quicky

I'm eating massive amounts of popcorn and love the stuff. I am having mixed feelings about everything and am feeling a bit emotionally unstable just because my mood is a bit all over the plce. I'm not moody and irritable but I'm not feeling consistantly good unless people are around. I think it's lonliness which is kind of silly considering I have people all around.

I bought my first piece of vynil at Virgin (Bright Eyes) and found that the guy works there still. I'm feeling a bit self-concious about some things though so I didn't even innocuously ask him to help me find something. I honestly didn't even look at him. A friend of Chattons pointed him out but there was a group of guys who worked their together and I just didn't want to know in a way. I feel kind of creepy remembering and caring, even though fining out he worked there was a total coincidence and I actually needed to go there to buy things yesterday.

I also got a new bra and matching thong. It's bright green with outlines of randomly placed circles in green mesh. I looked for photos but no luck. I also bought some new make-up but not everything I had planned becasue I'm a tiny bit sort on money right now.

Off I go to eat more popcorn and do some crafts.

Surprises

I have just finished watching Kinsey and quite liked it. I thought the personal and professional aspects were well mixed and I like the circular feel to how the story was told. And what he's saying wasn't completely perfect but so much of the same type of backwards/ignorant/judgemental thinking he was going against is still present in our society. I recommend this film.

I also found out today that my father had a second life insurance policy that is the same amount as his other one. It is now a lot of money for my sister and I to split even after all the funeral costs and things like that are covered. It's hard to be really happy about it but the money will mean that I won't be in a position where I have to work too much while in school out of necessity. Most of all though, getting back to England and paying for grad school is now not a financial issue at all. I just ave to have good results and get accepted.

And I know that for my dad, me travelling and being able to persue my academic goals was very important. I keep hearing from everyone that knew him how proud he was of my being in England and doing so well. I alwasy knew that but it's nice that he told others as much has I have found he did. I think things are going to get hard this week now that all the planning and stuff is done and I just have spare time.

I caled into HK Inc. and spoke to Olive today. I was going to go in this week a bit to start working with her but she's going out of town for the rest of the week so I won't be back there until the 20th and it'll only be part time. This week my plans are mostly just to keep making the flat cozy and organized again along with a few other things. I've got some crafts I have to do.

Tomorrow: A bit of shopping and visiting with Chatton.
Wednesday: Bunch with Titania
Thursday: Art Gallery visit with Blondie.
Later this week: Dinner with Miranda.
Sunday: Car-free festival in my neighbourhood with my sister and nephew.
Monday: Poetry Slam with Titania and maybe Chatton.
Thursday: Dinner and CD release party with Titania and maybe others.

Off I go to bed. Tomorrow will be a good day I think. I am going to treat myself a tiny bit.

Water Pressure

1. I love British Sea Power and have really anted to listen to Cat Power today.

2. I feel bad for not posting in almost a week. I've been busy moving everything out of my dads flat with my sister and it's left me pretty tired and drained everyday.

3. My laptop is currently out of commission becasue the batteroies are drained and the pwer supply is broken. I am working on the new computer but my use of it is limited as I am missing some passwords to install programs and make admin changes. I have a friend trying to figure it out for me so hopefully that will happen.

4. I was so excited that I have a DVD burner on the new computer but I can't figure out how to burn files that will play on my DVD player. I may have an idea but if it doesn't work it's the third DVD-R that is mostly wasted. If it does work I will be pleased so when I go out in about an hour to get my dad's TV and amp (so I can use his record player) I will try it again.

5. My DVD frustration is rooted mostly in the fact that I am currently obsessed with watching The Office. I know it has to do with missing the UK but I am going a bit crazy over watching it. I can currently watch it at the computer but it's not the most comfortable set-up now and the TV would be sooo much better.

6. My shower here is bloody great. I forgot exactly how high the water pressure was and it's amazing. A massage everytime I bathe and offers great wanking stimulation. SOmetimes after a shower I feel my skin tingling for a while becasue of the force of the shower.

7. Om Thursday Titania, Miranda and I went out for dinner and then Titania and I walked around downtown and to the beach (and has awesome but expensive cocktails). It was very much fun. We saw a skunk and an owl. We also went into virgin. No boy, or friend sighting but I've got other reasons to talk to that friend so I'll be calling her soon. I'm not getting my hopes up on this one at all. I actually feel a bit creepy about it.

8. Titania and the boy stuff has settled down. There's issues that she has to work through with it. Basically she wants to be casually involved but monogamous. I understand completely but know it's a hard thing to balance. He says he's not sleeping with someone else but doesn't think that if they are monogamous that it can be casual and he wants casual. I just tell her to do what feel right to her and keep things in perspective.

9. I left a bunch of clothes here when I moved becasue they were either a bit too small or weren't great enough to fit into my luggage. Well now I have a bnch of pants and skirts that just fit me when they didn't last year. They would fit even better if I lost a tiny bit of weight but we'll see.

