Discomfort

Today I got home and a glass I kept from my dads house was broken. Now there's four instead of five. It's weird. I'm not sure if I'm sad. It's not like they had any significance. He didn't have them when I still lived with him and I don't know where they're from or anything. It's weird.

I'm keeing this short because I am tired. I'm hungry but tired. My back is quite tender but not the muscle pain I was afraid of. It does hurt to lean back on it though and that makes relaxing not a very easy feat. So now I am going to find something to snack on and I am going to jump into bed and watch tv from there.

oh, and I'm making a friend at school which is cool and I also think the girl I met through Midge the other night (we'll officially name here Stevie, like Nicks) actually likes me. She saw me as I was waiting for the bus and we chatted quickly. yee! Also I bought the most recent NME and finally got my hands and the bloody Cut Copy CD I've been looking for for weeks by the wonderful Zulu records who ordered it as there is no canadian release.

(Note to self: Link more!)

Colourful

Well it is done. It's different than I first imagined but it is perfect. Therapy didn't involve anything about boys. I've got to go watch tv.

Repetitive

I am totally fucking up with this art lecture. Again I did not go becasue I was too late and now I am drinking a mocha and eating a very good scone (how I wish I had good clotted cream).

I also feel half dressed in what I'm wearing becasue I dressed for tattoo comfort. I'm wearing like black yoga style pants but they are really worn and faded. I need new ones. Then I've got flip-flops on becasue they're the only shoes that look good with the pants becasue I hardly ever wear shoes with them at all. Plus, the weather is a bit colder than would be good. The rest is normal but the pants throw me off a bit.

I also felt like I had a yeast infection this morning which sucks ass. I haven't had one in forever though so I'm going to go to the doctor to make sure that's what it is. The feeling has passed now but it's not something to ignore. I might buy yogurt today though and eat a big serving of it for the next few days.

Now I feel sick though. Kind of nerves except that I'm not nervous about getting the tattoo or the pain of the work itself. I also have therapy today and feel like I don't know why I'm going but three weeks ago I wish I had my appointment then. I mean I wish I had it on Monday of this week. Or last week. But today, blah. I have to start dealing with something though.

On top of things my neck has been hurting for weeks and it's awful. I really really need a massage. I also sleep really soundly but never quite feel awake. Godd stuff though is that I got my hands on some new music (to my ears at least) and I am really enjoying it. Things are so mixed really.

None of this meant anything. Basically I need lots of things but I'm stuck with them and have a decent if sore day ahead of me. Must go call my doctor and then read.

Lectures

Ok. I am a Classical Studies (Greek and Roman History) major. I'm considering a minor in Art History. I used to want to get my major in Classics (Greek and Latin Languages) but I decided I was more interested in Art and I love Latin but wasn't quite strong enough. I also do not have much love for literary analysis which advanced langauages has a lot of. Also, UBC doesn't have a Historical Linquistics program so it didn't sem like a viable option.

The masters program I would like to return to at Nottingham is titled "The Visual Culture of Classical Antiquity" which basically studies the social and cultural aspects of Classical Art in it's own times and how it has been used and considered since then. There are so many directions I could take it and it makes me excited to think about the possibilities.

Last year my "Fun Lecture" was Latin. I loved the people but the work was hard. My "Inspiring Lecture" was a lecture in Ancient Sculpture ran by the women who run the masters program.

This year my boring classes are basically requirements of my degree program. The first one is Classical Art and Archeology. I just find the lecturer not very interesting and a kind of lacking analytical depth. It's not all stuff I know (but much of it is review) but it's just not being presented interestingly. The second one is CLassical Lit and a lot of it is review and I find the lectures slow but I really like "The Iliad" and "The Odyssey" which are our main texts for the first month and a bit. After we'll do Athenian drama which I'm excited about because I like drama and I have a lot more detailed knowledge of Athens due to some lectures last year.

My other morning class is Egyptian Art and Archeology. Right now it's a lot of prehistory and the details of how they made stone tools isn't super interesting to me. However, I am excited for when we get into the kingdoms and those eras. The other two lectures are both art focused. One is a very interesting seminar session about approaches and methodologies of Art history and criticism and the other is about the visual culture of the 18th century. I like both of those and all the friends I am making are from them.

So now you can see that I am a dork and even when I don't want to go to lectures it has nothing to do with my actual love for my subject. When I read for fun I'm always chosing things that generally surround this topic and are fiction. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my degree but I am very excited to continue with it.

In other news I saw the guy who was doing reiki and conversed slightly with me about tarot cards a week or so ago but he was doing reiki with someone else so I didn't talk to him. I might have otherwise. Maybe. Probably not but I would have considered it.

Last night Midge and I were talking and we get to the subject of charming/insincere boys and she suggested the guy I met through her last week at dinner (Let's call him ) is charming. I said I didn't get that at all but she said it was because he probably didn't wasn't trying to pick me up and he might on Wednesday. Hmm.

Tomorrow is tattoo day. I've got my borig morning lectures, Therapy and then Midge and I are meeting Titania for Lunch. Then Farmer is meeting us at the shop. We'll be taking lots of pictures but I don't know if any will make it onto here. After we'll be going to dinner along with the other person I met at dinenr last week and really liked. Then I'll spend the night at home watching "America's Next Top Model" and "Veronica Mars" and probably feeling sore.

