Feeling Better

Well Titania and I did go out today. Breakfast with her sister, shopping, walking a lot around stanley park and then a bit more shopping, a really good salad at Capers and then we came home to indulge in popcorn and we watched "Dead Poets Society." I feel a bit more relaxed and able if not happy and excited, but I do feel much better.

We went to virgin today while I was feeling relaxed and pretty and funny. I couldn't find what I wanted so I tried to find C (because I can't keep calling him "the boy at virgin") but he seemed not to be in so I asked someone else. The DVD is out of stock but on order. That does mean another trip though. Well it's not like I was not going to go there again even if they did have the film.

I got a sunburn on my shoulder today and a bit on my chest (I was wearing a really low cut shirt today and it sucks. Plus it was overcast the whole day. I did look super cute today in general though thanks partly to the shirt. I do have some really strong baby sunscreen which I always put on my tattoos if there is the slightest bit of sun but it looks like I'll have to be a bit more cautious. I also have to buy some really good sunscreen for my face but that will be expensive. But it does mean an excuse to shops at Holt's where I can't afford hardly anything but would love to shop at more often. That may seem sad to some but I love it.

Running Away

I've had a day that was not good at all and not productive at all. I actually don't think I did anything other than bathe and read. I have actual things to do as well which I should get done before Titania's home from work. It's also means that I didn't go to work. In fact the furthest I went today is to the post box.

I'm just feeling sad and misplaced. Tomorrow Titania and I will be going out so I hope that will cheer me up a bit. I must go into work on Thursday and Friday just becasue I do have work to do. Nothing unusual has gotten to me. As said in an email to Midge, I think how I'm feeling now is how people expected me to feel three weeks ago.

And none of it is something people can fix or make me feel better about. I just have to go through the motions a bit and get used to things and sort myself out. It'll happen, I'm just not feeling like it'll be quick. I want something to be excited about and I don't have anything right now.

Sex and night

I really should be sleeping but I feel energized. I've had two orgasms in the last hour and I just felt like declaring how much I enjoy things about sex. Sexual trivia, sexual science, sex facts and sexual history, sex related film and books. I'm not talking explicitness or porn or whatever. Just things about sex. And talking about it. I really like to talk about sex - or elements of it. conversations about lube or positions or whatever. I really enjoy those conversations but I'm only occasionally indulged.

I thought for a bit that this interest may have something to do with me not currently having any actual sex but I don't think it's true becsaue even when I was coupled and getting it I still loved the other aspects. I have several sexual memories from my childhood and many that reveal that I didn't really understand the actual process of sex but that I was still interested. I would be itnerested in talkign about them but people can get really creeped out by that sort of thing.

And part of it is discovering things I don't know or other ways of seeing things. I also think that curiosity is present in many of my other interests, but sex is something that I don't get to talk excitedly about too often. I have been lightly exploring some different fantasies recently in terms of what they focus on and who they involve.

I have decided that the only type of casual sex type relationship I'd be interested in is with a female friend. It wouldn't have to be a really close friend but it could be. On the otherside I have really specific sexual needs I'd have a hard time going without in a boyfriend - particularly relating to openness, playfulness and experimentation.

And I really want to talk to the boy at virgin. He had very neat and purposfully done hair- but not in a trendy way. I feel like yesterday I made it sound like he wasn't hot. He wasn't typically indie/dishevelled hot, but he was cute. He was wearing black nail polish. I tend to assume guys who wear nail polish are gay or coupled but still cool as friends. I don't remember much else. I was told his name but I forget other than it starts with a "C" and I don't think it was a good name (I have issues with names but not a deal-breaking thing at all). I also really liked his voice. I'm not sure how but I remember liking it. I should have made eye contact because I totally avoided it even when I was talking to him. I smiled though.

ok, I've gone on about stuff enough. I really need to go to sleep because this sleeping pattern I'm developing is not at all good.

Hot Chocolate

I didn't go into work today. I did have Olive email me some files so I could work from home but I didn't do any of said work. I will go in everyday for the rest of the week so it's ok. I did some art in the afternoon which was good and cooked dinner.

Conversation with Titania a few nights ago:
(She's in bed and I go into her room becasue I know she's still awake)

me: do you still have the shoe box from your new etnies?
her: ya.
me: does it have one of the flip lids or one that comes right off?
her: I think a flip one.
me: cool. Can I have it.
her: sure. It's under the vanity.
me: thanks.
her: why do you want it?
me: to put stuff in.
her: what kind of stuff?
me: does it matter?
her: no...
me: cool. thanks.

I'm covering that box in cool paper tonight and it will be a holder for all my assorted sex related things (printed stories, toys, lube, batteries) now that I have no end table.

Something feels weird about today but I'm not sure what. I feeel disconnected from things and that is not good. I wrote and artistically embellished two secrets today. I was going to talk about one here but that would make it not a secret. I still might. It depends how much I think about it. I think it was something going on in my head while I had no boys to think about. Well I know that's not entirely true because it's not completely new but it's much more inportant that normal in the last few weeks.

