Step two

I confessed to Orange (aka The Knitter) last night that I've been emailing the Filmmaker. He was proud of me and thought it was a good idea. I'm still not super sure about the whole situation but knowing he's on my side is comforting. I also articualted a tiny bit about why I'm so freaked out about it. I know it's partly about knowing that it's going to end and wondering if it'll just end in me feeling rejected and worse off then I am now.

I also just don't really know who I am in a relationship. I've just been on my own for so long it's all I know and all I'm used to. Plus, last time I was in a relationship I was completely different in general. But then I'm not optimistic that this whole thing will go into relationship territory. (Orange also says I should be more optimistic.) However, we are going to meet and go for drinks in the next week or so. He just moved so he said when he's settled a bit. I agreed to it and only feel minorly sick about it so I think that's good.

I also have some stuff about school and my future profession but I have a feeling it will be more clear sometime this week. Possibily not though. Either way I'll deal wtih it once I have more information to really asses what I'm thinking and feeling.

I also have some stuff about the state of who I am as a sexual person. I'm off all my medication so I actually have a sex drive again which is pretty awesome. However, I have this big split in who I am and how my sexual persona connects to it. I feel like I'm either only sexual or void of it. Or like once someone has a peak of that part of me it's all I become. I don't really know why that is yet but I think it's something I've had for a while but it's never been much of an issue.

(A few notes for those who read before: I'm no longer really talking to Chatton and Titania. I'm not drinking anymore.)

Practice

I emailed the filmmaker back. I didn't get any clarity about the situation but I did realize there's nothing to lose and I just need to keep moving, or at least trying to. I'm really tired tonight and I need to get back to crafting. I just feel busy but it's really not that much. It's all I can really handle I guess though.

Finding a light

I'm feeling stupid today. I wasn't doing well with what we were doing in school today. I had to choose my two best pictures from a photoshoot I did so they could be marked and it was more like finding two that were good enough to not fuck my grade. It's weird getting along with nearly everyone in the class but still feeling like an outsider. Like everything about me sets me apart.

Am I addicted to misery? Am I resistant to enjoying my life?

I'm doing a make-up contest on Saturday. My teachers were about to pass a job (doing make-up) to me when I reminded them I was busy with this. I've found a model and her pictures look amazing so I know it will be good. And I know my design is good. But I'm not happy. I'm dreading doing my design drawing (which needs to be handed in by tomorrow). I fear it's all going to fall short of what's in my head and I'm really not good at this at all.

I'll be exposed for not really being good at anything. All the facts and all the articulateness will fall away and I'll be exposed for being perpetually alone and not good enough to really excel at anything. Or loved by anyone.

I check the creative gigs on craigslist nearly everyday for jobs. I don't feel that comfortable answering any yet because I'm still building my portfolio. Anyway, I ended up reading all the personals. I answered one several weeks ago and didn't tell anyone. I never heard back and felt stupid. I answered another one this weekend. I heard back. I'm scared to answer back.

He send me pictures and he's not that attractive. Not ugly but not someone I think I'd look twice at in real life. He does sound interesting though. A filmmaker. So now my head's full of all these questions. Should I email back even though I'm not thrilled by the pictures? Am I mean and shallow not to? Or am I just being honest? Do I deserve to be picky? Alternatively am I so fucked about not being good enough or lovable that I'll look for anything to have an excuse to not email? All I know is that I feel bad for not replying. Not enough to actually reply though. If I'm just deciding that emailing was an entirely bad idea because I'm so emotionally fucked and insecure right now do I owe any explanation? Why do I feel that I am obligated to explain?

Or, should I just get the fuck over myself and out of my head because it's not doing anything good for me?

I'm going to go watch grey's anatomy and cry. I'm going to feel ok for feeling so fucked up. I'm going to feel bad for not having anyone to make me feel better. I'm going to give myself time to feel alone and unloved so that I can properly devote time to doing my design chart.

Is it wrong to want someone to make me a priority? To drop everything for a few hours and come to my rescue? I go back and forth with my opinion on it all. Maybe it's only wrong to expect it. Maybe I am so desperately in need of feeling certain things that I can't have someone new in my life. I just used the word "desperate" to describe myself. That's pretty fucking disgusting. I don't know how else to explain it though. My life is never going to be somewhere I'm happy with until I feel good enough and loved. That's on me though. And I know that I'm I feel like I'm trying really hard to get there but I don't feel any closer.

Maybe I'm just being more honest with myself now. Before I was being more protective of all these vulnerabilities. Thougher, like I could handle it all. Maybe apart of me could. But all the feeling broken that occured in the last year or so left me unable to pretend. I'm lonely and people leave and there's not reason not to just admit and get used to it.

Part of me, that knows it's wrong wants me to follow that up with " and why the fuck let people in to begin with. You're going to get comfortable with them and they're going to progress and you're going to get left behind. If it feels like you're progressing it's only becasue of the aquisition of some new skill or knowledge or meaningless validation. But you're still lost and alone. And broken.

I hate feeling broken. I hate it so much. I know it's on me to fix it though. And that's hard because I just don't know how. And then I feel more broken. Because love and britain are not going to fix me. They're all I think I want and they're not going to make an ounce of difference in the end. Not matter how good everything fucking feels I'm still, somewhere inside, going to feel like this. It alone is enough to make me not want to do anything ever again.

Resurfacing

I think I'm going to start writing here again. I've just been feeling like I need it recently.

Since I last wrote some things have really changed.

1. I moved again. I now live by myself and it's nice.

2. I love school and am going to take another course next summer.

3. I'm insanely insecure about everything.

4. I'm not drinking at all. I want to though and that makes me uncomfortable.

5. I want to go out and meet people but I feel paralyzed.

6. A new "Cast of Characters" needs to be made. A version 2 or something.

I'm going to leave it there for now. I have several things I need to work out and will likely be posting fairly often. I just don't feel like myself in some ways. But it's more than that. I don't trust anything. My friendships, my skills, my instincts. nothing.