Today

I think I might be depressed today. More dreams. Being chased becasue the man who I'm in love with is a secret agent of sorts and he is constantly being chased. Movie theatres, parking lots, secret apartments. He is the good one in the battle. WIlly woka turned live action and interactive on a bus. Listening to the new Sarah Harmer album even though I've never heard it in my awake hours. Also talking to kids about visitng England. And teaching them how to say Nottingham properly.

In my awake life I am playing Sarah Harmer's first album at a very loud volume. It's happier and more uplifing than I feel. My back is really sore and all I want to do is curl back in bed. Instead I got up, got dressed in yoga pants and a tank and Midge's hoodie. I washed my face, took my medication and tied my hair up. It's sunny today and I feel alone. Our cable also got taken qaway today even though we haven't been paying for it for months.

I think I miss Lily's family becasue I got hugged there. I got hugged in England in general. I did cry last night. I was watching Grey's ANatomy and they took a woman off life support. Her daughter was there and some friends were. And the doctor waas upset becasue her monther was also dying and she hadn't visited her very much. I cried.

Sometimes I think it's not my Dad that makes me sad. That I'm just lazy, upset about boys and childish about not being in England. I think about him in happy ways a lot -I mean that I have good memories and o regrets at all about our relationship. But I don't realize he's not around all the time and I have a really hard time thinking about him being in the hospital. And I know some things my sister and mom told me but I can't come to grips with something about it. I was on a plane trying not to think of the worst thing happening. Absored in my ipod and just happy that there was an empty seat beside me.

Maybe Sarah Harmer wasn't the best choice. My sister and I spread some of his ashed this summer with her playing live in the background. WIth a wedding in the background. With people dancing in the background. With my nephew eating a whales tale in the background. WIth an amazing sunset in the background. And we laughed. It was all somehow tragic and perfect at the same time.

Last night I thought about my sister and how she's been able to just keep going. I know she's had someone die before and I think with a kid she kind of has a pressure on her to not fall apart. And I don't ask it as if she should be falling apart. It's more wondering how it happened that I fell apart this much.

I keep thinking about the rehersal for her wedding. BUt people are home now and they brought me flowers. I know I'm loved I just feel so empty sometimes. More another time.

Back and forth

I'm feeling weird today. Lily is not doing well but I haven't been able to talk to her. I want to involve more planes in my life. I'm feeling a bit stunted right now. The dreams are continuing and just not making me feel good. I'm not doing nearly as much school as I should be and I'm not sure what is my real truth right now. I don't think I'm feeling depressed. I'm just feeling a bit lost, confused and isolated. I think there is some difference.

I'm kind of feeling like I need to get something out but it's still a little too far down. I'm thinkingit might come in a few hours when everyone else in my world is sleeping.

Regularity

I'm not able to fall asleep but I really want to because waking up at noon just wastes so much of my day and I'm going back to work soon so even though I can basically pick my own hours I should do it early-ish. On the other hand I guess, I'm starting to have weird, disturbing, complex and emotional dreams again. That makes me not so eager to fall asleep.

My days are being filled with Chatton, dolls and crafting. I'm feeling pretty good but need to get back into the habit of running and be more diligent about working on school stuff every day. I also need to settle down on the spending and cook more fresh and healthy meals. I made soup the other might and it was very relaxing to do. It might become an every weekend thing or something. Soup is so good and so easy to make.

I don't have much else. I was just sitting in bed thinking about England and dreams and felt like writing some of it down might make me feel more prepared to sleep but I don't really know what I was thinking or what I need to say about it.

Chatton and I met up with Miranda briefly yesterday afternoon. Miranda was telling us about this boy who works in an antique shop near her who is cute, who strikes her as someone who would be cool to be friends with and listens to CBC. Then she says it would be so good if she knew anyone to set him up with. Chatton was like "he'd so be Celia's type" and Miranda kind of ignored it. It was weird to me. I just didn't get something about it.

I feel like being absorbed by something. Maybe why that's why I like the shower. I want to be do focused on something that allows me to block out everything else. I can just be me in a perfect little bubble and not forced to think about what I'm missing or what I don't know. I think the dolls and the crafting really do that for me. School doesn't because it is so related to my confusion about where my life is going.

I don't think thinking these thoughts are going to make t easier to fall asleep or prevent the crazy dreams. Although I don't know what would right now. I must go out tomorrow and do something new and stimulating. I must keep myself excited about my world. It's the only way I'll be able to manage.

Goodness

Titani and Chatton and I all went to a party last night. We all drank (I drank my own bottle of french wine quickly) and gossiped and just generally had tons of fun. I feel good this morning. We met a bunch of people and reconnected with some and it was just one of those nights where your faith is kind of restored.

I was reassured that most people don't think I'm a lesbian. I also asked IceHockey if he'd give me some basic guitar lessons but I was drinking ad forgot to see if he replied. Titania saw that he replied when she was shutting the computer down but couldn't remember what he said. We'll see if that goes anywhere.

