A new list

1. I haven't been posting becasue I just don't want to sit down at my computer and type my thoughts. The current set up is really hard on my back and it's been so sore recently. I do really have lots on my mind.

2. My back and neck have been so sore. I'm starting to actually have to budget my money so massages aren't possibl;y very frequently. Heat pads and sitting up straight are my two tactics to feeling better now.

3. I want my sex drive back. If I actually masturbate once a week right now it's a lot. It's completely not what I would like and was used to. I can't really do much about it right now though becasue it's due to stress and medication. I do think it makes more more physical tension in some ways and that might be contributing back pain.

4. I would like a boy who can give a good massage and a good orgasm. But that's a whole big thing to come.

5. Still having the craziest of dreams. Violence is creeping back in but there's still good stuff and less direct distress than there was when they started.

6. I was feeling full of "stuff" last night. Chatton was staying over and I knew I should talk to her about it but I couldn't. It's also something I can't bring to my therapist either. It's boys/love/relationships. I just feel like any stress relating to it is juvenile and something that I shouldn't have on my mind so much. So instead of talking or typing I wrote. I didn't really get anywhere.

7. When it comes to boys I'm scared. I'm scared I don't deserve someone. I'm scared no one will be able/want to put up with me. I'm super insecure when it comes to things. I'm not sure I can handle anything more going wrong for me right now, but I know that getting over this will make me better in the long run.

8. I have a busy week coming up again and I really hope that I get the job. I'll know by Friday becasue the first shift is Saturday. I'm very excited.

9. On Friday Titania is cutting and colouring my hair and then we are going with Chatton to an art show/concert. Lots of cool people, old and new, will be there and I might see if the boy from the bookstore wants to come. I'm still working on a plan for that and it's not super likely to happen.

10. My back is starting to ache now though so I must go. More another day.

Walking

My city is very cold and windy today - blustery one could say. But the sky is mostly bright and blue. Cat Power's newest album has formed my afternoon soundtrack. My face is much more flushed than I have become accustomed to.

My councelling session today didn't include any of what we were going to talk about and instead was all about my dad and susbequent things. I feel mute now. I want nothing but something I can't pinpoint. It might be a hug but it's not quite that. I have no desire for CRB or anything else in particular. I think I realized that I didn't fully feel the real finality of death. Like I know it's a forever thing in my head but what that really means isn't something I have a handle on.

It's like there's more to say but my head is all just blank. I'm doing really good but there's always this moment. The time where I feel apart and lost and all that other stuff. I can't keep track of what day it is and I just want to hide and forget about the world for a few days.

Mid-week

Today I go in for my first volunteer shift at the art gallery. I only vaguely remember where I'm supposed to go and ave like 4 peoples names who I should talk to so that I can find out what I need to do and such. I'm probably going to go in early and grab a coffee. I also have to wear long sleeve becasue the woman who interviewed me didn't know if my wrist tattoos being visible were ok. She told me to keep them covered until I met and asked my supervisor.

Yesterday I felt down and I slpet alot. Last night I dreamed about the folk festival and CRB. I miss the sun we had last week. I'm also finally out of money and I think that makes me feel bad. Like maybe I am living in a state I can't maintain. I've got to go get ready. It's a good thing I'll be distracted today and that I go to councelling tomorrow.

Party

Chatton, Titania and I went to an awesome house party last night. We were all perfectly drunk and wanting to stay much longer than we could. We left around 2:30 because Chatton had to work at 7:00 am this morning. We met tons of people, took over 100 pictures, danced a lot. Just everything was right. I wore heels all night and didn't fall once. My toes are kind of numb today but it was so worth it.

My interview yesterday went really well and I really hope I get the job. I have another interview tomorrow for volunteer work which I also really want. I hope the universe is on my side. I realized this morning that working at HK Inc. wasn't as bad as I anticipated and I am happy there for my 10 hours a week but the full time thing just left me with very little time and ebergy to do the things that really make me happy and inspired.