I know I have two new people to name but I don't know them well enough to give them good ones yet. Hopefully after the next meeting with them I'll have it sorted. Midge and I are going to go for a walk now and get a snack.

Overnight

One dream was about being in Vancouver and feeling nothing but rejection. The other was of England and feeling welcomed. I need to stop this.

I also need to stop sleeping in and missing my morning lecture. Tonight I will be making a long post about all my lecture topics and my major. At first I kept these things secret for concern over my anonymity but that seems silly now. So later I will talk all about it and start to sort out why I'm having such an issue with my stupid morning lecture and why it's not a good thing.

Thank god for an interesting guest lecture this afternoon that's getting me to go to school at all. Can you believe I think I want to stay in academia? I feel problematic today. I do not feel good.

I Suggest

If you ever have the opportunity to see either Wolf Parade or Architecture in Helsinki live do it. Or even buy their albums. Both were super awesome in their own special way tonight and it was great. I'd even say even better than last night. So ya. Buy tickets and/or albums related to these bands.

Tonight Midge and I and the people we went to dinner with were in the gelato shop and I commented about not liking cones but didn't want to reveal my reason in public. So afterwards I explained to Midge that it's because I don't like big things in my mouth. And that is true. I prefer small utensils and I hate biting right into fruit like apples and peaches and the like. It's been an issue since I was in my early teens. I realize that has all sorts of sexual implications but I make it work. Anyways, Midge said I was "destined to be a lesbian". I didn't quite know what to say so I said nothing and now the time has passed and I can't ask and what the hell would I ask anyway.

So maybe that's why my friends don't introduce me to boys. They think I'm a lesbian. hmm. I may have a fantasy sexual interest in girls but that's really as far as it goes. I really want a boy in my life to hang out with and be happy when I put large things in my mouth and come to shows with me. I just don't know how anymore.

I know I really should bring it up at therapy but it's so hard. It's like admitting a guilty secret. I can admit tons of my own faults but this one is so hard. It is really so hard to talk about becasue it's something that seems so trivial to worry about. That said, every week or month (or, crap, year) that goes by I feel like I am getting further and further away from it. I mean in a way I feel I am less guarded and more open to guys but then the continuation of nothing ever happening is so completely not in line with that. So then I have to think about what else it could be and that is fucking scary.

I'm leaving that all here. I'm tired and don't feel like dwelling on this now. I do feel like making out with someone though. If only it were even remotely possible.

England

Well it's strange how when I am in a place where I should be having the best time and I'm thinking of England. It's not that I'm not having fun but the place never strays from my mind. I probably need a dose of reality or something as my life currently seems to contain hardly any of it.

Last nights dream was me reaturning to Nottingham and having nowhere to live and I only brought one tiny bag. No clothes, toothbrush, nothing. It was like I just picked up and left. Lily was driving me around to get some dinner and then the next day I'd go buy new stuff, find a flat and start moving all my things over.

Some backstory on Midge and the boy who I met on Tuesday (no name yet as it's possible I won't ever see him again). Basically he was in Japan when she was and she developed a crush on him. They knew each other already because they both grew up in the small nothern BC town. But he ended up not reciprocating the feelings so her crush went away. However at dinner it turns out he kissed her on the neck (weird in itself) and said they should go on a date with some of his japanese friends. So she thinks he may now like her which does make sense according to that behaviour. She isn't interested but it's the not-stuff that makes me not want to be.

On tattoo stuff, I am going to stick with my artist but I am going to go by the studio today and change the size of the font. Right now the plan is to have it go the width of my back but that's way bigger than I think I actually want it. I'd rather less font and more decoration.

What else is going down? Oh, tonight is another show that will be completely different than last nights but super good. Tomorrow I've got to do some school work and reading as well as cleaning because people are coming over for dinner and a mini-dance party. If last night taught me anything it's that Vancouver may have this super laid back image but man do they suck as an audience who really gets into the music. I mean 60% of the audience wasn't even like boppoing their bloody heads to the music. So weird.

Sleeping alone

Having Midge here and sharing my bed makes me remember how nice it is to just sleep and cuddle with someone. It's not something that I really miss until I have someone around.

Today I talked to a whole bucnh of new people and well have have two lectures in common so it was all nice and cool. I even know names now and stuff about people. I also saw a girl on the bus who was knitting and wanted to talk to her but she was sitting to far away. But then later I saw her and said hello and stuff and gave her my email and said she should email me if she's interested in a craft group. She was going to a lecture and was late so we didn't really talk so we'll see if she emails. I'm just proud of my socialness in genreal today considering my aversion to the club things.

Tomorrow I want to wear my new skirt but I'm not sure what to wear with it. I think I'll need Titania and Midge's help. It's a brown skirt and I don't own anything brown and I know in theory what to wear with it but I'm not sure in practice. I'm stuck on shoes and top. SO really I'm completely stuck. I know what I'm going to wear on Saturday to dinner and the show though. I also hope my hair stays clean enough to wear down through Saturday also.

Also, tomorrow I'm going to go check out the other tattoo artist but I don't think I'll change my appointment unless here's really good and nice. I'm feeling unsure about it all which almost makes me want to hold off either way. I usually feel more secure about this stuff.

I also have to go buy some yarn tomorrow to do some crafts. I have plenty already but I have some specific things I need to do. This weekend I want to finish sorting my craft stuff too. It's the most time comsuing part I have left but it'll be good to get a complete sense of what I actuall have.

