No Sleep

I'm not sure if I'm still awake because I can't sleep or if I don't want to. I really lose track of what exactly it is. My mind is kind of all over the place but I'm sure I am actually tired.

Whenever I have a "bad day", meaning I miss England and feel confused about my Dad, it takes time to recover. Like not a day but several. It's like a process within a process. I makes me feel floaty and distant. I don't go to work, I feel light and topical, like I'm only functioning on the surface becasue something big is going on underneath. Like my main power has gone so I'm running off an internal generator. or something like that. It's not even depression at this point.

One thing I've always been interested in is things of the occult. I used to read a lot about magic and witchcraft and psychics and such. I've had my cards read by many people but About three years ago I found a reader I loved. She was nice and introduced me to a deck I feel in love with. It's unusual and not like most tarot cards. When I got back I wanted a reading but her number was out of service. I also couldn't find a reader who did this set of cards. On the weekend I tracked a set down and bought them. I did a first reading for myself but need to work with them more to become more familiar with the deetails of each image.

I own another deck of cards but I don't connect with them as well. That's odd becasue they are beautiful and incorporate astrology (something I adore) but I have hard times sorting out and connecting the cards meanings. It just never comes together in a way these other cards do.

But I think more than anything my need for these cards, as well as my return to therapy, just points to the fact that I feel lost and in need of guidance. The typically reassuring words "everything will work out" aren't cutting it for me. I know it will work out. I know everything will be good. But I still feel lost and out of touch. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to help it get there.

I am so uninterestingly introspective. None of this gets me anywhere and that's kind of my point. I'm doubting everything, my home, my future, my relationships, but with no goal. I have no actual problem I'm trying to solve. The boy thing maybe but I'm currently trying the ignoring strategy as caring had no positive impact.

It's so hot in my flat I just turned the fan on. I wonder what anything I'm doing will provide me. Will getting a bike help? Is all this crafting stuff for anything? Is Midges return home going to change things? Will putting film in the camera make something better? something more real? or is all of any bit of excitement/potential and shopping just a distraction? I don't even know what they're a distraction from. I feel apathetic. paralyzed is also a word that comes to mind. Will my disolussionment from Saturday just a small scale manifestation of all of this?

Part of me does want someone to hug me and tell me thing are ok though. And I know people are hhere and willing but it doesn't help. SOmehow it's not what I really need. I wish I knew what I did need thiough. I wish I knew what this was. Is it grief, fear, restlessness, longing? all of those, none of those?

I have more musings I could do about my sexuality and my seemingly unending singleness but I really need to sleep. More at another point. I doubt I'll be going to work this week.

Obligations

I should be at work today because It is Olive's last day on Wednesday and I need her help to finish my project up. However, I am currently sitting naked in bed with a warm and wet vibrator nuzzled between my legs. Way more fun than work. I will go in but not until 11:30 or noon.

My back is also really sore. Yesterday it was more my neck but it's lowered a bit and just really hurts. I really want a massage. A massage by someone who wants it to turn into sex would be even better. I also woke up wanting to look at Dildo harnesses so I did. This is the last week I can sleep in so I'm kind of letting myself do it. If I want to wank in the mornings after this week I'll have to get up really early or become faster while in the shower.

Slow Dancing

Last night went ok. Titania and I looked awesome and were excited to be out. Yaletown breweries provided us with a bottle of wine and some food (spinach with garlic and parmesan). Then the people we went to meet headed to the royal but Titania did not want to go there so we took off the the arch.

There we ran into a darling friend of ours (Farmer) I haven't had a chance to spend much time with since I've been back. We drank more and danced. We were happy because at first a lot of what they were playing music wise was what we listen to at home. Farmer was actually in one of the Karaoke rooms becasue it was his friends birthday. It turns out we had met her at Midge's house because they all used to work together.

So Titania and I sung a bit and danced more. But then the music was getting worse. The dj's were doing wierd things like playing the chourses of really good songs and then playing crap. So I guess I got frustrated and was comparing everything to England. Then it just kind of snowballed. I cried and wanted to book a flight and just got sad. I gathered myself after a glass of water and we came home. Once home we sat and had some pie and water to sober up a bit.

