1000 words

I am officially in bed. I know that sucks of me because it's just barely 10:00, but I have good reasons. First of all, I am tired and have another 9 am lecture. I haven't done all my prep work for it but I've done some. I also have to get up at a reasonable tim eto make lunch and have a shower. I also want to wear make-up tomorrow. That only takes 5 minutes, but but it's five less minutes of sleeping.

The other reason is that I have been pretty aroused most of the day and want to give myself some time to enjoy it. If I go to bed now, I'll be satisfied and sleeping at a reasonable hour. However, if I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I will be satisfied and sleeping late, which is what happened last night and I woke up 15 minutes before I needed to leave the house.

While I was doing all the prep work for my class tomorrow (looking up long lists of words in the dictionary)I was sitting at my desk in blue pyjama bottoms, the shirt I wore today (black, low cut, 3/4 length sleeves) and one of my new pink thongs. My hand was gently cupping one of my breasts and casually rubbing and pinching my nipple. Ya, distracting, but nice. I really gave up on the vocab work as I could feel myself getting wet and the familiar thobbing began.

I am now lying in bed, like the other night, above the covers and on my stomache. I'm only wearing the black shirt and the pink thong now. My hair that desperately needs to be cut is hanging down around my face and neck in a bit of a mess. My vibe is resting beside my thigh, right where it's been all day since I left it there this morning. It's a bit cold from the air, but starting to warm up because of my body being against it. The wonders of silicone.

I am putting the Postal service on itunes (kisses, Midge) and trying to decide what kind of story to seek out tonight.

Notice a pattern

Just had a nice long chat with Victoria. I haven't seen her in about a week so it was nice. I'm just eating some dinner (couscous and veggies) and am about to watch some American Idol before prepping for my fun lecture in the morning.

I met my new seminar tutor today and I quickly got a crush on him. Nothing serious but he was nervous and rambling and very nice to everyone and really wanted us to be able to explore the topics we were most interested in , and in a way we were comfortable with. When I don't have anyone realistic in mind (when do I ever?) this is what I do. Unfortunately it won't last more than a few days because our sessions with him are only once in a while and there's only three more. Oh, well.

Coming to terms

This morning has been weird. Weird isn't quite the right word for it though. I feel very natural and settled right now. I don't really know what that means. Maybe I shouldn't be writing here. I should be reading.

I think this is the first time where I feel like going home won't make me miserable. I'd rather stay here, but home will be ok for two years. I'll just have to do things I'm happy with. Volunteer at the wonderfully abbreviated gallery. Get a low stress and responsibility job. Keep focusing on school to get a good degree.

It's like I feel comfortable in my skin, but I kind of always do. I don't know really. I need to make a grocery list before I leave campus today because if I go to Sainsbury's without one it'll be a disaster. And I have to make real meals the next few days - good for body and for budget.

late at night

I am lying in bed right now. On top of the covers, on my stomach. My knees are bent and my feet are leaning up against the wall above my pillows. I'm wearing a cream tank top with cream lace trim and one of my new black thongs. It is very plain but so comfortable and it makes me feel good. When I look back I can see the tattoo on my back as well and it makes me want to get more. However, like the sex toys, tattoos get put on hold when money is a concern.

My day tomorrow is full. Lecture. Library for politics/philosophy reading and dictionary work. Lecture. Seminar. Sainsbury's. Home. Translation. Go over presentation for the next day. Is doesn't sound that busy but it is. But once this presentation is done I'm a happy girl. I have to do a draft 1800 word write up on it over the weekend but that shouldn't be a problem at all. Another presentation is due the week after as well. I also have to finialize my art essay topic but want to talk to my prof first to make sure I'm not picking an object that I won't be able to find significant information on.

Man this post went from good to crap. I'm going to get under the covers now. I don't want to be exhausted in the morning and I want to make my lunch so I won't buy overpriced sandwiches or end up not eating and have my stomach make anngry/hungry noises during lectures (yes, this happens when it's like 2 and I haven't eaten yet).

beyond belief

Well I feel intensly stressed out tonight. My back, neck and arms are all tense and I've only gotten a small potion of what I've got to do done. All I really want to do is read tv transcripts and craft, but alas I can not. I'm going to make dinner now, which should be something healthy and may end up being crap just because I'm tired.

Dreams last night included modern dance somehow incorporated into a quiz, national anthems and me ignoring Eliott. I really don't remember much else. I need to read like 40 pages and compile notes for a presentation on Tuesday and do more vocabularly. And tomorrow is a 9 am lecture that I must attend. I also have do reading after that and before the next lecture that day becasue of a seminar that afternoon.

I'm also having anxiety about money and may consider starting a "help support me" fun sooner than later. I was thinking of temping over the holiday but I've too busy right now to look for work so I don't think it'll happen. My boss from the job I left back home when I moved here wants to hire me back in the summer so I'm going to see if there's anything I can do from here to make some money over the break. We'll see. Send me money finding vibes if you all can. I'll send them out as well.

Reflections

In regards to the offer I was speaking of yesterday night I have decided to decline. I thought about it and decided that was what should be done. I'd be happily willing to do it for a boyfriend say he wanted me to write about liaisons here, but for someone in the great beyond, I just don't see what's in it for me. And it's not like I'm being paid.

Well, I do get something out of it. Put simply, I tend to like it when someone tells me what to do when it comes to sex. Sometimes. I mean conditions are that I get to have control everywhere else and the person understands that even though I'm being told what to do, I'm still equally in control as he is. It really all goes back to the comfort. Bottoms line is I need intimacy with it, and I'm not going to get that with this. I'll talk about this like of mine more another day maybe.

So the end of this is that while I'm open to suggestions, I will only do them on my own accord and never have any obligation to write about them. Also, your're just going to have to be happy with the way the sex content is given - both in type and quantity.

Anyways, What I really wanted to give you today was a shopping list of what I brought back from my lovely city. This is to show you that I have a shopping problem and this is why I tend not to go into the city to much. Note that I needed a few things today which I've just a star beside and tried to limit myself to those stores.

1. Boots (Drugstore): Shampoo (2 for 1), *Lube* and 2 fcuk nail polishes (2 for 1, colours: black and bubble gum pink)

2. Marks and Spencer: 10 thongs (buy 5, get 2nd 5 at 1/2 price, colours: 3 black, 2 pink, red, cream, pink with black dots, white with black dots, white with pink dots)

3. Wilkinsons (various stuff): *Picture frames* (2 for 1, both for gifts/crafts I'm making right now), *small pot* (when I burned the one the other night it was so bad I needed a whole new one), and mug (I only have one and sometimes when people are over I need two)

4. Some linen shop: *4 white pillow cases* (also for gifts/crafts)

5. Hobbycraft: *waste canvas* (for gifts/crafts) and *tuquiose thread* (for gifts/crafts)

Really I didn't do too bad, especially considering I did go into H&M. I did avoid many regular stops though. The city was super busy and it was nice to visit it. That makes it sound really far away and it's like a 15 minute bus ride.

Hypotheticals

Tonight I am progressing well with the crafts. It's actually a gift for Lily because I will miss her birthday because it's after I leave. I will give it to her well before I leave though, just because it will be done and I won't be able to not give it to her. I've also been eating these giant cookies from Sainsbury's. They are white chocolate chip and I could only eat two because they are so sweet and chewy.

I am also thinking of things because that what happens when I craft. I was thinking earlier this afternoon of what stripedcoat said about not letting him kiss me. I was also thinking just a bit ago about new years boy who said I slept with him. And all this in combination with the offer/request in the comments and I wonder if maybe I'm all talk and no action. I guess in a way I definitely am all talk right now, but not because I don't want to be action.

When I found out what new years boy had said I really didn't give a shit. I actually started heavily fantasizing about it. Not what if we had slept together there, or if he had come home with me, or even if he had called. I considered what I would do if I saw him again. Though I wasn't likely to see him just by chance, the likelihood of running into him at another party was high because his sister was really close with one of my best friends at the time, and it was this friends house where 90% of our parties were held.

Anyways, it was in this time that one of my favorite fantasies developed. It's not something I think about too often now, but when I do...um, it's good. So the premise is basically that we're kind of shocked to see each other and trying to talk a bit and people are watching us because they know what happened. It makes us both a bit weird and when we can't find any empty room we go into the bathroom. There is another one, so it's not a big deal.

We start talking and getting reaquainted because we didn't really the first time we met and natuarally we start making out. We realize we should probably get back to the party because people expect me to be out there and playing games or something. We start kissing again instead though. I think he's about to stop again to leave but instead he whispers in my ear that he wants to cum on me before we go back out. I'm not really sure what to say but I'm game and I want to spend the rest of the night with a constant physical reminder of what will occur after we leave together.

Time is of the essence though. I pull my skirt up around my waist and take my knickers off. I also take my shirt off and am already braless (this is fairly normal if I'm drunk, explanation another time). I sit on the edge of the tub and start lightly touching my own breasts and nipples. He takes his already mostly hard cock out of his jeans and slowly starts stroking it. He's standing in front of me as close to me as he can get. His pace picks up as one of my hands moves down to my waiting cunt. We're staring at eachother and within a few short minutes his cum is landing on breasts and stomach.