I am off to bed. I'm still tired from the past few weeks. I'm feeling ok though compared to everything I've been feeling this week. I'm excited about tomorrow night because the concert and the company is going to be awesome.

Another Quickie

I am mystified by my hair. It's so light and red at the bottom compared to how black it normally is. It's really quite different from what I've seen for like the last 5 or so years. I keep seeing and thinking it's crazy and in the mirror I feel I look different.

Also, I just want to note that it's interesting how I can see people are coming back and reading regularly but no one ever comments. Or rarely. But I understand becasue I read lots of blogs regularly and never comment. Maybe I'll start to. hmmmm. I'll have to start paying more attention to the accuracy of my typing though.

I've got to run and craft and read and find something to eat. I haven't eaten yet today. I feeling a bit better about things than yesterday but I am feeling unfortunately bored about school. I'm not sure what's going on. I am longing for Nottingham and the Social. It's club week here and I don't feel comfortable joining anything. Like there's not point and I just don't have the time. But there is and I do. There's just not the desparation to meet people like there was last year.

Dinner time

I don't know what I want to eat for dinner. Instead I'm eating crackers and feeling unfulfilled. Today has been weird. I cried on the bus this morning and was in that place where I just feel so completely broken. I feel messed about boys and Vancouver/England and school and friends and just what I'm doing. I just feel broken and lost. It's rough.

I then went shopping and ened up with three items valuing 170.00. I might be taking the most expensive item (a brown skirt) back as I don't have lots of brown and it was expensive. Then I went and got my hair trimmed and coloured. The colour is awesome. We removed a bunch of the black out and them did an intense red with some chunky streaks in a super-bright red. It looks great but was not cheap either.

At my hair appointment I found out that my stylist was dating a tattoo artist that happened to be the one the person I just booked with apprenticed under. She had words of caution for me that she kind of plateaued but not at a super-high level. SO her work is usually ok but never great. hmm. I've already paid a deposit but it was low I've always done good research before but I have had mixed results. It's hard to find someone who is guaranteed to be good. I am going to go by her boyfriends studio on Friday but I don't know if I'll cancel the other appointment.

I feel torn about it all. I'm also feeling emotional about the date I'm memorializing which might be a factor in my nervousness. Not that I'm not sure about it but I'm worried that it's too soon. Like making it all very real. And whenever I think of that reality I cry and get upset. I feel like I'm in a rough place today.

In other news that's probably not something I need around I met a friend of Midges last night and he was good to talk to and will be going to some shows with us over the next few weeks. But I found out he emailed Midge last night once he got home and said I was really good to talk to. That was nice and flattering. However, there's stuff with him and Midge. Well non-stuff but still stuff.

Rejection

Every single dream I remember from last night was aboput me being completeley rejected by someone. The situations varried but the theme remained the same. Over and over and over again. It sucked. This morning I kind of feel like shit and I have to keep this short so I'm not late for school.

Honestly

I am so so so tired even though it is so early. I have a tattoo appointment set up for next Wednesday at the same time and place as midge but a different artist. A bunch of us had dinner tonight out and it was lots of fun. Met two good new people who I will liekly be seeing again on Friday. Well one I had met before but only while drunk and had never really conversed with her and I will definately see her on Friday.

I will be going to both my lectures tomorrow and then will get some really good lunch and maybe do some minor shopping. Then I am going to get my hair trimmed and coloured. The rest of my day will involve reading, crafting and the season premier of America's Next Top Model.

This morning I watched Tyra's talk show for the second time and it's hilarious in a silly,fascinating, cute car-accident kind of way. If that way is even possible. I am going to go now and if I was alone I would totally wank myself to sleep.

Afraid of wishes

Well I misses another lecture. I figure it's better to sleep in today that tomorrow. I have to go to my first lecture tomorrow because I can NOT miss three days in a row. Also, I will be going to my afternoon class today because it's super interesting and I have no good excuse not to.

Last night was weird - or my dreams were at least. It was all very reality/dream-line-crossing because it all happened in my flat and at night and most everything was the same as last night. Then I'd roll over and wake up slightly and the dream would be no more. And the dreams were blurry like they were half-sleep-reality which is even more confusing. The only place I was sure wasn't reality is when four strangers came in and we were arguing about who was sleeping where.

But what were the dreams you say? Well I think it should be pretty obvious but it was all about midge and I in bed. Nothing really illicit or even close really. Just cuddling which was maybe the strange part. Well there was a bit of kissing and momentary pussy-rubbing-on-thigh but fleeting. Maybe the most confusing part is that I was hesitating over a whole lot of nothing. Like I know I'm the one in control of the situation but I feel like I can't take that and act on it. Like I'm still at risk of being rejected even though I've been told I'm not.

I feel desperate for touch today. Not even sex despite that fact I had some serious throbbing going on much of the night. You know, I did have another dream. It was different. It was about feeling stress by life and about feeling like I was better and making commitments to do things and then feeling really overwhelmed and having to cancel everything but school even though I'll be letting people down.

But mostly I want to feel wanted and loved and touchable. And not in a verbal abstract way but in a concrete and physical way. All that said I think that whenever there's an opportunity I shy away. And the time or two I haven't nothing has ended up. And I think there's also insecurity that maybe now Midge is in one place with respect to things but maybe if something happens she'll change her mind. That sounds silly but it's just so in the back of my mind with everything.

I really need to move on from this. It feels paralyzing and something I don't need to be dealing with. I want the relaxation and comfort I feel in other areas of my life to spread to this one. I really really do.

