Sudden

Maybe it was creeping up yesterday but this morning I have been hit with a deep sadness. Over what I'm not exactly sure. Money is likely. Or not being good at what I thought I was good at. I want to stay in my bed and cry today. Instead I must go to work. I know I have at least one client.

Piercing

So after a conversation with Zebra today I tried masturbating for the first time since getting the jewelry and fuck. I mean it was totally different. Like what I had to do and how it felt. So strange. I just don't even know what to say or think. But I had to get up out of bed and post. fuck. seriously.

What's New?

1. Size 12 jeans!!!!! So exciting. In December I was wearing 16's.
2. Black, open toed, patent wedges.
3. Silver purse with a bow.
4. Perfect black cropped cardigan.
5. A new friend via my housemate.
6. Super awesome dark blue hair.
7. a not-sore-at-all genital piercing. It makes me feel powerful.

What's not new? My inability to interact/flirt with guys. ugh. I must work on this. It makes me feel not pretty when I know I do look awesome. Oh, and posting while drunk. girly-juice martinis are good. That's not a metaphor for sex. I'm not allowed sex for 3-4 weeks.

No relief

So I'm back to worrying about money stuff. I had some bank issues, I'm low on supplies and so far this week has been really slow at work. Tomorrow is pretty booked so far though. I'm trying to stay positive.

My late nights and early morning are all about sex. When I'm in bed I am frustrated.

I have been thinking about calling or texting CRB. But then I feel like I should apologize even though I know that I have no reason to do so. It would be nice to go out and be relaxed, but I know I won't feel better about anything if I do that. And chances are he'll be too busy for me. And I feel like I am behaving too much like I want to date him, when I just want to be friends.

And I just want to have sex. Not just but mostly. I kind of regret not staying out with Zebras friend a few weeks back. I feel like I would feel more settled right now if I had. I have nothing to back that up though. And I don't know if the situation arised again if I would actually stay. That's kind of stupid.

On the one hand I just want to get laid and get the energy out. On the other hand I want to date casually and just get to know more people and be out more.

It's possible the best solution is a new sex toy and getting back to the gym, 4 days a week. Break some monotony and release some serious energy.

I am being pretty productive craft-wise though. Lot's of things getting completed and planned. And I am in need of a brazilian but my period has been so crazy it just hasn't been at all posiible in over a month. I'm really hoping this Monday.

Single thinking

I had a very good long weekend. I only had Sunday and Monday, and Monday is normally my day off, but it was still really nice. I had some dreams I wanted to post but I've mostly forgotten them now. I also had some thoughts I was thinking of sharing but the moments have passed because I just can't think of them.

All that seems to be in my head right now is money (worrying about it), clothes (not having much that fits well) and sex (needing to have it). I guess along with sex is dating. Just wanting to figure out how to find people to date. I need to find effective ways of putting myself out there.

I just want to date with the intention of getting to know people and figuring out what I want. In a person and a situation. Or something. I think my need to have sex is confusing things slightly. confusing me slightly. Like I kind of need to sigh deeply and try to focus on something else. restless and spare energy.

Rambling

Work has been busy the last two days. Good for my money stuff, but it's a lot of energy for me. I also wasn't going to the gym at all this week, so I think my energy isn't getting that jump I've been used to. I kinda spent the first part of the week a little depressed.

I did text with CRB a bit on Monday but wasn't in the mood to talk. I'm tired of it really. I thought about him tonight as I was walking to the skytrain and how it would be nice to text him but don't feel like I am welcome to. Like I'm his friend and he misses me, but he isn't actually in a place where he wants to see me enough to make plans. I just don't want to puzzle with that.

Tonight I went out after work with Blondie and friends of hers. It was fun and everyone was nice. I spent more money than I should have but it was still good. Tomorrows tips will have to get me through until Tuesday. And there's barely any food in my house. Carrot soup will probably get made because I have everything to make that.

It would be nice to have someone to come home with sometimes. Not even to spend the evening out with, but just go out with our own friends, meet up late, go back to a house, have sex and fall asleep. With laughter.

That's all I'm got in terms of focus. And I know it's barely anything.

Big sigh

So today I'm sad. And I sent a text message saying it's so. I don't expect a response at all though. I'm half hoping I don't get one. I hope it'll be read with a bit of sadness, followed by a understanding nod or something. I might not be so sad if I understood what happened. Or at least understood a little bit. I don't really know what kind of lesson to take away from this. I really don't want it to be that I shouldn't be open and free of expectations.

I think today I'm also feeling like I was somehow lacking. Maybe it comes to the idea that if something happens over and over to you that you're the problem and not the other people. Even though I know two failed relationships does not make a pattern, especially since pretty much every detail about them was different. I also know that every relationship fails until one succeeds. But I guess this feels more like a failed friendship than a failed relationship and that's harder to deal with. Even if it was a distant friendship most of the time.

I am thrilled to have the day off tomorrow. And an extra day off next weekend. I am also pleased of the housework I did this evening. I feel good about it. Now I just have to get my computer fixed.

pattern?

1. I'm drunk.

2. I danced tonight.

3. I thought about CRB.

4. I did not think about texting CRB.

5. I felt like boys were watching me.

6. They were really watching me and the girls I was with.

7. My fake chicken snack is ready.

8. I feel like toast but am out of bread.

9. I need to get a brazilian done.

10. I have been spotting for nearly two weeks so will not make an fellow co-worker touch my vaginal area in order to get said Brazilian.

