Way too long

I'm not going to update that last month really. Just that I've been working a lot and the wedding (plus vintage dress) was awesome. I really only need to come here (even though I'm the only one really) to work things out for myself. When I'm done I'm going to watch "Notting Hill", feel bad about being alone, and then go to bed. Well hopefully I'm just kidding about the second one. I might actually change the movie choice for that reason.

2 weeks ago:

Filmmaker contacted me on Facebook. I ignored. Just like I did about 2 months ago when he did the same.

On Friday:

After work I met Orange and we hung out for a few hours, just talking. Had dinner, wandered around. Looked at shoes. But two things happened, and later I felt sad about them. First, he was quizzing me about various things about my/womens sexual likes. I wouldn't tell him a thing. Partly because we were in public. I wish I could say that the other part was feeling like it was something private, or even being too shy, but that wasn't it at all.

It's that I am feeling more nonsexual these days than I have in a very, very long while. I've wanked maybe 4 times since I moved in the spring. That's not at all an exaggeration (underexageration?). And I will admit that Filmmaker, as my most recent partner) will come to mind sometimes in a sexual way and I just feel uncomfortable with the whole thing and totally put off. He wasn't bad in bed. That's not it. It's something else I haven't figured out. Well maybe I could try to articulate it a bit more but I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't see what positive result can come from it.

But the feeling in general makes me sad. It makes me feel incomplete, and like there's no point in getting involved with anyone (well it fits into the huge basket of things that make me not want to do this).

And then later Orange was trying to get me to do a rap move thing with my arms and I wouldn't. I felt stupid and it was totally out of my comfort zone. And there was music in the skytrain when he walked me there and he wanted me to dance and I totally refused. He told me I had a shell around me and I had to let it go.

And then I felt sad about it. That I'll only dance when I'm by myself, drunk or out of town. But it's not just dancing. Sometimes it's just laughing. Or talking to someone I don't know. And since I don't drink much anymore, and I don't really go "out of town" all this stuff is rare.

But I thought I was doing ok and things were good and moving forward and hopeful. So I feel bad that maybe I've been fooling myself. Then as I've mentioned before, maybe so long ago that it really shouldn't be an issue at all these days, I get sad about one thing, and 30 seconds later I'm sad about my dad. Sometimes I end up so sad it just hurts and I feel totally discouraged. And then I want to get on a plane and magically be able to enjoy my life again without any of this. (Which I completely understand will not happen. I also realize my year in Britain was not without it's tears and loneliness anyways.)

2. Last Nights dream x2

I have been watching a lot of "The Unit" on tv these days so that influenced the scene a lot.

I was in this big crowded building and there were lots of people any everyone was scared and running everywhere trying to escape. There were a lot of "bad guys" running around shooting people. There was also a team of specialist "good guys" ordering people to do things to escape or help. They told me that I had to keep my face hidden from the "bad guys" or I would get shot. I distinctly remember having a white towel that I kept covering my face with while a guy was watching me with a gun. Every once in a while I would peek out but he would be there and I would quickly cover my face back up. Later a woman handed me this thing that looked like a oversize remote control with lots of buttons and told me I had to get it to the "good guys" because they would know how to use it.

(How this can translate into real life: I feel that if I show anyone my true self, I will be hurt in a way I may not recover from.)

Later on everything was different. I was in my old apartment and Filmmaker was there. We seem to have just spend the night together. It was the morning though and I realized that this was a huge mistake. Everything he did or said was irritating, and all I wanted him to do was get out and never talk to me ever again. I was trying to figure out how I thought getting back together might ever be a good idea.

I didn't say anything though. I just curled up in my bed with my head under the covers willing him to leave soon.

(no profound real-life translation here.)

3. 10 am this morning. and later.

I receive an email notifying me that Filmmaker has sent me a facebook message. I feel sick. I call Midge and ask her to read it for me once she gets to work. I text Zebra the following two messages when she askes me "what does he want?"

"Probably to tell me I'm a bitch. And that I never really cared for him, and will never be able to care for anyone more than myself. And that I'm cold" (He said this all to me in the course of over break-up)
"It's no wonder I'm not wanting to be dating these days"

Midge gets back to me. He just wants to talk - nothing mean. He still thinks about me and needs some things resolved. He hopes I'll call him. Midge also says his "status" includes the words "sad" and "heartbroken".

I end up feeling more sick. I'm also working from home, canceling all the weeks spa/salon appointments because it's not ready to open on time. I don't like feeling sick and confused while doing this, but eventually it ends up being the perfect distraction.

4. Now

I don't know if I'm going to call him. I'm worried he's looking to me for answers I can't provide, but he thinks I can. That he'll want more about "why" I ended things, when there isn't more than I already said, no matter how vague it may have seemed to him. On the one hand I feel like he deserves to have the opportunity to talk to me. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have any obligation to him. I explained a lot of things to him back in May and was never dishonest.

I just don't see what talking will accomplish. I personally, have no need to talk to him. I would be doing something I don't want to do because he asked me to and thinks he needs it. And then what if it doesn't settle his thoughts? And in his message he said that he hopes I "can" call him. I can call him, but I don't know if I'm willing to. Completely different things, and he's totally assuming things I might be feeling, which is totally inappropriate.

This didn't help anything. I am now cold and restless.