Step two

I confessed to Orange (aka The Knitter) last night that I've been emailing the Filmmaker. He was proud of me and thought it was a good idea. I'm still not super sure about the whole situation but knowing he's on my side is comforting. I also articualted a tiny bit about why I'm so freaked out about it. I know it's partly about knowing that it's going to end and wondering if it'll just end in me feeling rejected and worse off then I am now.

I also just don't really know who I am in a relationship. I've just been on my own for so long it's all I know and all I'm used to. Plus, last time I was in a relationship I was completely different in general. But then I'm not optimistic that this whole thing will go into relationship territory. (Orange also says I should be more optimistic.) However, we are going to meet and go for drinks in the next week or so. He just moved so he said when he's settled a bit. I agreed to it and only feel minorly sick about it so I think that's good.

I also have some stuff about school and my future profession but I have a feeling it will be more clear sometime this week. Possibily not though. Either way I'll deal wtih it once I have more information to really asses what I'm thinking and feeling.

I also have some stuff about the state of who I am as a sexual person. I'm off all my medication so I actually have a sex drive again which is pretty awesome. However, I have this big split in who I am and how my sexual persona connects to it. I feel like I'm either only sexual or void of it. Or like once someone has a peak of that part of me it's all I become. I don't really know why that is yet but I think it's something I've had for a while but it's never been much of an issue.

(A few notes for those who read before: I'm no longer really talking to Chatton and Titania. I'm not drinking anymore.)