11. I can not to go bed until I drink a whole glass of water.

12. I have already had two tylenol.

13. I have a complicated client at 11:00 am and I need to open the spa at 9:00 am.

14. Part of me wanted to stay out later.

15. Part of me wanted to dance with strange boys.

16. And leave suddenly with a hand on their chest and a quick kiss.

17. Instead I danced like a go-go dancer.

18. I danced with a drunk walk and arm raises.

19. I wore heels tonight.

20. My feet don't hurt but where the ankles straps were does.

21. I'm sure my feet will hurt tomorrow.

22. I ate really good guacamole tonight. With good chips.

23. I think I need to set a dating goal. Like one date every two weeks.

24. I have to figure out how to get dates first though.

25. But I think I made some real and awesome friends tonight. That is super good.

26. This entire night was funded by two days worth of tips.

27. I am glad I didn't quit my job for a boring by high paying one.

28. I must go. typing is not allowing me to drink my necessary water.

Unsent Letter

CRB,

Fuck you and your fucking meaningless texts. I don't care that we're not dating or fucking. I don't accept this sort of confusing/rude behaviour from any of my friends and I am not going to start making exceptions for you. I am mad that I let myself be open to you. I am mad that I miss you. I am mad that you made me want to be happier again. I am mad that being with you made me want to have sex.

If you didn't want to see me anymore I was perfectly fine accepting that. We're really different people and that's fine. I just don't understand anything and I don't feel like you're being the least bit honest with me. Your behaviour and words aren't consistant over time or even at the same time.

I guess I was wrong in thinking that you had grown up or that you were worth the work. I was so willing to really be present and open with you with very little expectations. It's so unfortunate that my expectation of being treated with respect is apparently too much for you.

You were so concerned about "fucking this up" but you have. I am so sorry it is turning out this way. I am really disappointed. Not in you, but just in things. I feel really let down by someone I really honestly wanted and enjoyed in my life.

New Messages

It's been just over three weeks since I asked CBR to go for coffee and he said he was busy but would let me know when he had time.

I wanted to text him so that it wasn't as if we were not talking because I didn't want to and so he knew I did want to talk to him.

But then today I got a text saying nothing more than that he missed me.

I responded that there was no need to miss me and that we were supposed to be friends. He said for me to name the place and time and he'd be there. I said I was waiting for him to let me know when he was available because he's busier than me these days.

I haven't heard back. But if he wanted me to go out tonight I hate to admit that I would be dressed and walking to the skytrain in no time at all. And very happy to be doing so.

Hunger

I'm getting weighed and measured on Wednesday. I really want to see another round of good results because I have been working pretty hard, but I've also had some not great eating moments. I also tried to skip my period by stacking birth control packs to avoid the chocolate cravings and bloating (and cramps) so they didn't affect my weigh in.

But I am still eating like mad. I am eating in place of sex. And I want a lot of sex. Badly. I guess I'm just constantly wanting something in my mouth. I'll be spending a good hour and a half at the gym tomorrow and Tuesday to make up for it too. Maybe that will even help with the excess sexual energy. I need something to help.

I think having a hint of something with CRB got me more frustrated than I already was. And part of it because I just don't really understand what happened. Like I didn't need a commited relationship. And he was asking to hang out more than I was. I was just accepting of the requests. But then he leaves saying he wants to be single, and doesn't want to confuse things by having sex. Just seems like a lack of honesty on his part. Especially because I haven't heard from him in nearly three weeks now.

I might go to the library tomorrow. I have the day off, but I need to open and close at work and I have training in the evening. I also have no money so I can't go shopping. I kind of want to get my nipple pierced. Try it again (on the other side though) with a bar bell. I really can't afford it though. I can't really afford anything right now. hmmm. Maybe it'll be sunny out and I can hang out on the beach for a bit.

sort-of-drunk

1. I bought a yellow dress (lingerie really) and wore it out tonight and I really like it.

2. I drank more than my level of drunkeness shows.

3. I wasn't nearly as social as I wanted to be tonight.

4. I'm worried that no matter how skinny I get I'll never be as pretty as I feel I need to be.

5. I wanted to text CBR but I did not, and for that I am proud.

6. My texts to Zebra weren't working.

7. It was nice on Zebra's birthday to not go out with a guy, but then meet one and have someone to sleep with overnight.

8. It was really nice to have the attention I did last weekend.

9. I have the hiccups from eating my tofu snacks too fast.

10. I really wanted to dance tonight. The dj was decent but there was no where to actually dance.

Browsing

Well I was supposed to go to HK Inc. today but I'm not going to. Instead I had a bath, played on the internet, watched TV, made a big batch of oatmeal and fruit. I think I might even have a nap.

I do have an appointment with my trainer at 4:00 so I will have to go out eventually. I also wanted to sew today but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I will go buy some groceries though.

And one of the things I wanted to post yesterday came back to me. That was that I was thinking about taking my flask out with me on Friday night. Mostly because I am super broke and can't afford to eat and drink as much as I would like to. I even have vodka in the fridge already. I would have to actually find my flask though. I haven't used it in a long time. And I don't really want to start unpacking boxes for it.

I also spent a long while looking at the craigslist personals. None of the dating ones though. Just the platonics and casual ones. There's a high number of guys who want to eat pussy and an equally high number of people who want to spank women. Then there's the one guy who really wants to do both and doesn't want anything in reciprocation. He posts every day or two.

But I'm not going that route. I'm taking the more traditional route for now. Even if it is just for sex. I think it's important for me to be going out more and doing things I like to do. Dating or not dating.

That said my roommate and I (I can't remember if I gave her a name already...) decided we will start playing tennis in Central Park when it stays light later. We think that'll be a good place to meet guys. Even though neither of us really hate being single.

Forgotten

I had something interesting to post this morning so I brought my laptop to work. But I kept myself busy all day even though I only had two clients and didn't write it. Now I have no idea what it was all about.

Anyway, today I spent time thinking about being disappointed that I haven't heard from CRB in a week. I'm not disappointed in him and I'm not taking it personally. I'm just generally disappointed. I didn't have any real expectations, but I was actually interested in seeing where things went. This wasn't a worst-case-senario result, but it's not good.

But Zebra would repeat to me that it's for the best, he wasn't good enough, and I am deserving of someone way better.