So there is it. This is all really hard sometimes. One thing like not playing modest mouse straight through in favour of crap just brings everything else in. I met a bunch of people this morning for coffee and crafting talk. I felt like crap and have just been hanging out at home all this afternoon. I have to go to work for the next three days but school starts next week. Nervous but excited.

warning

ok, Titania is finishing getting ready (I'm done) but I have the music really loud and I'm dancing around crazy and running into things becasue my sobriety has passed. It's good. We're hitting yaletown breweries and then either Bar None or the Arch.

There's something about midge's return that has me retarded excited. like there's just excitement abound/ Like her knowing what it's like to be away and to find something but then to return. kindred spirits or soemthing. Even when we first met we joked about how we were the same person.

I am super fancied out tonight. I am almost ashamed that I have used 10 make-up products on my face tonight. Im wearing jeans so I'm making up for the lack of fanciness in super amazing eye make-up. I haven't wor n this much make-up in weeks. month even maybe.

The music in our flat is up very loud and I should probably eat something to make me not quite so drunk becasue I'll be the only one and the only people I know well that I'll see tonight is Titania. not much I do surprises her anymore. Ok, I'm going but I needed to kill some time. Hope everyone is having or has had (depending on your time zone) a stunning sturday night!

Returned

I'm settled in at home now. I'm not fully unpacked yet though. I've got The Golden Girls on and the cat is on my lap. I'm about to go have a bath. Tonight Titania and I are going to go out so I want my hair straightened. I bought a huge box of peaches so I need to put them in the fridge, at least the ones that I'm not giving to my neighbours.

When I was shopping the other day I bought thongs from old navy and they are super bloody comfortable. The fabric is soft and they totally fit well. The bra I bought that day too is also great. I'm considering wearing my smartballs out tonight. We'll see how I feel when I'm getting ready.

I started talking about something in my audiopost last night that I didn't really explain. I saw a friend I hadn't seen in about a year and it made me realize how few male friends I have here at this point in my life. Growing up a large majority of my friends were guys and in England it was pretty even but here my friends are almost all girls.

Anyway seeing him and being hugged kind of reminded me why I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I get hugged by my female friends a lot (ie. everytime we see each other) but having a guys arms around you, even if they will only ever be friends, is different. This also touches onto why even though I would totally have sex with a woman, I don't have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with one, or why I tend not to consider myself bi-sexual when most people ask (but that's a much more complicated thing).

Mostly it was just good to see that boy. He was someone who was around when I left and who I talked to while I was gone but who I hadn't seen yet. It was good in a way that's hard to explain; It was good to see him doing ok because his winter wasn't great and it was a connection to a part of the life I left last year and won't get back in the same way. And I had really good dessert at the restaurant we ate at.

But now my body wants me to end this and have a shower and wank. Not thinking about the boy though - he's forever off limits. I'm not quite sure what will be the subject of my thoughts yet.

Away from home

Green with...

I'm just finishing getting ready to leave. I have to pick up a few things on my way and my hair still needs to be straightened. Otherwise I'm done.

Midges personal blog (no link cause it's not anonymous) had an interesting post today. Some stuff about the moving back and forth things and some about boys. Both parts meant stuff for me part is looked about with full and complete understanding (the moving stuff) and the other part with a complete lack of understanding (boys).

I'm not feeling like hashing through either of these things because I think I've done it enough and I have nothing new. I want to be in England and I have an inability to relate on romantic levels to people. No changes and no developments. And when something about these things works for someone it makes me feel immature and lost.

Just thinking about school I just want to be only a 20 minute walk away and I want 5-9 scociable drinks. I want H&M and M&S. I want the Agora and the short loan section and the lake. And the CD library and Broadway cinema. All this overweighs any sadness for my lack of boys when everyone around me has it at least kind of going.

But I am going to straighten my hair and put some make-up on. Then I am going to go walk up commercial and head out to coquitlam to meet Blondie. In 18 months I will be back in England. Until then I will enjoy the parts of Vancouver I love and finally get my degree so I can keep going forward.