He puts his cock back in his jeans and leans down to kiss me. I haven't come yet but am perfectly happy with what has occured. As we kiss he rubs his cum over my skin a bit and tells me to put my shirt back on. I put the shirt back on over my cum covered torso. It's a bit uncomfortable but I'm not the least bit concerned. I pull my skirt back down, we wash our hands, kiss some more and leave. I try to go unnoticed to the room where my purse is so that I can put my kinckers in it, but a friend finds me there and asks what's going on. I just smile and tell her things are fine and I'll give her details over lunch tomorrow. She tells me that I better and we both rejoin the party.

So this is all great in theory but would I really do this? In the right conditions I totally think I would. In others I wouldn't even consider it. I saw this guy exactly one year later and reacted bad because I didn't recognize him and felt pretty stupid. Then he avoided me even when I wanted to talk to him. I would for sure consider playing this little episode out at a party I felt super confortable at and with a guy I felt the same way with.

But why you ask was I think about this while crafting in my flat. Well, you see the offer mentioned far above is tempting as hell and I'm avoiding it. Pretty much exactly what I'd do in real life. Why am I avoiding it? Because I'd like to do it in theory, but I'm wondering if the reality is ok. Not so much whether I really want to do it, because I do, but whether it's ok to. And it should be ok, but I'm preoccupied about how others will see accepting, and what it means in terms of who I am and all those other things. Maybe it's crossing a line into things that are too private for me. I'm not sure yet but I'm thinking about it.

Maybe it kind of highlights that I'm alone and have no one to do many of the things I want to with. I'm really not sure, but I'm try to sort it out. And if it keeps making me think about fantasies I haven't considered recently like the one with new years boy, I'm really quite happy just thinking about it.

Indluging Myself

Well this afternnon I feel more relaxed. Assignment one of 1 of 8 is complete and it feels good. I went to Sainsbury's this afternoon and picked up a few items of junk food and some fresh pasta and am just going to hang out at home tonight. I am crafting and doing some internet stuff. The music is on random and making me happy. I also have Heather Nova and Cat Power to add to my mix.

I also have to find a hotel or B&B in the center of cardiff for not too much money. I have several websites to catch up on as well and want to go to bed at a decent hour. Tomrrow I am going into the city to pick some things up and don't know about tomorrow night. If Victoria is interested in going out I might do that, otherwise I have a bunch of work to do for the next assignment that's due on Tuesday and just regular preparation stuff for next week.

Paul smelled good again today and I'm surprised I've never noticed it before because I sat next to him a lot before this. I don't mind though. It didn't distract me as much today but I think that's because my hunger and tiredness outweighed my arousal. Now that I've eaten and and gotten all cozy at home I have nothing to deter my energy. I'm still really tired but in a much more comfortable way than tired on campus. I feel like being touched today.

between somewhere

Im at home waiting for some space on the cooker to make dinner (tofu and veggie stirfry) and then finish the assignment due tomorrow. I've got half of it done and the other half should take another 2 hours or so. I know what I'm writing mostly, I just have to do it.

Today I was sitting in the fun lecture and we had a different instructor for whatever reason but that has nothing to do with the story, orther than we were all talking out of turn more than normal and giggling a lot more as well. Paul came in and sat beside me. Usually in this room he sits across from me (the tables are in a circle) but he was late and I sit near the door. He was trying to tell me something but I have a hard time understanding his accent sometimes and he was kind of mumbling becasue the instructor was talking. Anyways, I could smell cologne on him, which I've never noticed before and it was making me pretty hot. I'm usually not into cologne but I was today.

The weird thing was, it was not hot for him. I don't find him attractive and this didn't make a difference. So I'm sitting in class feeling that warm and familiar throb between my legs and it makes me really want to go hom and wank. It didn't make me want to jump him; it made me want to jump myself. Do I have a problem?

I'm a retard. I just burnt rice! I turned the wrong burner down after I added the rice to the boiling water and left the room only to have the rice promptly burn. I cook all the time and have been sicne I was about 12 years old. This is an abnormal and embarrasing thing for me to do.

Paying The Price

I am freaking stressed today. I just feel like no matter how much work iI get done I'll have tons more looming in the wings. I am anxiously awaiting the 18th of march when my break starts. I am also awaiting this Tuesday becasue then two things off my list will be done. I'm also having other stress about my job back home, taxes, student loans, which is not helping at all. I'm slowly but surely running out of money and I'm hungry. It's all bunch of shit really.

I've got three hours before two hours of lectures this afternoon and I should be working, but all I really want to do is curl up and craft. I actually need some new crafting stuff for some specific projects so I will go into the city this weekend. It'll also be a good break from the homework marathon that will end up being my weekend.

And if more things couldn't be going on, I'm horny as ever right now. I need to spend some quality time with myself and have no time for anything more than a stress-relief cum (read: short and mild) before bed. Friday night will be mine though. A little bit of CSI and some good food will create the proper environment.

I'm not even in a bad mood really. I'm feeling comfortable and friendly, which I'm happily surprised at. I guess I'm just feeling unfocused and more pressure than I want to be feeling. Next weekend, or maybe even Wednesday, will hopefully involve some drinking. I wouldn't however turn down a invite for this weekend.

I am going to find something cheap but proper to eat (ie. vegetables and not very processed) and start the 1000 word assignment that's due tomorrow for the fun lecture. I can't wait for 6:00 to roll around so I can go home though.

repetition

Well I'd like to describe what has so far been today as crap, but that would imply something actually bad happened. Nothing bad has happened really.

I woke up with horrible cramps that hd carried over from the late-night before. (It makes lots of sense why my body was telling me to stay home now) I grabbed the painkillers, of which I can only take one away and headed right for the bath. Feeling better I got through my seminar and a group meeting and hit the library. Basically I spent about three hours working in the library and feel like I got nothing done. I took out books, took some notes, found some articles, but really I feel no more prepared for another group meeting tomorrow with a different group. And the cramps had come back. I was also rediculously hungry because at about 2:00 I realized all I had consumed since I woke up was a yogurt mini-drink thing.

I am now at home in a sleeping dress (short, lowcut, stripes, stretchy) with a pillow, blanket and hot-water bottle, and in my comfortable chair. I've also washed my make-up off. I've got chips and mayo beside me and juice. The recent wilco CD is playing and the heat is on maximum. I want to be comfortable.

The groud was covered in a sheet of snow this morning and it has all melted, but is still on and off snowing. I have another book to read before noon tomorrow and some conclusions to draw. I also intend on going to the film quiz tonight and want to feel better by then.

feeling like a woman

I just spent my last hour doing an incredibly traditional female craft and listening to Joanna Newsom. I'm feeling nice and calm. I also ate leftovers from this weekend which were great and even my own recipe.

I was in the bath this afternoon and thinking. Well I wasn't really in the bath. You see, If I have a real bath it'll include bubbles and I'll say bubble bath. If I'm having a shower it's what a shower is. However, for me a bath is sitting in the tub with the shower on and just kind of pouring over you. Giant waste of water, I know, but really really nice. Anyways, I was thinking that I didn't really feel like going out tonight. I really want to see the film, but I was going to end up going alone so it's not a big deal if I don't cancel.

I've had an exciting day (awesome talk with an instructor and a parcel of gifts arrived) and feel super content and relaxed now. I have a bunch of reading to do and I could just hang out here. Get into bed nice and early, slowly and luxeriously bring myself to an orgasm or two and fall asleep. It's all kind of more apprealing than a film.

chairs and boys

I've got a meeting with an instuctor in a little while so I'm still on campus. I should be reading but I'm not. Obviously.

I have a very sore neck today. I could make it better by being less stressed out, but if you saw my workload for the next few weeks you would be tense too. I could also make it better by putting the proper chair infront of my desk instead of the comfortable arm chair I've been using, but then I'd not be sitting in the comfortable chair. I decided I'd rather stick with the comfortable chair and try to find someone to give me a massage instead.

I was in a queue today and I asw the young downstairs boy outside. I have come to a conclusion that I do not like him anymore and am prefectly content to remain friends. I've known he smokes since I met him, but it really turned me off today. It normally does, but it never bothered me with him. I think it's because my kitchen reeked of chicken and fish last night and it made me feel sick. Yes those are connected.

I've also decided that it was a big fucking waste of time to like him when I have no intention of acting on it (the ass grabbing and back rubbing was a drunken thing, not normal) and know that he isn't interested. Don't ask me how I know that, becasue I don't know how, I just do. I have to move forward in respect to this. I'm not too sure how but I have to do it because this is just getting silly.

I said I'd post about what I want in a guy. I will get to it soon. Maybe tonight or tomorrow. I've got work to do for tomorrow morning though and I'm seeing a film tonight so it doesn't leave tons of time. I've got to go and do some photocopying before this meeting and get something to eat. I also need to attempt to do some reasearch and it's not going well so far.

but so little time

My mood is good today and it has snowed and now it is pretty sunny. I almost didn't wear a coat when I left the house this morning and I'm very glad I did. I have tons of work to do tonight for my fun lecture in the morning and just tons of work in general to do. My workload is insane right now. Plus I want to have fun so I'm making sure to go out, which means more work in less time. Once I'm on spring break though most of the stuff I need to do for the term will be done so that'll be really nice.

So on top of al the work I have to do the next episode of CSI has finished downloading so I need to make time for that. ANd last night there was so much going on in my head I couldn't get to sleep. It's like I had to think everything out before I could sleep. It sucked and I was really tired this morning and surprised I was on time for my lecture.