Do not repeat

On Friday morning I didn't go to my lectures. I woke up late and wouldn't have ahad time to get to the first and then I went back to sleep because it takes me an hour each weay to get to UBC but the class I could have made was only an hour. I figured sleep was better.

Now today I missed my first lecture because I really wanted to straighten my hair so I got on a bus that just made me too late to want to go into the room. I bought a mocha though and am going to go read more before my second lecture. I would have been on time had I decided to not do my hair.

Little Things

I'm in the middle of a place where something I think is small makes me cry and I realize it may seem small but it's not. It's sad and precious and complicated. Throwing out a giant collection of paper shopping bags shouldn't be scary. It's shouldn't be something to avoid and look at with apprehension. But it is when you recognize bags as things you received gifts in year after year and recognize the shops the bags of from as sources of other gifts or shopping trips. And you know they were kept to be reused over and over and over again. It makes it so hard to just take them all and dump them in the recycling.

Cleaning House

Well in 24 hours I will be in Taxi going from the airport to my flat with Midge. Today I have a bunch of cleaning to do so that the house is put together and such. Titania also has sone more stuff to do when she gets home from work as we're sharing the cleaning stuff. Main things are the kitchen, putting my clothes away and sorting my craft stuff in the hallway. Yesterday I bought a new shelf as the closet all this stuff was in was too small and impossible to keep organized and usable.

Last night I got some new clothes at Miranda;s clothing exchange. Some of them were Titania's though so I don't know if that really counts. A beautiful light pink off the shoulder angora sweater does though. I also bought flowers yesterday that look gorgeous. They put palms around the bouquet though and the cat ate all the tips off them. They still look great though, blue rhododendrons and yellow roses.

I was thinking about things today. I guess part of it was me wondering what's the point of casual sex. Like why enter into something you intend to do only once - especially with the risk of it being bad or have bad consequences. Maybe more to the point is I don't want things that are intentionally temporary and unstable. I have enough of that in my life that I want all new things to have the potential to stick with me. And this doesn't apply only to guys.

But then it does. I mean I don't want anything I know won't continue but I know I'm moving again. So why does this come up now? Because Midge is coming home. I've been thinking about this even though it's been slight and in the back of my mind. I know anything happening between us is completely up to me but I just don't know. My body is totally saying yes, but my mind is just all over the place. When I think about the actual eventuality of use sleeping in the same bed for the week and cuddling and being drunk together, I'm like ya, this could be good for the short time she's here.

But then (again) I think about What it will be serving me in the long term. And will there be awkwardness. And will our friends know. And will it be this moment in time thing, or something recurring when it hit the same city and the circumstance is right. I don't know if any of this stuff really matters though. Or if any of the answers will be negative.

I also some potential insecurity issues looming over my head too. And whenever the possibility of something like this is even slightly near that seems to happen. The one good thing about Midge though is that I know she likes me. Like she knows me really well and that's not going to fall apart.

But enough on that. I am realy going to try and just enjoy the four weeks she has here and just let whatever happen. Who knows, maybe we'll go out on Tuesday as planned and noth find hot boys to hook up with instead. Well I won't but I might meet someone I'd be interested in meeting again. I feel like such a prude even though I know that's not true at all.

I am going to go clean now because I really want to go to sleep very early so I have time to striaghtne my hair before lectures on Monday. And I'm still feeling a bit of lingering tiredness from last week that I need to be done with as I have a super busy week but must make all my lectures no matter how early.

Outbusrt

Sometimes I get really loud and judgemental. I don't mean to and then I feel bad. I think I just say things wiht not enough tact. And it's not an always thing just occasionally and it's usually in respect to not being happy about something someone else bought ot did. I should stop it.

I have a weird non-conversation with a cute boy today in between lectures and I should have presued it more. I also talked to some girls in My night lecture, one of whom is in my tuesday afternoon lecture. I'll need to give them names. hm. Anyways, the talking part is good.

Another singer I love, Martha Wainwright, is coming here but on the same night as the killers whom I've already bought tickets too. I ranted about that a whole bunch on my return home tonight. stupid booking people.

Last thing, I am irritated at Midge's ex. He knows she doesn't want to see him but he is coming into town this weekend. I just don't see why he can't respect her space even if it's hard for him. And we're going out for dinner with him on Saturday and it'll likely be a bit weird. And then just midge and I are going to a concert right after and not inviting anyone else. I don't want to invite anyone else (and will not) but I also don't want peoples feelings hurt. That said they should be considering other people's a bit more I think. Hm, again.

At School

It's funny to see all the previous titles entered by all kinds of people on the public computers. I would have expected them to be programmed to not store that stuff.

I'm just taking a reading break. I was supposed to go to an orientation session in the Art History department earlier but I spent forever at the post office mailing things (definitely feel less stressed now though) and would have been late. I also took a break earlier to buy some more wool and eat japanese food for lunch. I ate a lot of tofu though and am feeling super full.

I've been meaning to mention for days that the air out here at UBC being affected much more than the burns bog fires buring out here that near my home. It's not like the air is smokey or sells like smoke but it's thicker and low. And it's not like fog at all.

I also bought another set of concert tickets today. Next week I will be going to two shows. The New Pornographers and Destroyer on Friday and Architecture In Helsinki and Wolf Parade on Saturday. All with Midge of course. Titania is coming on friday too though. Actually next week in super busy in genereal with lots of activity and social stuff.