Shopping

I left work early to meet with Chatton but she had to cancel. Then Titania got off work several hours early so we decided to go downtown for some shopping. I did well, as always - see pics of what I could find online below.

Tomorrow Chatton is coming over and I have to finish packing and burn some CD's for the road. The packing part is really simple though and it's just a matter of selecting and folding. I pretty much know what I'm taking anyways. I also want to straighten my hair in the morning and put some fresh toe-nail polish on.

I want to sleep a bit early but I'm not really that tired. I would like to wank my way to a restful sleep but Titania is out and should be coming home any time. It's one thing to do it while she's sleeping in the other room, but another thing entirely when she's walking around that flat and I am.

Today we went into our local sex toy shop (also one of the best ones ever!) to see how much the menstrual cups are because Titania wants one. But we ended up looking at vibes and the sales people kept giving us information that I already knew. Amusing but somehow weird. Maybe I'll wear my smartballs for the drive tomorrow. I'm not sure if that will end up being an idea I regret. Also, I keep thinking about being pierced at some point while I'm away. Nutty but true. I'm feeling a bit impulsive right now. hmm.

Anyways, I'm off and here are the pics. (The bra set is actually purple with green details)

homesick

I never want to go to work again. I'll be there tomorrow and then on Wednesday I'll be going to Kelowna with Blondie and then I'll have to go into my office about 4 or 5 more times over the next few weeks but I'm really just putting in about 15 hours a week. I just want to be at home and relaxing and making stuff and getting myself ready for school. I need some note books for lectures and a new pencil case. Although I could use my London underground one I'm not sure if I want it getting that much wear.

Chatton came to my office around 2:30 and I left early. We did a tiny bit of shopping for her niece's birthday and then had lunch and I bought flowers. I told her I was homesick. She said that was funny but she said she was homesick for Amsterdam. She has family there and spent a bunch of her time there. It's good to feel understood sometimes.

I kind of feel too introspective for my own good and like nothing is coming of it. I am glad to be out of here for a few days and I am glad school is starting soon. I just think the newness will be good and keep me positive. Not that I'm feeling negative, I'm just feeling flat. good, but flat. Like things are just there and are going to stay that way. Not bad but static. Static is a good word for it. But I want to be dynamic and also to have my life be that way. But I have to do it. I have to take those steps. I know.

Further rambling

This is all about how I feel about England and Vancouver and changes and adjusting.

Discovering

Soundtrack to this thought: All These Things That I've Done by The Killers.

It's amazing how you can do something (ie. move to another country and start a new life) and have it work. Then you can actually take all that happiness and confidence back into the place you come from and it still kind of works. I was scared I would lose thing when I came back. And at first I kind of did but now, as I really begin to settle in, I think I'm getting it back. I'm not as sociable as I was but it's slowly coming back. I feel way more relaxed about things in general. I dance more and I smile more. My outlook and reactions are just different than what I would have expected sometimes.

I have no point to all of this except that things are actually really good and I have so much possible. I still long for England but I'm not miserable in the meantime.

Migrain Induced

1. The cat just brought a huge moth into the flat.

2. Midge won't be coming home until the middle of September.

3. I have a really bad migraine that's been around since last night, on and off.

4. I am going to have a long bath and then sleep early.

5. The Cut wasn't on tonight.

6. I may be buying a serger tomorrow.

7. Next week is my last week at HK Inc.

8. I really need to get my legs waxed especially when this heat makes it impossible to wear pants.

9. I had an awesome dinner tonight and there's leftovers still.

10. I bought a really cute shirt yesterday.

Encounters

Titania and I went for a walk today to play on the swings at a nearby park. We were followed for a long while by a cat but made sure he got home fine. We also had yummy gelato. My back is all itchy from a healing sunburn. We had our first naked walk-in tonight too. WE are both in bed early and she asked me to oput a cd on but then as I was getting back into bed she came out to adjust the volume. No big deal. tanks and underware are pretty standard for both of us just around the house.

I apologize for the low excitement and fragmented content. I'm just kind fo feeling in a space of potential energy and I'm kind of enjoying it a bit. A job where I can pick my own hours, no real commitments, decent cash flow. Very relaxed and worry free.

