Maybe not what was expected

So I was doing something the other day. Walking, cooking, reading, who knows. So, it occured to me that I can't see myself having sex or even kissing anyone. Like I can't close my eyes and imagine it. I was all like "what the fuck?" because it's pretty depressing, and I've had a pretty good few days recently. Oh! I just remembered what happened to trigger this. This needs back story so bear with me for a bit.

One night, Victoria and I came home early from a thing at the Uni but we had both drank at least a bottle of wine each and were pretty tipsy. We came back to my flat and wanted to play a drinking game so we knocked on the downstairs boy's flat. They weren't answering and it was only about 11:00. As we're standing there, the flat across from them (there's two flats on each level of my block) opens their door and there stands 4 boys. I had seen them around but never met them. The downstairs boys come out finally but are too high to actually do anything, so the 4 boys come upstairs and we drink and play games and chat and stuff. Fun night overall. Maybe a week later I am trying to do some school stuff but I'm actually avoiding doing it. One of the downstairs boy's sees me in my room from outside and we start talking. After a while one of the 4 boys comes home super drunk, and instead of going to his flat, comes to mine. The downstairs boy leaves while making jokes about me 'doing my homework'. The boy is smashed and reading one of my textbooks, but wants me to sit with him and read but I'm all like "go home, you're going to fall asleep in my room". After about half an hour I eventually get him to leave and it's only when he hugs me and kisses my hand on the way out I realize that he came up to my flat possibly with a motive.

After that I really never talked to the 4 boys again more than a passing hello. I don't know why because we all seemed to enjoy eachother's company. I did talk to one of them a bit as we saw each other around the block but not much. So anyways, I saw the drunk boy the other day with a girl walking towards our block. I wasn't jealous or anything but it got me thinking. Why am I not in a relationship? Why have I not been in one for a while? I don't in any way regret not sitting with him and reading, I was and am not interested in him at all, but what if I had been interested in him? Would I have done it? Or would I have just done the same thing?

I could say that one of the reasons I can't actually picture myself with someone is because I'm not interested in anyone and visuallizing an unknown person isn't as easy as a real person. So I thought about the downstairs boy (not the one that I was talking to in the story, but the one I almost/kind of liked) but nothing. I don't know if it's because I'm not interested anymore or because there's something wrong with me.

Aside here: I got over the boy because I didn't want to fuck up a friendship and he's young and for some reason I seem to translate that into sexually reserved/immature and that's not what I want in my life. I can be kind of dirty and don't feel any shame over it and want someone at that same kind of level.

I always half believed that a good way of achieving something was by vizualizing it. I can't do that right now and it makes me wonder if something is wrong with all of this. With more thought I just blame it on nerves relating to being vulnerable, because I'm not good at that, but it's still enerving. I want someone. I don't know if it's worse to have a specific someone in mind and have no idea how to do it, or to not know at all who you want. I don't even think I have a type of person looks wise to imagine. This is going no where. Progress, or lack of, will be reported as needed.

Now it's Sunday

But it doesn't feel like Sunday. I've only been awake for a little over 2 hours and I just had a shower and I have tons of energy. I'm going to go make lunch but I don't think I'm going to get any reading for lectures done today. I have time tomorrow between lectures though.

I have gotten a bunch of new music recently and I think it has contributed to this mood I'm in. Razorlight, The Cardigans, The Go! Team, The Libertines, Ed Harcourt, Scissor Sisters. I know lots of these aren't really new, but they are new to me in that I can listen to them in my flat and not just drunk at a bar or at a friends.

I had my third dream since I've moved about going home and hating it, or really missing England. In this one, I was doing good, I even went home early. But then something came on the TV and I just started crying and crying and couldn't stop and no one knew what do to and I strzated saying how I was such an idiot to leave early and asking why no one convinced me to stay as long as I could. I also recall vaguely walking through the desert but therre were lots of tree roots all over the sand, but no trees. And it was a hilly desert. Hmm. I don't know where that comes in.

I have some sex stuff to talk about but no time now. Stay posted.

It's not Sunday in My World

Well it's been Sunday-feeling in my world everyday for the last two weeks or so, but I mean that I seem to write a lot of after midnight, so my post shows up as being done on Sunday because it is technically Sunday. However because I haven't slept this is still part of my Saturday. And what an uneventful Saturday it was. I figured out why I haven't seen the downstairs boys in a few days. It is because they have gone to the young one's home in Brighton for a few days. He raves about Brighton and says I should visit it. It's on the list that's still in my head.

I felt happy and pretty again today but make-up and such had nothing to do with it becasue I stayed in my pajamas most of the day except for the evening walk to pick up some groceries. I've gotten a bunch of reading for my lectures done and still have more to do tomorrow before going to film in the evening with Lily and some others. Her Scotsman will be there and I hope we can talk more. We have things in common but he's really quiet and shy and I don't want to force him to talk to me because I know how I hate small talk when you feel obligated. It was better the last time we all hung out though so that's good. I figure as long and we can talk about film it's good.

I'm going to 'bed' now in hopes of eventually falling asleep at an hour that is not completely ridiculous because I have stuff to do tomorrow and I have to be awake at 7:30 am on Monday which is something I haven't done in almost a month. It'll be rough but at least the lecture I'll be at will be interesting. People meeting potential tomorrow night, which I'm looking forward to also.

All Over My Map

1. Laughter

My flatmates might think I'm crazy because I keep laughing out loud in my room, but there's no one else in it. Laughter enducing items have been as follows: A play I read today for one of my lectures. This webpage of weird sex laws. A certain anecdote from Bedshaped about a guy wanking in the middle of traffic. I also called myself a loser and thought that was funny, because I may be home on a Friday night but I am kind of having fun with all the new music I have acquired in the last few days and giving myself a pedicure.


2. Ex's

My longest relationship was my second one. We'll my first one is a novel in itself, and we never actually kissed but he was more than a friend. We had our times together from between the ages of 12 and 20. There were stretches of years where I didn't see him but when I did see him, or talk to him, something happened. He was the guy previously mentioned with the tummy rubbing. He is totally the wrong person for me but our chemistry is so thick you can see it in the air. One night when I'm feeling pathetically lonely you will hear about him. I reserve my longing for him to those moments.

Anyways, my longest relationship was my second one. We kissed. We kissed a lot. We did more than kiss alot. Ah, I'm losing focus. Artboy and I were together for two and a half years. Eventually, he broke up with me and wanted to stay friends but I was hurt and couldn't/didn't want to do it. We stopped seeing or talking to eachother at all. We now see each other at a yearly event he started going to because I have gone since I was a baby and he would come with me. He had a girlfriend after a while who I happily met and he decided to tell me one year that they had some problems but were sorting through it and he loved her. And you could tell he did.

Now since I've moved 1000's of miles a way, we talk a lot more. Maybe once every week or two. Well it's a lot more compared to once a year. It's good we're friends and nice to talk to him on that level after so long even though we are such different people now, in relation to who we were as people and compared to each other. So I know him and the girl have still been having problems but they live together and have been together for at about 4 years, maybe more, and have talked marriage seriously. But now, they have broken up. I didn't really know what to say but I feel sad for him. He said it's better than all the fighting but I guess I was just happy one of us had found someone to love. I never for a second thought I coulld love any of the people I've dated. Is that sad? I don't know if this is going anywhere. Maybe it will another day.