The next two weeks I have plans to go out. This Friday is a co-workers birthday and next Thursday is a night out with Blondie. And it's not about meeting guys. It's about happily going out and looking cute. And feeling fun and open.

On to other things.

I get weighed and measured next week and I'm a little nervous that there's not going to be a huge difference. My eating habits haven't been that great and have involved my processed comfort foods too often. I am spending extra time at the gym and trying to eat better in an effort to "cram" a bit.

Finally, work is happy, but I'm still broke. I'm not that sure when I'll be bale to catch up. It's my phone bill and my gym membership that's killing me. I know I have to have a detailed look at my phone bill and see if I can midify my plan or my habits to make it cheaper. I really don't think it needs to be over $50.00 a month. The gym bill I can't help (and I LOVE having it) but I know that it will go way down in January of 2009, and hopefully I'll be making more money by then.

I better be. Actually, if I'm not making enough to be paying down my debts by September or October, I will need to contemplate changing jobs again. I really hope it doesn't come to that though.

ok, this is boring now and really just for me. One last thing. I think I'm going to stop using my vibrator for a little while and see how that affects my wanking/orgasm issues. More details on that after some actual experimentation. RIght now it's only an idea.

Another blog

One of the many blogs I read recently asked its readers to email a favorite post of their to their male friends and spread the work of their blog. I chose not to go that route but I suggest anyone who is reading my blog go and check the out.

Here's a tiny bit of the post I picked:

I sober up immediately. I get up. I take her hand. I walk across the club, feeling the eyes of every one of my workmates on me. I look back, fighting down a gormless smile.

And then I stop, in the middle of the club. Right on the uncarpeted, 50p piece-shaped bit. And I turn round. And I look into her eyes. And I smile.

And then I dance.


Here's the rest. Enjoy!

I had the day off today. It's nice. I went running in Central Park this morning and am cleaning my room. A lot of organization more than cleaning really. I have three major things left to do before I'm really done for the day.

I spent most of Saturday feeling really shocked by myself for kissing that guy on Friday night. Not in a bad way, but not like in a proud way either. Just thinking about how it was so easy. I know I was drunk but there was no agonizing, no nerves, no panic about meaning.

I was dancing in the afterhours and it was the closest to feeling like Britain in a long time. The being so comfortable in my skin, the dancing, the good music. The talking to people like I'm happy and open as opposed to burdened and neurotic. I guess I just felt like this most of the night, but the dancing was the best.

So I have to figure out how to keep that in my everyday world. Not just in my drunk one. And I really can't afford to do that all the time, for my wallet and my health. Another thing I need a strategy for.

I know one of my things in Britain was to not turn down invites. I think I have to start that here. And this dancing and kissing boys is good, I just have to do it with available ones, and not rely on my tits so much.

(oh, I haven't heard from CRB in about a week. Zebra thinks it's good. I initiated the last contact so things are up to him this time. I picked up his sweater today. It still smelled like him.)

Press Rewind

I'm at work now and I'm happy here. I'm moslty settled on that front. I'm broke but it will get better.

I slept at Zebras last night. We got a ride to her house at 4:30 am and had to walk the dog.

We danced to fun 60's stuff at an afterhours club in the downtown eastside. I jumped on beercans.

(Pause. I could have stayed at the afterhours later and gotten myself some sex, but Zebra was leaving and I wasn't comfortable staying without her. I knew I was safe with the guy but I was really drunk and most everyone was doing coke so I figured it was best to end the night there. Plus he has a girlfriend and wasn't sure what their situation was, but now I know it's pretty open, Zebra is friends with her. oh, and we kissed. Seriously.)

We got to 340 just in time for a double and china whites at last call. We stayed there after closing and befriended a guy with good eyebrows and some girl I gave my card to.

(Pause. Later at the afterhours I asked if she had a home to go to and her answer was "I have a husband but I'm looking for a bit of coke for the ride home". I told her I couldn't help. Also, on the way to 340 Zebra and I decided to start a monthly super awesome dance night. I'm serious this time too.)

The sex-possibility bought Zebra and I all our drinks at the Morrissey. Lots of vodka and a round of china whites. (I love doing shots apparently.) The we hung out with this girl who Zebra knows from 340 and Her gay friend. Of course him and I got along super well.

(Pause. There was very liberal tit staring and even a bit of touching started here. I was totally encouraging it too. The attention was good. The being out was good.)

Zebra and I drank two pitchers of Sangria at Subeez. And ate yam fries. Her friend (the possibilty) met up with us there. I'd met him just a few weeks ago at her birthday but we didn't really talk other than introductions.

Zebra called me telling me even though she thought she had to work last night she actually didn't and I should come meet her.

I spent the day at work with clients and playing with some new products on myself. I also re-organized my product. I didn't have time to rebleach my hair.

Crazy makers

1. I am still so confused about work. I know I haven't really gone into it here, but it's a major problem.

2. I can't make outgoing phone calls because I haven't paid my phone bill in two months. Luckily I can still text though.

3. Even though I get two pay cheques on Friday I still can't afford to pay my phone bill.

4. My mind will not stop thinking about anything. everything. both things.

5. I'm getting weighed and measured in two weeks. It makes me want to do cardio every day and only eat protein shakes, salads and baked tofu.

6. I'm pre-menstrual which means I want to be chewing on something constantly. Especially good if it's something sweet.

7. Eating sweet things makes me want to eat salty things. The opposite is also true.

8. Being pre-menstrual also makes me want to fuck a lot. The vividness of this mornings dream is still with me.

9. I didn't do anything to clean my room today. And even made a bigger mess by setting my sewing machine up on the floor to hem pants.

10. I didn't craft today. I contemplated sewing but doing it on my floor is not good for my back.

11. Working with my trainer today was awesome and I'm really going to miss having her once I've used all my sessions.

12. I'm going to a big dinner/dance party next Friday with a load of people I don't know. I wish I had money to get some new clothes.