But that, kids, is all you'll be getting for the night. I have some things to do before I actually fall asleep.

Bruising

Titania and I were watching Veronica Mars tonight. Both on the leather couch all reclined and in pj's and blankets. So a commercial comes on and she mutes it. I look at her and we just start laughing. And she's like "I'm allowed to mute it. I just wanted to mute it" so we keep laughing.

Basically there's been a plethora of Vagisil ads and I don't like them. My pussy doesn't need special soap ok? and if yours smells unusually offensive and is itchy, I think using a heavily fragranced cream will not help. Also, the idea of scented tampons just makes me angry. Keep you bits away from synthetics and things will take care of themselves. really.

Also, I was taking a shower this afternoon and noticed I am heavily bruised. I have always bruised easily but right now iot's crazy. Two on my left arm and one is really bad, three on my left leg and two on my right leg. I also feel like I have a bruise on the side of my head but you can't see anything. Titania said that could be a sympptom of internal bleeding and I told her that didn't help at all.

I'm feeling cuddly today - or this evening at least. Heavy has been coming into the office the last few days and makes being there extra bad. I just want to not be there so so so bad right now. the 26th willl be my last day for sure. Anything other people haven't done by then will just not get done and too bad for them. I have put enough energy into a project that wouldn't be maintained no matter how easy ans seamless I made it.

Anyway, cuddly in that I just want to feel the warmth of body and feel all wrapped up and warm. My down blanket is going to have to do for now though. My life is still void of any potential boy action but I hope getting back to school will alter that at least a little bit. we'll see. Off I go to bed though. I'm trying to not stay up so late because I need to get used to getting up early for lectures.

Images

Right before Midge left she gave away a bunch of her clothes and I am wearing one of those items now. They make me feel closer to her or something. You can see the tiniest part of it below.

This morning in the bath/shower I was caught up in images of white button-up shirts and floral bikini underwear (neither of which I own) being worn in the shower. The idea was very appealing and interesting. all the sheerness, and clinging. Once several years ago I saw a clip online of a wet t-shirt contest. I found the actual event insulting but the images captivating. I am also currently obsessed with breasts. Enthralled might be a better word really.

I should be sleeping because I must go to work in the morning. It's very hot and I feel like turning the fan on just so I can sleep clothed. I want to buy a thin cotton mini-skirt just to wear around the house. I actually want a lot of things and I am getting many of them.

Sorry for the scattered nature of this post. I really just wanted to share my love for white shirts clinging to tits because of water. or love of breasts in general. Even just my own really. If you don't love tits I don't think I could ever love you. I want another vibrator too. And a whole bunch of craft supplies. And champagne. I adore champagne so bloody much it's not funny.

Surprise

I bought 20.00 jeans today. I may be getting my lags waxed professionally tomorrow evening. Midge called and is coming home probably next week. (It's completely true Blondie!) Olive was laid-off and so I am making her last day my last day. I got a free iTunes download just for trying on jeans at GAP. If my laundry were done the house would be really clean.

Love

I'm sitting in nmy bed in tears. sniffly, hard-to-breathe, burning eyes, tears. And it's all becasue I've just watched the two last episodes ever of Queer as Folk. But these days tears are full of everything. They're full of love and laughter and loss and lack. It's not knowing what my plan is after May 2006. It's feeling so near to completely satisfied.

I thought I was in a place to write but I think that I am not. There's so much going on. Today. This week. This month.

Today I sold some plates of my father that I think I should have kept. I've kept a lot and I didn't want them but they were the only thing that I looked longingly upon as it was carried away. I rekindled my love for sportsbras and racerback tanks. I've cleaned up puke the my cat got all over the house. I wore self-designed earrings. I laughed and smiled. I have a sore legs and back from crapms and moving boxes.

This week I want to finish work at HK Inc. I will order business cards. I will order awesome pins to sell. I may put film in my dads old camera. I will deposit a cheque for more money than I've made in the last two years. I will meet new people to craft with. I will eat pizza for breakfast and pancakes for dinner. I will make stationary.