10. I haven't gone back to work becasue I've had so much else to do but I am fucking broke. I'm sure the expensive cocktails didn't help but neither did the 90 pound exccess baggage fee at the airport coming here. I am going to go to work part time next week I think and I'll be getting some insurance money soon but things will fall into place. Rent is cheap and not due for a few more weeks.

11. I have been playing housewife a bit at home and I'm actually really enjoying it. The house is actually looking sane again except for the hallway filled with stuff for a garage sale next month. I've been cooking dinner for when Titania gets home from work. Today I moved some art, combined the five bouquets of half-dead flowers into one living one, sorted and stored the mass amount of computer equptment. Hung a lamp, finished sorting my clothes and put them away, srted all my make-up and jewelery and took out the garbage. The things under the stove burners are currently soaking to be easier to clean and I am next going to tackle the craziness we call a bookshelf. I'd love to have the floors swept before I start dinner too.

Skewed

I am officially staying in tonight. I am just finishing dinner, then wil do dishes and have a nice ong bath. I might even involve candles. I may watch a film afterwards as well but the colour of the TV is all weird and kind of irritating.

Titania ended up going out for dinner with the guy tonight. Normally not an issue but we had decided to go out tonight and she cancelled before I said I didn't want to go. A bit irritating considering she stayed at his last night and we did have plans. That makes me sound kind of jealous but I guess I just don't understand being in love like that is returned. I mean I would have said I had plans and see if tomorrow night was an option, or I would have called the friend first to see f she was still wanting to go.

I guess it's all easy to say when I'm the one being cancelled on. Plus it's not like I have a busy social life right now. My energy is low, I'm sad about not being in England and I want to be cozy and not drink. I would have gone out tonight if it wasn't a drinking/dancing thing. None of this talk is going anywhere. The fact is that I am kind of sad and pretty lonely and have nothing to do other than clean my flat, sort my fathers stuff and talk to my cat.

This is totally depressing. I'm going to put some good music on and hop in the bath. I want to watch the Office like nothing else. Hopefully you'll get something more exciting in the next few days - for me just as much for you.

Free Week

I am writing from the new mac that my Dad loved. It has taken its space up in my home and is working well. My laptop power supply is now so trashed it won't work and the battery is gone so I have move to this one. I've really only hooked up the basics and still have a bunch of accessories to add but that will happen after I sort the PC out. Yes, I current;y have three computers in my house.

I have an invte out tonight but right now I think I'm going to pass on it. I'm feelig really tired and not very sociable. I've gotten tons of cleaning done around here but still have more to do tonight. The more I get done the more settled I feel. I am also running low on money now that I need to buy a new power supply and won't get paid for a week or so once I go back to work on Monday.

Now what people really care about. I did wank last night and had two orgasms. Not technically a lot but I usually don't bother with more than one. I slept really well too and am still feeling pretty aroused today; lots of gratuitous breat touching while watching a flim when I ate lunch and took a break from cleaning.

So really I'm physically excited and mentally not so. Not a combination I can say I'm very fond of. I'm off to clean of this computer and figure out how it's set up. Oh, last note, as you may be able to tell if you read the comments another friend now knows about the blog. I intended on telling a few people in England but haven't yet.

paired off

I am starting to feel kind of normal now and fell like I'll be ready to go back to work next week. I am at home tonight (in bed right now) as I have been recently just cleaning and sorting stuff in and around the flat. We brought a bunch of things from my fathers including a bunch of old concert related stuff and two computers. I will only end up keeping one.

Titania helped for a while but around 10:30 left to go to a guys house. She's been seeing him for just under a month and I have my reservations. He seems nice but he doesn't want to be exclusive and she does and while he doesn't seem to be sleeping with anyone else, if he does I'm not sure how she'll handle it and it could end up with her being hurt and/or doing something she's not completely satisfied with. For now I'm just talking with her and being around for however she chooses to deal with it as they are only her choices to make and I can just give her other ways of considering them.

I'm feeling a bit lonely I think just becasue everyone here has lives and I have to place myself within them. Plus almost everyone around is coupled to some extent (Titania, Miranda, Olive and Chatton are notable) and I feel far from being that way myself. Not that I don't want to be I just don't know how it would work in a way. I don't really know what that means.

I guess I'm just not seeing cute british guys all around me anymore so I'm feeling understimulated. Although I haven't really spent time with anyone other than family outside of the house. I did walk home from my Dad's flat today which got me in a few shops I frequented before and that felt good but it's still kind of weird just being here.

I also think I'm starting to get my sex drive back a bit. I should see if my vibe can be heard through the blankets and in the bedroom. I did wank with TItania in the room a few times but quickly, with hands only, and when I was sure she was asleep. It's not so much that I'm uncomfortable with it (wanking with a few select friends is actually a bit of a fantasy for me) but I'm pretty sure she's not so I need to respect that. She does know I have a vibe though and use it relatively frequently. I also bought her first one for her and know she used it at least once in a while because her fav attachement broke.

Anyway, I just wanted to say a few words to show that I'm still the girl who wants to sleep with boys a whole lot and chooses to wank instead because I have this big issue of being liked by the person who's fucking me and needing to have some sort of regularity with them.We are going dancing tomorrow night though with some friends which should be fun.