This Saturday I'm going to a clothing exchange at Miranda's and hopefully getting my hair done. Other than that I have a bunch of cleaning Titania and I are trying to get done this weekend and much reading. And sleeping. I still sooo tired. I think it might be because I'm getting my period any day now - or at least that contributes to it.

Must get back to reading and then I am going to do some crafting until my lecture.

down and to go

Tomorrow I am mailing three items and it will make me feel good about getting some things done that should have been done a while ago. This weekend I have to do laundry, do some cleaning and lots of reading. I have lots of time to myself to do it so that's really good.

Right now I really want to wank. However, the problem is that it is early so Titania is still awake and reading. I want to sleep early to try to catch up on my rest because my quality of sleep has been low and not restful at all. But I really want to feel an orgasm waving through my body. Maybe I should close the curtain separating my room from the living room and turn the fan on to create some covering noise. A shower is the other solutio but I'm not into that at all. Next week midge will be here as well so there'll be even less wanking chances.

oh, Titania's light went off. Tomorrow is my first very long day at school. I start at nine and finish 12 hours later. I have a really long break that I could come home for but instead I will stay on campus do reading, go to an orientation session, go talk to someone in the exchange office, buy some supplies I need, crochet. I might go off campus for an early but good dinner. I've been feeling like eating pasta at a restaurant recently. With a caesar salad. and red wine. I should probably skip the wine though because I will have to go back for lectures.

Today I noticed two girls from one of my tuesday lectures are in another one of my lectures and one of them is one of the people I talked to yesterday. I didn't talk to her today though because I noticed her sitting far from me and I have to leave quickly for my next leccture. Friday maybe.

Off I go to turn off the fan and read about people having sex. It's the closest I can get right now,

A Warm Room

I'm tired again and I'm just about to fall alseep. I'm feeling a bit stressed about a few things. One is mailing something out to one of my Dad's clients. It's all ready and on the floor I just have to take it to the post office. But I told the person I mailed it and now they're calling me but I'm avoiding the calls. I also have a craft thing I must mail this weekend.

But the major thing is work. They called today but I missed the call. I also didn't call them back or check the message. I knwo they're calling to see hwen I'll be in to finish the project but I just don't have an swer. It's something that'll probably take me another 20 hours and I just have no energy or motivation to do it. If I knew what happened this summer was going to I would have never taken the work to begin with. But now I'm stuck and not wanting to do it at all. I will but it's hard.

I talked to three new people today at school which is super because they are really my first conversations. I am in a presentation group with a girl who did a presentation today and I really dislike her style - lots of fumbling and long quotes from the texts. I really like the topic though so at least I've got that. And the for the second presentation I have a great partner.

I know I had more to say but I've got to go to sleep.

Exausted

I am so bloody tired. We went to costco and Safeway tonight and we bought lots of stuff. I am sitting here and can barely keep my eyes open. I am going to go wash my face and heat up some chocolate soy milk and head to bed. I start lectures a bit later tomorrow but I have no idea where the room my first lecture is and I have things to read during my break to be prepared for my afternoon class. If I don't get lots of sleep now I will end up sleeping when I should be reading.

I also need a bigger bag for school and one that is more confortable when I put the strap across my body because if I just hang it over one shoulder my back ends up hurting. So I have a weekend shooping trip mission. Or Friday mission. On Saturday I'm supposed to go to a clothing exchange at Miranda's but I have no clothes to exchange. I thought Chatton would but she wants to sell her clothes which is completely sensible. I'll have to talk to Miranda.

Have I mentioned Midge comes home on Monday? She'll be staying her that night so there will be much talking and dancing. We'll eat veggie burgers and soy ice cream. We'll probably shill a lot too because she'll likely be tired. ok, I've got to go or I'll fall asleep on the couch.

I need it

1. Being all weird about the potential with Midge's return makes me feel like my issue with boys is much bigger than I'm willing to admit. Why can't I actually do something (or even think of really doing something) I so happily think about? And that doesn't only apply to Midge.

2. Porn involving the words "destroy", "fucking up", "tear apart" or similar are not cool. No matter how nice the girls tits are.

3. I like getting emails that say I'm awesome. I'll reply to it tomorrow and link back because he's awesome too.

4. I am trying to get up really early tomorrow so I can have breakfast, put make up on and walk to catch what would be the second bus on my trip rather than taking two buses.

5. I'd really like someone cool and fun to make out and cuddle with. I'm lonely for that kind of attention.

6. My cat has been so sweet and loving lately.

7. I didn't get a bunch of the things done this weekend that I needed too.

Unclothed

I had a really cool day today. I mosaiced a box to hold the small bit of my dad's ashes I am keeping. I'm not sure if I'm happy with it but it looks cool. I'm waiting for my rice to finish before I can eat dinner. I'm hungry and it's one of my favorite dinners to cook.

It's hard to hear Midge (who is coming home in like 8 days) talk about not wanting to come home. It's funny though because it's exactly how I was and still feel like on most of my days. but it still hard not to take it personally. And I'm not but it's kind of like a first, over-emotional feeling even though I know it's not true. She seems to be having much more fun but also having time to feel the pain of goodbyes.

On a differnt note though I think I'm just don't need as much outings as she seems to be having, or Titania likes. I mean one night out a week and school and a few mellow social visits and I feel exhausted. I love my downtime and alone time. I need it to stay in control of myself and my life. It's weird because when some people feel bored I am just content relaxing.