This month I will go back to school. I will begin to get a sense of if an MA is really my next step. I will meet more new people. I may get a new kitten. I will trim my hair but leave it red. I will learn to rollerskate.

But there's always more. I've been staying in a bit recently and just hanging out. I feel like it's downtime but also refresh time. I'm comfortable and pretty content. I know I've got to add some things in but right now I'm good. I'm doing what I think I need to be doing with little else in my way. I'm a bit scared of what's upcoming but a few deep breaths and I'm sure it'll all be good. I will meet a lily and a classclown. It'll all happen.

Weekending

1. We got a leather reclining couch and it might be too comfortable.

2. Titania is just going to bed now and I am going to wank my heart out for a while.

3. We played badminton tonight and it was great fun.

4. A potluck dinner party is happening tomorrow night and I am making this awesome couscous salad.

5. I really like my red hair.

6. Opening a store in the next few years in a distinct possibility.

7. We're printing business cards next week.

8. I am so excited my body wants sex.

Misplaced

There's something I want to be doing that I feel like I can't do as much as I want because I have this stupid day/office job. I am not tired and I want to make stuff and it would be fine to do it now, even at this silly time of the day if I didn't feel obligated to go to work tomorrow. I'ver been picking my own hours which means 2 or 3 days a week and 5-6 hour days. I hardly get anything of substance done and I am completely distracted. I just want to wipe my hands of it and craft.

I'm also borke. Not technically but actually. As of Monday I won't be but my last 150.00 just went to my therapist. I'm not sure how long I'll see her for. I totally make it seem like everythings in control when it's not. I'm feeling a bit freaked out by my world. I have having massive daydreams about doing something that shouldn't be as realistic as I'm making it feel. And it has nothing to do with sex.

Actually I don't have anything to do with sex right now. Even the orgasm yesterday was forced because I wanted it to give me energy. It didn't work and I didn't go out. But now I have crazy amounts of energy and I should be sleeping. I've been this broke before but usually there's been decent food in the house and that is currently not the case. blah. I might accidentally post-date a cheque or something to buy some groceries. blah more.

but nothings bad really. There's just so many possibilites and I want to focus on two things and I have this silly fucking job that I just want to leave. I just want to quit and leave them to deal with it. It's not like my boss will ever know the difference. He doesn't understand half of it anyways. And if they fail an inspection it's not my fault. It's his fault for not getting it and the lab managers fault for being lazy. Plus, I won't work there.

I feel torn between dreams. I'm told by the professional that none of them are exclusive but I need to feel on a path to something specific. I need to have my next year sorted. I know now through June but then I'm lost. But it feels like I might as well be lost now. Is 10 months really that different than a year? I know it's not but here I am anyways.

I wanted to be done work this weekend and I'm not going to be. I have to go in next week because that's just who I am. Deliquant and Olive aren't around this week and they are two of the most important people to help me finish things. BUt they were both there last week and I only went in one day. I just don't want to do it. My movtivations not there becasue it's a waste of time and becasue I have something better to do. I feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

I want to feel fulfilled and content. Or even rested. I think what makes it so hard id that I'm inspired by something but I can't focus on it entirly becasue of this stupid project that is totally energy zapping and mind-numbing. I need out but I'll never get fired. I even go in with intentions to finish a lot but I just can't make it through. And eveyday I make the list of what I have left to do smaller by completing two documents and erasing one I should do off the list becasue it's low priority. I should be fired.

Attempting

I'm supposed to go out dancing and such tonight but I really don't want to. It was supposed to be a bunch of us but now it's only two I think and I've been sleeping poorly. It's really the staying up late and getting all fancied up part I'm not into, which is very very strange. Titania gets home within an hour and she actually wants to go I think. I'm good with going downtown for dinner and some walking around or beach chilling, just not Celebrities.

