Median

I'm feeling a little off. Today was mostly better. I feel like something, as usual, is missing. Less than yesterday maybe. did that make any sense? Maybe I feel isolated. I feel like I've been irritating everyone around me. But I think I'm just lonely. Like I'm just being tolerated because I'm unavoidable. I've felt like that a lot in the last while, which really just tells me that it's in my head and not because people really feel that way.

I'm tired too. What else? I feel boring. Like I don't have anything original to share. Just things other people can also do and information I only know because I have a good memory. That didn't really make any sense either. I want ice cream or pudding and I want to cuddle. And I want better pillows. And my nail kit so I can give myself a manicure. And practice on other people too.

Maybe learning pedicures tomorrow and a shift at the spa will make me feel better. Fix this unknown thing.

(I really wanted to fall in love and I feel that not doing so is a major part of this unrest.)

a few words

I miss Filmmaker. I miss him, yet I do not want to be with him. I woud want to have sex with him if he were here, but I have no desire to masturbate. But it's not just about the sex. It's the company and the closeness. I miss that too. Replacing him would solve some of these problems, but it wouldn't solve any of the ones I had when I was with him.

I hoped being in a relationship would have increased my comfort with them but it didn't at all.

Found (but still lost)

Well my mom found my cat yesterday down by the apartment I used to live in that's a half basement. How she got off the fourth floor is still a mystery though. I'm going to stop by their house today and smother her a bit.

I had a dream about getting back together with Filmmaker. It was mostly about sex though. And it wasn't filled with wonderfulness. It was just the real-life mixture of what I'm actually feeling. That I like him a bit, and I want to really like him, but theres something huge missing.

I'm not going to put make-up on today even though it's kind of out of rebellion that I have to wear it every other day, and not because I actually don't want to.

(oh, did I mention that I got a tip for my very first official manicure ever? exciting.)

I don't understand

So again, as things start to smooth out (school's good, work's good, money's ok) something happens. I go back into tears and confusion and wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. ANy hope for future success I've built back up starts to crumble again.

This time it's my cat. The cat I love and is living with my mom and I miss, miss, miss, has gone missing. And my mom lives on the fourth floor of the building. It makes no sense but she's been gone for more than 12 hours. My mom's checked with the neighbours whose balconys attach to theirs, and walked around outside calling her but nothing. My cat is missing.

And all I can say is I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't get a few months of calm and simplicity.

And now I'm not going to read into it and make some larger relationship lesson out of it and start being upset about Filmmaker, which I've already kind of been this week. I just don't get any of it at all.

Tired

Well it's Tursday and I feel tired and like I haven't had enough time at home so my room is messy. I am tired, but have had some time at home. I just spend it doing things that don't involve cleaning my room. And tonight will be no different. I'm just about to leave for school, and don't finish work tonight until 9:00. And tomorrow is another long day becasue I'm working at both jobs. I think. I should check my calendar.

I did have class on Monday though. But because of how flexible the school is it wasn't a big deal that I had missed it.

ok, I thought I could write but apparently not. I need a coffee. more another time.

Child-like

Last night I realized I carry tension in the right side of my forehead. The muscles has a hard time relaxing. As a result, my eyes and brows look unsymetrical. That bothers me.

Today I got up, got ready, went to school but it was closed. There was no one there and all the lights were off and it was locked. I was confused and thought maybe it wasn't monday, or maybe my clock/my cell phone was wrong and I was early. And there was no one else around and confused. And the hair class starts earlier than nails does. So I called the school and the director answered even though I could tell he wasn't in his office (his window is at street level). I felt stupid and hung up.

I wasn't really sure what to do. And I'm still not. I'm nearly positive that I'm supposed to have class on Mondays but I guess I'm wrong. Instead I bought new jeans (I desperately needed them and they were on sale), a new book and went for breakfast. I'm worried that maybe I just missed something entirely and I'm pretty certain my confusion is all my fault.

I also called my sister because my grandma (on my dad's side) is coming to visit from Toronto today. I decided maybe with my day off I could go to the airport as I haven't seen my sister in a while. My grandma doesn't come until tonight though and it's craft night. Also, my sister and her husband put an offer on a house in white rock, which means I'll see even less of her than I do now.

At first I was really excited for her (it has an ocean view!) but then I called my mom to tell her and she just said how far away it was. And then I was sad. And my mom is sad. I'm not sure why but she is. Or something is wrong. My mom puts herself really low on her list of priorities but it could be problems with her family or something else. And then I think it might be me. She's had to do a lot for me in the last 6 months and it's not really over. So half of me doesn't want to ask her if somethings wrong because I don't want to hear that I'm a burden.

And then I feel like no one acknowledged that my Dad died two years and two weeks ago and the date just passed with no recognition. Or that is was Fathers day yesterday and it makes me feel awful. Or that the folk festival s coming up and I want so much to go but It'll be so hard and I can't go alone and I can't really afford it. And then I can't let any of this go.

And it all leaves me feeling like a helpless and self-pitying child who doesn't know what to do about anything.

Vacant

I'm tired.

