self-destruction?

I texted CRB today. After thinking about him all last night. And seeing if he was on facebook. I know that the only reason I did this is because I am lonely. And totally wanting to have sex. That said, I know I will not get sex or any sort of companionship from him. Nor do I want it. well that much.

And I want to go to the gym and I'm getting sick.

In this totally slefish way I want him to want me but me not want him, just be getting what I need. But it's this version of him that I have in my head that I know isn't accurate.

I just need some validation and intimacy from someone who isn't a friend, and isn't a crazy ex. And I think I just might have set myself up to be totally wrecked again, but I totally loved him saying he was very happy I contacted him. And I was happy. Similing, waiting for the responses.

fuck.

notes

I just added a bunch of songs and episodes of This American Life to my ipod.

I'm not wanting Christmas eve tomorrow. I just want my life to keep going as normal even though I'm feeling pretty neutral about my job. I think I'm a better receptionist than anything else. I'm just going to get two days off that don't really feel like days off.

I feel like parts of my life are secret. Worries about work, my nintendo, my hamster. I'm keeping these from my family because somehow I feel they reveal that I am still totally out of my mind. And I'll just get criticized rather than understood or helped.

My receipts for the year are a giant fucking disaster and I have to make sense of them before February so that my taxes are relatively simple to do. Which they won't ever be though because I have no idea how to do them myself now that I'm self-employed.

If anyone has Vancouver based recommendations for massage therapists, tax advisors, or single interesting men, pass them along to me.

Tiny List

1. Today I bought this bag in pink for my gym stuff. Not a purse, but not ugly.

2. I go to the gym every second day now. I've only been doing it for two weeks but I'm super committed.

3. After the last post about filmmaker he contacted me online like 15 more times in 5 days and basically got me totally freaked out. Not fun in the least.

4. I got a full bikini wax today. Everything. One of the estheticians and I stayed late and did it. It is good, but I think I'll leave a little bit behind next time.

5. I was thinking of putting this whole blog into book form just for me to have a record of it and then deleting it, but I may actually start posting again instead.

I'm still alive

but I am so sexually frustrated it's almost making me angry. And despite my best efforts I can't even give myself one simple fucking orgasm.