SO SO good.

I have an interview for the sex-toy shop tomorrow morning. I have to sort out what to wear. I wish the sun and the temperature outside were more in line - We had record cold temperatures last night but there's not a cloud to be seen in the beautiful bright blue sky.

AHHHH!!!!

I'm going for a "talk" with the woman who ownes the sex toy shop about a job!

So much fun and so exciting! Weeee!!!

Excitement!

I received two good things back-to-back today.
First a volunteer position I applied for is available and I go in for an interview on Monday morning. This would make me so so so happy if I got it.
Second is that I applied for a one day a week position at a sex-toy store. I sent in my resumen but then didn't hear anything back. Today I got an email acknowledging it and saying they'd let me know if I was short listed. It's not an interview but the fact that the possibility is still alive makes me happy.

Otherwise things aare alright. Work kind of kills my soul becasue I spend all day there and come home tired and feeling like I've got nothing accomplished. It maybe motivates me to be more motivated with my fun stuff once I go down to 10 hours a week. I've also been doing stuff for my old boss and that's been fun. It almost looks like my fantasy life might really be crossing into my real life.

So I feel good today even though work is borning and it occupies all my hours of the lovely sunshine this city is getting.

Not feeling it

I'm around and just keeping myself happy and occupied. I'm trying to get rest this weeekend because I have to work full time all next week. I'm making some progress in therapy about my issues surrounding going back to school (or not maybe) in September. Titania wants me to go out dancing tonight but we'll see. We're also getting very excited about moving.

Upswing

I am feeling better today. Chatton and Titania and I went for breakfast yesterday and had lots of fun. Then Chatton came over and we crafted. I'm still feeling a bit inside myself and not quite fully myself. I am feeling better though.

I went and picked up my laptop yesterday. It's still broken but I got the data off of it I wanted. I also bought a new printer and got to meet the new Apple representative. Chatton said we flirted but I'm still just so in my own closed off world I was just being nice I think. Then we went to Chapters and saw the magazine boy who remembers my name. Chatton said he's too young for me and I should make the APple guy my boyfriend.

She kind of kept mentioning it and I think she sensed my discomfort. She said she'd stop bugging me. It's not that I wanted her to drop it though. It's that I still feel so fucked up that I don't think anyone would want me. I just have no self-confidence right now. Plus, as usual, I just don't know how to go about anything if I did feel that it wouldn't end up in a mess.

Chatton and I don't talk in the way that people think two friends as close as us should. And it's not becasue we're worried about how the other one will react but we're just not ready to say the things aloud to anyone. Sometimes I'm just so open with things -my feelings of craziness, my total denile of my life, my sadness about England - but there's other things I just can't say.

Her and I were kind of talking about something the other day and she agreed that it was weird how Miranda responded. she then said that maybe Miranda was that way becasue she thought it just wasn't something I wanted right now in my life. I acknowledged it but I couldn't go into it anymore. What I couldn't go into was that I didn't want to seem fixated on it becasue thinking about another thing I lack is depressing and kind of makes me look desparate. I also don't have any faith in myself to be able to date someone or self-confidence.

On a comepltely different note I had an orgasm last night - all on my own of course. It really sucks to not want sex on a physical level at all. It's a disfunctional feeling. I did it becasue I needed the release of physical tension. Kind of like a massage. I fell asleep really quickly afterwards.

I think the most glaring thing recently is that I don't know who I am. I said I was a student to Apple guy yesterday and I kind of felt like I was lying. Sometimes I feel happy but it's temporary and shallow. I have some wonderful people around me but I feel disconnected. I don't know when I'm in denile or when I'm being honest. Disconect is probably the best word. But then I don't feel bad. I don't feel guilty for sleeping in and not really getting anything done. Well sometimes I feel bad for not doing dishes and my homeowrk. But I pretend I don't.