3. Flashback

The other night, I had just got myself off with very good success and was lying in bed with the sleep dress I was wearing bunched up around my waist and my vibe still warm and between my legs. I recalled a night maybe a year or so ago at a party at a friends house. There were four of us friends who were skunk drunk. I mean I could name maybe 5 other people at the party and there were at least 20 other people there I knew well. We were out of it. The whole night was filled with sexual tension. Between everyone. Lots of tit grabbing. Discussions of meetings in bathrooms that never occured. Giggles everytime someone said a word like "hard" or something equally normal but potentially sex related. Talk of if boyfriends went down on their girl enough.

The end of the night came and many people left but a bunch stayed and slept in various places around the house. I snagged a couch where I slept in my own in my thong and one of my hosts skimpy camisoles that just barely fit over my breasts. Normally I'd just stay in whatever shirt I wore that night, but tonight there was seriously someting in the air or the drink. We giggled more and discussed our breasts more but eventually everyone quietened and I was left feeling incredibly wanton. So there on the couch in the middle of a living room with several other people sleeping or awake I jilled off to a quiet but necessary orgasm. All the while imagining what if two things brought up during the craziness of the night had really happened.


4. Practicalities

The Birmingham trip has been moved to Wednesday because I have it off and I didn't wake up until 11:00 today because I didn't set my alarm last night. Today I felt gorgeous. Like, beautiful and hot and flirtatious. Cleavage, dark and shiny lips and a few other small items was all it took. Hopefully the feeling will stick with me and will be used to my advantage. That's it. Sorry for all the rambling here but this is what needed to be said tonight. My blogger spellcheck thing doesn't fucking work. I'll correct errors as I locate them. I am smart, a nerd even. I wore my glasses today even when I was reading. I feel crazy but happy. gleeful might be the right word. I should be dancing or something.

But it's not Sunday

Today consisted of sleeping in, cleaning, laundry, a real breakfast, a manicure and some conversations with friends. My nails are short, shiny and bright pink. My hands are wonderfully soft. Last night, unfortunately, we ended up not staying at the quiz because we got there late and it was too crowded. We watched Dazed and Confused, which made me feel like I was twelve years old and skipping school in my friends basement. We also watched the end half of Kill Bill, vol.1, because we had all seen the film and just wanted to watch that part. It reminded me of Chistmas day in a roundabout and not a as-creepy-as-it-sounds kind of way.

This morning I went to the downstairs boys flat to get some cooking stuff I had lent them. They were just reading the paper and hanging out. I invited them both to a show next week, but I'm not sure if even I'm going to go. My concern with the one guys has minimized considerably, which is good. I'm excited to return to lectures on Monday and meet a new group of people. There will be many of the same people because all my lectures are in the same department, but new ones too. Also the indie film society is meeting for the first time since December on Sunday so it'll be nice to see who shows up. There's a few of us who are always there and then some people you only see once.

This morning I woke up to an email from a friend asking me how much time was left until I go home. Basically I'm only living in England for the year before going back to where I'm from and finishing my degree. I still have over 6 months left, but there is so much I haven't seen and done yet. Even in this city - It's not small, but smaller than what I'm used to. I am going to stay in the UK for my spring break and see some things them, but there's just so much. And it's not even seeing cities or places, but things I want to experience while I'm here. I don't have specific things in a list or anything, I guess I just feel that there's so much to do and I have to take advantage of my time here, whatever that ends up meaning. However, I have done so much these last few months that I could never have imagined as part of my story, so it's really cool. And there's so much I'm going to miss when I have to go home.

That's enough fo that though, I'm supposed to me working more on living in the moment so enough of thinking about what's going to happen in 6 months because those 6 months have tons of potential, some of it is already starting to be used. I guess I feel a bit renewed and like there's lots of good stuff ahead of me. I couldn't ask for much more really. Well I could, but not right now. Maybe later I will do a list of things I want before I leave. Or just things I want to do this year in general, wherever I'm living.

back on track

Well an afternoon of shopping and dinner out with a friend really helps a girls spirits out. I aqcuired some new and wonderful make-up and a few tops from the wonderful H&M. Lily joined me and we ate too much at a buffet restaurant. I am at her house now, waiting for her scotsman and some others to arrive. Then we are going to a quiz night at the indie cinema in town. Should be fun and hopefully I will arrive home not too drunk. I feel good, which is good. The next shoping trip will be all lingerie. It'll be great.

Too much Information

Today I was so sore from major cramps. I took some heavy painkillers, drank tea, ate toast, had a bath and read. That was my day, the pain gets so bad even walking across the hall to the kitchen is daunting. The painkillers got me thorugh the film though so that was good. After the film, which was really good by the way, I came home read a bit more and went to bed. That's where I am now.

I decided that the best thing for me at this point would be a little self-inflicted pleasure. You see, for me, and for several others I know, nothing makes cramps better than a good orgasm or two. Serious. Plus I find that in the week or so around and during my period I am crazy horny. Serious still. My last ex-of-signifcance was pretty freaked out by having sex with me during those few days, but I wanted it so bad that I didn't care if he was involved or not. While sometimes he was totally fine with that as the result he realized he was missing out on me at a time when I was a bit more adventerous than normal.

Anyway, tonight, I decided a bit of help from a vibrator and some erotica would be good, and it was. Sometimes this makes me fall asleep better too, but tonight was not one of those times. I'm actually probably going to have another before going to bed tonight. Erotica of choice tonight is seeming to be girls only. I haven't been into that so much lately so it's a nice change - mixing things up a bit.

That's all I have. I'm feeling pretty back to normal and hope this next wank will bring about a nice peaceful sleep.

Another list

1. I am feeling much better emotionally today. I think I had somethings bothering me that I wasn't acknowledging, but I have now and feel calmer and have actual perspective about my life.

2. Sorry for all that unloading yesterday. It might happen everyonce in a while, but I guess I have to realize it's ok and not get so scared when it happens.

3. Today I feel exhausted physically. My legs and back are sore, a slight headache is present and I just slept horribly.

4. Tonight Victoria and all her flatmates (becasue they don't suck arse like mine) are joining me to go onto campus and see Supersize Me. I'm expecting to be glad I am a vegetarian who doesn't eat fast food except in the most dire of situations, and has ideological issues with McDonalds which keeps me from even entering one for the toilet.

5. Tomorrow I am going to go into my city and shop. MAC, H&M, Marks & Spencers are top on the list.

6. Tomorrow I am going to also go on campus and borrow some CD's from the music library and buy my train ticket to Birmingham.

7. On friday I am going to Birmingham. Even if Victoria doesn't come and I'm on my own. There, I will go shopping more and check out a tattooist or two and maybe treat myself to dinner.

