Quick Reflections

Loosely following Midges lead:

1. I think not drinking as often makes me less quickly drunk. Strange but maybe true. Howver, the two I'm with now are trashed and I am compltely sober. I actually drank asignificant amount too. hmmm.

2. I miss a lot of things. I miss people, places, objects, feelings. It's a very hard thing to navigate and get a handle on really.

3. I am in between lives. Like in a place of transition just when I thought I knew exactly where I was going and how it was going to most likely work. Now I am neither here nor there with it all and not feeling I know how to fix that.

4. I can't say at all that this year was bad. I can't say I don't want the next one to be better. I want no deaths, less crying, a relationship and comfort with future, no matter I decide it might look like.

5. I don't feel sad and teary which is really quite amazing and does make me feel good about things.

Nearly Ready

I am on my second glass of wine and grazing over all the food being served here tonight. In about 10 minutes a friend of Lily's is coming over and then at 8:00 we are going to meet a bunch of her other friends and then see where we're going from there. Really I'd be satisfied if the evening ended up here just relaxing.

Yesterday we went to Manchester andenoyed much shopping. We came home very tired and with many new items. I really quite liked the small part of the city we saqw. Then we stayed up until half 2 just all talking in the living room. It was very nice.

I must go now to both eat and drink more and I will check in sometime tomorrow.

Happy new year everyone!

An English List

1. Shopping in Chester today. Bought: 3 knickers (4.00 pounds). 1 black and silver tank top (9.00). 1 bra (12.00). 1 pair of shorts, for inside flat only (2.50).

2. Massive coziness with Lily's family. Lots of kid conversations, dogs, comparing Canada to England, opening presents.

3. I love it here. I feel good and rested. I want everyone to move here.

4. We are going to the pub in just a bit with some of Lily's friends.

5. Tomorrow is Manchester for more shopping. Yay!

Now I know

I was still in bed at noon today despite having tons to do in the way of cleaning and packing and being really hungry. But I was online and IceHockey messages me to ask for some music for his computer at his parents house where he's staying until new years. Here's part of the conversation. (Oh, and the name I was using was myname plus "needs a massage" becasue I really really do.)

IH says: oh wait, got any dan bern tracks to share?
Celia needs a massage says: yup, one sec
Transfer of "08 The Engine Driver.mp3" is complete. (by The Decemberists)
IH says: nobody gave you a massage for christmas?
Celia says: no, everyone just gave me money for england. that's really all I asked for
Celia says: I got a few other things but no massage
Transfer of "10 Estelle.m4a" is complete. (by Dan Bern)
IH says: i gave my gf a salon massage
IH says: she didn't look too impressed by the gift certificate though... hope she enjoys it
Celia says: she totally should
Celia says: do you want one last dan bern track?

We talked more after and before that but it appears it's not only his job that's been taking up his time. Oh well. Another one bits the dust. I shouldn't be surprised really.

I must go clean and pack. The house is kind of messay and in 24 hours I will be somewhere in the Vancouver airport going through customs.

Christmas

1. To readers: I have drank a whole bottle of wine to myself tonight. I feel like I need to cry but it is a deep reaction to something I am scared of and something I need someone to hold me through. I just don't know who or when.

2. to IceHockey: I love that you texted me even though I was away to apologizae again that you didn't come to the party and that it is just hard to find time becasue of work now. I am going to find a good but cheap show to invite you to that is sson after I get back but after my birthday. Midge says if I invite you to a show that you would consider it a date so that is my plan. I hope it works out.

3. to me: Don't cry. I know you're sad and lonely and you just want to weep for days but soon you are going to England where you will feel so ay home and have lots of money to spend.

4. to CRB: I am so sorry I upset you last week and I honestly feel really bad. I wanted you to come her to night and share my bed in a loving but platonic way. However, I know I'll only feel that way until I see you and that all the "what if's" have faded away from my pictures of you. But I do want nothing but the best for you and I hope we can be proper friends. I am so sorry and I should have said that earlier. The invite I extended for tomorrow was comepltely honest and should have been done last week.

5. To the first boy who touched my breasts: It was fun to see you tonight. You are cuter than I remember you but way too normal for me. The suburbs can be such a downfall.

6. To C: Your new short hair looks super hot but I'm kind of glad you didn't see me when I was in the store yesterday.

7. to Midge: It was so so so good to see you and cuddle in bed. If you're basking in sex right now I am so retarded jealous.