I'm missing two things that are small but important. I know I brought them home from england but I'm not sure where exactly they are in the flat. I think they accidentally got put in a box and then put in the storage closet. I was thinking of sorting that stuff yesterday and today but it's got so much stuff in it I just couldn't get motivated to do so.

On Wednesday I'm going to a line release at a shop her called Escents that sells aromatherapy and bath products. I used to love them but they reformulated a bunch of products I loved and increased all their prices so I only kind of like them now. Also, the importance of aromatherapy in my life has decreased. Anyways, a friend of Titania's now works there and gave us an invite to a special event with champagne cocktails, free gifts and 25% off the new line. I've wanted to buy a new perfume recently that's a bit softer and fresher than my normal one (Angel by Thierry Mugler) which is quite intense and rich.

I like that my audiopost has inspired some people to comment. I will definately do it again but maybe you'll get my normal voice - a bit faster and higher pitched. My voice sounds a bit different right after sleeping or not talking for a bit which is what you got. Lower and calmer.

I have no plans other than the thing above for this week but on Monday my sister and I are going to the spa and getting a crazy amount of treatments done. 40 hours total, a massage, body wrap, manicure and pedicure. Expensive but so deserved. I'd like to have plans other than that this week but who knows. I guess I'm not really sure what I want. half of me feels solitary and wanting to just curl up with popcorn and films, but the other half wants to go dancing and to talk to the boy at virgin and end up having lots of really great sex with him. ok, well all of me wants to talk to him and have the great sex, but only half of me is ok about the process of getting there. I should talk to my friend that works there and see what she has to say.

ok, off I go to cover my box (am I the only one who thinks that's amusing?) and then east popcorn and watch CSI:Miami. I long for England and the spirit it made me realize I have. I know still with me but I am just not sure how to use it.

My First

I recorded a full minutes of talking about the boy from virgin records. It cut me off as I was going to say I watched "wicker Park" tonight and it was decent. A little monotone but interesting enough. Plus they play a Broken Social Scene song during the credits and that is cool.

I'm not sure if I'll ever make another audiopost but I might. I used to not be a huge fan of my voice but I am on my company's phone system so I got used to it a bit but not completely. It was also really easy to do. We'll see. I wasn't super articulate but it's late and I really blabber.

I'm one my hot chocolate now and am going to try to sleep again. I did have a few things to talk about in relation to sexual fantasies but that will happen later. I was intending to go into work tomorrow but considering it's almost 3 and I'm not sleeping that doesn't look too likely. another thing well see about.

Pleasure

Well I am using my laptop for the first time in about twso weeks and it makes me very happy that I can again do computer things while in bed. It makes me want to pay for porn again and might have an increasing affect on my currently low rate of wanking. I can also totally catch up on my blog reading tomorrow and move photos and music to the big computer to free up room on this one.

Other things that have made for a good day:

1. A great haircut that has left me feeling really beautiful.

2. Buying a new record by a local band called Destroyer.

3. Being funny a lot today.

4. Meeting new people.

5. Walking around the flat when Titania is home in a tank and a thong and have her doing the same with no self-consciousness at all.

6. Planning on renting the local community centers pool for a private party. mostly not serious though.

7. Buying a cute, affordable, and locally designed change purse.

8. Eating good and affordable sushi.

9. Petting a very cute little pug.

10. Talking to the boy who works at virgin but only because he rang up my purchases. More about this tomorrow.

I'm going to go and try to get a good nights sleep in (with a new pillow!) because I have a bunch of things to do tomorrow.

French Toast

The show last night was awesome. We took some cool photos and I drank red wine and just enjoyed. It's odd how everything that comes out of his mouth makes me feel like I'm at home, no matter if I'm here or in England or whatever. It makes me feel so grounded. But it's not what you would think from listening to it but it works for me. One of Titanias friends joined us. Weve only met once and a long time ago but she was super sweet and we're going to see her perorm tonight as part of the Jazz Fest happening here for the next two weeks.

I must say I'm kind of proud becasue it's just after 9:30 and I'm dressed, showered and have made breakfast for both of us. We're going to IKEA thanks to the driving services of my (currently kind of crazy) mother. No crazy binge but just a few things we need to make the house a bit more comfortable and give me a bit more privacy.

I'm going to run and fix my hair a bit and decide if I want to wear make-up. I probably shouldn't just for the IKEA trip, but will certainly later when we go out. We're going shopping with Titania's little brother and then getting our hair done, then going for dinner and then to the show. SHould be another good evening.

Lunch

Today for lunch Olive and I (I went to work for the third day in a row) walked into gastown to this cafe that makes great sandwiches and pasts salad. I only had a sandwich today but it's was sooo bloody good; roasted mushrooms, avocado, spinach and melted cheese on foccacia. So good.