Deserving the truth

I'm am wrtitng this before reading the comment on the last post because I can't handle comments right now. So I was writing that last post and realized I was holding back. I then went to my other blog where the people who read it know me in real life and consists of my family and friends. There I broke down in tears and explained what was really at the heart of my mood this evening. The tears have stopped now but I'm still a little shaken. You see, the thing is, there is something about me that you don't know. Considering all the things you do know that no one in my life has any idea about, it's weird. But it's something that's hard to understand for some people and it's something that is scary for me because I think sometimes that I'm over it and I can leave it behind me and not have it be a part of myslef now.

Basically, when I was about 16 I was diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder, which is basically chronic depression that comes and goes with the seasons because of the particular chemical my body lacks. With several different kinds of therapy I got control of it by the time I was 19. But those years were insanely hard. I felt disconnected from the world, I couldn't leave my house for days at a time, I would hardly eat, I lost friends. I did get control of it though and things got better. However, from that I developed a generalized panic disorder. This basically means that randomly I have major panic attacks. I have fainted in public, I have heart palpitations, my vision goes blurry, I can't breath, I feel nauseous. I have it pretty under control and in 2004 only had two attacks, but the possibility of one is a constant thing in my life.

This is why I analyse everything and I'm so scared to just leave things to go how they're supposed to. This is why when I get into a bad mood it quickly spirals: it's awful to think I'm going back to that place. This is why I have such a hard time letting people get close to me. I have to work my arse of every single day to not let this past get to me and I can't afford someone else coming into my life and fucking with that. I have worked too fucking hard to get where I am. I am a bit more calm now, but it's scary. I don't want to go to Birmingham now, because the last trip I took, though wonderful ended 3 days early because of the panic attacks. I don't want to go through that again. I know it's foolish. I know it's irrational. Despite all that it's still terrifying to think that could ever be my life again and to remember how bad I felt for so long.

This is the other side of me. Not the girl who is obsessive about guys, or who goes out drinking and dancing, or who wants to go shopping for new make-up and cute bras. I'd rather be that girl all the time, and since I moved here I have been that girl 96% of the time - it is who I am. But days like this I lose it and I get frustrated and upset. I don't really have any one here I can go to either. My good friends know about the panic in case we're out and I have an attack, they know where my medication is, but I don't feel like I can call them up in tears. That makes the friend and boyfriend finding daunting for me. I know that anyone close to me is also going to have to deal with it. I can hardly cope sometimes, so why would someone rightly choose to by being around me? I know that the answer is that the good me is worth dealing with the occasional mess of emotions and the good people will know it. That's hard to always believe though.

This whole evening has turned into this giant self-absobed mess. Normal stuff shall return tomorrow I hope. I'm going to go see if I can read that comment now without crying or something. Maybe I'll go make some tea too. I bought Somekind of berry tea with vanilla at sainsburys and it smeels good. Maybe a credit card and the lingerie department at M&S is the answer.

Rhythms

So today I actually got some work done, which is pretty impressive. I have been silly unproductive in the last week. Something though, feels off. I think it's just the world getting me down a bit. Plans getting cancelled, changed or put on hold. So you feel like you're just waiting for whatever's next to come along, but not really active in it. I'm all weird about going to Birmingham now. The person who was going with me probably isn't now and it makes me not want to go. I guess it's just what happends when you don't really have anything to do, and the people around you do.

Right now I have no lectures and no job.
Victoria has her football team, a job and other friends.
The downstairs boys have each other and lectures.
Lily has her scotsman and lectures.

And that's my list. It's weird how one day you feel like you have all this stuff going on and a few days later it feels like you have nothing. And when there is something, everyone's too busy. Whether it be a film, dancing, Birmingham, whatever. It's something. Six months ago, before I moved here, I was the busy one. I went weeks without seeing my best friends because there was just too much going on. I love that I don't have a job here; it's the first time I haven't worked and gone to school since I was 14. I love it here in general. There are other friends, people I've met at parties, or lectures, but it's different.

I think there's just only so long you can oversleep and be self-indulgent before you just get bored and lonely. Tomorrow I have to go on to campus, but the stuff I have to do will take two hours, max. It's a sad thing when you'd rather be in lectures. I could go into the city and use the credit card a bit, but it's not really a very good idea. Especially because that's what I want to do in Birmingham. Maybe being on campus will pick me up a bit and I'm going to a film in the evening with Victoria and her flatmates. It should get better.

Methods of Measurement

So. Weight. Blah. I hate that it's an issue. I ahte to admit that I care because I know that I shouldn't. See there's no way for you out there to know what I look like, so you all get to create your own ideas about this. That's kind of weird becasue thin/fat is so based on the individual and the words mean so little on their own. That said here I go.

I don't consider myself fat, but I know that some people have. I am not thin. I used to be a dancer, and even at the most intense time of dancing I was always the most un-thin everywhere. But there were always so many girls that were so tiny I found it odd. I eat fairly well and pay attention to eating properly. I could be more active, but I do what I can and do more at times than others. I am really comfortable and at ease with my body. I know what parts I like most, and I show them off. I dress to work with my body. I'll never squeeze into something too small or try to cover myself with things that are too big. I know that even if I lost weight I will never be model thin, or even thin to any real definition - it's more about shape than weight.

First of all, and this is weird but I know of a very few other people who feel the same way, skinny guys freak me out. It's not that I don't find them attractive, or wouldn't date them, but I'm more insecure around them. I really don't know why, but I'm working on it. I think it has to do with a fear of them making jugdements quicker on my own weight. Or that they're going to be settling for something less than they could have. I know those both reflect on my own insecurities. I may be comfortable with myself, but I never said I was comfortable with others. People come from different backgrounds and you don't know what someone thinks. Plus, these days there's so much diet-garbage constantly around and popular conceptions of body size is getting so screwed up that what we see is often not matched in reality so you never know what someones image of overweight is. I also have a prefernce for guys that make me feel physically surrounded. This usually has way more to do with height but there's something about a guy standing or laying behind you and making you feel wrapped up. I don't know if that sounds like what I want it to but there you go.

Second thing is that...umm, I kind of covered it up there. That like people are going to feel like they're settling and I don't want to be a consolation prize to someone. Like the hotter girl turned them down so over they come. Or that there's this thing about me that is not quite what they imagined their partner being like. I know that there are tons of guys out there who don't give a shit. I've dated them. I've never actually had comments about my weight either so I don't know where it comes from but it's there.

I don't know what about last night made me think about it. There were girls there who were bigger than me and I looked great. I think I kind of got into complain mode and everything just came out. Usually I couldn't care less and don't want to even be friends with people who do. There it is I guess. Over and Out.

Adding it up

So this morning my email is down for maintenance so I can't check it until 2:00 which sucks. It also sucks that this morning I was up at about 9:30 and I couldn't fall back asleep. What is that? This past week I haven't been able to wake up before noon, and then today 9:30. I did go to bed about 2 hours earlier than normal though. It's for the best. Next term I have 9 am classes on Monday and Tuesday both of which are too important to sleep though.

I feel ok this morning. A slight head ache when I get up and walk around but not a big deal. My plans for today are modest so I'm still in bed and plan to stay here for a bit longer before having a bath.