13. I'm also worried about going and getting drunk or feeling insecure, or not being outgoing enough, or bailing entirely and only staying for dinner.

14. I want to dance. I have all this energy and I don't know where it came from or where it's going to go.

15. I am not letting myself be sick. I am in refuse to really acknowledge that I might have a cold because I simply don't have time for one.

16. There's a concert next week I really want to go to but I can't for a host of frustrating reasons.

17. I want to spend a day hanging out and taking pictures and dancing and laughing and just being silly.

ok, I might be done now. Despite all of this I don't feel the least bit depressed or down or whatever. I am beyond energized and hope getting some of this out will make it easier to sleep. When really I want to go play on swings or something. And be loud. but fun loud.

Frustration continues

Last night I was dreaming about being out with CRB. We went to this weird cafe with a stage and were watching the opening act. It was kids and it was funny and slightly inappropriate, but awesome. They were wearing all blue and there were jokes about sheep and singing. And they kept laughing so everyone else was laughing.

Then I find myself waking up in the dream at the same cafe, but with a different band playing and I'm lying down in this balcony type area. I realize CRB isn't with me and I start to worry he's left. SO I grab my phone (a hybrid with my nintendo DS!) to see what time it is, if he's texted me but there's nothing.

Then I go into a back room, which is apparently my bedroom. I can hear someone breathing and it's him under the blankets, as if he's hiding. He's actually sleeping. I get in the bed and he notices and we start making out like crazy. Then he decides to go down on me (a first if this were real life).

Just as it's starting get really my alarm goes off. I wake up smiling but just as frustrated I was when I fell asleep. and I even had an orgasm before I fell asleep. My life is in need of a lot of solutions right now. some more serious than others, some more fun than others. I still need them.

sex sex and no sex

First, I want to replace my profile picture but I'm not sure what to replace it with. I'm sad my old one disappeared but it wouldn't have matched the new colour scheme anyways.

I was going to post some stuff from a chat with midge because I didn't want to re-write it, but I don't know how to copy and paste or something and I lost the chat.

Basically, I went to the gym after work, and then had a mocha protein shake so I'm super energetic. She suggested having several orgasms in a row until the energy was spent.

But I'm lazy. Like so not enthusiastic about masturbating. My sex drive and want for sex and an orgasm is high, but actually doing it myself? boring. I'd be more than happy doing it for someone else and having them doing it for me but that's not happening.

I also think this is an issue: I have a toy which is pretty similar to the one it replaced, but it's not quite the same and not as good. And I want the other one. But it's on the list of things I need $100.00 to do, and considering my list of things I need $20.00 to do isn't being fulfilled, the $100.00 list has a long wait.

Nothing else really to report. Actually, I didn't watch tv today and I did get a tiny bit of the stuff I needed done in my room done. But I did spend most of the night chatting and reading stuff online.

Time for some chocolate and the big warm lonely bed.

Picking Up

I got my phone back today. But if I don't pay my bill soon that might not actually matter. I also went back to the trade show and had some good conversations and felt more positive about things in general. I'm still unsure about my financial position though.

I also have to start being more productive. Like finishing craft projects, and keeping my room clean, and just not watching three hours a night on the internet and tv. I need a bit of an action plan for this. Both a list of craft priorities and some serious stragties.

What else tonight? I ate the most nutritionally void dinner, but the rest of my day was good so I'm not going to be that hard on myself. I also have plans to go to the gym tomorrow. I really need a new sports bra too - just a second one to throw into rotation.

And I am not getting sick. really.

Variations

1. I lost the key for my work. It made me feel awful and useless.

2. I left my cell phone at my sisters house tonight. I can't really do anything about it until the morning though.

3. I've thinking of making a huge life change. I'm still not 100% committed to it though and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I don't trust my instincts these days.

4. It's depressing to not have either time or money. Shouldn't working a lot lead to having more money?

5. I'm still running the idea by a few people. Maybe I'm just looking for permission to be 26 and changing my mind.

6. I have these times where I feel great and self-confident and then it comes crashing down while having a drink at Earls.

7. I went to a spa tradeshow today and I wanted it to be lovely and inspring. It wasn't and I felt even more confused.

8. CRB left a sweater here. Last week I threw it into my closet. As I was looking for a purse I picked it up and smelled it. It made me feel warm for one tiny second.

9. I think I might be getting a cold. It's the stress though. My mind is tired. My heart is tired.

10. I laugh a lot when I'm out at my sisters. And I didn't cry today when we talked about my life. It was good.

pessimist math

70% dark chocolate + cold water + ativan = my attempts to erase this day and not let it continue any longer.

things I did...

in England that I don't do here (anymore, regularly, and/or with pleasure):

1. Go dancing
2. Go to movies
3. Go to live shows
4. Take pictures
5. Go on day trips


I'm going to try starting them. Seriously.

rough

Today I was sad and irritable and I only had one client at work. Which means I sat around all day and made hardly any money at all. I am feeling very sad tonight and really disappointed I didn't hear from CRB.

And I feel scared. Of a lot of things. Perhaps everything. That I won't be able to give myself what I really want when I do figure out what I want. That I'll never let myself be happy. That I'll never feel truly sucessful. That I'll disappoint those around me. That in 10 years I'll be in this exact same place.

But now I'm frustrated. I know that this does not have to be my life. But I also know I can't get back the life I want. I know that I have to start a new one. But I've said that before and I've tried that before. And look where I still am.

fuck fuck fuck. This is not going to be the fancy little pity party it sounds like.

Mixed Emotions

More drama over the weekend. I got super drunk for Zebras birthday on Friday. I don't really feel like re-capping it all. Then On Sunday night CRB came over and it sucked. Monday morning and last night turned into this "big discussion".

