A few things

I'm still not in a very good state of mind. I mean I'm still doing everything happily and hopefully, but it's pretty surfacey.

I saw the artist last night. Same as always. nothing really to report.

My birth control got all screwed up this month so my period is all weird and happening when it's not supposed to and I'm sure that's contributing to my mood.

I was very tired at work today and not feeling very well either. I came home and slept for three hours. Then I got up, made dinner and watched "The Devil Wears Prada", which I mostly liked.

I still like my new hair cut. I wish I made more time to flat iron it more because it looks really cute that way.

I think I could be having some minor symptoms of PTSD. This summer's been pretty hard. Really since the bugs and breaking up with Filmmaker, so a bit longer than the summer. But it all goes back to this one day of losing so much all at once without any way to say goodbye.

I don't feel like I should be this sad and emotional. I don't feel like it's justified by the actual state of my life. I feel perpetually heart-broken.

Part 2

So much the same as lat night really. I'm feeling slow and melty. I'm picturing things from "the Phantom Tollbooth" in the doldrums. I haven't seen the movie in so long though that I could be completely off in terms of appropriate imagery.

I feel like going on a date. To a movie and for floats and french fries. But just as much, I feel like buying tons of product even though I don't really need anything.

I fear I may be getting too old for this type of angst. Everyone is growing up but I'm still in the same place in lots of ways. Well not in the same place, but on the same level maybe. Or maybe it's a lack of being anywhere in a complete way that's the problem. And I fear that even finishing school and settling into the new job still won't bring any of it.


(and every bit of love I will ever receive will fall short of what I, in my heart, actually need. I am weighed down tremendously by this.)

question marks

So I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like the night didn't go fast enough. I did some stuff for school, but haven't been doing my best work today, which is frustrating in general. I'm hungry, but not enough to actually eat something, and I am thirsty but not for the three things currently available to me. Four if you count the vodka in the freezer actually.

I'm tired but not ready for sleep. I've got lots to do but don't want any of it. I'm not in a bad mood, but couldn't see myself being very good company. It's all quite confusing.

Everything I want to eat, drink, and occupy myself with is not here. or something like that. I feel something that I can't put my finger on. maybe a lack of short term direction? I mean I think that would be nearly impossible given the current state of things in my life. Maybe this is something like ambivalence. It's kind of all nonsense I think.

blankets

I want to have sex. with someone who will fall asleep next to me. with some who, in the morning, will either convince me to stay in bed long (to have more sex) or will get up early with me (to have breakfast on the porch).

And unfortunately masturbating is less appealing than sleeping alone. I'm frustrated.

thoughts

ok, so I'm drunk again. apparentley I've gone back to drinking.

And I felt good. I had on a cool new shirt, awesome make-up, and I just felt like myself. like dancing and flirting and just relaxing and enjoying myself. but then it slides away. when I realize I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the funnest. And I'm alone. And I told someone who wanted me to go away. And I know it wasn't a mistake in the grand scheme of things, but I feel alone now. And I don't want to feel alone.

I don't want to be reminded that "my britain" is gone. That I live in a world right now that does not seem to want me as I want to be. hm. it's hard. And I'm trying most days, but it's hard.

Choices

Do I stay content and relaxed and live in denile, or do I panic and go crazy? I'm sure there's a middle ground somewhere, but considering I'm taking ativan out with me for the first time in months it's very far away.

I'm back to not understanding my life. I don't have the person I can go to in a crisis . Maybe I'm not meant to have this money. Or this life. I want my therapist back even if it has to cost me $165 and hour.

doom

I am full of feelings of impending doom. Like things are going too smoothly and everything is going to crumble down around me. I'm not to sure what to do.

no thoughts

So after getting super drunk on Sunday night with a friend at a house party my roommates were having, I slept very well. The next morning I was up by 9:00 to go to a photo shoot with that same friend. It's went well but by the end of the day I was quite sick with a cold. Monday I was even more sick but was covering someones shift at work so spent the whole day there save for leaving one hour early. I was glad of that because I felt so sick on the skytrain but luckily I was able to sit down.

Tuesday I was still sick, went to school for an hour and a half then asked them to cancel my clients so I could go home. I slept for the rest of the afternoon and then watched tv and then slept more. Wednesday I was better and have two interesting clients at school.

This morning, I did the above friends nails at school (pink zebra art!) then did clients and then did make-up for friends grad. (ok, her name is Zebra from here on in.) After Zebras show we went for dinner and split 2 pitchers of sangria. I work tomorrow from 8 to 2 at HK Inc. and from 3-9 at the spa. I am tired now and my room is hot.

The future involves working Saturday, pride parade and a BBQ on Sunday, and then crafting on Monday.

Fun tid-bit on the skytrain:

Scene: me, crowd leaving football game, including a boy (10 maybe) and a man (dad?). A guy who I did make-up on for the show is sitting across from me, but not near me as if we are friends.

boy: that guy's a goth.
man: (shakes head) no he's a punk.
me: he's a bit of both I know him.
boy: (thinks) it's weird.
me: it's different
boy: my mom knew goths, in high school. (pause) She hated them. That's how she met this guy. (motions to the man) Then that was the end of things.

Also, Zebra asked if I would date one of the guys who came for dinner with us. I came out with a decently quick no but that was only because I was thinking about it. I miss having a boy around sometimes.