The final thing is badness: none of my clothes fit. Seriously. I have to get back to running and eating less processed foods. I have one pair of jeans that fit but they are actually a bit too big and make me feel crap except for when they're freshly clean. I've basically been wearing skirts and yoga pants as a result. Luckily I don't have a job or something to dress properly for.

Must go get ready to go out with Titania.

dreams and dolls

I had another dream of being impossibly and blissfully drunk. There was a party being held for me but people all fell asleep early so I went to a pub (we were in Nottingham) where I had never been before. I sat in a corner on my own just drinking. I finally decided to leave and I got towards home a bit but then realized I was really really drunk and I stumbeled. I decided just to sit on the grass in the dark for a bit and sober up. I was alone and drunk but at peace.

Other things were involved such as antiques, snakes, salad in cups, canopy tents, and tall apartment buildings but nothing in enough detail to matter right now.

I'm going mad buying clothes for my new doll but as soon as she arrives I will only buy super special stuff and make the rest. Titani and Chatton are both buying one too so we're buying and making clothes together. I keep looking at buying another doll but it's only because I am impatient about the one I'm waiting for.

I'm going back to work a bit in February. I'll be on my own part-time schedule again except for a week when Sandals will be on vacation and I'll be doing her work. I hope by the end of the month I can end things there and start looking for a more creative job.

UBC is also another current issue. I'm going out there today for councilling and to return some books and buy some others. The hard drive on my laptop failed so I'm going to look at new ones as well. I also found out I still have 3 creadit of science to complete and more credits undone than I thought. I'm confused about it really so I need to see some advisors but I'll leave it until the summer. I'm still not thrilled with being there in general.

But one thing that will make it better is that Chatton will be there in September. We won't likely have similar classes but we will do our science together and maybe some art history stuff. And if we have stuff at the same time I'll get rides maybe. It'll just make it better. Also, just because I can tell you She is moving out of the flat she shares with her boyfriend and back in with her parents. They're still going out but the living together thing just isn't making either of them happy.

Last thing is that I might ask IceHockey if he can teach me how to play guitar or if he knows someone who might be interested. CHatton responded by suggesting I teach him how to knit in exchange. I laughed and said "or teach him how to breakup with his girlfriend" she was shocked because I apparently neglected to tell her that he had a girlfriend. But ya, I wouldn't actually do that.

I must finish getting ready now. Things are kind of picking up I think. Lots of plans right now I'm actually oding stuff. It's good.

Feelings

Today I had a bath and realized I didn't want to be in there for the normal soap-required cleaning reasons. I just wanted to hear the noise of the water and feel the pressure of the shower head and to feel refreshed or something. It was a reason other than actually washing my self.

Dreams last night were of Italy with Lily and the woman I stay with while in London. Her son was there too. We went out and got so wonderfully drunk I couldn't remember getting back to our hotel room at all. It was blissfully wonderful. It made me feel happy.

I also dreamed about having a conversation with someone I didn't know but they thought because their father had died they knew what I was feeling. I realized that I am almost glad that I didn't have the truth of hospital visits as would have happened if I returned earlier. I came back suddenly and was in a haze of un-reality. I'm still there really. It was a strange feeling to realize this in a dream.

Assertions

I know am loved.
I know who my true family is.
I know where I want to be.
I know how I want to feel.
I know I will get there.
I know I am doing fine.
I know things are ok.
I know I can succeed.
I know I will feel normal.
I know this is normal.
I know I will make it thorugh this.

Neglect

My world is mostly about dolls right now. Two of my main internet things are being nearly ignored in favour of doll forums. As for me I'm doing good. I'm going out every day and crying is very infrequent. I broke down on Friday when the harddrive on my laptop died because my dad bought me it before I left for England and I'm just not happy that it doesn't work now. My cat that I grew up with but lives with my mom has also gotten sick and has kidney disease. He's gotten better just in the last few days though which is really good.

I have lots to do over the next week but I'm sleeping well and having most of my day available to do those things so I'm not really worried. They mostly revolve around cleaning, school and crafting. And therapy of course. Titania is away this weekend so it means I have to do the cleaning things before she gets home tonight but otherwise I have all week.

The main motivation for me finally posting here is that I had a weird sequence of dreams last night. I don't really remember anything other than small pieces so here they are in List form. Yes this was all in one night - It's possibly the thing that exhausts me most.

1. I was in Rome and was happy I remembered the city so well I didn't need a map.
2. In Rome I was with Lily, her dad and brother. It flooded and they sent me out of the car to see where safe ground was. I lost the car but then her brother found me and brought me back to it.

3. I was in Paris and London too. The city kept switching back and forth.
4. I was in the entirely fictional place of "Liverpool market" looking in comic and art supply shops that were bigger and more amazing than anything I've ever seen. I wanted to buy a set of animal shaped stamps made from cork but the place closed before I could.
5. In this fictional market I kept slipping and tripping on things and getting separated from Titania.
6. I spent lots of time on various subway systems and looking at their maps.