Advancing

I'm not going back to work this week. I am going to spend it going to my dad's flat to clean it out, which has to be done by the 15th. I'm also going to clean much of my flat as it's a bit messy and disorganized but way better than it was 3 or 4 days ago. We really need to make an ikea trip for it to get really settled and I'm getting a bunch of the furniture from my Dad's so that will make a difference to how finished and together the place seems.

There are five beautiful vases of flowers on our kitchen table and tons of cards in front of the TV (no cable, just DVD's). It was also Titania's birthday on Saturday which sucked obviously. Last night we went out for a fancy dinner in Kitsilano where her brother works with her mom, who is in town from Vancouver Island, her sister, her step-brother and his girlfriend. It was lots of fun and really nice.

I also finally saw Chatton yesterday morning. SHe came over with coffee's and muffins from her work and we just talked and caught up a bit. She'll be joining Miranda, and some other friends at a dinner for Titanias birthday which seems to be happening on Thursday night. A good reataraunt downtown with good drink specials.

I also wanted to note that I got to see Olive and the Artist for the first time since I've been back on Saturday at the service. Olive was great and we'll be going out for drinks and dinner soon to look through my pictures and just talk. The Artist was remembered by my close family and it was nice to see him. I think we'll stay in touch more than once a year. We mentioned having coffee or something before the folk festival next month. My mother was very nice to him as expected. He was always welcomed by my family.

I'm still pretty tired and reality is finally hitting me. I talked to Lily last night and she said Politics boy keeps texting her to invite me to parties. Other people have asked about me too, which is nice. I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone except Lily and Scotsman so it's nice to know I'm thought of. I should be doing a final group email but I'm not sure if I should say my dad died or not. It seems a bit dramamtic, but after the last email saying he was much more sick, not giving an update is weird. Also, lots of my friends knew him. I also have to change my email address so I might just do that and include it in the email.

I use the world "also" a lot.

Tomorrow I am going to sort more of my flat and then going downtown (on a stupid and expensive seeming bus). I need to just wander around and buy the rest of Titania's birthday gift (already got a coffee press and a bunch of nice coffees). It would be nice to find someone to go with but everyone else is working. I could make some other calls to more distant people though.

Maybe a final word about the tattood boy who works at Virgin records I was excited about a few weeks ago. It turns out my friend who works there still does so she'll know him. I'll stop in when I'm downtown tomorrow. I just really need my life to get slightly routine again and for the flat to be comfortable. There's a big street party where I live on the 19th which will be great fun and my sister and newphew will come out for it.

Ok, I'm leaving now as I need to shower and get ready to go to my dad's to sort and pack. I'll probably come home exhausted again tonight. I did tell Titania I'd cook dinner though. I also have a movie that's overdue I think and I've never actually watched it. Well we watched half and then fell asleep. I should return it today either way though.

The Day

Titania and I are sick and distressed. This is going to be a messy day. I'm keeping back tears surprisingly well except for wehen I'm alone an dme not freaking out is worrying people more than their original worry that I was going to freak out. I just keep explaining that this situation is so unreal that any reaction is abnormal.

I have my burberry scarf with me so Midge can feel she's there for me as much as she would like to be, especially with all the time issues.

All I can say is that this sucks. I want this day to either stop and never happen or go quickly so I can come home and curl up and watch films. Or something.

Brevity

I feel like I;ve been neglectful. I have had so little spare time or even time to myself I've just not been around the internet in general very much at all. I think that even my email is only getting checked like 4 times a day which is really unusual in my world.

We are really busy with finishing things up (songs to play at the service, making the guestbook) but things are sorted more or less. We ended things for the day early today because I was tied, physically and emotionally, and just needed some time alone. Unlike my sister who has family staying with her and a kid, I have the priviledge to do that at my flat and I have done that this evening.

I also had Miranda over and Titania was around. Plus, with some difficulty, I spoke with the Artist and told him. He's trying to get Saturday off work to come to the service. I told him he wasn't obligated but he wanted to come.

Finally I think I pinpointed a reason why I'm not as distressed as others and that's because I am not really realizing what is happening becasue I am used to not seeing my Dad becasue I've been away. I think the service will be a turning point as will cleaning out his apartment early next week. And I'm sure over the next month or two it'll be more real as I have moments and issues where I'd talk to him or be with him and I won't be able to.

I'm going to go watch some CSI to make me fall asleep.

Overnights

My worst times are definately in the mornings and when I'm trying to fall alsleep. ALso, being in my Dad's apartment today and going through stuff was hard but not as hard aas I had anticipated. It was sad but not at all creepy or uncomfortable.

I'm staying at my sister's house tonight so we can talk about some things and make a mixed CD up for the service that will happen on Saturday. I'm going to take next week off work too to sort my Dad's stuff with my grandma and sister and others.

The only friend I've seen so far is Titania but I've talked to others. I'm still doing ok but I know it's only half hitting me.