I decided this morning as I lied in bed, that I think the reason I hate getting up in the morning is that I am so warm in my bed and it'll be so cold when I leave it. I usually don't wear anything to bed, which is one factor. Also it has been so dry in my room when I have the heater on over night I wake up with the dryest throat and it sucks. It's not a porblem getting to sleep with the heater off because I'm all cozy in my bed but in the morning it sucks.

There's my gripes for the day. I might be back if something interesting occurs to me.

how pure am I?

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evening out

This could be read one of two ways. That I spend the evening out, or that I am evening myself out. Well glance at the time of this post quickly and it is not the first. I talked with an old friend for the first time in around 2 years today, as well as another friend who might be visiting me for a few days in the spring. Also a bit of chant with the Artist, scotsman and Victoria.

I also did laundry, made a good and healthy dinner and returned my books. I didn't do any school work or go for a run. I read My Messy Bedroom today and it spoke to me. I have an inward and private sexual confidence, but it rarely is seen by others and is easily broken. I'm working on it.

It's weird because I flip from feeling like I have no friends to felling like I have a life more amazing than any I could have expected and I realized walking back from the library only the positive one is true. I have to keep working on my confidence and openness and all the good things that have been coming to me will continue to to to me.

I think this might mean I have to seriousy commit to running again and getting in better shape. I was watching Queer as Folk last night and Michael and Ben were making out and their backs were so muscular (without being gross and bulky though) and it was really hot. I am happy with my body as mine, but I am not happy about how I think it is seen. It really gives me a reason to feel badly about myself and it's something I can change. I can't change that I have emotional issues. I can't change that I am a bit perverse. But I can change how I feel about my body.

I know it sounds easy but I have these things holding me back that I know aren't rational and I have to get over them. First is that I kind of feel that by losing wieght I'm somehow caving into some crap beauty startard that I don't believe in and will never really fit into. I also have this worry that what if I lose weight and I'm still not "good enough". But all these things are just excuses and I have to move past them. I have changed a lot of things aboutmyself this year for the better and I must be able to do this. Of all the things I can do, this really should be one of the easier ones.

a morning in the life

Well I have been up for almost 5 hours. The extent of my activity was wanking, showering, looking up some London tube times to meet someone at Heathrow (which I can't do cause they arrive so early in the morning), telling VIctoria how to get to our local airport, sorting my email and eating a banana. Really a load of crap.

Last night during my conversation with the Artist he brought up an article that he had read written by a psychologist and an economist. The basic premise of the article was that we always overestimate how good a thing will make us feel and how badly a thing will burt us. I definately can see myself in the hurt part of this.

I may go out with Lily and some others today, and I have to return some books to the library and pick up one that is on hold for me. Other than that there are no plans for me. I might do laundry if I have the right coinage and Victoria seemed to express interest in going out tonight so if she wants to I'll probably go with her. It's kind of cloudy out and doesn't look warm, which sucks.

too giddy for my own good

I'm at home alone eating caesar salad. (secret: dry lettuce and freeze it for about 5 minutes before putting on the dressing) I'm messaging both the Artist and Lily. We are having fun and I am laughing aloud at the computer. I am feeling pretty good now and I might even go running tomorrow. We'll see. I am going to finish my salad and watch the gilmore girls. Then go into my bed and wank myself to sleep.

Prettiness

Today I feel like everyone around me is coupled. Well not quite true but whatever. I was walking into campus and I saw Elliot halding hands with a girl. As I was walking down some stairs to leave my lecture I saw a guy in my lecture kissing a girl. That's really all the evidence I have and it make a shitty case but there it is. I don't even remember what it's like and I can't see myself in it. Not much more to say there.

In my fun lecture I was in a small discussion group with class clown. The same one as last week actually when I was swearing at him. While the prof basically had something else to do so wasn't in the room while we were in our groups and we got crap done as usually and just chatted with each other about all kinds of stuff. I noticed class clown looking at me several times but he could have just been looking past me becasue he was sitting opposite me at the table.

We also had a discussion about how girls will never say another girl is ugly when asked but will say something like "Well I think she's pretty". Comapre this to boys who will say a friend of theirs is ugly when asked about it. So my position that girls will only do this if the girl in question is their friend because we have a hard time seeing our friends as ugly. We will only say a girl is pretty if she is stunnin g and what I would call "magazine pretty" which isn't as bad as it sounds at all.

But the thing I kept thinking while this was happening was whether I was the girl who is only pretty to her friends. It was kind of depressing. There's another girl in my group who is really pretty and the other girl is also pretty but less womanly about it, you could say. So ya, classclown was possibly looking at me and I was trying to decide if he thought I was ugly or not. That's awful.

I'm feeling better than yesterday but I've got to spend much of tomorrow in the library and I am not feeling particularly sociable. That's not ture, I'm would go out but don't fell that anyone wants me too. I've got to get over this whole "I suck" phase. It's really not good for me at all.

It's my fault.

well I'm feeling more depressed and more sick as the day wears on. I would like to go to SAinsbury's but I don't really feel comfortable going out on my own right now (hence no lectures). I called Victoria to see if she would like to walk with me but she's not home and I left a voicemail.

When the Artist broke up with me I was a mess. I spent a good several days crying. It happened while my mother who liked him a lot was on Holidays and right at the end of summer break. I went back to school and friends were asking about him and I just couldn't talk about it. I told a few people and they took care of making sure people knew so I wouldn't have to talk about it. I slowly got sloser with a few people as I didn't spend lots of time with my friends outside of schhol becasue I was either dancing, working or spending time with the artist, who lived about 1 hour away from me and was also working and going to school.

As a large part of my sexuality developed with him I faced a very real problem of not feeling that it was mine. It took me a good several months to get over him, get my own life re-established, get my sexuality revived and figure out who I was on my own. Through out all this I was still working through depression and anxiety. I almost quit school six months before graduating. I was having problems at dance/work becasue of my injury and conflict with my choreographer. I ended up only in classes every second day and helping plan our graduation on the other day. By the end of the year I had way more friends than I ever had before and was doing quite well. I really didn't want to date anyone becasue I was really enjoying my life as it was.

This continued for a long time. I dated a tiny bit when someone else showed interest but nothing that went anywhere and I never expected it to. I changed jobs, I moved out of my moms, I shifted friends a bit, hosted some great parties, but had continuing problems with my anxiety. It was New Years eve of 2001 that made me decided I that I was actually ready to be looking for people. I made out with a boy who continually persisted all night and he wanted to come home with me but I had a friend sleeping at mine and It wasn't appropriate. I gave him my number and then never heard from him. About three weeks later I found out he had told his sister (who was friends with my friends) we had slept together. His hands never even went below my fucking waist. I was flattered that he wanted to sleep with me but everyone believed me more than him.

The reason they believed me is that it didn't sound like me. Many of them were surprised I had even made out with him. None of my friends had ever seen me even really interested in someone because I hadn't been in so long. I also started to realize I didn't know how to do any of it. The flirting, the dating. It was like I was 14 years old, and even then I didn't really care about boys.

Also, as the anxiety progressed it made me worrid about being in a relationship. Would someone want someone with so many issues? I have a chronic mental disability. That's putting in it drastic terms because it's very controlled now, but in essence it's true.

The core of it is I'm scared. I'm scared that someone is going to decide it's too much for them and I'll have to start again. I also have this great life and someone would have to fit in it. I'm moving to another continent in 6 months and then in two years want to move back here. They have to like my friends. They have to not be jealous that all of them have touched and/or seen my tits. The only people I ever really like are people I don't really know or know that there's nothing that will ahppen. It's low risk.

There was map boy. I met him and he lived in my living room in Canada for two weeks. I never thought I'd see him again and I liked him a lot. I could fantacize all I wanted because I'd never see him again. Then I get an email once I'm here and he has returned early and lives a 30 minute train ride from me. We saw each other several times and got along great and I liked him. He even got along well with some of my friends. I tried to get over it, but couldn't. There was the problem that he would be leaving again, but I have been a bit of new person since being here and decided I would go for it anyways. We had plans to see each other for drinks and a film before I went to the continent for 3 weeks. He said he'd call me the night before to confirm what time he'd be picking me up.

I left him a drunk email over the wekend that included me saying I was going to miss spending time with him once he left and what film I wanted to see that week. I never heard from him again. I left two voicemails on spearate days asking him to call and let me know what, if anything, was going on becasue I knew he was busy with a new job and I didn't hear a thing. This was hard on me. It really undermined the little boy-confidence I had developed.

I'm going to stop now becasue this is long and depressing. Today is a day where I want to cry and be held and there's no one to do any holding. And the idea of finding someone who would be willing to do it, when I really have no reason to be crying, it's just sort of involuntary seems impossible. And this isn't an aspect of my personality I can change. Ya, it's not as bad as today as you have witnessed, but it happens and I can't just avoid it. Everytime I tell someone and then that person leaves my life, doesn't matter what capacity they were in it, I have a really hard time. And I really need to keep myself as happy as I can and they conflict.

dreams and toys

I'm still feeling a little down today. Maybe that the clouds and rain have returned and that I had two weird dreams. While three weird ones but two of them worry me as bit.