8. to England: I miss you but you are only 3 days away.

Last Sleep!

Well Midge arrives tomorrow. I have some crafting to take care of before she arrives but that shouldn't be difficult. Our plan consists of cuddling, manicures, food, Chatton's party and likely more cuddling. Oh so exciting. I can fill her in on all the boys (4) I'm not having fabulous sex-filled relationships with - mind you only two of them are of interest in those terms.

Today I got a lot done in the morning and then spent the evening shopping with Miranda. We spent a lot of time in Chapters (found boy number 4 there), ate sushi and shopped for her boy (who I really like). It was super good and it made me feel good.

As suggested by all three of the professionals I have talked to this week (doctor, councellor, and group therapy facilitator) I am letting some people know about my worries of Christmas, trying to think in advance what my triggers for sadness might be, what memories might be called up, what traditions need to be rethought. Plus thinking about how I'll be able to try to do to get through them. They have also all forbade me from not leaving the house once a day, encouraged me to talk to my friends as my friends will want to make me feel better, and to line up things to do when I get back to my trip to avoid a major slump.

Sorry, that was a nutty paragraph. On Christmas eve, which I really want to dress up for even though I won't, my step-sister is cutting my hair which is exciting. It really needs a major trim in the front. My hair is very long and red and healthy otherwise though. I don't think it's be this long and stayed this healthy and managable in years. It makes me happy. I'm not sure when Midge is leaving on Christmas eve but the only reason all the step-sibings are coming so early is to watch a football game on the big TV. Midge and I can drink wine and play crib or something. I'm so glad tomorrow is tomorrow.

Floating

I am feeling slightly more calmed despite having an awful morning and feeling like a complete failure and just barely holding back tears as I walked around UBC. My funding is all screwed and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm worried returning from England will be really hard as I habe nothing here to look forward to.

I'm going to UBC councelling tomorrow and then group on Wednesday. My doctor has also decided to increase the does of my anti-depressant a little bit to see if that helps with the major dips in sadness. They just don't want me to be so hard on myself for what's going on and to remember this is a hard time of year and nothing I'm dealing with is easy.

Three more days until Midge arrives and the real Christmas craziness begins. I have a few more tiny gift to buy and make and just a few more than that to wrap still. I'm doing really good on that front. I also talked to Lily today and that picked me up and re-energized me about that.

I want the next 3 days to go super quickly.

I feel...

Lonely. Lost. Confused. Pointless. Mislead. Disappointed. Unfulfilled. Alone. Irrational. Selfish. Stuck. Blind. Damaged. Hidden. Scared. Disconnected. Hopeless. Desparate. Isolated. Unwanted. Useless. Distant. Broken. Drained. Fragile. Unstable.

My heart is not in a happy place and I don't know what is what right now. I could feel the same in the morning or I could feel completely different. And I know I have people but I just feel like such a downer. I mean it's fucking Christmas, I go to England in 8 days, I have no obligations in terms of work or school, but I feel like this. Plus they all have loves and jobs and all that stuff which gives one a life and I just feel like I'm unreasonably complaining.

And maybe it does go back a bit to one boy not coming to my party and another not answering my text but it's more than that. It's not wanting that to matter and it's knowing that it doesn't to anyone else. That it hasn't to anybody in forever. A year ago it was the only thing in my world not working wonderfully but it's just become this small part of this giant overwhelming pile of things. I just don't know what's happened.

Maybe it was better when I wasn't talking to CRB. Then I could think "if I had his number we could talk and he would make me feel loved". But now that I have his number and know he won't make me feel that way, I feel like there's nothing. I can't even hope for someone to want to come to my rescue. I just sit here alone deciding whether I should ride the tears out or take a sedative so I can fall asleep.

ok, I sobbed a bit and a few things came to me. I need to get back to councelling. I'm glad I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I don't want CRB to be the person I associate feeling loved with. I am so scared of guys/relationships and feeling unwanted. I have no idea how I'm going to cope as this week progresses. Or next week for that matter. I wish I knew the key to feeling normal again. I wish it was as simple as quitting school or buying a new camera. I have no idea where to turn for help or support in times like these. I really need to sleep now and hope to keep the vivid and slightly traumatic dreams away.

