Sleepy

Another morning of sleeping in and having a very long shower/bath. Last night I ended up just going to a nearby restauraunt with my old friend. We caught up a bit and looked at my Europe pictures. It was nice. I got home a bit after midnight and headed straight to bed. Once Midge joined me though sleeping was put on hold in favour of hysterical laughing recarding pie and other pussy related jokes. We were so entertained that we emailed the highlights to Blondie. We fell alseep soon after both noting how much it will suck to go back to sleeping alone.

Today I must finish researching for my paper and do some work for the presentation I'm doing on Tuesday. I should also be starting to actually write my paper too. It's technically due Monday but my instructor said we can give it to him Tuesday morning if we want to. Sunday TV sucks. I may opt to watch a film and nap. I so shouldn't though.

I'm feeling isolated today. Half unreasonable and half self-inflicted. and half a bunch of other things really. The next week of school feels like it's going to be a nightmare. Midge is leaving today. I have crafts to do. I guess it's not really that bad but it feels that way. I must go, the cat wants outside.

Resting

1. The show was good. BSP are nutty and The Killers have energy but didn't stray from the album versions of songs at all. Worth going to without question though.

2. Went for dinner with a bunch of people last night (Midge, Farmer, Eastern, Blondie and Stevie were there) and it was cool. Awesome desert and a good salad. I also met a friend of Blondie's who was cool, a friend of Stevies who was also cool though I talked to her a bit less, and a boy who Farmer is seeing and I didn't really talk to him at all but he seemed nice. I also spent more time talking to the un-named friend of Midge. I'm making him a CD of music.

3. I have two possible parties to go to tonight with Midge. One is a very close friends thing and the closer it gets the less comfortable I am going and the other is at the un-names boy's house and Midge doesn't really want to go. It's also a keg party and I'm off drinking.

4. I'm off drinking. The meds enhance the feelings of alcohol and just on an emotional level I shouldn't be drinking. I always seem to end up crying when I'm drunk. One drink when I'm out or with dinner is ok but that's it for a little bit.

5. A friend from highschool who has moved to Alberta do to some school is in town this weekend. It's the first time I've seen her since my going away party last year. She got married but just a tiny ceremony and will be having the party next summer. She's asked me to help plan it which is very exciting.

6. I'm having my monthly crampy day. I just had a therapudic bath and now I'm lounging on the couch talking to Paul in England. As much as it hurts I am having a new found love for my own blood. I won't go on about it. I'm probably the only one fascinated by it.

7. I feel like ordering pizza but I'm not going to. I'll probably make some pasta or something.

Meaningless

I'm at home and cleaning up before Titania comes home. There's some things I won't get done but I'm working on it. The killlers and BSP show is tonight and it will be very good.

I have lots to do. I feel a bit like I'm floating with all these things to do and things I want to do but not enough time to do either. I've been sleeping better but needing a lot of sleep and I'm still tired throughout the day. I don't feel settled or grounded. I guess I'm not sure how to make this all work best. or something like that.

Improving?

Well I am in bed silly early but that's ok. I just had my first actual shower since my tattoo and feel very happy about it. My tattoo is all done scabbing, which it only did in a few places anyways, so I figured getting it wet for a few minutes would be alright. I really needed to wash my hair properly.

Also, one of the surest side affect of anti-depressents (at least of the SSRi type they're trying me on) is decreased sexual desire. I don't know if it's because they haven't kicked in yet or becasue my PMS horniness is out weighing it but I wank feverishly while in the shower. It's maybe my second orgasm in a long while due to feeling stressed and not being alone too often. But mostly because I've been stressed and just not wanting it. Either way I want to sleep all naked and sprawled out.

ok, back to watching Dead Like Me while naked in bed. I will sleep early and I will not let the cat keep me up all night. I didn't do the work I'm supposed to have done for school tomorrow but I'll sort it out. Goodnight!

Touching Base

I don't have much to say right now. I'm feeling alright but not great. I didn't get near as much done this weekend as I intented to but I did get some stuff done and hopefully caught up on some sleep. I've got a busy week coming up and hopefully I'll start getting some stuff finished up so I have less to worry about.