So the first dream involved a lot of stuff. Up until a few years ago I was a dancer and had been since I was a young child. I stopped because with work and stuff I couldn't commit the time I needed to and an injury I had had not healed very well. So in the dream I was in the dance studio where I spent tons of my time. There were other people there and the mood was happy but I don't recall much else. Then I remember being on a crowded train. It was more a public transit type train than a long distance train in appearance, but we had been travelling a long time. I was talking to a guy about dance, becasue he danced as well and was really quite good, but had very little formal training. So I was telling him about some of the training I had with slightly famous dancers and he kept getting closer to me. And soon, as I was talking, our lips were touching really lightly and I could feel his breathing. He started to kiss me and I didn't pull away, but I kind of resisted by continuing to try to talk. I wanted to kiss him but I was nervous. He then put a hand on my waist and told me too relax and I kind of did and stopped talking and started kissing him.

Then I heard the anoucement that our stop was next. we stopped kissing and I got off thinking he was behind me. I walked through the station and when I got in the queue for something I realized he was not with me and I couldn't find him anywhere. I also knew he had never been where we were before or how to get where we were going. Next thing I remember is sitting in the parking lot of a gass station that is right near the dance studio. It's night time and a few other people are sitting with me. We're all watching something and the ground is hardwood rather than concrete, but we're still outside the gas station. Then the boy I was kissing comes up beside me and sits down, not saying anything so as to not interrupt whatever we were doing. He write his phone number down on a piee of paper and hands it to me. I do the same but write but my UK and Canadian numbers down for him.

The next dream actually occured before the last one I think, or maybe even within it, I was trying to cook my favorite meal but I was doing it in the mmicrowave which would be impossible. I ran out of an igredient I really needed and was concerned about what I was going to do.

I woke up and check my email and stuff about now, but realized I was still tired so I went back to bed. This dream involved going to get my hair cut. I'm really confused about how this one went, but I went to go get my hair cut and I told them what I actually wnt in really life. The women looked and criticized my colour a bit, which I agree with, my colour needs to be touched up. Then she statred cutting my hair. Halfway through I saw myself in a mirror (she kept moving me around in my chair so I couldn't see the mirror) she has completely ignored what I said. My hair is like Uma Thurman's in Pulp Fiction. Pretty, but not on me. I freak out and the laugh asking what's wrong and saying that it looks good. I am crying and yelling and I can't understand why she did exactly what I didn't want and that I don't care how it looks.

Then a man who works at the salon get's me to calm down and I show him all my make-up (don't know why I had it with me) but it's in the same case I keep it all in, but the case has become the size of a suitcase and also includes a bunch of my clothes. Eventually I realize it's getting late and I ask him to just finish my hair cut so I can leave. I'm also irritated that he's opening all my eye shadows and putting his fingers on them. He says he won't finish my cut because I don't like it. I start to cry and well again because I'd rather have a finished cut I hate, than my hair half cut. I eventualy sorm out with all my stuff and all the employees are laughing at me like I'm totally unreasonable and silly. As as I leave I started to hope it's all a dream and trying to convince myself it must be becasue I would never let anyone do this to my hair. It's felt so real though and I was seeing people I know and I start to cry again because I have short hair anf fring and it's awful. Then I wake up.

So that's that. Boy anxiety that seems to turn out well and hair anxiety that goes horribly wrong.

As for the toys, I think I'm going to get one fo the rippled plugs and maybe even the smartballs too. I've wanted them for a while. I'm in no rush right now, especially considering my mood has my libido a bit dormant. I've also decided I am not feeling good enough, physically or mentally to go to lectures today. I't sbad, but I need to stay in.

No such luck

Last Night: Went to Lily's. Walked to town. Shared a bottle of wine. Had some chips. Found the bar. Stood in the queue. Foundout it would be over 30 minutes before we got in. Left queue. Went to another bar. It was very different from the place we were going and I felt I was dressed wrong which was stupid. Didn't drink. Danced. Met a darling friend, Politics Boy, and danced more. Talked to a friend of his from Cambridge. Got to see him and Politics boy kiss which was hot. Got more confuesed of Politics Boy's sexuality. Left bar. Slept at Lily's. In the morning, walked to town with Lily. Ate pasties. Bought shoes. Window shopped. Took scotsman lunch. Bought sweater. Came home and showered.

Today I am not feeling super confident. Basically it's because of how I feel around the downstairs boys. I invited them to the film tonight and maybe dancing afterwards but I don't think they are coming. I'm sure I'm taking that too personally but I feel like they don't like me. I know they do becasue they often come out with me and often they are the ones doing the inviting. We'll see how things continue. I might be taking it too personally because I kind of like the young one. I also think I get insecure about it because when the three of us talk, somtimes young one just listens and it's me and coupled one talking. But today I went down to their flat and coupled one wasn't home so me and young one talked and it was fine. Who knows.

I'm also kind of feeling like I'm getting a bit sick. There's a group going dancing tonight and I told Politics Boy I'd be going but I'm not so sure. It also depends on if Victoria comes to the film and if she wants to go out. Lily's already decided against going out tonight. It was likely I would see stripedcoat tonight but he will not be coming due to a paper he needs to write. I also have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow before lectures. We'll see.

But aside from all those things, I did promise some pictures didn't I? (I also mentioned in the comments about what I'm looking for in a guy and will post about that sometime soon.) The list below is not just anal stuff, but that's the focus.

1. Smartballs

2. Friendly Felix

3. Standard Butt Plug

4. Standard Butt Plug 2

5. Ripple Butt Plug

6. Ripple Butt Plug 2

7. Mini Vibrator

I've got to run and get dressed and put make-up on so I can't check the links (how unprofessional of me) but they should all be ok. If they aren't I'll fix them when I get home.

So Dedicated

Well Lily called earlier and we are going out tonight. We're going to a place I've never been and I'm not really going to drink but still going out. that does however mean that I am going to put up some links to pictures of possible purchases now. You can comment about which I should pick, or even suggest other things, but in the end I'm buying whatever I want.

Crap, I just got a call from Lily and they want me to come mow. So off I go without giving you pctures.I will give you a few answers to questions left in the comments on the last post. You ask and I shall answer (well usually).

Now assuming you'll be purchasing said toy for anal play, I guess that means you'll be going with a smaller model? More or less yes. For now at least.

Do you find it enjoyable?Yes. Yes, I do.

Have you ventured there with a partner? Yes, my dabble might be anothers frequency.

Have you used a vibrator with a partner? No only because last time I was sleeping with someone I had no vibrator.

Have you ever masturbated for a lover and let them watch?Yes, but not with a vibrator. I have been on the watching side as well - I really like being there.

Pictures late tonight or tomorrow though, I promise. Unless I get laid and am too busy. (Ha!)

A Brief Introduction

Sex, sex, sex. That's what's going to be here today. Turn away now.

1. I have become a snob when it comes to quality. No jelly that gets dirty eaasily and is hard to clean. No seams on plastic.

2. I heart Silicone. Really. It's firm, but not hard, warms up, vibes well.

3. I am happily obsessed with lube. I like silicone lubes for sex but it's a no-go with silicone toys so I am all about the water based ones. That's actually why I am buying a new toy right now, I need lube and I want something specific that I need to order online.

4. I am not a habitual self-penetrator. I will do it sometimes, and do like it, but never to the point of orgasm.

5. The vibe I currently have is my 3rd one. It is the only one I still have I really like it. It is the first one I have that is really made for penetration, but I bought it cause it was pretty (Bright Blue) and silicone. It appears that since I bought it it has been discountinued so I tried really hard to find a picture but couldn't. I love the company though in general (Fun Factory) and I did find a drawing of it on the website of one of the best sex toy companies in the world (I hold them responsible for my quality standards). If you click (here and scroll to the first picture, mine's "dot" on the far right.

6. I like ass play but have only mildly dabbled. That's where the new toy will likely be used though.

7. I over-paid the rent for my place here because I paid from Canada since I didn't have a bank account here yet so I am getting a cheque for 75.00 pounds in the next few days. That is going to pay for the vibe and my new shoes (in black and pink rather than red and white).

8. I am hungry (I need to start eating more than yogurt and an orange before 2:00 on days I wake up for 9:00 lectures) and then I have to do more school work and I will be back.

killing time

So I really should be doing stuff for school right now. I am in the library waiting for another library to open in over an hour. I will do some work though before I leave. I was going to go buy shoes today, but I'm tired (what's new) and don't feel like going into the city.

But what I am here to post about is why I'm not getting laid. In way that is a choice for me and it's because I'm not in a relationship or even dating anyone. So for me, the real question is why am I not in a relationship. But that is something I'm not going to into at the moment. What I am going to continue to explain here now is why I consider myself to be making a decision to not get laid because even I see why people think it's a silly decision.

Also, while I don't think casual sex works for me (I can't say for absolute certain becasue I've never done it) I don't think it's bad in theory. I have friends who have regularly partiipated in it. Some had no problems, some had problems immediately and some had problems later. I really think it dependins on the person adn the exact situation.

1. I like to know the people I'm sleeping with. Like not just their name and where they work or whatever, but know some things about who they are and what they think. In a way, and to a degree, I think if you know a bit about the personality of a person, you're going to have better sex. Obviously that's not universally true though.

2. I am really reserved with new people and I don't want to be reserved while having sex. I'm just shy and cautious. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to regret sleeping with someone. To make sure those things don't happen I have to know and like someone. I will seldomly be comfortable with a person after one meeting even in terms of having a conversation, no matter sleeping with them and being my somewhat-dirty self.