A Quick List

1. Party last night went super well. Lot's of fun and the perfect amount of champagne for me. I'm happy.

2. IceHockey didn't end up coming. We talked on the phone and he suggested he might have an evening or two free this coming week but I'm not sure if we'll see each other. I mentioned that I was going away but would be doing a birthday thing upon my return and he would be kept informed. Who knows if this will go anywhere.

3. I feel bad for how I phrased something last time I talked to CRB (to actually cancel lunch with him and Red). I texted him this morning to see if he has plans tomorrow but no response yet. We'll see. He's juggling three other girls right now who he's sleeping with so I'm surprised he has any time for me at all between them, being stoned, and going to work.

4. I only have one more Christmas gift to buy and a few to finish making. Most of them are wrapped too. I feel in good shape about it and I am looking forward to the weekend.

5. Tonight I feel a bit low in general. Something feels over but I'm not sure what exactly. I just want to sit and craft and zone out. This week isn't busy at all save for tomorrow and a few practical things I must do at UBC. I also want to get some school work done before I go on my trip too.

Today

Done
1. 5 dozen Sugar Cookies baked
2. 12 Mince Pies
3. Laundry Started
4. Sorted cocktail accessories

To Do
1. Ice sugar cookies
2. 2 dozen more mince pies
3. Finish laundry
4. Reclean kitchen
5. Fresh linens in bathroom


I feel busy but good. I also have to eat and tomorrow is going to be even crazier. More intense and weird dreams. My obsession with animals is spreading into that world. scorpions, rats, hamsters, monkey, dinosaurs - They're all involved. I'm feeling a little crazy as usual but my mood is mostly up. I'd liek to have everything done by about 6 so I can just sit and watch films and eat dinner. I should have some food at some point before then though.

Waiting

Chatton is on her way here and then we are going Christmas shopping for a bit. I hope we get something to eat too because I'm hungry but the only food we have here needs a while to cook or is for the party and so can't be eaten. I kind of made plans to have lunch with Red and CRB but I don't think it's going to happen today. I saw Red yesterday though and will see her next week so I'm not too concerned.

As for CRB I never really explained after last week. Well I did a little. I guess I just realized that no matter how he's changed he's not for me. We'll stay friends this time because there is none of that tension and we're both honest now but that's it and it won't be constant friends.

My hair is all nice and freshly dyed with that yummy smell. It's bright red and looks really good. I even straightened it this morning. I'm feeling really tired. I've been having more stressful and very weird dreams. I was actually glad Chatton woke me up by calling this morning. Titania and I also actually went to bed early today which is super good.

On another note, I have to start running again. A bunch of my jeans don't fit me anymore. This is the only way I can tell if I've lost of gained weight. It kind of sucks. We were doing really well for a bit in making it a habit but then the rain started and we lost it. We should start again for at least this coming week and then when I'm back from England. It's not really so cold that not going is justified by the weather. It's also not raining a lot.

Ok, Chatton is going to be here in like 5 minutes so I am going to finish getting dressed and find something to eat before we go out.

Creation

It feels like ages have passed since I decided all this school stuff but it's only been a week today. I have been working on gift making and buying and party plans like mad. Things are really coming together on all fronts. I'm feeling a bit sad and thoughtful at times but I am keeping moving.

Tomorrow Titania and I are going to start cooking for the party and then we are going to see the Artists girlfriend play for her album release. I don't think we'll stay long because being around drunk people makes me sad and my energy is still pretty low compared to most other people.

The rest of the week is more cooking and crafting. I hope to finish all my gifts and shopping by this time next week (except for the blanket for Lily's parents). Then next week I can do the first assignment of my course next term, sort out what I am packing for my trip, finish the above mentioned blanket, decide what I'm baking for x-mas eve dessert, and take care of some other things (doctor, school).

Next week Midge will also be visitng for a day, I have two christmas parties to attend (one at Chatton's and another at a club). Titania will likely be out of town with her family for the few days around Christmas. For my family we do gifts and dinner out with my mom and step-dad and -siblings. This year is japanese and korean bbq. Then on Christmas day I'm going to my sisters mom for our traditional brakfast and then back to my sisters for more gifts and dinner.

Today however, there's a bit of a twist. The first guy who ever touched my breasts, nearly 10 years ago, will be with us on Christmas eve. He is one of my step-brothers best friends and this year will not be able to be with his family. So we have invited him to spend the night with us. I haven't seen him since that long ago summer so this should add a little bit of interest to the evening. Especially because I find most of my step-siblings kind of generic and boring.

