long day

So I've really only been awake for about 14 hours but I'm exhausted. And frustrated and worried. The place was not right and I know this will be a repeat of last September where I'll barely see anything suitable. And I want Filmmaker. I want to be hugged and I want to cry on his shoulder. Instead I'm going to eat more dinner (the lack of sweet food in my house is irritating) and watch tv and go to sleep early. This sucks.

It's only Tuesday

1. Filmmaker

We talked on the weekend, but not about "us" just about stuff. and not talked so much as conversed on messenger. but that's ok. He still knows that I am for all purposes still broken up with him. That said, I haven't said that I am not at all reconsidering. I'll have to be more definate soon.

On some level, I'm completely re-adjusted to not having a boyfriend. It's just like no sex and one less friend. But today I am tired. I am working full days all week, and I have plans every night this week except Friday. So I'm going to be tired and stressed. And part of me wants him to come over with juice and just sit with me and talk to me. But I don't want that to just be the tiredness speaking. I'm not sure how I tell though.

2. Moving

I talked to my landlord this morning and he said I could sublet, or I could just give my notice and move, no matter about the lease. Also, I talked to a girl that I went to school with and she and her boyfriend totally want to move in. So I am moving out and they are going to move in. No sublet worries or anything.

The next part is finding somewhere to live. I am looking at a place tonight, and two places on the weekend. They each have their good things, but each have their bad as well. We'll see. I'm in no rush and if may 1st comes along and I can't find something I'll sleep in my moms spare room until I find something I can afford and that works for me. I need to end the living/money stress, so I can just focus on the good parts of my life exclusivly for a bit, and not becasue it's becasue I'm in denile.

Pressure

Yesterday I had two phone conversations with Filmmaker. The one in the morning was an hour and a half long. The one at night was the same.

There's been some mean things said that were very honest things on both our parts. And some nice honest things too. But I'm still on the side of wanting it to end. And he's still on the side of wanting to keep trying. In the morning he asked me to come to a decision today. In the night I told him that if he was committed to not pressuring me he would have to accept not hearing from me today.

He knows that he made some mistakes, and not because he is a bad person but he was caught in the idea of something. Who I could be, where we could go. But I didn't see any of that. I just saw pressure and felt like I was behind and never going to catch up.

So I don't know where this is going. I am worried he won't be true to what he is saying he needs to change. I am worried that he will be and I won't feel any different. I am worried that I will regret making this decision, whatever it ends up being. But today I am going to rest and eat cookies and watch tv. Tomorrow I am going to craft. And next week I have to work a 40 hour week no matter how awful I feel about it. And I will do the same for the whole of April.

Now the moving stuff is in my head but there's so many facotrs there too that I'm not sure what to do about it.

Down

I feel not good this morning. Mentally, not becasue of being sick. Luckily there is no sight of the email FIlmmaker wants to send me. I must go to work today becasue of money but I don't want to spend all day there because I work at the salon tonight.

Maybe it's the rain or the lack of seeing people. I feel frustrated by my life. And not like it's going to get easier before it gets harder.

struggle

I feel tired and alone and overwhelmed today. I haven't been taking my antibiotics as I should be so that's affecting how I feel I think. I'm not going into work, but I did do some work I had here. And I will go tomorrow. Today I have to do dishes, buy my cat litter, take out the garbage and put my clean clothes away. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like a lot.

On Monday, Filmmaker asked me to reconsider. He also said he felt sorry for me because I didn't know what I wanted. That felt pretty fucking bad. He made me talk and I was crying and it sucked. He was confused about how hard it was seeming, but that I was so firm to sticking with it. And I tried to explain more. And he repeated that he really felt like we had a future together and that he'd wait. He felt like I was giving up and just "disposing" of him. He pointed out that I would have a really hard time finding someone so willing to be patient and care for me. I have a lot of worry about that too. But I also that this would be more difficult in 6 months. And that there is something missing for me. It's still hard.

And I'm stressed about money again. (still really). I had got my bills up todate, but now they are all behind again. And I don't have any extra once I pay my rent. I'm hoping April will help becasue I'll be working full time the whole month, but as soon as I go back to school in May I'm stuck again. That's not even considering how I'm going to pay for school and supplies to begin with.

So I'm frustrated too. And I want help and comfort but I told the person who had been trying to give me that to leave. This sucks.

Explaining myself

I'm at home now and predictably crying. I'm going to see him tomorrow just to exchange some stuff.

So last night I was crafting all day. I knew he had been having a bad week. I knew we were meant to go for dinner and a movie tonight. We had more seriousness last weekend that revolved around me being unconfortable with him liking me more, and me being concerned that my feelings were in the same place as the month before.

(Already removed from all possible internet areas. This process sucks)

This morning I called him for the plan and I knew he was in a bad mood and I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to hear it at all. But I did because I was trying. We decided I would call him when I got home from a craft supply buying trip with a girl from my craft group. But I felt not good. I didn't really want to go out. I felt achy and sick (I've had a sinus infection and been off work for over a week now). But not enough to not go craft buying.