3. Here's some of the insecurity reasons. It is always said that girls can always get laid but here's the thing. What if I try and I can't? I mean holy fucking shit, imagine what that would do to my self-esteem. I mean I know I'm not perfect looks-wise, but I know I'm not awful. But if I couldn't get laid while trying to offer that with no strings that would be fucking sad.

4. I also don't want to be someone that a boy decides to hook up with in the middle of the end of the night while drunk and horny. It's like being a consolation prize. They couldn't find anyone they actually liked but want to like laid so they just pick anyone. I don't want to be the girl chosen by that guy. I don't respect that guy.

5. I'm surprisingly not that sexually frustrated. I mean yes I wanted to get laid (see many drunk entries) but not just to cum and them move one, which is really how I see casual sex. It's very selfish (not neccessarily bad) for both people involved and I can be that selfish without involving someone else. I want to have sex I want it to be multi-dimensional. (Again exceptions to this and yes, I know that can happen in relationships too, but it's not what I want for myself.)

Before I go I want to emphasize, that while lots of this might sound judgemental it's really not. I understand it in theory, but I have seen some very bad situations in practice, so I do admit to being a bit hesitant in terms of respect but it all depends on the person and how they deal with it on their own terms.

Well that's some of what I think about this whole isse. I am starving but I don't want to buy lunch on campus. I want to go to the CD libaray and then get home and eat. I also have to check my bank balance. I'm concerned about money.

Neverending Story

I forgot how long it takes me to do homework for this subject. I am tired, but I've barely done any translating for the 35 lines I'm supposed to have prepared to tomorrow. I've read it several times and I've looked up the many words I didn't know so at least I can muddle my way through it tomorrow. I mean I just basically looked up words in the dictionary for almost an hour and a half. I've also read an english version of the passage which makes it easier. I kind of forgot I had to do this and I neglected it this weekend. It looks really bad considering how crap I did last term.

But here I am posting here anyways. I'm not going to say much becuse I am very tired and want to go to bed. I have three things to post on in the next few days and I am going to note them here so I don't forget.

1. Why I'm not getting laid - fear, insecurity, self-preservation, wanting more than sex, knowing I'm moving.
2. Purity Test results - general results plus results from each category and maybe a few choice specifics.
3. A new toy - I want one and can only afford one but can't decide what I want. I have it narrowed down to 3 or 4 options.

By the way, The Black Eyed Peas song called Where is the love is so distracting when you're trying to do work cause it just makes you want to dance. AS with many tracks from the recent Polyphonic Spree album.

Happy Valentines Day

Well I may not be getting laid (big fucking surprise) but I'm enjoying myself. My typing has been atrocious today. I'm sorry.

I made a veggie burger for dinner tonight and it was awesome. I don't have them very often and always forget how much I like them. I had chips and gravy too. Now I've settled into the comfortable chair that I moved from the window to in front of my desk a few weeks ago. Not really good for my back but super cozy. I've got a blanket and a pillow, tea and jaffa cakes, as well. I'm going to watch some of the current season of American Idol that I downloaded (such a quilty pleasure) and some more of The Office.

Then I have to do some translation work for my lecture in the morning. Tomorrow I am geoing to buy new shoes (yay!) and on wednesday I'm going to get my hair cut I think. Also going to the film society on Wednesday night which should be fun, especially if followed by dancing.

Today shouldn't be much different than any other day. You should always love your partner, your family (well there can be exceptions here), you friends, your pets (not in that way) and yourself. If you don't, start today and continue to do so everyday.

I don't like mornings

Well I repeatedly rolled over this morning whacking the snooze button to turn the alarm off and wondered why I had turned the alarm on on a Sunday. It wasn't until I had to leave my flat in about 15 minutes that I realized it was Monday and my lecture had the potential to be really interesting and I'm trying not to miss lectures this term. My vibrator kept turning on as I was rolling over and was no encouragement to get out of bed. But I did finally do so.

My shoes are so trashed as they have been through the wash twice, through mud at eazst three times and were worn everyday in Both London and Italy where I spent most of my days walking. They are covered in mud now, but there is no way they'll survive another time in the wash. This means tomorrow I have to go buy new shoes. I do have other shoes, but no other trainers and I can't wear ballet flats oor flip flops every day. It also means I have to decide on buying the same ones I have no becasue they are cheap and comfortable, or the ones I realy want that are over my budget. I'll get it sorted.

I'm really tired today. I was up later than I should have been. I could go home and nap as I have over two hours before my next lecture but I have reading to do, as well as other studying. I can't find an article my instructor recommended for my papar and it's pissing me off. I watched 3 episodes of The Office last night. Good and I like how it's done, but I'm not sure if I'll get season 2. I mean it's just not great like so many have said. I'm going to keep watching this season though.

I had several dreams last night but I have forgot them all. I might get images of them later as I often do. You know, something jogs your memory and things come back. I'm thinking of the young downstairs boy more than I woud like to but there you go. I'm worried that if I go to read now I'll just end up sleeping in the library. Ok, I'm sorry this is boring but one last thing. It is beautiful out today. Clear blue sky, a crisp breeze, not too cold. Really gorgeous.

the morning after

Well I'm slowly remembering things that happened last night but I have a gap of about 30 minutes where I have no idea what was going on or even where I was. I really think my last post is very indicative of how much fun things were. All I know is that before I leave this place I am going to make it through all 14. Coupled downstairs boy also said some very nice things to me when we were playing pool in the dark which was good. I have a burn on my foot from rolling around with the downstairs boys and the girlfriend in their kitchen. It's like a surface burn, not a heat burn. (by the way, my arm is healing up.)

I'm also happy with the way things went with young downstairs boy. We spent a bunch of time on our own, I got to grab his ass, hold hands with him, smell his hair and lean up against him. No real action, but it was still good. Baby steps I guess. I was rubbing his back while he was in bed and I was waiting for the other downstairs boy and he said it was really nice. I'm not reading anything into it though because he was smashed.

I'm going to go have a bath now and then go to Sainsbury's before it closes. I have nothing to eat here really. I am then going to return and finally watch the office. I will also likely go to help find young downstairs boy's wallet at some point.

oh what a night

This evening fucking kicked so m uch ass it was fucking awesome. I know the downstairs boy who has no girlfriend is not into me, but we totally had crazy fun. It included running through and rolling in the mud because we couldn't stand up. The yound downstairs boy and the girlfriend both passed out but the coupled downstairs boy and I ended up trying to go to a house party and instead playing pool in an empty bar that was somehow not locked. I didn't get to all the bars. I think 12 this time, which is one more than last. I love my life and I love my friends. I just want to get laid among it all.

I'm going to have to get up in the AM to help the youn g downstairs boy find in wallet becasuse somewhere in between the last bar (which him and I never got into) he lost it and I promised to help look for it because there was no way we were going to find it tonight. Craziness. The whole thing. but lovliness. I just really need to get laid. I would go wank now, but sometimes when I'm this drunk it's simply and exercise in frustrtion because I don't have the motor skills to do it. But oh, wsill I fucking try. and then I will sleep with the vibe between my legs. did I say how much I love my life?

I definately made it clear that I WOULD HOOK UP WITH THE YOUNG DONWSTAIRS BIOY BUT NOTHING WA RETURNED. IT COULD HAVE BEN BBECAUSE HE WAS TOO DRUNK, BUT IT WAS MORE THAN IKELY BECASUE HE. fuck, I had caps lock on. fuck. well it was mostly because I think he wasn;t interested. Wednesday is the next night out, but don't know if it's going to be this. I have left a message with Victoria saying I hope she had funa nd got home asafe as we got separated at the last bar.

One last time: I fucjing love my life and I want to get fucking laid by a fucking brit. And I will not edit now or in the fucking am. I hope you all don't fucking care. you can decode, I need this to look back on.

calm before the storm

My day is off to a late start but I had a really nice long bath and tidied my room. I really need a massage because my back, shoulders and neck are tense and sore. I didn't watch the office last night but I will soon.

I'm feeling better about everything that happened and resulted from stripedcoat. I was talking to the artist last night and he wanted to know what was going on and I kind of explained it, but I didn't really feel comfortable talking to him about it. He said I should, and I know I should but when it comes to discussing the parts of me that has problems with boys I don't want to confide in my ex, no matter how good of terms we're on now. Good stuff about boys I have no problem with but it's the bad stuff that's difficult. But about stripedcoat, Lily said he doesn't seem to remember much and isn't the type to let something like that disrupt a friendship or potential one. I'm cool with that because we were getting a long really well.

Tonight is the campus bar crawl, but it's raining which sucks. I'm going to wait until Victoria gets home from work this evening to see if it's still raining and if we'll go ahead. The problem with the rain is that we walk from bar to bar and it would not be fun if it were raining I don't think. We could always just stay at our bar and then go to the main campus one. Or something else. I was looking forward to hanging out with the downstairs boys because I haven't in a while.

I need to go eat something and tidy my desk. I'm feeling a bit low today. Not sure why as things are good so I hope I perk up a bit. Maybe I'll watch some office today.

events of the past

I'm warning you all now that this is going to be long, really long (4 pages in word). crap loads of stuff to ponder. Get a drink and some snacks. I recommend Sainsbury's Sweet Thai Chili crisps, but you're free to make up your own mind.

Where to start. You know it's probably not all that exciting, and not the kind of excitement I hoped to be able to report. First, off I'm going to start giving people descriptive names as it's easier. I'll leave the ones so far as is but new people will get descriptive ones. And I'm going to keep track of the songs that are playing while I write.