Two days of school this week. I did two partial manicures. Cuticle care is scary. Polish isn't too bad, but I'm a perfectionist. Hand massages might be my favorite thing so far. I kind of want to give them to everyone.

I'm eating like there's no tomorrow. And it's not because I'm hungry. It's that I feel like there's empty space. I miss FIlmmaker. But I miss "someone" more than I miss him now.

Nothing else really. I'm not feeling grounded.

before sleep

I was going to write in the morning but I just finished my nails so I have to waste some time before I can go to bed or I will ruin them.

The school situation is settled. My original school is giving me my deposit back. I registered with the other school and start on wednesday. The learning process is much more flexible and customized to each student, the whole course is done earlier, and it's cheaper. So that has turned back around. Now I just really want to start. I also need to tie up loose ends at HK inc. because once I finish my course I'm not too sure if I'll want to be there, or even need to be there. ("Need" based on my needs, they will still need me unless they want to hire someone new, which they don't.)

Tonight I miss FIlmmaker, but I know that I miss him in not the best ways. I miss him becasue I want to know what he thought of the "On the lot" episodes this week. And because it's cold and another body in my bed would make it cozy. And becasue I am craving chocolate and I know he would bring me some. It's somehow reassuring that I miss him for him in some ways though, and not just that I miss a generic someone. But I do feel that I just miss him now, and not deeply enough, or long term enough, to think I made a mistake.

But I do think I am still going to have to work on a lot of issues within myself regarding the whole relationship. I mean I know it didn't fail becasue of me, but I also know that I didn't always act in a way I would have hoped I would. And I don't feel any more equipped for the next relationship in most ways. Which leaves me feeling a little down about it. I can't wait as long this time, and I have to trust myself a little bit more. I was really confused most of the time, and just went from one end of like to the other pretty quickly and unexpectedly. Little things bothered me about him, and not always the things I would have thought did. It was a learning experience that I don't fully understand yet.

What else? Not much really. I have to stay focused on work and make money, and then be focused on school, and stay focused on crafts. And keep eating well because I want to lose some more weight. I've also been thinking about the possibility of a nose job in the far future. It's weird because it never really occured to me before now. And I'm doing a photoshoot next weekend which should be super fun.

My nails are pretty mcuh dry no so I am going to try to sleep. I have a lot to do around the house tomorrow and then dinner plans with a bunch of people from school. And I need to get a small gift. hmm. A stop at the salon might be in order. Not sure what for though. Some Dermalogica maybe.

Day off/off day

I didn't go to work today. I spent the first part of the morning feeling angry and anxious. Then I went out. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on yarn. I tried not to think about anything. I bought japanese cooking stuff (soba noodles, sushi-age, sushi grass) and felt dazed and disconnected.

I did call two schools about their programs. One never called me back. The second talked to me. I could start in July and finish in Early October. The program is shorter because it's a lot more hours per week. It doesn't interfere with any spa shifts though. It's also cheaper. The school is smaller, and the kit is smaller. I'm going to go to the school on Thursday and see what the facilities are like and what kind of products they use. The curriculum looks similar to where I am now.

Two worries are what if it's not as good as where I am now would be and what if where I am now won't give me my deposit back. I think if the only date option I was given back when I registered was The one I'm being forced to take, I wouldn't have taken it. I would have gone a different route, maybe looked at other schools. I feel disloyal in switching though. I just don't know what to do.

The longer hours per week, would mean less time at HK inc. too. Good for my mental state I think, but not so good for my bank. But the course is half the price.

I still feel out of control. I feel victimized (what have I done to deserve all this?) but then also feel like I must deserve it if it keeps happening. And then I wonder if my concern about something bad happening as soon as things start to get better is making it happen. (And I haven't even read The Secret.) But I moved, which was supposed to help, but then there was the bugs. Then I got rid of the bugs, the long-term spa job got confirmed, and I was excited about school and now this. How am I supposed to not be worried?

And then there's Filmmaker. I read the email a second time. It was a good-bye email. And it's all just sad. I am so confused about it all. Somehow this was worse than my fear of not being able to find someone who would love me, my fear of being unloveable. I couldn't reciprocate love. I couldn't reciprocate someones desire to make me happy.

(Aside: Orange hasn't called me in a long time. I called him over a week ago and never heard back. He leaves for the summer at the end of the month and I feel like I've lost that too.)

I just feel too much in my world. Too far away from everyone. Unable to relate and be relateable. But I don't feel safe and I don't feel comfortable. And that's what I need. I think of who I was in England and I don't have any of that left. I want that excitement and that lightness back. I don't know how though.

I don't even really feel like I have a social life right now. I go to work, I come home or I craft. I want to have a float party but don't really even know who to invite. I feel like it would just end up being this awkward gathering where no one really has anything to talk about and they only really came as a courtesy anyways.

I need some help to get this sorted and fixed. I really want my life to be fun again. I really do.

No control

1. Filmmaker sent me an email Sunday afternoon. It was really long and I read it once while I was at work. I barely remember any of it but can't deal with reading it a second time. I do know he said he really is in love with me. He said he was trying not to wait (and went on other dates) but he really was waiting. I don't even know how to proceed with it all so I'm not doing anything except trying not to think about it.