Where I thought there were no expectations and that things were naturally heading into a romantic direction I find that is not the case for CRB. He does not want to be dating anyone right now. He does however want to build a relationship with me that is open. This is where I got confused. And I don't feel like it all happened intentionally.

I guess the bottom line is he doesn't want to lose me from his life, he isn't in a position to be in a relationship, he's worried that I will either get too attached if we have sex, or that I will withdraw if we're just friends. That's what I got out of it at least. I'm not sure if a serious relationship is a possibility for the future anymore.

On my side, I'm fine with it all. Fucking or dating him was not at all the only thing I was after. I'm happy being friends. I guess I just can't have someone staying over at my house who is affectionate half the time and the exact opposite the rest. It's confusing to me. So I said no more sleeping over. Not that I don't want it or can't handle it but I think we're in a position where clear boundries are necessary.

And I think that's because we do have this past. I'm comfortable with him. That makes it really easy for me to slip into acting like we're in a relationship. Almost out of habit rather than sincere immediate want. Plus I want to fuck someone and having a warm body in my bed just doesn't help that. Especially when the comfort level is so high. It's confusing for my vag - not my head or heart.

And we both worry about the fragility of our relationship (this word is a huge source of confusion I think) and don't want something small to be misunderstood and end things again. But last night I was saying that I think it has these incredibly strong parts to it. And we need to focus on that and take comfort in them.

When we finished our phone call last night I quickly called back and said that I wanted him to know I was in a happy place these days. And not because I thought we were getting into a relationship or because of the idea of sex with him, but just because. I was enjoying spending time with him and I felt a sense of ease since having him back around.

He then told me he had told his ex that he was the happiest he'd been in months. He wanted me to know that too. And I don't think that we owe that just to each other. I think he's been reconnecting with his friends and what he likes about his life. And I think it's the same for me in some ways.

(This is really hard and makes me cry super quickly and with a huge feeling of loss.)

I've been going to movies and loving them. I'm having these moments of openness I relate really heavily to England. And that's hard. In the middle of them it's exciting, but when I reflect upon them later there's something really scary about it. And really sad. So this morning I think my sadness and my quietness is related to that.

A confusion about where my life is and the fear of not being upset or worried about about it. And it's money as always, and it's the fact that there is no boy excitement anymore. Trying to be hopeful when I'm not sure there's a reason for having that hope. In englaznd I had this odd belief that things were going to be great. Just because they were. Not becasue I had any past proof, just because my world was great.

Here I don't have that. I have this past full of confusion and worry and distress that makes believing things will be good just because they can be feel impossible.

This is all very disconnected. And not really about CRB at all. Although I think he brings somethng out in me that I'm not used to and I don't know if it has a place in my world here. I think it has a place in my world I'm just not sure it's this one even thoguh it's really the only one I have.

(ps. I'm ignoring all the stress I could be having about work and money because that's too much about my real material world, and right now I am completely overwhelmed by the state of my emotional being.)

24 hours

Yesterday I was hanging out with Zebra and CRb asked if I wanted to do something that night. I asked if he wanted to go out or my place and my place was the answer. I said I needed about 2 more hours with Zebra.

Later he texted me and told me he was on his way. An hour later no sign of him so I sent the first of two unanswered texts. An hour after that I tried calling. I wasn't sure what was going on (if he was coming or not) but I got no answer. Another 15 minutes after that I called again.

He answered and we had a conversation. He was still with his friend, and wasn't sure what was going on. I expressed my irritation on confusion. He apologized and showed stress about said friend and the frustration of not really having a home and the troubles with finding one. He also said something about the fragility of "us". I hung up saying I wasn't going to stay mad but I was disappointed and he owed me something very nice.

I slept with a sweater he left here. It smelled like him. I took deep breaths.

At work today I called him after my first client to see how the rest of his night went. I think I was secretly hoping for a bit more (sober) remorse. Just a small sentence even. Instead I got excitement about this place he might get and how he had fun and got really drunk with his friends the night before.

I hung up and felt stupid and ignored and unimportant. I don't expect to be his top priority but I was upset. I bought two magazines (Nylon and Lucky) and had two more clients. When I checked my messages after my clients he had called. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to do something with him. I was still upset and told him that I wasn't sure because I still wasn't impressed with his behaviour of the night before. I said I'd look and see what movies were playing and I'd call him back when I knew when I'd be done work.

I ended up saying yes to a movie (Jumper) and he met me at work with the perfect hot chocolate (half sweet, soy, no whip). I was a bit irritated the whole night and we talked a bit before the movies as we grabbed something small to eat. After the movie I knew he had plans so we sat down and talked a bit more.

We discussed: caring, differences, stress, priorites, compromises, life styles, attention.

We left with a kiss and walked in different directions. He told me to call him when I got home. I left feeling much better. Smiling even.

When I got home I called him. He wanted to come over and I said he still could. So he's just finishing his beer and coming over. I'm really hoping to not be disappointed again, and told him if I was then this thing we're trying was done for another three years, and in three years I wouldn't try again.

We'll see. I'm showered and moisturized and in black lace underwear and a black tank top. He'd be silly not to want to come over.

Tired Mind

I am on only about 1 and a half hours of sleep. I was full of energy this morning and up until I started to get really bored at around 1:00. I only have one client today at 4:30 so until then I just sit. I did have to go to the bank, and then went to futureshop, but overall lots of boredom. That starts me thinking, which makes me more neurotic and self-doubting.

Which comes back to why I slept so little. CRB came over last night very late. He had to stay almost an hour late at work so I stayed awake doing my best not to fall asleep. But then once he was over (1:30 am?) I couldn't fall alseep. We talked and looked at pictures. Getting more and more physically close as things went.

I slept in less than I though I'd feel comfotable in, but more than I'd usually sleep in. And I wasn't the least bit uncomfortable. There was no sex but there was kissing. It was good. Not just the kissing, the whole thing.