Last night I consumed:
1. a bit less than a third of a large bottle of archers. so about 20 cl at 23%
2. 2 reefs, one orange, one pink
3. half a bottle of orange fizzy stuff. 5%, about 35 cl
4. 1 Bacardi Breezer
5. 2 double vodka's and orange juice
6. 4 sour apple shots
7. 1 toffe apple shot
8. half a shot of tequila

It's a wierd list. Some stuff was randomness left in the fridge by a flatmate who moved. The archers was what I bought. Some stuff was what Victoria had (the orange fizzy stuff was her's and we were chasing the archers with it) and other stuff was purchased at the bar where the party was.

I've kind of re-read last nights thoughts and I'm not going to expand on any of them right now. I think it somehow managed to be exactly what I needed to say. It may not be that clear or whatever, but I think these kind of things are never clear really and that's how they're meant to be. or something. I don't know. It's not like I went to the party to meet boys and it was therefore a failure. I went to get smashed and dance with Victoria. On that I was extremely successful. But I guess I am realizing that I do kind of have people show an interest in me and it's not something I have ever been very used to. It is getting more familiar though and my reactions are now more friendly and open. That's progress for me. As for the drunk factor, I usually do not drink as much as I did last night unless I'm staying close to home, just because I like to be more aware when getting home involves taxis and stuff, rather than just walking across the road and down a path.

I also seem to have a large bruise developing on my forearm from who knows what.

Party environment

It just took me like 6 tries to type the title so bear (?) with me here. I'm drunk and I probably shouldn't be typing anything but that's part of what I want to type about.

1. it shouldn't be a game, this boy meets girl thing. there's always a loser is games. even if the game is a draw, someone just wants to kick someone elses arse next time more.

2. The only time I am comfortable enough si when I am drunk, but then I don't know what any one is saying with their accents. Despite the accents being part of the allure in the first place.

3. I'm not ready to go to bed, and I want to knock on the downstairs boys' flat. I can hear people up, but I don't know if it's appropriate.

4. I was so drunk tonight (and still am) that a boy may have been interested but I was too drunk to communicate.

5. This whole meeting someone thing is awful. half of me just wants to be pushed up against a wall, fucked and called dirty names, but the other half wants someone to walk home with at the end of the day. SO I guess I really want both, but I am concerned that's too much to ask.

6. The downstairs boy, I don;t think he could shove me up against a wall and it's too much risk. Last time I even considered taking that risk, I ended up not hearing from the guy.

7. Sometimes I think it's because I'm not thin. I don't think I'm fat either, that is a word whose deifinition varies. If I was thin the downstairs boy might not intimidate me as much by him being so thin, and I might be more willing to risk something. Or if I was thin, maybe guys would approach me easier. But then, I wouldn't want the attention because of that. I would just think all those guys are arses.

8. I had lots of fun tonight, but I feel lacking. I was kind of talking to a boy but see number 4 for why that may not have worked.

9. I just feel like I'm old enough to be done with all the shit, but then my experience is that I'm not, but I just don't have the patience or the energy to wade through it all.

I don't know what all this is. I have this concept in my head that it should be simple, but ti's so not. And I wish it was. I just don't know what to say toher than that. Even if I wasn't half interested in downstairs boy I'd still feel awkward about knocking on their door. I still feel awkward about my whole life sometimes and I so don't want to. I want to be done with it all and I just wish it were easy. Maybe there'll be a more clear post when I wake up tomorrow (around 3 or 4 pm) or maybe I'll just let this be as it is. Becasu this is really what it is. I am confused, kind of irrationally insecure and I don't know how to behave. I don't know how to get what I want. Just being myself and going about my life isn't working. I've been doing that for a long time.

Costumes

There's a TV show that started int North America a while ago called Wonderfalls. Unfortunately they only aired 3 of the 13 episodes they shot. While I never watched it because I couldn't but earlier this month I read them all and it's so good. So I'm going to be the lead character from that show tonight. I know no one will know who it is but I couldn't care less. I will be in some sort of a costume but I'll be comfortable enough to be smashed. Victoria is coming home from work at 6:00 and I am going to head over there to start drinking. We probably won't head to the party (a two minute walk away) until about 9:00.

I am also going to go into a nearby city, Birmingham, next week I think and check out a tattooist. I already have work done, but want another piece done while I'm here and I wasn't the comfortable with any of the artists in my city. Plus I will go shopping which will be fun.

If the last party at this place was any indication tonight should be really fun and I'll come back with a good story to tell. I normally employ a "don't kiss and tell" rule in my life to a great extent, but not here - you'll get full details if there are any to he told.

My sleeping in until 2:00 only leaves me 3 hours to make sometihng to cook, eat, bath and get ready so I am off.

Two for the price of one

Insecurity: So we had fun, the three of us last night. But today, I fear that I said too much, or said the wrong thing. And don't know what but the concern is there. We were talking about how we present ourselves and stuff. I was trying to explain how, even though I'm always myself, I am differnt parts of myslef with differnt people or at different times. Today I'm caught up in that. I really don't change my behaviour, but I certainly conceal certain aspects of my life and personality. I also don't think that it's bad at all. Some people will get more after a while, but it's slow usually, unless alcohol is involved. Then I can say anything whether I mean it or not. But still until I hear from the downstairs boys again I will have this doubt that they don't like me anymore and I'm not sure how to get rid of that.

Confusion: Another blog post by Bedshaped mentioned how girls need to make themselves more obvious when they are interested in a guy and talking to him. Well guys need to do the exact same thing. We all need to do it. I have discovered it is a very fine and pale line separating someone being nice and someone flirting. And while I discovered it in theory, I can never see it. Sometimes I'll see firting where it's not occuring, and other times I'll not see it where it's apparently blatant. And part of this I think is if you do put yourself out there, that makes you vulnerable and open to rejection, which always sucks at least a little bit. I know the only answer is to take chances but that's a big step and I'm not always sure I'm ready to take it.

a bottle of wine later

My night has been completely redeemed. It is so late and I left the downstairs guys deep in conversation of political theory. I gave them both hugs and said I was retiring to bed, which is where I am going to go. Tomorrow night we are watching films and it will be good. I feel like something else. something that is dreamy and open and comfortable. I can't really describe it more than that, and for some reason don't think I need to. They day has been long and full and challenging and wonderful for all the tears and laughter and self-revelation.

Modest Mouse

"But it's hard to be a human being/ It's as hard as anything else" -Baby Blue Sedan by Modest Mouse

The downstairs guys saw me as they were leaving and asked why I wasn't going out, so I explained quickly. Then they invited me to go with them but I wearing pajamas and said no. They glanced at eachother. They asked if I'd be up at 2 and I said most likely so they said they'd see me then.

And I know it's sincere but now I need to cry and there's so many other things you don't know. That I've come so far.

Then, suddenly I'm proofreading and "I've had the Time of My Life" from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack is iTunes' next random choice and I laugh and smile and there's tears and I'm this big mess that just doesn't know what to do because I know this truth that I am incredibly happy despite the evening. And that little thing is all that I needed to remember.

