of this job so much more than those.

I also decided that I am going to get rid of my credit card. The bill is maxed right now (over-maxed actually) but I am going to get rid of my physical card. The only thing that will go on it are my etsy charges and my zipdvd (like netflix) charges. Then I will pay double my minimum until so these charges will be paid every month until I get my other bills paid. Then I will pay $100.00 per month if I can afford it. That will have it paid off reasonably quickly.

That's one part of my "getting back on my finaincial feet" plan. Getting a job will dictate the rest of it. But for now, I must go bak to doing the job that is paying me right now.

Oh, Filmmaker has some sort of plan for valentines day. He had an appointment in a residential area on Thursday to pick me up something. I'm curious and excited. I also figured out what my actual gift is going to be, now that I can't afford a hoodie right now. That idea will hopefully get done for his birthday next month though.

Summing Up

I don't like only writing once a week. This week, though, has been very busy. There's a lot of stuff.

School was good. My final school project was good, but not spectacular. Well technically it was good, but the inspiration of my idea didn't translate into the finished piece. The second to last day (penultimate) was long but moderatly interesting. Stuff about resumes and cards and portfolios. Lots of motivational stuff too. SOme of it of value and some of it not, as is usually the case with those kinds of things. Wednesday morning was more of the same with lots of goal setting thrown in. That was really useful.

Then in the afternoon we met in the studio and had food and cake and top student was announced. I didn't get it though, I was the other one being considered. That's a bit tough, but I know that my teacher has complete faith in me - she's already recommended me for work. I think the person who got it was much better in the special effects part, but also completely lacked confidence and motivation. I guess she needed it more in some way.

After that, we went bowling with our teacher (I didn't bowl, I kept score) and then went to Subeez for dinner. After saying good bye, nearly tearfully, I met a model I'm doing a shoot with on the 23rd to decide on looks. I also had to go home and prep for a job that I got that day for the next day through filmmaker.

That job was all day Thursday. Super stressful at start, but then once there it was totally fine. Not exciting really, but fun. Like it was cool to see my work and have it look good, but it was lots of sitting around. Oh! The job was doing make-up for a social work training video. I felt kind of dirty because the only reason I got the job was becasue I was sleeping with the camera guy. However, it was my first film job, and also my first paying one! It was a REAL job which was exciting. Especially the day after graduating.

So now I have this photoshoot in two weeks, and a tv job on the 14th. Neither are paying but the first will be great for my portfolio, and the second will actually air on tv (urban rush). I am also going to really apply to mac tomorrow and at another salon for reception.

Still stressed about money. Basically I don't really have any and need a second job so thatI can pay my bills and stop worrying so much. Also, I'm sad that I haven't seen Orange in at least two weeks.

Wow, I'm tired. Tomorrow is job stuff, doctor and craft group. I think I was going to say some stuff about Filmmaker, but I'm not going to tonight. Tomorrow maybe.

Still Over Full

I'm scared of applying at Mac. Everytime I go in to apply I wimp out. It's weird. I did apply to two other places today though, and am meeting with a model about some TFP work this month. That last part is super exciting becasue it's in make-up and will help build my book up.

I am also getting a new bigger bed tonight, so my full day got even more full.

Oh, and if I know the livejournal of the ex-wife, should I read it? or is it wrong? She didn't like being compared to me either. yuck. Filmmaker had a rough night becasue of it.

Over full

Well yesterday was stupid. FIlmmaker came over in the morning and we tried to sort things out. It was basically me telling him what I needed and the nature of my upset moments and giving him more about why they happen, or why they might happen. I did speak of the England confusion. He was good with all of it. He was confused a bit but said he thinks I'm worth it (hmm, this sounds like stuff from a month ago). He did ask why I'm even doing this whole dating thing though, and I couldn't give him an answer until last nightt.

Then I left home way later than I had hoped to, and then MAC was busy and I didn't have the right info to get what I needed and just feel apart. I just went home (via the grocery store) without getting anything done. Then, while at the grocery store, CRB phoned me. I told him I was having a bad day and didn't want to talk and he just said to call him sometime and not be a stranger.