As of yesterday morning I just feel different. Less stressed, less neurotic, more open, more optimistic. I think it has to do with seeing how sad I was when I was 13, but also with how calm I'm feeling about things with CRB. Like I know he's not perfect, and I know he's different than before in really good ways. But I also know that I have to rebuild with him even though our chemistry is still super intense. We have to build from where we are now, and not where we were 14 years ago.

revisiting

Excepts from the Diary I started January 15th 1995. I had just turned 13 years old. This starts from the first mention of CRB. Is it totally weird it's like the same month as now?

Also, please note that I can totally see sever depression symptoms all over the place here. Lots of regret and guilt and shit way heavier than I should have felt at 13.

Feb 19th 1995: I actually have a really dark secret! I want CRB to ask me out or tell me he likes me or something like that. It's not a crush, it's more like I really like him as a friend and would really like it if it was more but nobody will know that, not even when we play truth or dare.

March 10th: Fuck did he scare me. He jumped on my back and yelled "piggy back" in the hallway. Like fuck he knows I freak out when people do things like that to me.

March 11th: Mom said she wanted to meet CRB so I argued and argued but she wanted to meet him so she said he should come for dinner one night. I said she would only meet him if I had a party, so she said ok and now I'm having a party. Just a small one.

March 21st: CRB and I talked for a while on Monday and he said he'd call back when he got home but he forgot. Now I'm at Baldies (my step-dad) so he can't call me anyways. Unless he calls my dad and he tells him I'm here. CRB has enough intelligence to figure out what phone number it is because I know he has it.

Mach 31st: I told [two friends] about CRB. I almost regret it. Like I don't want to call him and talk to him cause they'll bug me and that will ruin everything.

April 3rd: I feel better about telling them now. I'm pretty sure they won't say anything. My crush (I'll just call it that) hasn't ruined CRB and mines friendship. That's good because I really don't want it to.


April 22nd: [my best friend at the time] asked CRB why he doesn't ask me out and he said he might but we're too good of friends. After hearing that my crush is pretty much gone but I still feel the best when I'm with him.

April 26th: ...and I'm almost over CRB.

May 21st: I'm so confused about CRB. I like him but I'm not sure if I'd go out with him or not. He likes me (he told [best friend]) but won't tell me or do anything about it. I think I should just get over it but it's hard. He's so sweet and nice so I can't get over it. Besides everybody that knows says we're so good together. I just have to think about it longer.

May 23rd: I said something really mean today but I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't thinking straight and didn't mean it. CRB was bothering [friend] so she said I wouldn't go out with him if he didn't so. Without thinking I said that I wouldn't go out with him anyways. Now I really regret it. At least I think I do.

July 6th: CRB and I still aren't going out. [best friend] and I are still BFF but not on very good terms. She doesn't want CRB and I together becasue she's jealous of our friendship.

July 17th: I think I like CRB lots.

August 10th: [best friend] and I are so glad I didn't go out with CRB. He's such and asshole and I truly mean it. I'd tell him if he'd every call me. He told her I'm his best friend but he always ignores me. [Insert story about step bothers best friend touching my tits at our cabin.] I don't know if CRB knows or what he thinks. I gave a letter to him about it and I don't know if he's read it. I also asked him out in it... I totally take it back now.

August 15th: CRB was such a waste of love, but it wasn't true love.

(In September I started grade 8 at a new school, a different one than CRB.)

November 29th: I will never be able to...or watch a movie with CRB and feel the same ever again no matter how hard we try and I hate that feeling. [insert depress teen angst] I long to see CRB and do everything we did. If CRB hurt me so much why can't I forget? [more angst] WHy did we split up? It was perfect, we were perfect. I'm not even his friend anymore. Why? Why did he have to not phone me, why did he flirt with [best friend] on the 8th, why didn't I ask him, why did he like me, why did he care, why couldn't I say something, why won't I forget?

November 30th: (This is in response to a note from best friend about why I thought me and CRB weren't friends anymore) You might want to let him know I'll be there tomorrow because if he doesn't want to see me (I miss him and want to see him) I'll leave early so he won't have to.

December 2nd: After seeing CRB the other day I made a very important decision. I have to put him behind me in every way. I want to be his friend but every time we become good friends more happens but not enough does. And as much as I believe what happens does, I know I just can't go out with him and in my mind the only way to keep those feelings away is by staying away from him. It hurts to say this so extremely much because I loved him a lot and miss him so much. I realize I'm trowing away a lot but I don't know what else to do.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 22nd: Only one person has ever been able to make me laugh enough to get me out of this but I can't depend on that anymore. I let him go and now I have to deal with it.

on a piece of paper glued in the diary date November 20th: I'm glad CRB is or at least was happy. I miss his friendship but at least we're still in touch.

January 1st 1996: I miss CRB with all my heart and wonder over and over what went wrong. I can't fix it now though. Only wonder if he still remembers me or for that matter wants to.

January ?: [Best friend] was over this weekend and CRB asked her out knowing I was sitting right there. I'm really mad because that was really disrespectful like after everything he asked her out in front of me? I'm not jealous I'm just mad that he'd do that and still expect me to be his friend. I want to have nothing to do with him.

May 30th:[best friend] says CRB's been asking about me lately. I feel kind of bad but...

June 18th: CRB should be out of my thoughts but [best friend's] party is making me uneasy about everything.

June 19th: (this was personal messages for each of the significant people in my mind) CRB: What can I say? Long time no see? Sigh..is that good or bad. You'll be in my heart forever.

June 23rd: I saw CRB, but we barely talked, 3 or 4 sentences traveled between us. But later I got sad. [miranda!] and CRB like each other...That's not really what I'm sad about though...It's mostly that we aren't friends anymore. We were like BF before and we could tell each other almost anything but now it's all gone and I hate it cause I miss him so much. I'm not mad and I don't want him all for myself but he even said he was better friends with Miranda than me. That made it final and me really sad.