I'm not sure how much I'll be updating for now. Christmas is harder in a way I am not really prepared for and I just don't want to think about it becasue I don't want to cry. It just worries everyone. You'll get party updates though particularly how I get along with IceHockey. Actually, side note is that his real name is the same as the boyman joining us for Christmas.

And nothing going on with respect to CRB Maybe we'll meet for coffee and I can show him pictures of last year before I go out of town. I actually wondered what he's doing for Christmas because of his lack of family here. I think of him but without a hint of hope or longing. That is good I think.

Consistant

1. Red called to set a time to meet and do some book binding. She was a little too excited about me and CRB talking agin, especially considering I don't know if we will talk again. I'm just not seeing the point right now.

2. The Artist included me in on a general email to invite people to his new girlfriends album release next week. I would like to go, she sounds really good. (added I might ask IceHockey if he is into going should Titania and Chatton not be able to.)

3. Much more craft stuff done today and some sorting. I still have lots to do for the party and for gifts.

4. It was nice to visit HK Inc. today. I was there for about an hour and everyone showered me with "so nice to see you", "when are you coming back" and "you look really good".

5. Tomorrow is my advising apointment. Then I'm going out shopping with my mom. We haven't spent that much time together in the last while so we'll see how it goes.

6. I'm still crying at everything but feeling ok. I'm managing which is probably the most important thing.

(added: 7. Is it wrong that having two orgasms in two days makes me feel more normal than anything else recently?)

(edited at 2:21 am)

Productivity

I have been completey doing lots of things but all at my own pace and at my own choosing. It's helping. I haven't even considered contacting CRB all day and I talked to IceHockey who is going to come to the party next weekend. I made cookies tonight and I am taking them to HK Inc. tomorrow to pick-up my cheque and say hello to everyone there.

I might go buy my camera tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm just doing this because I want to even though I don't need to at all but whatever helps is kind of important right now. My mom found something of my Dad's yesterday and when she told me I just fell into tears. It was a stamp set that I bought him when I was much younger. When we cleaned out his apartment I didn't see it so I was surprised to know it was in one of the boxes she has kept of wrapping paper and ribbon. Even now it's hard to think about it. The closer christmas comes the worse I feel.

I called called UBC advising this morning. I kind of rexplained my situation and explained how I felt after being dismissed and sent away in tears by the last advisor I saw. The woman I spoke with was really nice though and got me a special appointment for Friday morning. I will drop all my courses then. I still have the knowledge from the term so I don't feel it's a complete waste of 3 months.

On friday I'm going to IKEA and Micheals (giant craft shop) to pick up a few last things for Christmas gifts and the party. I'm going to go watch cocktail and wait for Titania to get home from work, as well as update my to-do and shopping lists.

I'm ok

Well I'm not really ok but I'm also not into talking about last night. He was completely good but I just got into a mood towards the end of the night and it has persisted. I didn't go to councelling today and I really just want the world to end. That sounds really shitty. I just don't want to go to school or work or do anything. And I feel like a total failure. I don't even feel like England will solve my problems now. And I don't even want to finish this term. Just quit and chalk it up to a learning experience or something like that. I just don't feel good about any thing.

Nothing New

He was nice as always. We talked a lot about many things. However, I'm disapointed in myself and I'm disapointed with my world. I didn't finish my paper. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. He is not what I realize I kind of wanted him to be. I am unsure if anyone is. I want to hibernate. I want to cry. I want to eat pasta and cream sauce until I throw up. I feel lost and confused and displaced and nothing else worth anything good.

I am going to try to sleep without crying and I will explain more tomorrow. The only real upside is that I looked so good tonight.

Still Sick

Well as the title suggests I feel gross. Eating seems like the grossest thing ever but I need to do it to keep my energy up. But when I feel like thorwing up whenever I do eat it's a tough decision. I need to feel better which at this point means not really eating. Blah. I do fell hungry but food is just yuck. This sucks.

I realized my paper will not get handed in today so I've done a load of laundry and made a note book that fits into my new purse as my sketch book doesn't. As soon as the laundry is done I am going to start working on my paper. I also put my hair up into pin curls so I'll need to take them out at some point and hope they look good.

