self-destruction?

I texted CRB today. After thinking about him all last night. And seeing if he was on facebook. I know that the only reason I did this is because I am lonely. And totally wanting to have sex. That said, I know I will not get sex or any sort of companionship from him. Nor do I want it. well that much.

And I want to go to the gym and I'm getting sick.

In this totally slefish way I want him to want me but me not want him, just be getting what I need. But it's this version of him that I have in my head that I know isn't accurate.

I just need some validation and intimacy from someone who isn't a friend, and isn't a crazy ex. And I think I just might have set myself up to be totally wrecked again, but I totally loved him saying he was very happy I contacted him. And I was happy. Similing, waiting for the responses.

fuck.