July 2nd: CRB's off my mind, well actually just put into a file in the back of it. (I also mention in this entry that I want to be a make-up artist.)

July 12th:I talked to CRB on the phone but he and Miranda have been talking all week and it was a pretty boring conversation.

July 24th: I finally figured out what I'd do if I could relive last summer: Went as far as I really wanted with [step brothers friend] and asked CRB out before my party and we would have went out.

I'm going to be done this for now. I have actually really enjoyed it. Some things were sad and some were funny. I feel like it has encouraged me to let things go and relax.

There is more in the diary though. The next 3 pages are all about my week that I actually dated him and the best friend stopped talking to me.

Saturday Night

1. I have not finished my moms gifts.

2. I downloaded the new Hawksley Workman album and LOVE at least 3 songs on first listen.

3. I bought a new purse, a new bra and 12 pairs of underwear today.

4. I am now sorting my underwear drawer to make room for the new ones.

5. I have a sublist of things I want to ask/tell CRB:

a. Do you know that once your mom asked me if I'd marry you? She said I was a good influence.

b. I know you think that we would have been together for a few years at least if we have actually gotten together at 12 years old. Do you still really think that now?

c. I want to be happier and more relaxed and more outgoing, but I'm terrified of it.

d. Do you think that if you met me for the first time we would even have started talking to each other? Does that matter to you?

pause

Today I went to the gym and it was way harder than normal. We figured out I was pretty dehydrated and I had to actually sit down twice to kind of regain my focus. I know I haven't been drinking much water and my diet hasn't been as good, but I didn't expect that at all.

It was a short day at work and had a hint of getting some money but then it hasn't arrived in my bank account yet. I had these fun ideas of getting some super cute bra and underwear sets but that was not realized. I'm way more boring and depressed when I'm broke.

I also have 2 huge crafts to finish for my mom by Sunday for her birthday but I'm totally procrastinating. I'm feeling a bit tired or something. As I typed that I yawned. I have to stay up and finish some laundry though. oh, and I meant to se if anything interesting was going on around town on Monday for a date.

That's all I've got.

Shrinking

One of my favorite skirts was always just on the small side. Today I wore it and it's too big. It's half exciting and half sad. I love this skirt, but it is too long and kind of frumpy now.

Last night I was awoke by a phone call just after midnight. CRB (is this still an appropriate name?) had a rough day and just wanted to hear my voice. He felt bad for waking me up and we only talked for a few minutes. Then we started text messaging and it continued until a bit after 3:30 am. A text every 15 or 20 minutes. I would sleep in between them.

It was pretty much all about sex but I feel I can't share it. We were talking on Tuesday about how "of course I tell my friends about you and some of our conversations" but he said he didn't at all, and was kind of shocked that I did. I guess it's safe to say that he wants to fuck me. That's nearly a direct quote. but he also may have sort of revealed a bit of insecurity about if I'm really interested in that way.

When I think about it I totally am. However, it's not going to be just as simple as fucking when we get some time alone. We've not even kissed yet. (But he wanted to the other night, but wasn't sure if it'd be ok with me. I told him I'm pretty sure it would have been.) I don't think we're going to have a chance to see each other again before Monday so for now hopefully just thinking about it will make me more relaxed about actually doing it.

To an extent I feel like things are in limbo right now so if I said I wanted to back off and not go in this dating direction now he would probably be ok, and we could be friends again every few months/years. But I think if we go head and start kissing and having sex then it's decided. We won't go back to friends. The "what if" factor will be gone and there'll be no reason to stay in touch. That would make me sad.

ok, he's texting me now, so I'm going to get into bed and start trying to sleep. If he's still texting by 12:00 I'm going to cut him off because I need to go to the gym in the morning. I need to get my focus back there, and not on the boy.

(oh, but first, I wonder if there'll be valentines stuff? Like I expect nothing because it's still early but it might be fun to go on a nice date. I don't know if he's the type who would do flowers or anything like that. I would totally fuck him if he did though. As long as they were a good exciting flower choice. I'm totally kidding about that. really.)

Transforming

So Midge thinks I'm undergoing a transformation. The tattoo, new drastic hair colour, dating again. I don't know if she had reasons other than that.

I think we're kind of officially dating. We've been talking every day. Some serious, some joking, some suggestive. We went out last night. He bought me dinner and then we headed down to the beach. We walked and sat on a bench and talked for at least a good hour. It was really cold though or I'm sure we would have stayed later.

We laughed and asked questions. Looked at stars and clouds. And touched. No kissing but lots of slightly more than friendly touching as we were figuring out boundaries. It was comfortable. He walked me to the skytrain after midnight. We said goodbye, and hugged. He kissed me on the cheek as he has been doing. It feels good and doesn't leave me feeling like an idiot for not actually kissing him. And the more I talk to and see him the more I actually do want to kiss him.

And my sex drive has ramped right back up. Completely. Which makes me feel great even though I think sex is still well off in the distance. While I know he would be more than happy to just sleep with me, but he's very concerned that I think that's the only reason he's interested. To the point that he didn't come and see me when I was drunk on Sunday night and wanted company.

I think that's it for now. Only other stuff is that I'm trying to make more money at work but it is very hard and my going to the gym is payng off in that my shirts/dresses fit way better but my pants are all too big. Maybe that's another part of the transformation.

first date?

All these question marks in post titles shoudl tell you something.

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off. Instead I spent from 8 am to 3:30 between my two jobs. I wondered if I have made the right decision about my career, needing to love it, needing it to be creating, and having those things at the expense of money. I was stressed. The I was a half hour late for my doctors appointment but she saw me anyways.

I also talked to midge a bit in the morning. I also realized that I didn't bring a shirt to wear at the gym so I had to buy one as I had a personal training appointment at 6:30. After my apoointment was over, I showered and got pretty because I was going to be meeting CRB.