As a result of getting nothing done yesterday, I have a crazy amount of stuff to do today. Hence why I am up this early and already showered. Following that I must go. Get dressed pretty, with make-up and all becasue I am going to go apply for the jobs I needed to apply to yesterday and then I need all the things I had to do today done as well.


And no new bed. And no filmmaker overnight until Wednesday.

Loaded

Hmm. So it's been over a week and there's lots going on. Today I feel sad and not hopeful, which is quite the opposite of yesterday.

I'm still not in a good money position. My mom paid me back some more so I'll have enough for rent, but everything after that is worrying and it's hard to know how to ration it out. I asked my credit card for an extension on my credit limit, but I didn't get it, which isn't that surprising really.

As per a discussion with Orange last week some more CD's are being sold because I never listen to them anyways.

Also on the list for today is resumes. I emailed a bunch out yesterday and I have three in person ones to do today. They are all decent jobs at reasonable pay, except one, but it's nearly guaranteed. But I'd prefer one of the others. I don't know. I mean I do know I'll feel better once I find other work but it'd be extra awesome if it's actually something I want to do for a while.

Last night I spent time with both Blondie and little boat, which was very nice. And I might be getting the new bed from Miranda this weekend, but I haven't heard from her so I'm not really sure. I have to actually clean my room and move the existing bed before that happens though. Tomorrow I have tons of prep work for my final practical assignment at school but Imight take a break and go out to Richmond to meet some Blythe collectors.

Bit there's filmmaker, which might be the source of my sadness this morning. Or much of it. I think I need to start at some sort of beginning. He knows a bit of about my dad, europe and coming home, but only the bare minimum, no details, no real feelings.

Last week and aunt of mine died and yesterday my mom and sister went to the island for her funeral. I didn't go. Instead I made a card and when FIlmmaker came over I was deciding what to write in it. He suggeted that I think about what people wrote me and what made me feel better. So I told him I never read any of the cards, or the guest book. His response was a non-judgemental "wow, you really haven't dealt with it". It didn't hit me at the time, but later, post-sex laying in my bed it did.

I brought up seriousness because he compared me to his ex in his life journal and I needed to tell him that it made me uncomfortable becasue I wanted to be good on my own, not becasue I was better than her. But that I also understood it's natural to compare and that his livejounrla is for his friends who have known him for a while. I understood that and said he can keep writing whatever he wants but to be aware when he's talking with me.

So then he brought up seriousness in exchange. I don't really know what he said but it was something about my dad and "how I am" and I just started crying becasue it's not that simple and I don't expect or even need him to understand. But I was upset and I wanted to tell him to go home. He wouldn't which was good, but I just can't explain it all.

I can't explain the I miss my dad for everything in the future that he won't be a part of. And I'm frustrated with my mom these days, but she's all I have but she can't give me what I need. I need the thoughtfulness of my dad. I needed it at Christmas, I needed it on my Birthday. I need it now becasue I'm stressed and broke and doing all these things I don't know about.

And I can't explain England. Because explaining England is telling him this must end. And that I'm never going to be satisfied and happy here. But it's also that I don't even have areality of England now. It's all far away and abstract and never going to be what I had. And how my dad and europe are connected. And how I kind of lost two lives in one day and I'm still trying to build a new one that I don't trust will ever be complete.

And yesterday morning he said he couldn't stay over because he had something to do this morning. It wasn't until the day progressed that I realized I was confused why he didn't tell me what. It might be becasue it's about his ex and he knows I don't always want to hear about her. But then as I was coming home I texted him to see if he was done work and to say hi but I didn't hear back. And then my head got filled with irrational insecurites. And maybe it still is.

And now he just texted me to say he's awake but I don't want him. I want my dad. I want to know that I can do this with no doubts about if I'll actually be able to do it like my mom has. But it's really hard to epxlain to someone who really wants to make you feel better and doesn't like seeing you sad. You can't tell them they're not enough. Especially when the not enough is because you need something bigger than anyone can give.

And I am dealing with things. but they are huge things and they are going to take a really really long time and they just can't be encapsulated into something small. And I'm working really really hard at it most times. I try to be really self-aware about it all. And it's not like it all started with my dad. It's hard to explain. Men like to fix things - say it's all go away. But it won't for me. It'll get better, easier, but it's won't go away.