THURSDAY

6:30: I get to Lily's house early. She has been having a stressful time lately and starting to have panic attacks. I know what that's like so we were going to talk. We ended up meeting some people at a bar about the Uni film club Lily runs and I'm in.

(currently on iTunes: Sweet Euphoria by Chris Cornell)

7:30: We start drinking. Three bottles of wine will be empty by the time we leave her house. We're watching news about Charles and Camilla and looking a magazine. We head downstairs and make me some pasta because I came straight to hers from lectures.

9:00: Lily's scotsman and two of his friends arrive, cheapdrunk (girl) and stripedcoat (boy). Lily and I put make-up one while talking about music and Tarot cards and such. Cheapdrunk has a crush on scotsman and from what I've heard is pretty irritating and has very little personality that is actually her's. I know nothing of stripedcoat, but first impressions are good.

10:00: We arrive at the bar and go in. Another one of their friends, Dakota (girl), is already there. I get a drink immediately (vodka and orange). It will be the first of maybe 8 in the next few hours. I really only need two or three on top of all the wine, but others are buying them for me so I don't turn them down. The guest DJ is a girl and really good so we're just hanging out until the band starts. cheapdrunk proves to me little more than what I was warned and I am not impressed at all.

(currently on iTunes: Ilfracombe by Hawksley Workman)

Later: Bartender knocks over my freshly poured drink and it gets all over my shirt.

Later: First band starts and it pretty good. Lead singer was pretty cute. stripedcoat and I are talking more. I find out he is gay and also thinks the lead singer is good. I find out he's hoping this guy he selpt with a while ago will show up.

Later: I tell scotsman that I am glad we're getting along because the first time we met (before they were dating) I left him unimpressed because I didn't flatter his hometown but said it was "too far north and struck me as dark" the next time I saw him I ran into him and Lily on the road and we talked for a bit, but I just talked to Lily and felt rude. Things are good now and I guess because we're both pretty shy it took some time.

Later: Stripedcoat and I start talking about gender identity and stuff but it's really loud (band is over but DJ is back on) so we go to the stairwell and start talking. We're totally getting along and it's fun. Our conversation is all about having to define sexuality and how fluid it really is and anyone can be attracted to both genders in different ways and amounts, but it doesn't mean they want to sleep with, or have relationships with both genders. we totally agree on stuff. I'm not sure where dakota is at this point, but we were also getting along well.

(currently on iTunes: Music when the lights go out by The Libertines)

Later: The second band has started and Lily has found us. We go back into the main room and watch the band they are good. Female lead singer which I think is super cool. Stripedcoat gets me to try his bourbon and I am not impressed and I chase it with my vodka and orange. They are taking me about 5 minutes each to drink. He goes to buy me another and comes back with two, one is gin because he forgot what I asked for. I can't tell the difference between them, but I love gin too, so I drink them both.

(currently on iTunes: You've been Flirting Again, remixed by Bjork)

Later: we're dancing and striped coat comes up to me. Full of sex in his actions he puts his arm around my waist and leans into my ear and says "I really want to kiss you right now, but I have a feeling you wouldn't let me." I don't really know what I did but Lily later told me that she saw us move apart from each other oddly and stripedcoat walk away, and she wonder what had happened. I remember then leaning against the wall, with my hands in my head and saying that I fucked up and embarrassed myself. Lily want to know what happened, but I just said I needed another drink. She said to look for cheapdrunk who we hadn't seen in a while.

(currently on iTunes: Apologies to Insect Life by British Sea Power)

Later: I am looking for cheapdrunk and I eventually find her by the said of the bar ordering a drink. I leave her there and then some time passes. I go back to the bar to get a drink and she's still there but she looks like she's not in good shape. She has a drink in her hand, and I ask what it is. She says something I can't understand so I have some and it's thankfully just water. I tell her to keep drinking it and I get another glass of it with my own drink. I eventually sit her down and tell her to drink all the water. I'm kind of irritated with her, so I'm swearing a lot - "drink that fucking water and don't stop until that glass is fucking empty" and that sort of thing.

(currently on iTunes: Maggie's Farm by Rage Against the Machine)

Next: I want to have more fun and the DJ is back on and I find dakota on the dance floor and we dance for a bit. I go back with a new glass of water to cheapdrunk and Lily and the scotsman are worried because she's starting to pass out and not drinking the water. She also can't really talk and can't at all keep her head up. I'm pissed at this point because I want to be having fun and not taking care of some girl who doesn't know her drinking abilities. I'm also getting worried because I can't find stripedcoat and I feel awful about it. I drag cheap drunk to the toilets where I proceed to put her head in the sink and make her drink and pour cold water on her head when she refuses. I'm swearing even more now and telling her I'm going to kick her ass if she doesn't keep drinking the water. People in the toilets are a bit freaked out but are supportive of what I'm doing. I also somehow broke a wine glass in one of the skins through out this.

(currently on iTunes: No, Not Now by Hot Hot Heat)

Meanwhile: Dakota has phoned stripedcoat and found out he's left and I think it's my fault when I find out.

Next: I've sobered cheap drunk up and we find Lily and the scotsman who want to leave, so we all leave to find striped coat. We get the the main square of the city and Stripedcoat tells us via mobile he'll get home on his own. I talk to him and he has no idea where he is, other than by a church. I find out he left not because of me but because this other guy didn't show up. I feel better and I hear him get in a taxi so we end the phone call.

(currently on iTunes: Walking in my Shoes by Depeche Mode)

Meanwhile: Lily has started to have a panic attack and is scared and understandably wants to get to her home. Dakota leaves to get back to hers. Lily is freaked out and her scotsman was worried. I did something which I probably shouldn't have and I gave her one of my tranquilizers. It's a quick active under-the-tongue sedative. She calms down and I talk her though the rest of the attack. We get in a taxi and go back to hers.

2:00: She's settled by the time we get there but the sedative is working and she's tired and other associated things. Cheapdrunk gets a taxi to go back to hers. I give lily and the scotsman some info, the name and dose of the pill I gave her and some parting panic related tidbits and leave them be. I go sleep in one of her flatmates rooms because she's out of town and said it was ok. I feel asleep feeling dizzy and my ears experiencing all kinds of crazy noises that weren't really happening.

(currently on iTunes: Onliest by Feist)

FRIDAY

9:00: I wake up with a killer headache. I lay in bed for a while before getting up. when I finally do get up I almost fall over and realize I'm still drunk. I get some water from the kitchen and look in the mirror. The beautiful black and turquoise make up that looked great the night before has smudged considerably and I decide I can't go to lectures without going home first.

10:00: I get on the wrong fucking bus to get home because I was stupid and drunk and headachy. I get as close to I can to where I'm going and walk for 20 minutes to get to my flat. The sun was bright and I wasn't really going in a straight line. The air was probably god for me though.

(currently on iTunes: Margaret by Jill Sobule)

1:00: My fun lecture was a disaster. I couldn't do anything, and we were doing technical stuff about poetry and meter (not in english either!). I was put in a group with the classclown and I had to explain modern piercing and we barely got anything of what we were supposed to be doing done. Another girl in our group had drank too much the night before too. We were also being loud and I kept swearing at the clown and being very unlike who I usually am in lectures.

2:00: I walked down the hill instead of up it to get to my next lecture because I'm totally out of it. I was 10 minutes late.

(currently on iTunes: Last Night by The Strokes)

3:00: I run into the class clown walking home and we walk together cause we live right near to each other. I apologize for swearing at him and he says he liked it. He asks why I always sit where I do in the room and it's because I like being near the door. He says it's because I like Elliot. I say that's not the case because he's too young and he doesn't drink. He didn't know he didn't drink but says he heard a rumour that Elliot met his girlfriend on the internet. He says it like it's a bad thing and I say gently that it's not that bad but chose not to reveal that I met an ex (the Artist) online. Then he says how people in chat rooms who look for sex are perverted and how he will pretend to be a girl. Then he says that he'll tell them they were wanking of to a guy. I say that's mean and he says they deserve it for being perverts and I said they are only really perverts if he's pretending to be a 12 year old girl. He says he'll do that next time. We talk about our plans for the weekend and he has a date on Saturday. He doesn't want to relationship with this girl, but hopes he'll get some action for the night. I say that good every once in a while and he says it's good as often as possible. We part.

(currently on iTunes: Starla by Smashing Pumpkins)

Later: I eat for the first time since yesterday. A veggie dog with hot English mustard, bbq sauce and mayo.

So there was the stuff. I guess there's two things really that are still rolling around in my head. The first is easier to deal with.

Conversation with class clown shows me that there are people who are totally out of sync with my life and it's realities. Meeting someone online is not that weird or bad. Wanking with someone online is not weird or bad. Maybe I'm more perverted and defective than I think. I don't think that's the case though. I know I have tons of things that I like sexually that would be considered weird but I'm not hurting anyone, or even acting on a lot of it. It makes me feel old, when really I'm just open and experienced.

(currently on iTunes: Stop! In the name of Love by Diana Ross and the Supremes)

Second thing bother me. That's what stripedcoat said. First I can't get a fucking straight guy to hit on me that directly, but a guy one does it after knowing me for 3 hours? What the fucking fuck? Second thing is what the fuck did "but I have a feeling you won't let me" mean? really? What the fuck? do I need to ask again?