This was going to be this miserable, pathetic, self-pitying post, and it's so not. The first quote still applies though.
I hope everyone out there is having a good day/night/morning.

unreasonably

Sometimes I feel upset or sad or whatever and it's not for any logical reason. There's a moment when I realize I only have very few friends here and that if they all have other plans, I am left as I am now. Like the guys downstairs, I don't feel like I can just pop in to theirs becasue I'm bored and stuff. Like I'm sure other people have better things to be doing, which is an insecurity thing. I also have an issue, that it takes a long time for me to say I'm someones friend, and close enough to just kind of contact them out of the blue.

So now, with Victoria cancelling, I feel like I have nothing to do and I'm bored and alone. I like to think sometimes that I have all these people and all these things but then times like this makes me wonder if I'm totally fooling myself. Like maybe Victoria isn't tired, she just doesn't want to go out with me. And maybe the guys downstairs don't want to hang out with me, and the only reason I ever end up hanging out with them is because they feel sorry for me when they are on their way out and see me sitting in my room. I know it's not true, but it's still a thought I have sometimes.

Crap, I'm sad now and feel like crap. It's weird how 20 hours, 9 of which I spent sleeping, can make such a difference.

Change in Plans

Well VIctoria called me earlier and is exhausted from cramming all week and is not wanting to go out tonight. I don't know about going with the guys downstairs because it wasn't like planned that we were going out or even pre-drinking together. If I end up staying in tonight it's not a big deal anyway.

I have decided though that any tiny bit of interest being develloped in the guiy downstairs needs to be prevented from continuing. Shouldn't be a big deal, I tend to get over-interested when I'm stressed for some reason (distraction maybe) and I am as relaxed right now as...umm...something really relaxed.

I also tend to get caught up when someone is nice to me, which sounds silly. Like if they're someone I wouldn't normally hang out with or something, whether for a good reason or not, and then they're nice - and smart, funny, interesting - I get happy. But maybe that's not about like, but friendship and I just get it confused in my head.

Whatever is going on, this guy is remaining a friend becasue I need those more than I do a boyfriend any time. Although, that's mostly becasue we always need friends, and we never really need a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Plus, I'm a little hung up on things ending and I don;t like potentials to be close to me incase it ends. That's awful but very true right now. Although, anything I start is going to end because I am moving in July. Sometimes I think I shouldn't even be considering anything right now because it'll end, strictly because of the reality of my life. dismal.

Retelling

Well the haiku from a few nights ago suits tonight as well. The wind is blowing hard and shaking my slightly open window. I have been drinking. One boy I was with had an exam tomorrow so he wasn't drinking too much wine. The other boy was otherwise indulging. That caused my wine glass to be filled repetitivly.

We watched a great film and I think I could possibly have a silly crush on the one who had the exam. He's young though and a friend. Not willing to risk one of the few friendships at this point. This is only a warm up for tomorrow though and it's very exciting. Tomorrow is me and Victorias night to go wild and we might meet up with, or start the night, with the boys I was with tonight.

All is well in my floaty and vague little world. I want to kiss someone, even if it is with drunken and giddy excitement, rather than anything else. I want to do other things too, but my lack of sobriety prevents me from articulating them any more than after this I am going to have a wonderful orgasm thinking about a certain inaccesible boy.

But you know it's a happy ending, becasue I feel loved somehow no matter what.

The L Word

Jenny: Okay. Why... is it so difficult... to meet the right person? You know. All of your stories are about confusion and unfulfilled desire and disappointment, right?
Alice: Yeah, but that pretty much happens to everyone who tries to be in a relationship.

That's an excerpt from the above named show. I have been reading all the scripts from the first season and I really like it, but I 've never actually watched it. I don't have a tv anymore and haven't had more than 2 channels in 3 years. But I read TV. Kind of wrong but I enjoy it.

So today instead of sleeping in until noon, I didn't get up until 1:30. How awful. I'll probably be up until 4:30 am again and then lather, rinse, repeat. As long as I can break the habit after next week that's fine. Tomorrow is a party night and I'm excited. We're either going to an 80's night or a 60's and funk night. However, the guys I was out with on Sunday are also going out but they are going to a hip-hop, funk punk, electro night that sounded interesting at a club I've never been to. We'll see, but will probably end up at the 80's night. All drinks are 1.75 so that evens it out. Don;t get me wrong, I like 80's but this place is cheese, so it'll be all 80's cheese, which is different than just 80's.

Talking Back

I'm home tonight and bored. I could read for school but don't really want to. So I'm just hanging out online and such. I might watch "The Red Violin" later. I've seen it a bunch of times but love it. If you haven't seen it seek it out.

I wanted to say that I won't always reply to comments made on my posts unless they are questions or obvious attempts for a reply. It's not because I don't want to but once I get back into lectures I can get really busy on certain days and just don't get the time no matter how much I want to. If you want to say something to me that you definitely want me to reply to, it's best to email me and then I'll answer you for sure, either by email, post, or both. Well only if you're not totally creepy.

I still have no ideas for the costume party this weekend. I don't want to do anything too big. I'm thinking of a fairly normal looking person. Simple and something I wouldn't feel uncomfortable being smashed in. I'm open to ideas though. Must be a character from tv, movie or book. I might bail out though and just not do the costume things at all. Or because I'm not actually from the UK, I could pretend, should I be asked, that I'm someone from my country who doesn't exist but no one would know any better.

to be touched

I was just lying on my bed trying to get the energy together to go to Sainsbury's for some groceries. There was good music in the back ground and only fairy lights illuminate the room. Tonight I feel far away from the world.

I miss being touched lovingly. In all honestly, I can handle the lack of orgasms induced by another person. It would be nicer to have some but it's not like I'm constantly sexually frustrated. This feeling is not about sex. I want someone to hug, or who will rest their hand on my thigh. To feel someone breathing on your neck while you lie in bed, and feel their breathing slow and deepen and they get more and more relaxed. Sometimes it's that I miss most.

That phsycical intimacy is not replaceable. You can't give it to yourself. You're friends can't give it. A one night stand can't give it. It's got to be someone you like and enjoy spending time with and who makes you feel as relaxed as you do in the bath just because their skin on yours is warm and soft.

There's this one guy that has been in and out of my life for years. I am not physically attracted to him, and there are so many parts of his personality I really dislike. We never dated, or even kissed. Through much of our friendship he was dating someone else. But in these times, I think of him and a night where he came to my flat. We watched a film that we mostly talked through. He didn't leave till 8:00 am. Most of that night was me with my head resting in his lap and his hand rubbing my stomach. I drifted to sleep occasionally. We talked a bit. He touched my hair. That feeling of closeness is what I miss. That tenderness and that contentment.

my dream life

So you'll hear about dreams when I have them because they are usually surreal and delusional. I do know the thing about dreams are only interesting to the person that has them, but I don't care too much.

1. I am living in a room with a bunch of other people. The room is in a house that we have broken into and the owner is away and we don't know when he/she will be back. The room is covered (walls, ceiling, floor, windows) in blue and green bed sheets. We're kind of hiding, but the sheets were already there when we got there. The day we decide to move on (I think we're like backpacking or something) one of the girls we're with decides to use the toilet. After a few minutes she's not back so two of us go to tell her to hurry up. As we walk into the hallyway, we hear a washing machine on and we realize the owner is home. We walk to the end of the hallway and peak around the corner. We see the man in the house, but he doesn't see us, and he's cooking something on the stove. As soon as we see him we somehow know he's a serial killer and we freak and go back to the room. After about 10 minutes the girl still hasn't returned and we are sure he's caught her and is going to kill her. I woke up kind of crying from this one.