I made muffins last night and they are really good. I made 2 dozen pear and vanilla ones, 1 dozen banana ones, and 1 dozen cranberry banana ones. The people I had over today to craft ate some but there's tons left. At least they're good though.

I'm dealing with something else that's still all in my head and I think it'll stay there a bit more to maybe become a late night insomnia wasting post. We'll see. It's a bit more of the same stuff but with a twist.

Several Days

1. One of my intructors said that people who collect stamps are the kind of people he used to make fun of back when he was an undergrad.

2. A guy in that same lecture has a hat with real seasheels swen onto it.

3. I spend a really nice Wednesday evening hanging out at Mirandas house.

4. I'm naked, in bed, drinking warm vanilla soy milk and waiting for my favorite educational sex show to come on.

5. I have tons of things to do this weekend. They include:
a) baking 12 pear muffins and 12 banana ones.
b) reading at least three more chapters of the Iliad.
c) Get beads and make a necklace.
d) finish another craft gift.
e) file some old emails I printed.
f) prepare my UK course outlines to submit to UBC.
g) host a mosaic workshop where I'll cover a wood box to have a place to keep some of my Dad's ashes.
h) Clean the fridge.
i) Do laundry
j) Sort craft closet again.
l) Clean various other items around the house.

6. I am liking all my lectures so far but a few of them just feel like review work right now. I'm excited about what's to come though.

7. I haven't met anyone yet but it's only been four days. I'm not worried yet.

8. I bought this super soft yarn that's 100% bamboo. who knew? I also bought really cute new shoes today for only $10.00. On Wednesday I go to test bikes and will soon have one in my possesion.

9. I hit my head on a metal coat rack last night and it seriously hurts. No bump or bruise thouch luckily.

10. I feel good but tired. I feel excited too which I am happy about and I hope it sticks around.

Too late

I think I need a girl version of a cum rag to keep beside my bed. I hate getting up after wanking but I also don't like still feeling super wet/gooey from lube in the morning. I think I need to get a different lube. both things really.

I keep having these tiny orgasms. Sometimes that just makes me want to keep going but recently it's plenty. It's just the amount of release needed to use up the immediate sexual need. I don't know if that's good or not. It's not like I wouldn't want to continue if say there was another person here who wanted more, but I just don't feel the need to on my own.

I haven't heard from The Artist about coffee tomorrow but I'm not fussed about it. I do have a three hour lecture in the afternoon and CHatton and I are meeting for brunch. I also have some craft things I seriously need to finish in the next few days. I figure my hour long morning busrides will help for the simple and transportable projects.

I've got to get up and go to the bathroom because my thicghs are sticking together and it's uncomfortable. I also have to sleep. I need to start getting up at 7:00 am on my new schedule. I know I can do it but not if I'm staying up this late all the time.

Recovery

I am so glad Chatton and Metro (what we'll call her boyfriend) came over last night. I ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine I got in the Okanagan by myself while they also got appropriately drunk. It was a really great end to the night.

But it did get crazy at the end. Metro brought up their apparaantly failing sex life as an attempt to get Chatton to talk about it because he figured CHatton and I had discussed it. He was wrong though and she got very mad and defensive and left. I chased after her and got her to calm down and then she went home. I returned to my flat and Metro wouldn't leave. Instead I talked to him in an attempt to explain where Chatton might be coming from. I also had CHatton on the phone and was trying to get them to communicate through me. I divulged thing about myself as well in an attempt to get them to talk. After about one hour and another beer Metro left and returned to Chatton.

It was weird but now I like Metro all that much more which is good considering only 3 months ago I didn't like him at all. Chatton and I connected on another level and she now understands my main issue with guys and seems eager to help, which is good.

Today they asked me to come with them to a BMX competition. It was the final day and it was good. Afterward Metro went biking and CHatton and I hung out downtown. We talked to our piercer who moved back to the studio we used to get work done an it was great. He filled us in a bit on what had gone on with him since he left there before and we talked about on new place a few blocks from them.

He also said he's starting a referal program where if you give them 5 clients you get a free piercing (If you're in Vancouver and are considering getting pierced let me know!) and said he'd try my nipple again if we did the other one and we'd use a barbell instead of a CBR. We also looked at tattoo portfolios but I'm proabably going to go to the guy who did Chatton and ringlettes work to get the next section of my back done. I'm hoping to do it towards the end of this month.

So I'm feeling better. Things are not good between Titania and I but again she is not around tonight to work it out. I really don't care that she's not spending her nights here as long as she is getting what she wants from the relationship she is apparently not in spending a lot of time with. I am mad for how she handled not coming with me last night and how she said she'd be home and didn't come back.

I will admit to feeling some irrational irritation with her which I will get over. But just syaing you want me to feel better and then leaving is not at all the kind of support I need. Even if she had stayed home and asked if I wanted to go for a walk or something I would have felt 100 times better about it. I need people who can actually be (and want to be) helpful when I need them.

Cancelled

We'll I'm not going. I tried. I got dressed. I put a necklace on. I went into the bathroom with make-up but ended up sitting in there crying for nearly an hour. Irealized all I want is someone to ask me how I am and help me feel better. Titania asked if I was ok and wanted to talk but I said no. I'm mad at her. She's now out, which is funny considering she said she just wanted to stay home tonight when I asked if she still wanted to go to the party.