I've only been putting in 4 or 5 hour days at work but I am getting things done at a very good pace so I feel good about it. I think I'm going to o the same next week but try to go in all five days. I'm going to have to get used to it wheather I like it or not.

Tonight I am going to the album release I have already mentioned a bunch but I am excited. Only Titania is coming with me but it'll be good that way. Tomorrow morning I'm going to ikea, then Titania are going to lunch, shopping (power cord so I can use my laptop!) and then getting our hair cut. Just a trim for me but they will blow it out straight so I'll feel super great for a few days.

Aside from all that goodness, I think I've gained some weight since getting back. I'm sure the decrease in walking daily makes a difference but I'm walking to and from work everyday and Olive and I have been taking walks during Lunch and Titania and I are walking on some evenings. I just can't stand paying for the stupid bus as much as it costs unless I need to go far away. Also Titania mentioned this morning that she wanted to start working out in the morning so I might join her but the only shoes I have that are ok for running are still in Europe. I could roller skate though.

I'm also feeling sick which might me due to a new medication to help my cramps becasue my old one was pulled off the market due to findings that show an increased risk in heart failure for people taking it regularly (I was not). SO they put me on this type of med that is a very strong type of advil but when I was on a similar but less strong kind before I found the one that worked it made me really sick and they had to give me another prescription so that I could eat again becasue my stomache revolted. Anyways, they gave me a stronger one becasue the only other alternative was birth control pills and I decided to try the meds that I wouldn't have to take everyday. All that said I feel like my stomache is not happy but I took the meds on Monday and felt fine until yesterday so that might not be the cause.

Last health related complaint is that some think is wrong ith the left side of my back/neck/shoulder and whenever I move in a certain way I feel a sharp pain and it does not make me at all happy. I am going to dry the dishes so the kitchen will be clean to make a salad for dinner once Titania gets home. I might also try to do some stretching to help my back. Otherwise things are ok though. I have some boy (or lack-of-boy) thoughts rummaging through my head but nothing worthy of posting. I will be visitng virgin tomorrow though to get a new record maybe so we'll see if that has any effect.

Actually, ntohing will occur becasue I'm dealing with another health thing right now that makes me feel pretty shitty about myself but I'm not ready to talk about here. Somehow talking about it makes it more real and I think that it should matter to me or others. But it really matters to me and I think if I say it here everyone who reads will be like "that's why she's single...now I get it". Although you may already get it without this thing so who knows. This who thing is actually why I didn't even ask him a question about anything last time I was there.

More tomorrow I think. I have an invite out tomorrow with a whole new crowd but I'm not sure if I'll acecpt. Back pain, and self-confidence need adjusting to do so.

Another evening

Well I spent about 5 hours in the office today and got a few things done. My production/time speed is really low right now. I've got some of my practical things done and have more to do tonight. I think I'm going to spend my last dollar on popcorn too. I will be getting some money tomorrow but it's still not a great idea. whatever.

I thought I had some things to say but I forgot them all. Kind of the story of my life right now. Either I write it down, say it constantly or forget it. I guess it's just the same old stuff really. I have plans on Friday night and my be getting my hair cut with Titania on Saturday, or going to lunch with Olive. I really don't know. I'm trying to stay busy but some days/hours/moments I just want to eat popcorn and watch films forever.

In a way this whole "getting back to normal" stage has been way harder than all the actual funeral related activities. I have less to occupy me now and just have my day-to-day life. It's not bad but just not right. But all I have is feelings and nothing concrete. I guess it would be better if something was awful or something was great.

But something is awful. So completely bad I don't want to think about it at all. I know I have to and I have lots of people to talk about it with but when I say it in a way that is more than simply factual and distanced...well the thing is that's the only way I have said it expect for a bit at the service with my sister. On the meme I got from classclown (I haven't finished it yet) there's a question that asks what your greatest fear is. I saw it and the first thing I thought was "fulfilled". It sucks but it's really true.

I'm going to run now and have some of the soup that Titania made today and do some crafting and budgeting. My evening will be relaxing if not exciting. I might have a bath later, and we all know what will happen in there.

Being Right

Partly becasue I completely know that a commentor is correct, I am getting ready to go into work. I only have to stay as long as I want to plus neither boss will be there. I'm still not feeling great but things are ok. I've been wanking a lot but I think it's more about stress energy than excitement, and my body just wants me to.

I have some practical things to take care of over the next few days relating to applications and ammending my tax return. I also have to develop a short and long term plan and budget. I also want to do some crafting but need a few more supplies to do the projects I want to do. This might inclde visiting yarn shops over the weekend.

I'm going to go becasue I'm aiming to be at work before 11:00. Luckily it's only a 15 minute walk to work. I also want to note that I miss my people in England. I've talked to Lily, scotsman and classclown. But not stripedcoat, politics boy, dakota, or paul recently. This doesn't quite fit here but I kind of feel like taking a risk. I don't know how or what kind but I just feel it somehow. Maybe more on that later.