2. I'm in the flat I last lived in with my parents. There's a guy in my bed and we're kind of making out but I'm not really into him. Then I don't remember for a while. Then I'm in the bed again with another guy and he is really hot and we are making out wildly. It seems we have both been waiting for this to happen. Then we fall asleep happy. The next morning I realize that the guy from the previous night is staying at my house for whatever reason and is going to be really hurt when he realizes this other guy I really like is here. I leave my room and my sister and dad are in the living room and I ask my dad how long guy 1 is here for and my dad says his plane leaves that day and he leaves the flat. My sister looks at me and says the only reason I asked it because I want to sleep with guy 2 and not feel guilty, which is completely true. I look down the hallway and the two guys are chatting and totally relaxed. Next thing I know I'm at a reastaurant with my sister eating an omelett with cheese, mushrooms and sweet corn.

my evening

A haiku:
orange juice, vodka, wine
pool, football, porn, life, laughter
night I must repeat

How I wish it were more saucy than that, but I am happy. All in time, all in time. I feel good and am on my way to bed in a haze of alcohol aided calmness/arousal. Thursday will be another drunken night, as will be Saturday. Things shall be very good and hopefully full of opportunity.

(ETA: I also changed the description in the header just becasue I think it needed to be done to be a proper description)

Who are you?

Sometimes I have days where I feel more like myself. Today for example. The want to wear jewelry, perfume and an off-the-shoulder sweater, rather than the yoga pants and tank tops I've been living in the last little while. I'm only going on to campus to deal with some school stuff. And not that those things are more me, they're just a different image of me. A different incarnation.

But it's not just a outside thing. It's how comfortable I am with my body, my mannerisms, my place, everything. Even the bra I put on fits better than normal. It's not about happiness or a good mood either, it's all about comfort and complete lack of tension in my shoulders if that's even possible. Like I could run into anyone and it wouldn't phase me the least, effortless conversation, relaxed smiles.

Secrets

I received a big confessional email this morning from a friend. We live in countries that are far apart now, but when we did live closer together we were close. Now we're closer. The email really had nothing to do with me until I asked about a name reference she made, so she explained in more detail than she had told to people previously.

(This is a self-indlugent, rambling, circular post. I came to no conclusions and there is still much to be said and clarified. I'm working on it.)

So it got me thinking about what we tell other people and what we tell ourselves. This blog, this is something only the above mentioned friend knows about and no one else I actually know. Well they might know through her, but not that it's me. And I wanted it that way. Because, in a way, this is all about things I can't say because I don't know how people will see me. Part of me doesn't care who likes me or what people think, but then there's part of me that does care and just wants to feel included. The people in my life do know the real me, I can not be anyone other than myself, but they don't necesasrily know all of me. Is that how it's supposed to be?

Then there's the things, the personal truths, that you are too scared to tell to others because it means that they are truths to you, and they are things you don't want to say about yourself, or fears and concerns you don't want to admit. I think I'm admitting a lot of these things to myself finally, but still saying them aloud is another thing. Like we all have moments of doubt and insecurity. But they are more real if other people know about them. But if other people know them will that make them not like me?

It's not like I have this big shallow group of friends. A few close friends and lots acquaintances is how I'd say it. But I'm always on the perifery of the groups. Always the person people can confide in because I'm not too involved, but I know the players. Sometimes that's nice and other times it's sad. I know it's my fault I stay at this distance. I have issues, which is I'm sure obvious by now. But it's all stuff that I have needed to develop over the years to protect myself from what I see as my natural being. Being involved is scary. It means you rely on others and you have to put parts of you on display. I'm not good at that. I am good at being self-contained and protected.

I wish I was more even. I wish that things were simpler in my head. I wish I was more relaxed. I wish that I didn't see everything and have to decide what it means. But I do. I am getting a lot better at not doing this. But part of that has been admitting the things you actually do. The storm before the calm maybe?

For quite a while, because it's way easier in a way than what I'm doing now, I didn't care about being in a replationship and I just stayed away from them. But it's kinda of lonely and not very productive. It got me into the big pit where I don't trust my instincts, I doubt my worth, I don't know what I'm doing at all. And that's not who I am in every other area of my life. I am confident, realistic, optimistic. And that's what I project. So when I'm anything other than that, it's weakness and not how I want to be. But sometimes, it's really who I am.

Steady Rhythm

Exams are over.
I have not gone drinking either of the last two nights as planned.
I am going to bed at 3:00 and waking at noon.
Tomorrow some people are coming over for dinner.
Elliot is out of mind and no email will be sent.
I need a costume for a party next weekend (a TV or movie character).
I have decided on the design of my next tattoo.
I feel grounded, not excited.
My breathing is how it should be, deep and even.
My bedroom is a place of exterme comfort.
Willingness and contentment surrond me.

Afterthoughts

I've been thinking about my last post and it all makes me feel like I'm 14 or something. I never did this then though. Like why is this such a big, complicated thing in my head? It feels like it shouldn't be but it is. I just need to relax and take things as they come. be in the moment. I'm too stressed out this week. Thank cod for tomorrow, or today I mean.

Obsession

Here are two of the main reasons I suck at dating:

1. I get obsessed with people with whom there is no posibility of actually hooking up with.
2. I can't tell at all if someone is interested in me, or is just wanting a friendship.

I have known both these things for a while, and both of them were major factors in the guy I was seeing in November and december before it ended with two unreturned voicemails. But now the first one is back in the forefront.

Well I came to the, maybe delayed, conclusion that I am obsessed with Elliot (see 'All dressed up" and "Some Recent History" for some background) but nothing will happen nor do I want it too really. I could list the reasons, but not yet. I realized this as I was cooking dinner tonight and formulating an email to him. No, no, I'm not going to look him up, email him out of the blue and seem all creepy. I was studying for an exam today and found his email address on some notes. I did a project with him in early November and we were emailing stuff back and forth with another guy. So, now I could email and it would be less creepy.

But what am I doing emailing him? Asking him to a giant drunk fest when he doesn't drink? How stupid is that? Plus he's, if not shy, quiet and knows none of my friends. Though I did half invite Paul, who he does know. He has a girlfriend and I do not go after boys with girlfriends, ever. And I have to see him in class for the next 4 months.

How fucked up am I? And Paul is a situation where I hope he doesn't like me because I'm not interested in him and dealing with that is not something I am good at either. I am so fucked up. Plus every once in a while I think of the unknown boy at the bar last week and wonder why that couldn't have actually have happened. It turns out Victoria was so drunk she didn't even know this was happening and would have waited had she known. I want exams to be over and fall asleep drunk tomorrow.

Is it wrong?