Things I've done to get myself into going out:
Slept in and went to work late
Left work really early
Bought craft supplies
Napped
Tested new craft technique
Sorted and purged stuff
Had a bath
Had an orgasm
Played dancing music
Played with the cat
Orange and Salt body scrub

Things I am going to try next:
Re-apply nail polish
craft more
straighten hair

Lazy Pazy

I'm still in my bed. I have gotten out of it a few times to eat and pee but I'm happy here. I'm sitting up with the laptop on my pillow and it's good. I watched tree episodes of Queer as Folk and made a potential banner for the business. I'm kind of waiting for Titania to get home from her lunch to take some photos of earrings but it's not a big deal if it doesn't happens.

I'm still feeling a bit off school like I was yesterday but I'm just trying not to think about it. Starting a store-front business isn't really a possibility right now so I just need to let it go and finish this degree. I have more CD's to go through before I put them in the garage sale pile that has taken over my front hallway. It's a little crazy how much I have to sell. This week I've got to do some advertising for it becasue the more money the better.

I'm going to go becasue I'm thirsty and I should update my calendaar. I have a therapy appointment this week and I think it's going to be rough. I have a lot I'm thinking of. School, crafts, boys, death. I'm only going to see her once a month because she's really really expensive. She is really good though. And one of my favorite shops is on the same block as her office. I haven't been there since I've been home either.

Licenses

I'm having a bit of a lack of interest in academics today. I don't know if it's just because I'm not doing it but it feels less powerful than it did just one month ago.

Basically Chatton and I have decided to start a ligitimate business based on the tiny things we started last year. 3 of the 4 four major steps are simple enough, but getting a license with the city is proving difficult to a point where I'm unsure of if this can happen. And somehow that makes me want to just seriously start the business, get a loan, get some retail space with a studio and such and just go from there.

I don't know where that would put school or England. And I know Chatton isn't in a position to do that. I guess I kind of feel like I can do anything and maybe being an academic isn't right despite it being interesting. I guess I'm not seriously considering it, but it seems more interesting right now.

I'm not looking forward to school that much. I know a business would be work but it's a different kind of work. Maybe I'm just restless and unsure of everything. I really don't know. I always go through phases of second guessing the idea of becoming an academic. However, I do love it and know that starting a business isn't any more secure really.

I just want to feel like I'm doing something but I'm not sure what something I want to be doing and should be doing. THis evening however I should clean, sort and start dinner.

Another Friend

Yesterday Chatton and I had a reunion of sorts with one of our friends who was in Europe with Chatton and came and visited me. I haven't seen her since I returnd and Chatton hadn't seen her in several months. She (Ringlette) is moving to Halifax on the 16th to continue and finish art school. We always have the best times together. She was changed by Europe in many of the same ways I was. We really connect on that level.

So last night we got drunk. Titania was home but didn't want to drink with us. Her and Chatton both had to work the next day. I was supposed to go into my office but hangover pancakes and shopping with Ringlette so won out. I think Titani might be mad at me for being a bit loud late last night when she was trying to sleep. She hardly said anything to me or Ringlettes in the morning and when I asked her if she was aound for dinner she just mumbled things. Usually she'd be home by now but she's not. Her phone isn't working right now either so calling her isn't possible.

I can understand being irritated but we weren't consistantly loud but we were in bed talking and laughing and just got increaingly loud and giddy. I also am not going to see her for a yeaar after the next few weeks so it's a exceptional circumstance. And as soon as she spoke up to the fact she was being kept awake we totally quietened down. I really hope she's not actually mad.

I know half of it is probably that she really hates her job right now but she's not doing all she can to get a new one. I just think she needs to change her own circumstance and that she completely has it within her to do so. When she doesn't it's frustrating and don't understand.

Anyway, talking with RInglettes made me decide anything with C is not worth it unless it's initiated on his part and his stoner tendancies are less than they currently appear. There's way more nad than good about him right now.

Maybe I'm just feeling lonely. RInglette and Chatton get excited with me. I want Titania to be excited about life becasue I think it's so very worthy of excitement. Some days may suck and you may go to work tired or whatever but there's so much worse that can happen. I just want to keep the excitement around as much as possible. I really like being excited to wake up even if it's just to go to lectures and make curry for dinner. It doesn't have to be a giddy-excited just a energy-excited. Maybe that's being really happy.