But I called Chatton because her and her boy were still going because I invited them. We talked a bit and the only reason she wanted to go to the party was to hang out with me so they're now coming here to keep me company.

It's my dad's birthday today. No one knows. My mom's out of town, as is my sister. Titania should know but seems to have forgotten. It feels completely unreal and overwhelming all at the same time. In a way it's like everything is too much all out together. And now, adding the necessity of fighting panic attacks I just feel awful. I thought my books coming would make me feel better but they didn't at all.

Pre-party concerns

Well my hair is all straightened and Titania is home. However, she has a headache and she's not really into going out. On top of that I haven't heard from Chatton yet about whether she's coming. So, basically this all means I actually want to go to the party but I'm super nervous about it and comlpetely not comfortable going on my own.

In itself that's pretty silly because I will know tons of people there. There'll be a lot of people I went to high-school and elementary school with, but I haven't seen many of them for several years. I haven't felt like I wanted to go somewhere I can't ina little while. I recall having a mement or two in England but here it just reminds me of the height of my anxiety when I could hardly go anywhere on my own.

So that's where I am. I think the fact that I haven't seen anyone in so long makes me not want to go by myself even more. It's totally insecure of me.

Plus, my books for UBC haven't been delivered yet and the woman at the courier said she's be in in between 4 and 6 and she knows I'm going out at 8. It kind of makes me worried that something is wrong with my intercom or something. But maybe I won't be going out tonight at all. Who knows. My hair looks great if nothing else.

I also had a thought today that it might make my friends here not feel so great that I want England so bad. That might be arrogant of me though. (Can one be both arrogant and insecure?) But really it's more about no stress and my dad and not having to re-adjust to another school. It's having a fresh start. Like in England when I go somewhere with all new people (nearly always) it was all about making a good impression.

Tonight is different though because I feel like people have an image of me and I have to remake it. I don't know why I have to remake it though. I was kind of friends with a lot of people but not close with very many. I was always a little bit distanced. not enough of one thing to fit perfectly into any group. But Titania's in the shower so maybe that does mean that she's into going. we'll see.

Full of Feelings

1. I feel sad. I feel unenergetic and low. I want to curl up by myself and pretend stuff.

2. I went out with Paris tonight and it was nice. We were both tired though. I admitted that The Artisit was the last person I've had sex with when she asked. I explained (because I felt like a loser) that I only want to sleep with someone when I'm in a relationship and when I'm not really interested in a relationship it's hard. It's been true at time but not recently. I'm really trying to be excited about her party tomorrow night and just staying postive. Last weekend has me a bit concerned.

3. I want to be watching "what not to wear" right now but Titania and her friend are getting ready to go out and I'll feel like more of a loser than I already do. Plus, from what she's told me of the friend I don't think she's a very good or positive person to be around.

4. I feel like the artist asked me for coffee because he was concerned about me. It feels nice. Just before he asked we were talking about how I hadn't gone to work and he said it's good to go out when you feel that way becasue it really does make you feel better.

5. Midge emailed me to a sad comment about her not staying here when she does come back from Japan. It almost feels like one more thing from Europe is gone. That doesn't make too much sense but I'm not sure how else to put it.

6. Lily and Scotsman broke up. I want to give Lily a huge hug and fly her out here or something. MSN chats will have to do though.

7. I bought tickets to The Killers and British Sea Power this morning. 247.00 total for four tickets for me, Titania, Midge and Penny. I'm super excited. BSP are so bloody loved by me.

8. I miss England. Did I mention that yet?

(edited at 10:00 to add: 9. I love the feeling that someone wants to take care of me. I know that people want me to feel better, but that someone is being pro-active about being there is really touching and amazing. I'm sure that's not the Artist's intention after all going for coffee has been a plan since we atarted talking when I was away. However, identifying that feeling in myself is important. I want to be taken care of right now. I want someone to baby me. I want people to ask me how I'm doing and who really want to hear it. I need some personal attention really bad. I want someone to just sit an mope with me for a bit about my things. Another thing I don't know where or if I'll get it. But maybe that's the same as love.
You know, maybe the reason that I feel the need to tell people about my dad is that it gives me a reason to be sad becasue something about missing Europe just isn't enough and hasn't been validated at all by people around me. I'm crying again for like the 6th time this week and it's stressful and exhausting in itself. I feel so stuck and lost right now. At the same time I'm starting to worry that I'd probably ben spending this Friday night alone if I were in England too. I just don't know anything.)

Making Plans

Today Titania's sister and brother and a friend (Penny) came by and we all had dinner and played LIFE together. It was very good. Then I spoke on MSN to The Artist and another old friend who has just returned from several months in France (Let's call her Paris). So now I'm going for drinks with Paris tomorrow, to a house party full of old friends on Saturday, to a show involving Eastern (mutual friend of Midge's and I who was i Europe when I was) on Monday, for coffee with the Artist on Tuesday and then doing something with both Olive and Miranda before Sunday, when I have a craft group session.

I sound like I'm busy and should be happy but I don't really feel that way. I think I want to but I don't know if it's entirely true. I want my text books to be delivered so I can remember what exactly it is that I am doing here. I hope things sort themselves out.

I'm having very mixed feelings about seeing people I haven't seen in years at this house party. They were all people I was good friends with but didn't at all stay in touch with. Here the copyrighting that comes automatically to me.

me: hey, how are you?
then : good, you?
me: good what have you been up to?
then: nothing much, school/work.
me: cool.
then: and you?
me: I've just got back from Europe where I was living (blah blah)
them: something about me being happy to be back/awaiting UBC.
me: not really, I miss England.
them: oh.
And then if it gets worse and the person knew my Dad I'll mention death and it's awful.