I thought about it and you know what, I wouldn't have. If he was straight, I still wouldn't have. I don't know why. That's a big problem for me. And then, how did he know? What about me gave that impression? I'm kind of upset about it mostly because I don't know what it is or how to fix it. I have some work to do.

(currently on iTunes: I can't catch you by Sixpence None The Richer)

That's it for all of you who stuck through this. See not exciting in the way I hoped. I feel good today mostly though. I am glad for the night out and when I wasn't dealing with crisis I had fun. A bit of the release I needed.

I'm still drunk

I seriously just don't know how to say aything. It's currently 14 hours after I started drinking, I just got home about 30 minutes ago and I'm still drunk. Just a bit, but certainly still. So much happened last night but I just don't know about anything. I think that I should think it was a bad night, but I feel good despite the fact that I have the most retarded headache, drinking water makes me feel sick, and the bright turquoise eyeshadow I wore last night has smudged to where it should not be. I'm actually happy and smiling somehow.

I slept at Lily's and checked me email when we got in, quite early actually at 1:30 or so. Another weird friendster email. This time from a 32 year old with not much skill in typing an email. It wasn't as creepy as the last two, but if you want to impress me, don't use crappy teenage abbreviations and prove in an email that you might be able to hold your half of a conversation.

I promise that today, after lectures, I will write a detailed account of last night. I just can't do it right now. I honestly don't feel like I can do a lot right now. But I'm happy as...something happy. a peach? is that the saying? And I made at least one new friend, most likely two.

I can not express it

Today is great. I am smiley and happy and all those other things. Picture me (or what you think I look like) jumping up and down in my hallway with excitement and laughing. All over an american magazine. It's just so easy to make me happy sometimes. I am too excited even to read the book I've been trying to read for days and am just going to return it and make another request for it. I'd rather read the magazine.

I guess this is pretty non-exciting for you though. The downstairs boys are going to be coming on the pub crawl with us on Saturday. I need to give them names, because it's hard to refer to them as individuals. James will be the young one from the south, that I was temporarily interested in and Jack will be the other one. He has a girfriend, Jill, who will be here this weekend (She lives in London) so she will come too. She's really nice and her family lives in Vancouver too, which is neat.

And then there's tonight with Lily. I'm going over early to start drinking. we have three bottles of wine, but will likely only drink two before we leave. Although neither of us has much restraint when it comes to drinking so who knows. I'm very excited about the bands and the dancing. I'm really just excited about everything. This is what happens when I don't go out for a long time.

I just can't hide it

Well a real dinner never happened because left over couscous was easier than cooking and the ambition to read was lost after about 10 pages. I have tomorrow I guess. I was going to curl up at my desk and watch The Office instead but that didn't happen either. Now it's about 11:00 and I should be heading to the comfort of my bed.

I think the lack of drinking is slowly making me mad and unusually aroused. I have come to the conclusion today that drinking kind of replaces sex for me. (I am giggling cause that fucked up.) Just in that it's a really physical and mental release. It does not mean in any way, however, that once I am getting laid again I will stop drinking.

I was talking to Lily, becasue it's her I am going out with tomorrow and she's kind of broke, so I said we'd be cheap. And then I carified that I meant only in terms of money. Then I followed that up with "well I'll be cheap for other things if the right person wants me to." Half in jest, but half not. It's not like I'm desparate (surprising?), am going looking for someone, or will sleep/make out with anyone who shows interest. I'm just more open to someone who's cool and interesting than I have been in a long time.

Also this evening, I spoke with Victoria and we are going to attempt this crazy thing called Campus 14. Basically it involves drinking a double of something (vodka and orange juice for me) at each one of the 14 bars on campus. You have to do it un 2.5 hours and walk in between them. I did 11 the last time I did it. I have to do it at least one proper before leave.

I had a good day today and I am happy. Hopefully there will be at least some excitement over the weekend. My bed is calling.

I can't stop

A preliminary: I never knew I would love this style of life as much as I do. I really didn't know I could constantly be this happy and satisfied. It's not that I was constantly depressed before, it's just that I am so good now.

A preliminary: If I ever say anything here about how I am interpreting someones signals as to whether they're interested in me or not and you think I'm off base, write a comment or send me an email. I also don't want the crap 'maybe he'll change his mind' shit. I don't like that. I'd rather try to get over it than dwell. But if I'm not seeing something that's obvious point it out.

Paul called me and asked if I wanted to help him put some flyers in the halls around campus so I went out and we just wandered around the campus talking. It was nice. The only weird thing was that he mentioned a few girls who were also his friends but made specific points of saying how fit (pretty) they were. It was like a side note to a larger story, and not really out of place. The thing is I'm not really sure how to respond. If I knew the girl I could give my opinion, but I didn't.

We also ran into someone from our lecture and a girl who was quite fit walked by and the other guy commented and they agreed. Then at least I could say "boys are so easily distracted, but yes she is." It makes me feel wierd otherwise. I'm not sure why. I just don't know why it was said or what, if anything, it means. It kind of makes me feel like he's saying I'm not, but I think that's just me being paranoid. I just don't know.

I've been munching on crisps all afternoon so I should go and make a real dinner. I also have to start my reading.

You are my cat

Last night I ended up not falling asleep until after 1:30. It sucked becasue most of my time for the hour before that was spent unhappily moving around my tiny bed. I did get to thinking though. See this whole thinking thing is a problem for me. I really have a very active mind and it literally keeps me awake. So this is why I post so much here. When I was at home I would talk to my cat. She loved me and no one else lived with me to make me feel like I was crazy. But here, I have to unload somehow, and this is how I have chosen to do it. Some days I get so preoccupied by all the crap running through my head it's frustrating.

Plus right now my life involves little more than going to lectures, getting new CD's from the CD library and sitting curled up in a chair reading and taking notes. I'm trying to break it up with evenings out, but usually it's just a film. The odd night (like tomorrow) only happens sometimes becasue it's expensive. I can afford to do it more often than I have been lately though. I hope things pick up a bit. Although, it is only 5 weeks until spring break. Time goes too fast.

I just finished downloading the first season of 'the office.' I never watched in in Canada and I'm curious even though it's really late to be interested. I've also found a place where I can get the American Idol auditions. I am sickningly excited about this. I just like the auditions because thye are funny, but I inevitably get hooked and end up watching the whole season. Sometimes I disgust myself really. I also found CSI from that same place which makes me just as excited but not so embarrassed.

Look at the post below and put your results in the comments. I am really schocked by my results in the violence category only because I am very anti-violence to the point of being a pacifist. Otherwise I'm not too surprised.

I am going to hell

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished me to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!

Here is how I matched up against all the levels:
Level | Score
Purgatory | Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo | Low
Level 2 | High
Level 3 | High
Level 4 | Low
Level 5 | Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis | Very High
Level 7 | Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge | Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus | Moderate

Level descriptions
Take the test

end of the night

Well I'm in bed now after a very nice bath. I want to fall asleep before 12:30 tonight but I have some things to do first. They involve changing batteries.

I was in my fun lecture today. (The one with Elliot and Paul- it's the only lecture I have where we all talk and communicate because of the nature of the material, rather than just sit and listen to the prof. I love all my subjects, but I usually have active fun in this one even though it is by far my most complicated and challenging.) We were talking for some reason about heaven and hell which is weird now that I try to remember why it came up becasue it has nothing to do with the material.

Now I grew up not knowing religion. My mom went to a first united church sometimes when I was a child but I never had to go. I understand Chatolisism from a historic and artistic perspective becasue of what I study. I do not believe in any of it, or even the principle of organized religion. I was in theory understand why people do, But I don't. I don't even know if I believe in a sort of 'higher-power' or anything. I'm not in a place where it's an important thing for me to have a specific view.

So the prof asks who thinks they're going to Hell. The funny guy raises his hand but no one else that I noticed did. Then She asked why the rest of us aren't. Is it because we don't believe in Hell or because we're good. I didn't even hesitate to say that I don't believe. However, I would have added in a non-academic context, that if I am wrong, and there is a heaven and Hell, I am most certainly going to hell. And it's not because I've done anything particularly bad, I just do what I want.

One day I should find out my current purity test score. I may have only had myself to experiment/gain points with in the last few years, but I think I have. Kind of related, I wish I could give prizes out. I really need to think of something that easy for me, but good for you. Crap, this has taken more time that I thought it would and now I have less time to enjoy the process of falling asleep with a content feeling.

Lsat thing, I promise: I know I have an attachment to my vibe, when I have a pile of batteries that are half used up. Fuck, I have so many ideas of how people could get prizes, but I need to think of a fucking prize. Do I swear too much? Is it unbecoming? Lord, I think to much. I've got to go. The stress of reading, lack of sleep, and lack of recent drunkenness is really taking it's toll on me.

remembering home

Elliot: He interestes me because he is what I don't want in someone I want to date. He was staring at my breasts today. Oh, but that is totally not why I don't want to date him (drinking issues, aawkwardness and nail-biting) because anyone that dates me must love my tits and stare at them adoringly whenever they please but not when I'm talking to them (there are excpetions to this, of course).

Early Grey Tea and Couscous: Both crazy fucking good. Not together.

Blogger: I did an update from school the other day and they are PC's using Explorer and the post creating window had a bunch more options than I get here at home where I'm on a MAC using Safari.

Music: Today iTunes is selecting a repetoire of songs that remind me of home. Not in a sad or longing way, but just making sure I know how great it is there, which is very helpful. If you know of Veda Hille I might just love you.