I really want to get take-out sushi but was waiting for Titani to see if she wanted to come and walk there with me. hmm. I'm not sure what my plans for tonight (or the whole weekend) are otherwise. I have plans on Tuesday night at Celebrities though.

Todays Tasks

I'm taking the day off work but want to be productive. Here's the list, constantly updated.

1. Laundry
2. Dishes
3. Wash toys
4. Vaccum
5. Clean blue bag
6. Buy groceries for dinner
7. Import contacts to google
8. Update poscasts on ipod
9. Finish swap craft
10. Clean room
11. Flight insurance
12. Put out garage sale notice
13. Change vmail greeting
14. go through CD's to sell
15. check jobs on craigslist
16. PM new swap partner
17. Email UBC advisor
18. Update other blog
19. Empty camera
20. Take out garbage and recycling
21. "Who the people on my blog are" post
22. Sort Craft stuff

It looks like some of these might carry over until tomorrow but that's ok. I'm taking it off tomorrow to do craft with Chatton.

Airports

I don't want to sleep. I'm not feeling tired enough and I don't want to think. I ended up spending some time at the airport because I am an awful grand-daughter and it made me want luggage and a ticket. I hated being there and I loved being there. I feel kind of numb and not stable. I alsmost cried on the bus ride home.

I looked up the therapist I was last at and called to see if I could get an appointment. I stopped going partly because it was expensive but it also stresses me out in a way. That said, I know I need it right now and I can afford it. I get mostly reimbursed anyways. But I think I need it. I know I need to deal with stuff about boys and relationships but I'm not sure if I'll do that. I tend to avoid vocalising that it's a real problem for me but doing that kind of defeats the purpose of going. We'll see if I can even get an appointment.

There's a girl I've known for a while she went to art school with Chatton, Claire and another good friend who I'm not sure if I have given a name to in the past. We met her, her girlfriend and a bunch of their other friends at pride and she works with Titania. I've never hung out one-on-one with her but see her at parties a lot. Anyways, we;ve been hanging out a bunch more since I've been back and she's going to help me clean out my storage room to get ready for a big garage sale in two weeks.

Once that's done Titani are going to host a gathering of friends at what we are calling a house-re-warming. It will involve good food, drinking, games, music. a mellow vibe overall because the place is small but it's always fun.

I'm also feeling kind of sick today. Like waves of nausea that come and go. I didn't eat a lot yesterday or today so I'm not sure if that's the problem. I finished watching all the Wonderfalls episodes and they are soo good. I recommend getting your hands on them. It's pretty silly, but smart and funny.

I think at the core of everything in the last few days is that I want affection and I don't care too much where it comes from. Even the cat loving me is great. She's purring in my lap right now. I'm going to make some pasta with pesto. I'm also trying to download all the Queer as Folk episodes for season five. I'm not into reality right now and I don't know how ok that is. I guess it all depends how long it lasts.

mornings

Titania and I both slept way in today. We're just finishing up breakfast and smoothies. I feel like rollerskating but I'm still not very good. I used to be good when I was younger but haven't used the ones I bought nearly as much as I should. Especially considering their price.

I received an email from Midge that has settled me on that front. I know where she stands and part of that is that she has no expectations of my actions. So for now I can rest knowing that's true and assess how I feel when she's around and we're resorting the friendship on just a friendship level. I do have a feeling that I wouldn't be so considering it if I was seeing someone and my mind didn't keep venturing that way. I mean I fantasize about a bunch of things I'd never actually considering doing.

However, in another way I think that it's just that I don't fancy a relationship with her and I'm just not that interested in casually sleeping with a friend - any friend. But, we'll see. I'm not dismissing it but when she's here I'll have to decide what my thoughts really are and see if I'm doing something or not doing it for the right reasons.

I've also thought more about C. He's more complicated/immediate though because I don't know him very well at this point and he's actually in the same city as me. Maybe it would be a good idea to go after him only because I'm not very familiar with him and the potential for hurt/disapointment is low. I'm not sure if that's true though. And I don't really know what to do if I make that decision that I would like to see him outside of Virgin at some point. I really have to get over this.

one last question about Midge: why didn't I know this before we both left? Was it not there? Was it concealed them becasue of me? becasue of her? becasue of the serious relationship she was then in? I don't think I need answers but it does occur to me.