I guess I just want to avoid it, but I'm no good at faking it and so I end up being a downer and feeling shitty. I'm kind of stuck in "I don't want to go to UBC, I miss England, I can't understand that my Dad died" mode and I'm comfortable being there. I'm not happy being comfortable but I don't know where I would be if not there.

And then I found out today that Midge is not going to be staying in Vancouver and I'm sad. I mean it's obviously not her problem or anything I expect her to change for me, but I'm just not happy about it to the point of being disappointed and feeling unreasonably let down. I don't know why she's made the decision but I'm sure it's the right one for her I'm just sad.

I feel like I'm a total broken record. I just don't what else to do. I'm hoping my upcoming massive human contact will shake me out of things. But I don't want to be shook out in a way. I do want to be excited about UBC but I don't want to lose my feelings about England or my Dad. And I know in my head that won't happen just by being happier but...

I don't know what the but is. It's there however and I just feel lost. I don't want to have to rebuild my life. It's hard and I just don't want to do it. And I don't want to feel so completely alone while I'm forced to.

The Cast

Here will be a running list of the people in my life. It will be updated as I talk about people and give them names. I may have given other people names at some point but have since forgot them or don't think they'll ever come up again. Let me know if you think there's someone I unjustly left out. I also put some people here I may not have talked about yet but will likely in the future.

Vancouver:
Titania: My flatmate. We've known each other since I was 17.
Blondie: I met her through Midge.
Midge: We met through her cousin who I was friends with in highschool.
Miranda: We met in highschool and don't spend too much time together but we'll always be friends.
Chatton: I've known her since we were little but we only became friends after I had graduated. We have a company together.
Ringlettes: Met her through Chatton. She's living in Halifax right now for Art School.
Farmer: I met him through Midge also.
Penny: Met her at the same time and place as Titania but Titania and her are much older friends.
Paris: We've known each other since we were 8 or 9. Our time together has been on and off but we've had tons of really good times and she is super fun.
Eastern: Met her through midge and she also spent much of the last year in Europe.
Stevie: A new friend who I met through Midge and is also friends with Farmer.
IceHockey: A friend of Midge. I've only met him a few times but he's fun enough.

England:
Lily: The person I become closest to while in England.
Politics Boy: I met him through Lily.
Classclown: A boy from my fun lecture who I never thought I would become friends with.
Paul: Also someone from my fun lecture.
Victoria: My first friend in England. She's from Calgary and was on exchange too.
Striped Coat: The gay boy who drinks and wants to make out with me. Met him though Scotsman.
Dakota: Met her through Scotsman also.

HK Inc:
Heavy: My major boss who is a super great person who communicates as a boss like crap.
Keavy: The other boss.
Olive: My dearest co-worker who is also a great friend.
Regina: My religious co-worker who is nonetheless very sweet.
Sandals: Another co-worker.
Delinquant: Our lab manager who gets paid way more than he should do considering how slack he is.

Family:
Mom: She lives very near to me and we are mostly close.
Dad: Amazing and always with me.
Sister: We have differnt moms and she is in her 30's but we get along swimmingly.
Nephew: My sisters 4 year old son.
Baldy: My moms boyfriend who's live with her for over 10 years.
Neice: Baldy's granddaughter who lives with him and my mom.

Boys:
The Knitter: My current (Spring 06) interest where there is actually growth and potential.
The Artist: We dated for 2.5 years. We don't see each other much but still get along. I don't regret anything about our relationship.
New Years Boy: We made out on new years one year ad I never heard from him. I then found out he told people we slept together. The next year he was at the same new years party I was at but I didn't recognize him.
CRB: Confusing Relationship boy. We met when I was 12 but we've gone long periods of time without seeing each other. We have the most amazing chemistry but I am physically repulsed by him and he is so many things I can't stand in a person. Drama galore.

Insomnia

I technically have to be awake in 2.5 hours. Instead I am awake watching odd/shitty tv. I'm feeling compltely isolated and alone. Like everyone has things going on and all I can do is long for my life as it was 4 months ago.

I'm going to turn the fan on, get the cat and try to keep my eyes closed.

Cable!

We got cable today. I spend most of my day watching it and not going to work. I love TLC and Life. I did clean the house too though. Titania has been spending most of her nights out at her non-boyfriends so I've been getting to watch TV late and wank loudly when I want to.

Tomorrow Titania and I are taking my neice clothes shopping because my mom always ends up arguing with her over what she wants/needs. I kind of want to learn to play my dad's guitar but needs someone exceptionally patient and understanding to teach me. Also many middle aged men kind of freak me out because of various growing up and present experiences so just going to any place isn't really an option. I'm hoping to have a friend recommend something.

I'm a bit scattered. I'm still feeling a bit displaced and I have a feeling that will stick around until I settle in at Uni and my job is actually finished. Not oging in this week has put me behind schedule but I need the time. I don't know exactly what I needed it for but I did need it. My text books are also getting delivered this week and I'm hoping they come on Friday because I'll be around then.

I'm going to go watch some old Law and Order. I could really use some physical comfort these days. I just don't know where or when (or if?) I'm going to find it. I don't feel centered or comfortaable or anything.