I am going out tonight with CRB. The film's at 9:30 so we won't meet up until later. I am much more relaxed about it today but still have lots of questions and lots of them are either not meant for asking becasue I don't really know how I'd feel about the potential answers. It will be nice though either way.

ok, off I go to get my laundry and then work on my paper.

Another Late Morning

I think I do want to drop another one of my lectures. I don't want to go to arts advising though to do it because they made me cry last time. It means I will need to get a job next term but I can finish the stuff up at HK Inc. and then get a ncie relaxed job at a bookstore or something. It's a bit scary but I feel destroyed by this term.

Titania and I had a good walk last night. We bundled up because of the cold and walked. We paused at some swings for a bit and then toured the 24-hour grocery store nearby. I felt so sick and still kind of do this morning. Not nearly as bad though. We were nice and tired when we got home though and I was asleep by 3:30.

I blabbered about CRB more and I think the most important thing that came out of it is that I think I get so nervous because I don't know what it really going on. I mean we're just friends and are getting to know each other for the first time in many ways. However, there's this physically energy between us that's so much more developed. It's not a sexual chemistry at all though. I don't know what it is and for me that makes it very hard to deal with.

Like I wanted to hold his hand yesterday while we were walking. That would be inappropriate for where we are as friends though and I certainly didn't want him to kiss me when we parted. So what is that desire/need to have him touch me and feel warm and cuddled by him. I'm sure that it's familiarity and comfort but is that fair of me to him? This si what I am struggling with currently I think.

But as usual I've got to start doing something which means writing papers and putting some food in my body. I don't expect to hear from him about tomorrow night until tomorrow but if anything major hits me it'll end up here.

No Movement

I had a long, bubbly, fragrant bath. Now I'm watching an episode of Nip/Tuck where things are going crazycrazy in such a good way. I still feel sick at the thought of eating. Titania called from work and is starving so she's going to order pizza when she leaves work so it'll be here soon after she's home. I might eat it but I don't think so. It should be a good breakfast though.

She wanted to know how coffee went but I couldn't really say anything. I was just repeating about how shocked I was and how great it went and how surprisingly wonderful he was.

(I think I will drop a third course but need to check how it'll affect my funding and one of my courses for next term before I decide for sure.)

I was thinking about whether I had written about something that's always meant a lot to me when it comes to CRB. So I was searching my archives and I cam across a very touching post about him where I only vaguely referred to the something.

Basically when you end a hug with someone you both part cleanly, with no additional touch. But then there's the hug where you linger. Like you don't want to let go but you have to. your hands touch and then just your fingers as you both turn away. There's more lingering becasue maintaing that touch is crucial to the moment. CRB and I have always hugged like that. From the first feelings of like at 13 years old to today when I left him at his work. With the Artist I only felt that for a short period when we started having sex.

But I felt it today. I felt him put his arm around my shoulders when I had to repeat my Mocha order a third time to the girl on the cash (white chocolate mocha with soy, no whip and a shot of vanilla) and tell me things were ok. When he went to get our finished drinks he rubbed my shoulder, bare because of the neckline of my shirt, told me he'd be right back. His hand was warm.

When he called me on my fidgeting and nervousness he told me that old habits die hard. I apologized and he said that it was ok. I wasn't too sure what was going on there. He told me he wasn't sure if I was going to call and was kind of surprised when I did. He said that it had just been so long and the same stuff I said. When he was talking about his mom I wanted to reach across the table and touch his hand.

There's a lot of emotion but none of it is exciting or crush-like. It's different. It's tender. It's safe. It's complicated. It's unexplored. It's deep. I don't really know what that is either. It makes me want to bury my head into his neck and close my eyes. When we hug it's like there should be kissing involved but there's no need for it.

(when Titania comes home I will end this whether it's really done or not. I don't think it will ever been done somehow.)

Added at 1:18 am: It's not over. I just watched a very serious, emotional, powerful, unique movie called "Mysterious Ways". Really disturbing content but oh so good. I feel very sick. I feel vacant. I feel sick. Maybe a food combined with nerves and thoughts kind of thing. Titania and I are going for a walk.

Relief

Coffee today was awesome. We talked and talked and shared and laughed. I walked with him to work so he wouldn't be late. We're going out on Monday night. I just feel almost shocked by it all. I seriously think I know more real information about him because of an hour and a half today than I ever did in the how-many-ever years we've known each other. I almost don't even know what to say about it all.