2. I have a rash on my neck and I don't know what is causing it. It's just getting worse since Saturday and it's so itchy. I 've been trying to think about what I might have eaten or used on my skin that could be causing it, but unless I developed an allery to something I could always eat before I can't figure it out. But it is very red and very itchy.

3. My school date got pushed back again. To September. This means I have three months of waiting again. And it means I might not have the job at the spa when I am done. I am so frustrated/upset about it but I don't really feel I have any choice in the matter. I am going to look at two other schools today to see what their program is like, but who knows if they will be as good, or their program will be any better. And between my two jobs I don't really have a full-time one. Actually I'm sure HK Inc. could be full time but I really don't want to do it full time. That job in itself is a major source of frustration.

So overall I feel like crap, and I feel like I'm doomed to feel perpetually out of place and in transition. I'm not sure how to fix it, and I don't know where to turn to for help.

Well it's done. Apparently he punched a wall at the skytrain in frustration after we left and his hand is swollen and bruised this morning. (Scary on its own) This morning, after a night a of thinking and not sleeping and crying, he realized that he is entirely in love with me and it's too hard to see me, so as hard as it is he is not going to see me anymore. He said he can still talk to me, but that he can't see me until "I am ready to see him". I corrected him really quickly. I got called a bitch and unempathetic, and cold. I told him that I wasn't any of those things, but because he wanted something that I am not giving him, he sees it that way and that's very unfair because I have been honest about what I am willing to give.

And maybe to top it all off his definition of being in love is being completely selfless for another person. When I said that that was entirely untrue for me and it only leads to losing yourself, he back peddled a bit and I was just so done. Then he finally hung up the phone, nearly in tears, saying how he would not recover from this.

It's weird how I can want so bad to be loved, but can't tolerate his way of doing it even more.

Stupid Greys

I want to be in love. I want to be loved. And it feels like breaking up all over again. And it's not going to happen. I'm too cold, I'm too selfish, I'm too demanding, I'm too unfeeling. It's all been taken up and taken away. There's nothing left for anyone. Not even me most days. This is the breakdown.

I remember walking to class one day while in England. I think I was running late. That was my major panic trigger before. So I was trying to calm myself by saying the things I normally did. The main one is that things will always be fine. If I'm late it will be fine, If I never even show up with will be fine, If I interupt for 1 minutes it'll be fine. But it changed. It all shifted in an instant. It shifted to "it will all be good" There was something so right with the world. But I can't say that anymore and I don't believe it at all.

I want something impossible. Something completely unconditional. It's so hot in my room. I want to feel whole and I want to feel myself. I want to listen to a CD that will make me ache. And I can't remember the name of the singer no matter how hard I try. but then I found it on the list. And i feel like everything is secret. somehow.

And sometimes I know I'm trying really hard to get a life back. To sort things out. To improve. To make myself. But then in some ways I'm not. I spend money I need to save without thinking about it because I don't want to deal with something, or I want to forget everything. I eat things I shouldn't eat. I don't go to bed when I should. I don't wash off my make-up or brush my teeth before going to bed.

But I thought I had done what I needed to do. I really started over in so many ways. I spent a lot of time talking and assessing. But none of it's really done. But, again, there's no room for this now. I have to be at worktomorrow and be warm and welcoming and lovely. And I love doing it. I do. But I can't reconcile this with that.

When someone close to you dies once of the things you have to do over time to heal is to find new people to fill the various functions that the person performed for you. I think I can't do that. I don't think that the kind of love I received can be provided by anyone else in quite that same way. But it's what I need. I don't feel safe or grounded without it.

In some ways my life is going too good for me to feel like this. But I know there is more coming up. More moving. more tuition. More learning. more work. more everything. Which would imply more good, and it does. I know it does. But I still feel weighed down. And I want someone to come take that from me. Just to tell me that it's not just mine to hold and carry.

I want the crisis line to be good. not just repeat what you say. Filmmaker says I want perfection and that things just can't be easy. But I can't keep feeling this way. I just can't.

I was angry for the first time when I was dealing with the bugs in my new house. I was in the garage doing something with boxes and I was angry. I didn't know how my life had come to that. I was angry that he died and I was left behind to just fend for myself - angry I felt so entirely unequipped to do so. It always comes down to this.

But I have to stop now. I have a headache coming on from tears and I have to be at work in 8 hours, and I have to look pretty for work, which takes time. I don't know what my next step is to deal with all of this. I know it can't be shopping, and it can't be moping.

You know how people talk about having conversations with dead people. I don't. I don't have any connection to it. I just think and feel small and alone and abandoned.

Filmmaker

I'm done. It's done. There may have been a possiblity for friendship but it's gone. Somehow there's too much bad between us that a friendship is impossible. There's too much tied up. frustration, anger, distance, resentment, whatever. I can't take all that on. I am not willing to work through it for him. I do not believe anymore that the end will justify the means. It's done and I need to move on from it. And I know that I will miss him. But it has to be done.

And for now I'm not going to think about what that might mean for my future. I'm just going to get through that and get to school.