rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.