That home: I'm from Vancouver, Canada. I grew up there and I will be moving back in July. I love that city more than I love myself some days, but I am not really looking forward to going back. That's only because it means I am really far away from Europe and the UK.

This home:I may dislike most of my flatmates (although today has been particularly good) but I love it here. Here as in campus. Here as in town. Here as in city. Here are in Country. Even here as in continent. I will be back here to do my MA no matter how much debt I get into to do it.

Thursday: Finally have gotten a night of friends and drinking planned. We are going to see two bands called Scanners and Kickbox Chamion at one of my favorite bars here. I have lectures at 1:00 the next afternoon so that shouldn't be a problem and wine is only 1.50 a glass (tastes good too - especially compared to the crap house wine at the cinema that costs 3.50), as are house spirits and mixer.

Fucker: I just dropped a spoon of couscous down my shirt.

Joy: I feel good today. My sleeping might be back on track. I'm getting tons of reading done. I have plans to go dancing. Music is good. Conversation is good.

Signals: Today I was walking to campus and was craving something. So I think about what. Crisps? Pizza? Nope. I wasn't hungry, I want a new sweater. I don't know how my brain got shopping and food signals confused, but it's kind of scary. The list so far is: Bras, trainers, sweater and thongs.

Resistance: I want a hair cut and I have to do all I can to not pick up the scissors and try to cut the back myself.

Eye contact: There's a fine line between staring on eye contact. I don't know where it is at most times so I tend not to make eye contact. I have to break that habit. Also if you're making eye contact with someone it means you're watching them watching you and that kind of freaks me out.

Links: I updated and re-ordered them.

Like I need to talk more about myself

A little excercise before I hop into bed where I hope to fall asleep quickly.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. My first name
2. My middle name
3. Pumpkin

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. Celia
2. starpiste
3. ena

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I have good taste in films
2. I'm good at putting make-up on
3. my breasts

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my legs
2. the fact I cry really easily
3. that I'm so scared of so many things

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: (I didn't know this was next, honest)
1. Not being able to get home, where ever that might be at a given time.
2. That I'll be alone forever
3. serial killers

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. MAC tinted lip conditioner
2. a scarf
3. music

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. blue pyjama bottoms
2. grey tank top
3. creama and purple thong

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. feist - secret heart (this very secret that you're trying to conceal, is the very same one that you're trying to reveal)
2. the cardigans - You're the storm (come raise your flag upon me, and if you want me I'm your country)
3. razorlight - which way is out (Now you look like you've been up for days, people walk in, people fall out)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. making out with a brit
2. getting back into the habit of running
3. starting a paper more than a week before it's due

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. I ate an orange this afternoon
2. I remembered my vitamins this morning
3. I sleep with the curtains closed

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT YOUR PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. eyebrows
2. hip area
3. shoulders

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. drive a car
2. eat meat
3. forget my past

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. shopping
2. sewing
3. cooking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. to fall in like and have it be mutual
2. get my new tattoo
3. sleep peacefully with my darling cat

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. academic
2. curator
3. mother

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION IN THE NEXT YEAR:
1. Greece (June!!!)
2. Wales (April!!!)
3. Paris, again (March if I can wrangle the cash)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. be pregnant, give birth naturally and raise a good person.
2. Get my Ph.D.
3. go in a hot air balloon

Searching

Apparently if you do a search on yahoo! for 'wanking palpitations' I'm result 36 of 54. I think it's fascinating, but I wonder why you'd do a search for wanking palpitations. Curious and great, all at the same time.

I saw a doctor and he said the burn is looking good and just to keep it dry and clean. If it gets itch as it's healing I can put a bit of moisturize it, but it looks good. He did say to watch for redness around it becasue that meaans it's infected, which is gross.

I was thinking about the post from this morning, and I am interested in Elliot. However, it's not a romantic or sexual interest. He interests me because he doesn't drink, because he bites his nails, because he's talks awkwardly. He strikes me as young and innocent and somehow that makes him interesting. It's more like I'm fascinated by how he is totally different from anyone I know. It's like I'd feel bad swearing in front of him or something. Although, I'm sure I have because I have a slight potty-mouth. Once I was wearing a pink hoodie and before our lecture someone across the room pointed at me and said 'that's pink' for whatever reason. I said, half to Elliot and half to myself, that I always get commented on when I wear it and he says "Women who wear pink tend to be very sexually confident." I had no idea how to respond and was glad the lecture started right after that. It still makes me kind of smile, but it was weird. Random fact or comment about someone he knew very little about?

Early Mornings

1. The dream last night consisted of the ex who is an artist. He was trying to get me do finish assignments for school before we went out (Just on friendly terms). At some point an old friend of mine, that he also got to be friends with came and I felt bad because I had forgotten she was coming over, and I had made alternate plans with him. It seemed like I had done the same thing the week before though. I left the room and when I came back they were talking very closely and I was super jealous. Odd because I was never jealous towards him at all and me and him used to have a mutual fantasy that involved her.

2. My burn hurts quite a bit today and I'm definately going to see a doctor.

3. I ran into both Elliot and Paul in the sudent union today. Elliot is awkward when he talks. Like he's thinking too hard, and all I want to ask is why he doesn't drink. As soon as Paul came up to us (they know each other from lectures) Elliot left. It's weird how I'm making friends in this class. Like I keep really quiet in lectures, but when we see eachother outside of class we talk and it's interesting. My Uni experience has not really involved making friends. Until this year my uni was in the city where I had grown up and I already had lots of friends, so wasn't really in a position where I was actively wanting to make new ones. I'm not interested in any of the boys I have been talking to from this lecture, but I think the fact that I am making the friends is a positive step.

Easliy Pleased

Today I ran into a guy from one of my lectures at Sainsbury's we talked for a few minutes and found out we live like 10 seconds away from each other. He's the comedian of the class. I tend to be pretty docile in lectures because my head is in serious mode or something, so I'm rarely in on it as more than a viewer.

Just the other day he was surprised about where I'm from and then tried to impress me by knowing very little about where I am from. Once he called me a lady and I said I don't like that.
He asked me if I liked "Bitch" despite my preference for girl or woman and was a bit caught off guard by my honest response of "in certain situations I prefer it".
Today he told me about his pervious night where he was stranded in the city becasue his friends left but he stayed because a girl was all over him, but when she asked if he wanted to go to hers, he declined.

Anyway, it wass werid how that one little conversation kind of picked up my mood. Just the fact that we talked rather than said just hello. Feels good. I may need gratification, but a little goes a long way.

On another note, I bought Earl Grey tea today and I'm drinking it and it makes me feel like I belong in Britain or something. It's weird but it does. If only it was raining. I have a moment in london like that. I love it.

call me what you will

Well it's early but I'm exhausted. I'm currently eating vanilla ice cream and will be on my way into the bath as soon as this is done. I was reading but I kept being distracted by my own breasts, which is really a hint that I should be doing something else. I also just couldn't keep focused on the book and was pretty bored.

I have been thinking a lot today about different things. First, I wish my life were more exciting. I know I have to make it so and if I'm not going to make it happen it's not going to. I kind of need a plan or something. I do tend to not turn down invitations at all though. I would have to have a really good reason to do so. But here, where I still don't know many people the invites are less frequent. I'll have to think more about this.

I won't be doing that thinking today or tomorrow though. Today after my bath, I am going to try to sleep early (with an interlude of self-gratification, of course). I need to get my sleeping schedule back on track or I'm just going to be tired and stressed all term. Tomorrow I really have to focus on getting some reading and studying done. And I need to make a morning trip to Sainsbury's.

Another thing I've been thinking about is some of my early thoughts of sex. MonMouth (of Rentboy Diaries) has made some posts recently about classes to improve the sexual talents of British males (which I unfortunately am unable to comment on yet). These have reminded me of dreams I used to have before I was sexually active in any way, and even before I cared about boys really. They basically revolved around sexual instruction in various settings. Now I think about how I don't even understand where that knowledge to think that came from.

I was one of the last people in my group of friends growing up to care about guys, but I was one of the earliest to actually be sexually active. I did have a couple of quasi-sexual experiences with girls when I was 10-13 years old, but It wasn't out of lust so much as curiosity. I also remember being 13 and having two of my friends ask me what an orgasm felt like. I hadn't even kissed anyone at that point so I have no idea why they asked me, but they thought if anyone would know it would be me.

Do you ever feel like sometimes you're different than those around you? Like your brain works different. Or you've seen things that some people will never understand. Or your experiences distance you from people. Sometimes I feel that way. It's not a superiority thing, just a differnce thing. I often wonder if the fact I think this way is why I'm home for most of the weekend. Like I have made these things into something that I have to conceal and that people are going to not like or not understand and so they won't like me. Sometimes I'll meet people who I feel fine with, but it's less often than I'd hope.

But what do you do? You can't just reveal everything and hope for the best. Well, I can't at least. I want people around me who get this. I have those people in my life, they're just very far away from me geographically right now. I guess that's all part of life. That search for comfort. With yourself and with others. I've got the comfort with myself part pretty well sorted, but the comfort with others is so lacking. I want it, I really do.

I'm going no where with this. As you can tell by now, I'm now about conclusions so much as ideas. I've obviously had too much time on my hands today. time to bathe and then sleep. I hope everyone's weekends are being eventful.