I mentioned what Red told me about him blaming her for us never having a real relationship and he acknowledged he said that and really meant it. He told me about his mom, spoke with passion about his job, made me feel at ease with words and touch.

(I'm watching a program of cool opera-based short films. I like it.)

I was nervous. My heart was racing. I felt like it was a blind date - I didn't know if I'd recognize him or what he looked like now or anything. I did recognize him though. He could tell I was nervous and called me on it because I was looking around a lot and fiddling with the mocha cup and my hair. But I felt good in the end. I realize this is all very vague but I think the only thing of import is that it was so good. He was so good.

After I left him at his work I called Chatton. She was shocked that I had seen him and said I shouldn't have been at coffee with him. I said it should have been IceHockey but that I would still go out with him as soon as exams are over if he doesn't come to our christmas party (where CRB is not invited). CRB and I are just re-becoming friends whereas I'm interested in IceHockey for dating so that is still totally being persued. I think I'd much rater date him than CRB anyways. Way more my "type" and way less complicated history.

Chatton said she'd just love to see me get laid though. I agreed despite my medication-induced lack of want. I know if the chance was presented to me it wouldn't be turned down. Also, my massage last night ended up turning into a wanking session while Oceans 11 was paused. Good sign really.

(I love opera.)

CRB and I also made future plans to watch films at my house so he could see my pictures. That will likely be after exams are over though.

In other news I have no appetite. I had a super good breakfast this morning but can't even think of eating now without feeling gross. I hope it passes. I also MUST as usual write some papers tonight but I'm going to have a bath first. Then I will set up a tea/gingersnap/music/christmas-light study haven. I really hope this positive energy lasts. I'm considering dropping another one of my year long requirement courses but I don't know if the one less paper and exam will really make a difference. I have tomorrow to decide.

Butterflies

After some stress I had a very nice conversation with CRB tonight. We are going for coffee tomorrow afternoon and the next week we will go to see Saw 2 which I really want to see. SO much of what he said made me smile and relax and feel like this isn't going to be a giant mistake.

I am still excited about IceHockey though. I'm going to go watch Oceans 11 while indulging in some self-aromatherapy-massage and drifting to sleep. Wish me luck!

Loser

I texted CRB when I was downtown today at the art gallery with Chatton. I didn't hear back by the time I was ready to go so I'm home now. I got a grant from UBC for fall and now I want to buy a new, cute and better camera so we went at looked at the camera.

I am going to eat (for the first time today; my appetite is shit these days) and then start writing my easiest paper that is 2500 words and no real research required. I hope to finish it before sleeping. I might take a break to do some research for my fourth paper which is the only one I haven't started at all. It's due last though.

I am feeling good today. I looked cute and was happy. I think I may have forgot to take my anti-depressant this morning. ah well. too late now and I really don't want to take an extra if I did take it this morning. I do, I feel ok today. I had some hard moments in a store with reference to my dad but I don't really want to talk about it later. That's why I ended up texting CRB I think.

Deep Breaths

I'm still in bed. So lazy. It was another night of crazy dreams. There were tons of separate things and they are all beyond interpretation so much I'm not even going to go over them here.

I am disapointed I haven't heard from CRB. I had really gotten to a place where I wanted to get to really know him as a person indepeandant of everything that happened all those years ago but now I'm thinking he want to talk to me was just light and passing and, as usual, he was not worth so much thought from me. I am disappointed if this is all true.

Is it bad if I contact him? I feel that way because he knows I want to see him and if he wants he can get ahold of me. My hesitation on that is that maybe he still thinks I'm nervous and is leaving it up to me. I hope not. But I am going downtown to the art gallery tomorrow so I might call him while I'm down there. We'll see.

I've got to go get up and do some things like write papers! If it goes poorly and I end up crying you'll know about it. You'll know about ti no matter how it goes really.

One or another

1. I cried in therapy again this week and my next apointment is for Tuesday.

2. I did a tons of research for the third paper of the four I have to do.

3. I need to actually write the papers though.

4. I might change my schedule for next term around.

5. Still no word from CRB and I will not contact him.

6. I really want him to call me so we can see each other.

7. Some excitement about IceHockey not being a lost cause has distracted me.

8. I am willing to consider the possibility of dating CRB if that's what happens.

9. I am willing to not think about him if that's what happens.

10. I can't wait to have school stuff done.