I really feel like going out today and doing something active. A bunch of people around me are buying or have bought bikes and it makes me want one. Something cool and old school though. I really should just use my rollerskates. I do have something I'm supposed to do today because I'm avoiding it. It makes me kind of a bad person but I'll try to make up for it.

Pie

Titania: How about a piece of pie?
Me: I think pie is part of my problem.

The confusin of pie as dessert and pie as pussy has been floating into almost every conversation today and it has been funny. I've been wandering aimless around the flat looking for something to eat but I know my indecision has nothing to do with food. My hair is damp from rinsing out the dye. It's not as bright as I was hoping but still really nice.

I told Chatton and Titania about my revelation to and discovery about Midge. I felt like I needed to tell someone even though I wasn;t expecting to have anything said back. I think the fact taht it's gone fromfantasy to possibilty I'm confused about what I want. It's not liek I need a commitment that somethign wil happen, but I do need to decide if somethign happening is ok with me. That I do not know. My body and my head are in conflict.

But then we were downtown today and I wanted to stop at virgin. Now until today I thought I was done thinking about C because of the fact he and Miranda were casually hooking up for a short period of time about 3 years ago. But my desire to go to virgin to see if he was working still happened. We looked for Claire upstairs and when we couldn't see her we went downstairs. This is where he and the other girl work. I spotted him and asked him if the other two were working and said hi. Titania and Chatton came over and we chatted a tiny bit and then he offered to check the scedule to be sure neither was there.

Somewhere along the line today I realized I was confused about both these people but that my feelings about each were mixed up with each other. In a way I know what I want but I'm not sure how to go about it. I do miss talking to Midge as much as we used to but she's super busy socially (yay!) and the timing doesn't work as much anymore. I miss flirting with classclown and guys at bars. I don't really have replacements for either.

I want affection and attention and playfulness. I want it from a guy who likes me. I don't know if I want it from C or if he's just prsent and that's enough. That sounds a bit like desparation but I don't think it's that at all. It's like I don't know what beign wanted looks like anymore. I can't see it because I don't know what it looks like. And what if I did decide I wanted to get to know C better? I'd have no idea how to do it other than visit virgin a lot and hope he shows up at parrties where I'll be drunk and forward yet distanced.

Chatton said that it seemed I'm unwilling to put myself out there and in a way I am. But I want the result that action would give so I've got to do it. I've always said I'm not afraid of rejection but I think that's a lie. I think that all this time I feel like I've been rejected but tons of people. Not directly but nothing ever happened and no one ever tried (even when I kind of did) so it's added up. Now I feel a bit stuck and paralyzed about it all.

Have I said this all before? Maybe the new part is that I know I have to do something and I'm so close to wanting to do it but now I'm not sure what that thing is. How do you know someone else is interested in getting to know you better? Should it be obvious? should you just wait for them to say something? If I didn't have friends I'd think it was me but I truly don't think that.

But it does occur to me that I'm just not his type but I don't know who's type I am. LIke I said already he might just be my focus becasue he's there rather than anything about his actual self. He's got three things about him I don't get and only one I do get that I know of.

BUt I don't know what to do. Any maybe that's where I end up thinking about Midge. Is it a good idea because we do like each other and I know it's not us using each other or not respecting or whatever. But then maybe it's bad becasue she's just a source of the gratification I can't figure out how to get elsewhere. Or maybe, despite my continued belief that I'm not interested in an emotional relationship with a woman and would only consider a sexually based one, I'm worried that something will go bad and it'll fuck a friendship up.

I want to sleep but there'll be more sex dreams and nothing about my real life will be sorted. I'm not sure If I need to make things happen to get what I want or if what should happen will naturally happen at the right time. I also don't know if what I want is general (attention and affection) or specific (C). All I really am sure of is that I want someone. I want someone who would be lying behind me and playing with my hair while encouraging me to get off the computer and have some slow sleepy sex and reminding me of the mornings plans for pancakes.