And when he gets emoitional or insecure I get scared and almost paralyzed. I can't say anything, no matter something reassuring. I can't do what I know is necessary.

But I must do resumes today. I must make my hair and make-up look awesome. And I must get laundry done. And I must not spend any money that is not absolutely necessary.

The bad: I'm broke and feel helpless about it. I know I'm not but I feel that way. I have to buy some things for my final project but I can't afford to. I'm also just hoping that my internet and phone don't get cut off. I can pay a bit on the first but not until then. fuck. Also bad, I have a headache.

The good: Things with Filmmaker are going awesome. I'm getting a bit pre-occupied with if it's progressing normally but trying hard not to. I think we're going on a double date (weird.) with some of his friends on Friday. It's not at all confirmed. We're spending We're talking every day, even if just by text or email, but not seeing each other that often. We're probably seeing each other four nights out of seven. And then it's the whole night through to the morning. But we're not just having lots of sex. We're talking and laughing and being serious. We're both getting into each others lives and it really quite nice.

We've talked about me not being super affectionate and that's now in a comfortable place. I'm feeling better about it and as a result I am being more affectionate towards him. We've talked about it shoes and that I care even though I know it's shallow. That also came to a comfortable place where he acknowledges he could put more effort into it and if he wants to really be seen as a serious filmmaker, He's going to have to look that part. He wants me to go shopping with him next month. It sounds like a super risky idea but I won't tell him what to buy. I'll just take him into stores he might not usually go to so he can get a better idea of what's out there. I'll only give my opinion when asked. I really don't want him to do things just because I want him to.

I feel lucky. Lucky that I gave him a chance and didn't let my fear and judgements win. Lucky that he's immensely patient with me in many ways. Lucky that he's honest and doesn't leave me guessing about where he stands. Lucky that he is so sexually open. Lucky that I'm not focused on how this is going to come crashing down on me, but lucky I'm remaining in a state of reality.

How was that for gushing. I think I intended for this to be a post about sex but it wasn't. Last night we had slow sex. Like dreamy slow motion sex. I didn't at all expect him to be able to come at such a pace but he did. It's good. I was sleepy but wanting. Maybe it's the weather or my headache but I just don't feel like writing an explicit post about great sex. This is enough - in a good way.

Pictures

I started the day off in a sad and stressed mood. I am still stressed (more than I can handle really admitting) but not so sad. I want to spend hours organizing my flickr site, doing tags and sets and descriptions. It would make me happy in the long run I think. Or I could work on the school things I need to do. That's probably a more effective use of my time. Or looking for a job. ugh.

Anyways, I just wanted to post pictures of what I got this weekend.

Flower Pasties:


A few assorted condoms and lube samples:


Book of naughty crosswords (from Miranda for my birthday):


Soy candle that melts into an edible massage lotion:

16 hours

1: conversations about style and shoes

1: conversations about cheating

3: times the cat woke us up

5: number of condoms used

I didn't go to school today. I am feeling good. Awesome even. That's all for now.

Mystery

Well yesterday I posted about the funeral because I freaked out and couldn't go. It was awful and I was a huge mess. I don't know where the post went though.

I'm feeling better today though. Dinner last night was awesome and instead of dancing everyone just went home. FIlmmaker came home with me even though he had to be up at 5:00 this morning. We won't be seeing each other again until he finishes editing the movie he's shooting today. That's Tuesday or Wednesday, which sucks. I am getting very used to this sex thing.

But him and Mirandas man totally talked and a friend of Midges was there and she was awesome to get to know better. It was just really nice. And everyone kept saying how nice I looked. I got fun gifts and there's some gifts that I will get later. It's nice to have them spread out a bit.

That's it. just a bit of fast stuff. I am going to buy some yarn today and go to the sex show with Miranda. I must not spend a lot of money but I need to buy a few things.

I'm about to leave work to go to this stupid funeral that I do not want to be a part of. Filmmaker stayed over again last night which was nice becasue after tonight I won't see him again until Wednesday. The sex was rough but very good. I woke up angry because I just wanted to stay in bed a few more hours and was dreading the first half of my day. I want to just be excited about dinner.