Well it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I have the day free to revise for my last exam that is tomorrow afternoon. However, I have not done a single ounce of revising. So far my morning has constituted of message boards, emails, porn, 2 orgasms, and humous and pita. This is my last resort procrastination. I think I'm going to go have a shower and then start studying. Technically I have 24 hours and I don't need that long. I may even, if invited by the guys downstairs, go to the bar tonight for a drink or two.

All dressed up

I am putting on make-up as I write this. I wear make-up maybe once a week, and that's only if something is going on. It's very much a treat for me. Like a long bath, or getting my hair cut. The occasion tonight is a film. Hardly an occasion really, I just feel like wearing make-up.

As predicted I feel much better than the other day. The film tonight is with my Canadian friend...let's call her, Victoria. She'll come up a lot. Our next exam is the same and on friday, and she has a voucher for the cinema so off we go. It'll be a nice break.

I was hoping to talk to the guy who doesn't drink (umm. we'll call him Elliot) today at our exam but I didn't. There were lots of people waiting to go into the room for the exam because several modules writing at the same time and he was talking with some people far away from the group I was waiting with. Then afterwards, I did so miserably on the exam I just wanted out of the room. Later I was in the bank and I saw him outside talking to someone, but by the time I was done, he was gone. So there that is. No invite to the party unless I run into him by chance, and that hasn't happened once this year. Well he said he saw me once in town , but that I looked occupied in a conversation with someone so he didn't want to bug me. I could look up his email on the student directory because I know his name and major, but I think that would be kind of creepy if I actually emailed him. Wouldn't it? I mean half of me would love to have someone say it's not creepy, but I don't know if I'd do it anyway. I still have a lecture with him next term so I don't want to embarrass myself, and he's one of the people I actually talk to a bunch in the class.

On that topic, I have gotten 2 friendster messages this week from people I don't know asking me for my email address so they can be my friend. Both have been weird and formal like "can I have your permission" and "would it please you to be". Just very strange. If you're on friendster, don't do that to people.

Last thing for today. I was at the library returning a book after my exam and ran into Paul (another guy I know from lectures) and it seemed we had both turned down the invites to the bar after the exam for whatever reason. But him and some friends that I don't know are doing a campus pub crawl (14 of them and you have a double at each) next friday and he invited me to go with them. So we exchanged emails. I'm not sure if I'll go but we'll see. I want to go dancing that Saturday and drinking two nights in a row is expensive and I'm a bit low on cash until February. And there's a concert the week after I want to go to. We'll see. So many things to do.

Decisions

Is it wrong to abandon revising because it's just too hard in favour of a bath and some self-lovin'? I hope not.

I have been seeing this guy around my block recently who I have never noticed before. Last night I abandoned revising in favour of pints with a few friends as a sort of belated birthday treat even though I had an exam today. After a few drinks, we went back to their flat for snacks and to watch films. There I met the mystery guy because he lives there, but he also has a girlfriend. He was nice though so will be good to party with.

I've been thinking a bit more about the guy who doesn't drink and I've decided that I'm interested about why he has made that choice but I am not going to try to get him to drink. I was thinking how I'd feel and I would not like it. I was the last one of my group of friends growing up to drink and was glad I wasn't pressured by them and felt I could decide to whenever I wanted. Most of them also got into drugs and I never did, but I was never made to feel bad about it. If we talk when I see him for our exam, I might mention a party some friends are having at the end of exams and see if he wants to come hang out anyways. A girl can never have too many friends, even if they are young, shy and alcohol-free. And I'll still make sure he gets home safe because that's just what I do.

That's all there is today. Exams have drained most of my mental energy but as soon as Wednesday afternoon comes and the painful one is over I will be much more relaxed. I may even try to convince a few people to go drinking this weekend.

Excuses, Part 1

I am lying in bed as I type this. I am trying to go to sleep early. I should be out tonight, considering it's my birthday, but exams have made me lead a life of boredom this week so the party will occur in two weeks after exams. Well there might be some drunkeness before that. We'll see.

I want to start talking about why I don't do casual sex. I'm sure the reasons are kind of all intertwined and I'm still working with them. Honestly, there is a part of me that loves the idea of it. Just doing it for physical release. I have this image of being pinned against a wall, right inside a doorway, with my purse and coat dropped at his feet, and my legs around his waist. Urgent, intense. That part of it is all very attractive to me.

However, for me to be that free with myself, and really let go with someone, I have to be comfortable. There in lies the problem I guess; People don't make me comfortable quickly. I need to feel safe. I need to know he is not going to trash me as soon as I leave the room. I need to know that he cares that I get home safely. If I feel that comfortable with someone it is automatically not casual anymore because that person must at least enjoy my company, have a bunch of respect for me and understand and acknowledge these needs.

I'm one of those people who takes a while to loosen up. Or a few shots of liquor, but even then I hold back a bit. But once you're someone I'm comfortable with, I become an open book. I will say and do anything I want. It's like some people see me as conservative and boring when they meet me. I'm really just shy. And if someone wants to work at breaking through that, and I don't think it's too hard, because I have been trying really hard to be less shy, there's this silly, open, sexual, happy person.

I've veered from my original point I think. In a way. Also, this isn't just about dating type relationships, but friendships too. I also sometimes think, that if people do see the sexual side of me too early, that...ummm. I don't really know. But it concerns me. I was playing "I never" one night, which for those who don't know, it's basically where one person says something they've never done, and anyone who has done it has to drink. It's fun, you find out good things and you can embaress your friends. It always quickly gets sexual. So I was playing with some guys I had met that night at a party who live in my block and another girl who I was at the party with. I ended up being the only one who had done something and everyone was kind of shocked. Now I didn't hesitate to tell the truth, because I don't care that I did it, but now when I see any of these guys, it's something they know about me and I worry that it affects how they see me.

Maybe this is getting into virgin/slut territory. But I saw two of those guys on the way home from the party I mentioned in my first post. Just to clarify, I had a bra and zip-up hoodie on, but it was unzipped so my bra and lots of cleavage were visible. And now...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head, but I wonder how they perceive me, because they don't really know me on any other level than this drunk girl who never has boys over, but always seems to be...well...I don't know. Maybe it's all in my own head.

I don't know what got me to this point. I guess it's about how I am sexual and I want that to be out there and I want someone to experience it with me, but it can't be the only part of me they know. In a way it's as if, if someone doesn't like one part of me, I don't really want them to like any part of me. I need to be seen as a complete person. I can't separate me sexuality from my intellect so why should I let someone else do so? Woah, I've actually never seen it that way until now.

So there it is. I think this touches on way more of my personality than I initially intended it to. Either you're now bored to death, or you wish you really knew me. Kidding.

Music to make love to

Top on my sex/wank music list currently:

Musicology by Prince

Elephunk by Black Eyed Peas

Anything by Bjork

Easy (Cover) by Faith No More

Exciter by Depeche Mode

And I stole my post title from an EP by the above mentioned Faith No More. Also, this is hardly representative of my musical tastes which are actually fairly different from this.

What do you like to hear other than moaning, whimpers and dirty words?

First of Many, v.2

So this is the morning after post where I apologize for the nonsense of the night before. You'll get used to the cycle.