Then I was buying supplies and the girl I was with (bees we'll call her) thought we were going to actually craft afterwards. I said I didn't know that was the plan, but I didn't say that I couldn't. Becasue I wanted to. more than I wanted to see filmmaker. For his birthday. It all just compounded. We stopped in the store where another girl from our craft group worked and bees asked me if I was actually up to crafting that evening and I basically said "It's filmmakers birthday but I think I need to break-up with him because I'd rather craft than spend the night with him". And it came out easily. With sadness but not regret, or guilt.

And I'm alone now. again. I know that's ok but I'm worried it's all I'll ever be.

And it was his birthday. And it was mean of me. and he was wonderful to me and he couldn't have been better. But I wasn't in love, or falling towards it. But I did like him. It's no one fault. But I was told by him that it was reasonable if I just couldn't actually feel anything for anyone but myself. I'm selfish.

Maybe selfish that I couldn't hide it for a night and do it tomorrow. But I wouldn't have got through the night. And I've had that before and when I realized the person had knew the whole day before I felt worse. I couldn't inflict that on him.

I am going to talk to Lily more because no one else is answering their phone. I am not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I don't want to discuss. And that's not because I don't care but because I don't see how it can make things better. or easier. I am also going to go watch the season finale of project catwalk. And I am going to keep myself as busy as possible this week. And maybe cry in the art gallery. And try not to spend any money out of sadness.

how do we blance doing the best for ourselves with being in a relationship? Is it me, or just that he isn't right for me? Do I do this to friends when they are having a hard time? Do I just abandon them because I can't handle it? I think I don't but who knows. I don't want to be blamed, I don't need to blame anyone. But maybe that's becasue it's my choice and it makes sense to me.

must go. I've explained and this isn't helping anymore.

I broke up with FIlmmaker. On his birthday. I know it was the right thing to do and I'm at a freidns house crafting, but when I get home and I'm alone I will cry my heart out. I'm slightly worried I just can't do this. the loving someone thing. giving someone back what I need to be given. hmm.

Sad

I couldn't go to work again today, and can't go to craft group either. My sinus's are all irritated, I feel naseous and I'm lonely. I really wanted to go to craft group. And last night Filmmaker and I had a bunch of seriousness which just really revealed my issues. I don't even know what to say about it. I feel awful in several ways.

Energy

1. I've been really sick with a cold since Monday night.

2. I haven't slept well in days despite taking night time cold pills before I go to bed.

3. I had my first full day at the new job on Thursday and it went really well, espescially considering I was sick.

4. Last night I had a dream about my dad. Well about me moving and packing becasue he died.

5. My ceiling is leaking and I hate it.

6. I'm not any closer to loving filmmaker than I was a month ago and I'm not sure if I ever will be.

a noise I can't spell

So yesterday went awesom at the salon. It's way more where I'm supposed to be. Between them and precision I will have a manageable wage I think. I am not going to call the beading place and I am going to quit the mall job. I am still agonizing over a business card design but think I might have something.

But right now Ihave to watch the last half of a movie I started last night, get ready and go out. My tasks today are:
1. Dishes
2. Laundry (towels and sheets)
3. Cut keys for FIlmmaker
4. Get rainbow sock yarn
5. Train for a few hours at salon
6. Art store for plastic/velum
7. Mail stuff to Midge and other girl

And I have to get ready and have breakfast.

running the race

Well I'm exhausted.

I didn't have an infection of any kind. They didn't know what's wrong. the lump got worse and very painful. It's getting a bit smaller but very slowly and it's much less painful. Last night was the first night in weeks I haven't taken advil to fall asleep. Today is the first day I haven't taken it to be able to get started with my day. The lump is still there though.

Things with Filmmaker are good. I took a few days away from him but then I wanted him back. We talked and I told him I was irritated about the computer thing, and the dinner, and just stress in general. And shared some fears about feeling like I won't be able to really connect with anyone. It helped and we are good now. Really good.

I'm stressed about money as usual, but it's my rent that's too much and I don't really have any options when it comes to movie.

So then there's the job situation. HK inc is stressful and leaves me frustrated 99% of the time. I've been working short training shifts at a mineral make-up kiosk in a mall. The pay is low, it's been slow the times I've been there and I feel like a failrue for this being all I got, and for not selling anything yet. I would get commission, but I'm not selling anything yet.

But then, The woman from the salon job I really wanted weeks ago called today. She wants me to have one shift a week plus filling in on days. It's not a,lot, but it's got tons of advancement potential, and at least it pays decently. I'm going there to do some training today.

But with that, I have to go. I have to change and put make-up on. Tonight I am going to just stay home and relax my ass off. Same with tomrrow probably. And craft. I have a blanket I need to finish.