We ended up going for drinks (which he payed completely for)and talking. After about 3 hours I was exhausted because it was way past my bed time and it had been a crazy day so I was just tired. And he could tell. I was also kind of drunk. I think he could also tell that.

So I guess the bottom line is that he really likes me still. He is recently broken up with his girlfriend, and they were living together so there's that situation still on going. I have no problems with exes usually, but ones that guys are still living with is a problem.

We talked a lot about our past and why things may not have ever happened at many points over the years. We also acknowledges that we weren't sure if we were meeting just to catch up, for a date, or to sleep together. Well there was no actual mention of sleeping together, but the suggestion was there and the touching preliminaries also were.

Today he asked if we could see each other but I am busy and we're both busy friday and saturday. He made it really clear he wants to see me again and soon. and for dating. seriously. it's strange. and I'm hesitant on so many levels, but no more hesitant than I would be with someone who I didn't have this huge history with.

I just don't want to end up in a relationship that I was never really fully committed to and then have to end it and have disasterous results.

When we were 12 I had no idea that he liked me nearly as much as he did. And he always felt he had lost and missed out on something major with me. That's strange to hear.

insanity prevails

completely unrelated to the happenings with CRB, which are basically at a halt until he decides he has time for me, I had a fun if painful day.

My boss gave me the day off, but I had to open and close the spa with a receptionist who used to work there and is now back. Just go over things with her and be the one with the keys. During the day I was free, but needed to be around the spa in case I was needed.

After opening I went to the gym. Did a bit over an hour of cardio, weights and stretching. All the while blasting my ipod shuffle (who knew Tegan and sara were so awesome for the gym?) and deciding how I was going to spend my day. The thought of getting a tattoo came to mind but I wasn't sure if I had the extra money.

After the gym I showered and went back to work. I found the inspiration image for the tattoo I wanted, check my bank accounts, worked out the pay cheques I'd be getting this week and decided I could do it. I just needed to find an artist with time and skills.

So I took a walk with the printed image and found someone available whose work looked good, clean and bright. Then I went back to work, got a brazilian and wondered if it or the tattoo would be more painful. Turns out they were about even. After that I got a wrap for lunch, went to the bank, and then to the tattoo shop.

The tattoo artist ended up being totally awesome and made the piece exactly what I wanted and incorporated a bit of his own style into the colouring, something I totally appreciate. He was also great to talk to as things were going, and really liked doing the piece. I'll be getting a second piece to match by him when I get my tax return in march.

Then I went back to work, closed and have spend the evening watching tv and snacking. A pretty awesome day. Lots of things in my head other than this but a tattoo was the perfect distraction.

panic sets in

fuck fuck fuck. I just need to relax. It's very hard to tell the tone of what someone writes in a text message. This is why I am better off finding a way to accept being alone forever. there are so many possibilities and variables, I need to not think about anything until he reaches to me. I have to accept that things are not in my hands. I need to breathe deeply and not feel lonely and like my life is lacking intimacy. And I need to get it clear out of my head that he will ever solve those two things unless he actually does by repeated and concrete actions. Not by text message alone.

lonely?

A text message conversation I am going to go to bed without analyzing to death. My texts are by memory because my phone doesn't save my sent messages. I should change this.

Me: I had an inappropriate dream about you last night?
CRB: oooh do tell
me: just things we never actually did. at least with each other
CRB: Shame
me: really now?
crb: don't you think?
me: sometimes.
cbr: yea, me too
me: hmm
crb: hmm what?
me: nothing. It's been a long week.
crb: and you need to destress.
me: I don't know what I need anymore.
crb: huh?
me: (hesitating and not sending a message)
crb: well if there is anything I can do to help just let me know hun.
me: don't get me thinking.
crb: that's the point
me: really?
crb: wouldn't be saying it if I didn't mean it.
me: ok then
crb: ok then
crb: And at least that way you know you have options
me: more than I was realistically expecting
crb: and what did you expect?
me: honestly? to talk and find out we don't connect like we used to and then not talk again.
crb: and the next question. now what would you like?
me: big question
crb: yup...which is why I ask
me: I guess I never really know with you. maybe that's why I still do this.
me: I'm being honest. I have nothing to lose.
me: and when I do I always fuck it up anyways. (or something like this, I can't quite remember.)
crb: yea I tend to do that as well. just when things are going good too. And I as well have nothing to lose.
crb: And what is it you want?
me: to talk? and that night you spent at my house but without the girlfriend that hates me. what do you want?
crb: well no need to worry about the girlfriend part. I don't have one. I'm happy with anything and everything.
me: well on that I am going to go to sleep. we'll talk in a few days?
crb: for sure. have a goodnight...and keep up the good dreams.
me: thanks but I can't promise anything.

I am alternating smiling and taking deep soothing breaths. But my room is clean minus vacuuming and hamster cage. Off to watch the rest of "An American Werewolf in London". Tomorrow is gym, work, and then evening with Zebra.

before bed

1. I am now a person who goes to the gym 4 or 5 times a week.

2. This blog needs a makeover.

3. I just want to be happy, it doesn't matter how.

4. A single voice can take you back in time.

5. I blame a crazy ex for my stress about being a girlfriend.

hopes

Tomorrow I am going to go to the location of my gym that is by my house. I've never been before but I'm not wanting to go downtown tomorrow. It's my day off and I'm going to behave like it is.

I know they have a steam room and I am really hoping it is not co-ed because I currently have no bathing suit. I want to be able to go inside it all sore and sweaty in just a towel and relax. Just close my eyes and dream about something.

Texting CRB gave the results I truthfully expected. Small messages ensuring we are still friends, but nothing to say he actually misses me or wants to see me. I know this is what I should have been expecting. I know if I got more, I would have realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all.

I'm keeping secrets. hamsters, work, money, love. I just don't know how to fix things. I'm clinging to what makes me happy. And trying to think about how to get rid of the secrets without actually revealing them.