So the friend comes up to me and askes if I like his friend. I say that I haven't talked to him so I don't know. And the he said something else, and I answered with a sentence that contained the word 'potentiallity'. Then he complimented my accent (It is obviously not English) and I said if his friend came and talked to me I would certainly talk to him back. So the friend leaves and I start dancing again, and then suddenly the lights come on, mid-song, and we're all being pushed towards the doors/coatcheck. Eventually I get outside and hope that I'll see them out there to say hi and pass on my number, but I don't see him and my friends are all too drunk to care and we head to find a cab.

On the upside, my Canadian friend said they all looked 18 so too young for me. I actually don't care too much about age, as I see it being about common state of life. I mean someone my age who had an established career might not work just because my future is so up in the air. I guess, if the circumstances were right, I would consider dating an 18 year old.

First of Many

So I have just returned home from a night of drinking and dancing with several friends. I ran into some other friends while I was there which was great and ya. Please get used to any spelling mistakes as I am skunk drunk right now and trying to type for you. I have shed my clothes in front of the ope window and hope that no one of import saw. At the bar, some guy came up to me as said that his friend had been kind of following me around all night but was really shy. I had no idea who he was, but the crowd of boys was kind of hot so ya. Shit I;m smashed. I'll finish the story in the morning and now I am going to sleep and hopefully have good good good dreams about boys who are too young. I was also considering de-purifying the shy boy from my lecture mentioned earlier in terms of drinking. not of sex. That kind of girl I am not.

Some Recent History

To say that I date would not be an exageration but a downright lie. I suck at dating. Relationships I am ok at. Getting into them is another issue all together. For lots of my time as a teenager I was either in a relationship, or purposely not wanting to be in one. I've dated a few people but it never went far at all. Recently I have been trying to change that because I am interested in having someone around to hangout with and yes, make out with. I'm not really too concerned with seriousness or longevity, just becasue of where my life is, but some level of exclusivity would be nice.

So here's some tidbits about my recent interests and why they are now past interests.

There was a boy in Novemeber and Decemebr who I quite enjoyed, as both a friend and as someone I could potentially be more serious about, and we went out a few times. Then I got drunk and said who knows what and I didn't hear from him after that. I left two voicemails that went unanswered so I left it at that.
Later in Decemeber I met a a guy from Wales while travelling and he was hot in one of the many ways I liked but we were just crossing paths. I did have a sex dream about him though which was nice.
Then there was another boy, from Canada, I also met while travelling. We clicked immediately but he was only in the city I was in for one day so that had no where to go.
Back in October I was getting to know a guy in one of my lectures. While not one of my types, he was very nice. However, he turned out to be a bit too docile and shy for my liking and then I found out he had a girlfriend at home.

Currently, I have no one who I am interested in. I spent a while today distracted by guys playing football (and I do mean soccer here for the North Americans) but they are too young for me. I have also noticed a guy who is really hot in a good way going in and out of my block that I've never seen before so that might be interesting. All in good time.

Fantasy Island

Right now I am all about sex. I flip from studying to sex. I am cramming for finals right now so my social life is pretty empty so I can focus. That does mean that when I do eventually close the books at the end of my day, I need to clear my head. And what better or more effective way is there of doing so than giving myself a well deserved Orgasm? When I study, this often occurs.

Then when I do go out many of the people I see turn into sexual possibilities. I think about making out with or fucking every hot boy and many hot girls I see. Every time I write anything I feel I have to write more about it just to clarify myself. Eventually. Next time I get drunk I will get ridiculously hot for anyone and it'll be wasted. Although, that seems to happen anytime I get drunk recently.

Do you ever think/fantasize about things that you'd never actually do if the opportunity came up? or even that you would be turned off by the very thought of it actually happening in real life? Does that make any sense? I do, which is basically why I'm posing the question. I'm not one to ask the "am I normal" question - I know the answer to that. I often think it may be just a phase. I often go through them with fantasies. Or new ones will be particularly prominent when I first discover them.

Does anything I say make sense or is it all just blabber? I don't care either way but feel I should at least know. Oh and I know people might be thinking of a solution to all this might just be casual sex but I'll get to why I choose at this point in time to not participate another day. It's all about another day.

Feeling The Stress

Quote: 4 years is a long time. Are you sure you'll remember enough about sex to write on it?

I know this was in jest, but it's something that I have considered before. I once wrote in another forum that, to paraphrase myself, I had times where I felt sorry for my next lover because I'd be so awful. I meant that humourously, but in the back of my mind, well you know.

With all that said, here's the thing, I have had sex in the last 4 years, a lot in fact, it just hasn't really involved anyone other than myself. That's not in jest either, I think it's very easy to be sexual without the involvement of penis-vagina-thrusting. Oh, please don't assume there's no thrusting involved in my sex life either, or penis-like items for that matter. Some people might have a problem with this but consider if lesbians have sex for a moment. I mean usually no real penis involved but I know many very sexually satisfied lesbians. So to me it's all about definitions and how you relate to your body and activies.

The other element for me is that while I may not have had intercourse (ouch, I must find a better word) in a while, before that I had lots of it. I'm not going to go into it now but maybe later. Or maybe not. Also, maybe in the same vein of thinking, before ever having actual sex, I was doing a lot of other things and I was certainly one of the more sexual people I knew at that time. I was very sexually satisfied as was the other person I was not having sex with.

Maybe part of this is dispelling the myth that you're not sexual if you're not actively having sex. Because I do believe that it a myth. I know people who have sex a lot who aren't very sexual at all. In a way it's more about thought process and lifestyle than just that whole element of thrusting.

Although, all that aside, I do hope that I will be having actual sex with someone in the future (near, I hope) and I know that most of the reason I haven't for so long is myself. But that is several other posts for several other days. Until then I have a drawer that will help to keep my sexual muscles working and happy until then. Oh, that's also another post for another day.

Is this a resolution?

So I'm doing laundry and decided that I am going to buy all new underware (pants, panties, undies, knickers...I'm a thesaurus) over the next few weeks. It's kind of exciting actually. I only need 14 pairs becasue I do laundry at least every two weeks. I might keep some of my current ones just out of sentimental reasons or because they are super comfortable, but we'll see.

I am also kind of surprised to see that there are already comments here because, well, I guess I thought no one would actually read, no matter comment. It's exciting though. I'll respond to one of them tomorrow. Or later depending on how occupied and enthralled studying keeps me.

In the middle of something new...

I think that's what best describes who and where I am. I'm going to start this off by listing 5 things most people don't know about me. Hopefully these will help you to understand what my purpose here is.

1. Whenever I break up with a boyfriend, my fantasizing is limited to girl-on-girl action for a good few weeks.

2. The sight of guys playing football or rugby is incredibly distracting.

3. My first kiss was over 2 plates of strawberry cheesecake.

4. I haven't had sex in over 4 years and it makes me feel unlike any other college girl.

(Aside: The guys playing footbal just went inside. Good and bad.)

5. I took my shirt off while dancing on a dance floor last month because it (my shirt) was dirty and the room was too hot to keep my sweater on over it.

Even I'm not sure how all of this is going to evolve. The world I am in has quite a bit of potential, and possibly for one of the first times in my life I think I am not only ready for it, but actually want it.