So anyways, I grabbed what I thought was my ativan (lorazepam on the bottle) so I could stave off any anger and panic. Make it through in a haze of sedatives or something. But I just went to go take one and the bottle contains not lorazepam, but citalopram. That's an antidepressant which won't help at all. The lesson is to not only pay more attention, but to throw out old meds and finnally unpack all my bathroom/makeup/jewelry stuff so it all has a proper place.

So now I'm extra stressed because if I do panic I have nothing to get me through it. And all that makes me feel like panic is unavoidable.

ok, I must go now. I'm mad and I hate this. I feel like either throwing up or yelling. I don't get mad too often but this has me all worked up.

Unloading

Last night I was spoiled by FIlmmaker in the way that I wanted to be spoiled by my mom on Tuesday.

On Tuesday I went over to my mom's for dinner. I was expecting dinner to be made with me in mind but it was steak and spaghetti. First, I don't eat steak. Second, Spaghetti is like my lazy/poor dinner. It wasn't even fancy or homemade sauce or something. I felt like I just happened to be there for a dinner they were in a rush to make. Then I got gifts. I wasn't expecting that because my mom accidentally paid some money on my credit card in November and since my credit card is now maxed from Christmas she said it could be my birthday present. So I was already feeling a bit ripped off (and like a bad person for feeling that way) and then both the gifts are exercise related. I did mention kind of wanting an exercise ball but not as much as other things I asked for for Christmas and I just felt bad that my Brithday present was stuff to make me lose weight. I'm crying now. And there is a book I want that didn't arrive before Christmas that I'm going to get, and my mom did buy me cords last week because I'm broke and needed pants really badly. Then the cake was an ice cream cake and I don't particularly love ice cream cake and then I felt more dismissed, and like an ungreatful brat. I felt like crap.

But last night FIlmmaker came over after he was done work. I asked him to bring me a chocolate bar. He showed up with two kinds of soy ice cream, a chocolate brownie from the restaurant he works at (that he made that morning), fudge sauce, and 3 choclate bars. We talked and watched some tv and then had wonderful sex and slept until morning. I'm getting used to this - the treating and the sex.

And I'm broke. And not just normal broke, but not able to pay my bills, or rent, and not knowing when I will be able to. I need to find a job so in February I can short everything out. I'm not even spending silly. I'm just not making enough. And I need $4000.00 to pay more tuition for my next program in May. This makes me feel awful. I'm sitting here paying what I can and opening bills to see how bad it really is.

But I do feel loved. Tomorrow is my birthday dinner with friends, and were going to go dancing. Then I'm going to the sex show on Saturday afternoon and then doing make-up for a fashion show there on Saturday night.

What else is on my mind? I think I have to learn to be more complimentary and affectionate. I was thinking about talking to FIlmmaker about my superficial concerns (about him and that I even have them) but he had a bad day so I didn't want to add to it. But aside from that, I think I need to tell him how great he is more. And be more tender and warm. It's something I really have to work on I think.

But I am changing and I think that's weighing on me, in good and bad ways. I'm taking hormones for someone. I'm finishing a program at school. I am equipped to become a freelance artist (yay!!). I'm a quarter of a century. I'm definately feeling it all. And tomorrow I'm going to a funeral that I don't want to go to. I didn't like the last one and I don't anticipate liking this one. Funerals are not for me - they are for other people. And I don't feel like I can be sad for myself at this one. I'm not crying for the person who died. I'm crying for me and my dad. But that's selfish. And not wanting to go is selfish. But I don't. I don't have anything good to say or to think. I just feel bad that my Dad was actually good and there for me and he's gone. Part of me is crying for my niece. But more becasue I'm worried that it's just not going to hit her for a long time. Then in three months or three years, she'll want someone who was never there for her, and my mom's not going to give her any of the emotional stuff she needs. She's going to feel lost and broken and like the world has been incredibly unfair to her. But she's 10 and I can't warn her.

Well there are all the tears I haven't been able to get rid of the last few months.