7. There was a swimming pool where I went swimming with a bunch of others but I just remember the changing rooms.
8. One of the people we were with there declared "I have to tell you all that I have epilepsy so I swim funny. Please don't laugh at me".

9. I worked at a department store and I liked a guy who worked there with me.
10. At close everyday two employees were picked to wear all the clothes that had been tried on that day outside as a form of advertising. I didn't have to do it but the guy I liked did.

11. I had sex with someone but I don't remember,ember it. I just remember kissing him and feeling shy.
12. I knew he had sex earlier that day with another girl who I knew and I found out he rated her an 8 and me a 4.

This next set is really truly fucked. I don't try and explain this stuff anymore.
13. I went to watch the Tyra Banks show live.
14. It was a show where she pulled up people from the audience to do things.
15. She pulled me up and surprised me by pegging me (anal sex by a girl with a strap-on) to prove to other women it was really enjoyable and not something to fear when done properly. She followed it up by pegging a guy.

I'll leave you all with that because really, what more can I say?

Way too early

When I got home on Sunday I should have been tired because I had been awake a very long time. However, I was so excited to show my stuff off Titani and I stayed up until nearly 4 am. I woke up quickly at 10:00 and was very hungry and couldn't fall back to sleep at all.

Yesterday I fell asleep during the first 10 minutes of The Bachelor: Paris at 10 pm. I remember Titania calling to tell me she was on her way home sometime after midnight but I don't remember her coming home or moving from the couch to my bed. Now it's 6:30 am and I am wide awake and can't fall back asleep. I may even have some sushi that was left over from dinner last night. Or some birthday cake maybe.

Other tid-bits of news: Titania and I might be moving in April to a new apartment which should be full of fun and painting. Also, I'm getting very impatient for the doll I bought to arrive. The company is waiting for the paypal e-check to clear before shipping it and it's taking so long. I want to make her clothes but I also wnt to make sure they fit.

Honey, I'm home!

After the longest queue ever in San Fransisco for US customs and nealry 20 hours of travelling I am home. My stuff is sprawled all over the living room just waiting for Titania to get home from work and squeel. Or at least be excited.

I have lots of practical/updating things to do this week so I'm just going to do them at my own pace and lay low a bit. I have this weird feeling that I am as home now as I was two days ago. It doesn't feel like I've either arrived or left a home but just switched them. It really is ideal I think.

Not too much else right now. I am feeling sane and happy and I hope things stay that way.

Short bits

I am still sick today but not nearly as bad as before. We're going out shopping now and I need to buy a new suitcase to get all my stuff down to London.

I feel like I could live here. I don't feel like I'm wasting my time by spending a day in and I could see myself building a network of friends larger than before. It's a shamereally that I can't do that now. BUt I am still ok going home. I will miss here but it feels less paradise-y than it did when I left in June.

We must go now.

Just my luck

Well Lily and I are both officially sick. A bad head-cold has befallen us both and it makes even walking upthe two flights of stairs to the toilet difficult. We're supposed to go out dancing tonight butit mgiht turn into being drinks only. We'll see.

Otherwise I did a bunch more shopping yesterday, received all my school funding even though I'm not actually qualified for it anymore and bought a very expensive doll which is being shipped to me over the next 10 days.

Last day

We're leaving Lily's family today and it feels far to early. I am mostly at home here but I'm not doing nearly enough work (cooking, tidying) because they simply won't let me. This morning is chocolate croissants for breakfast and I have white chocolate which is wonderful.

I'm going to go to Birmingham one day this week (Wednesday maybe)to give Lily some time to revise even though she'll likely spend the day with her new boy (I'll give him a name once I meet him). Tonight we are going to stay in and watch films and order pizza.

I will also hop over to Beeston one day and maybe walk around the campus a bit as well as spend a different day shopping in Nottingham. It is good and I kind of feel like I've been here forever.

One thing I haven't written about is that this holiday season has brought with it dreams about my dad. At first it was just mention of him, then it was thinking he would be somewhere but he wasn't and it was as if I had forgotten. Last night was different though and was the mostdisturbing one recently in general.

I don't remember too many details and other things were involved but basically my mom and his family had gone behind my and my sisters back to excavate my dad (in reality he was creamated) and perform this super controversial surgery that would gring him back to life. When I found out I freak and lots of crying and screaming and stress ensued. My sister was mad too but not in the way I was.

It was complicated and confusing because everyone thought it meant I didn't really wanthim back but it was that they didn't ask us and had no right to make such a decision. PLus, the surgery was so new that they didn't know if, or how much, it would work and they was a chance he would just end up brain dead or something like that and that really upset me.

I'm feeling ok this morning despite the dream. I'm not panicky about it nor has it left me exhausted. Maybe the increased dose of the anti-depressant was what I needed.