Medicated

1. Tomorrow I start taking an anti-depressant and sleeping pills. I've been given permission to take my sedative on top of all that no more than once every two days. I've been told to find a therapist I can afford so I can go more often and for a longer time. I feel like a mess. I'm also supposed to start light therapy again when my sleep returns to kind of normal.

2. I got my boxes from England today. FCUK body products and M&S chocolate. I also found something i thought I had brought back on the plane and already lost and two awesome pairs of shoes. I also got the drinking glasses I bought in my first week. They're pretty.

3. I'm tired but overwhelmed. I'm going to not think about school this weekend except for reading my texts for lit. Instead I'm going to craft and get a bunch of projects done or nearly there so I can do a bunch of shipping next week.

4. I'm disinterested with the world. I'm disinterested in a potluck at Easterns potluck tomorrow. I just want to hide.

5. I'm hoping half of this is becasue of the rain that has signalled the official entry to fall.

Anger

I'm mad at things. I am tired and sore and itchy and overwhelmed and worried about all the lectures I've missed and worried about all the money I'm spending and frustrated I can't drink without crying and even more frustrated my days are all about not having a father around and not being in England.

It all hit suddenly. Titania said I shouldn't be tired from sitting in lectures and I just think that's ignorant because some of my lectures and my seminar is really challenging and I haven't slept soundly for more than 4 hours in what must be nearing a month. Then she said she was going to take more time off work to spend more time on the island. I realize I told her there is no pressure to pay me back the money she owes me but don't take all kinds of time off.

I feel angry at everyone and I just want to sit here and cry and be by myself. I don't want to go to celebrities because I'm going to hate everything or be loud and irritating to myself. Or I'm going to drink and cry. And I'm going to be single for fucking ever.

Plus I have to go pick up my boxes at customs and I can feel it's going to end up with my mom mad because I don't have the proper packing list, but it should be on the fucking box anyways. And if my mom's mad I'm goign to cry becasue that's about all that is even slightly reliable about my world right now.

As much as I am disenchanted with school I really need to do well becasue if I can't get into my MA program in the UK I have no idea what I'm going to do once my one year working holiday visa is up. I'm stressed and upset. I have nothing else.

Get tired

I slept like shit last night. My back is so itchy I want to dig my nails inot my skin and scream. It sucks. So last night it took forever to fall asleep but I am going to try again tonight. I am heading to bed right now and then will watch an hour of TV from there. I hope something good but not too exciting is on.

Nothing much else. I'm klind of feeling like shit. I talked to Lily today which was very nice. I am disenchanted with these days at school though. My lit lecture is starting to get more interesting but art (first time I've been in 5 lectures) is still the same. I want it to be inspiring. I want to look at the slides and feel something. Excitement. Potential. Wonder. I think that's all I really want from every part of my life.

And today I almost had a panic attack in Lit. I'm not sure why. I was hungry and I just felt disconnected - not part of the rest of the world - and like what I was doing had no meaning. And I thought about the fact that again I freaked out while drinking and how tomorrow my drinking will be kept to a minimum. And then I thought about my dad and I was stuck there. No one to talk to. Nowhere safe and quiet to go.

I make everything sound hopeless. You know the weather was nice today. Chilly but sunny. I did some school work, particularly for my midterm on Tuesday. I have good people in my house. I can make it to Thanksgiving dinner with both sides of my family.

But I miss England, want to spend my days creating things and I'd love to have a boy to snuggle up against when I am unable to fall asleep. I even want to keep going to my interesting lectures. And I want to see cut copy and Dan Bern. I really just kind of want it all I guess.

A Big Sigh

I added all my midterm and essay dates into my ical and I have a shitload due in between now and the end of the month, I totally have to buckle down and catch up on reading. I also have to start going to my Art lecture in the mornings.

Tomorrow night I might be going to dinner with Midge, the boy she knows and some Japanese people. I'm not sure yet. It really depends how much studying I get done tomorrow. I'm not sure where Midge sits about me being slightly interested in getting to know him.

My back is still tender and is very itchy. Titania has been helping me keep in moisturized though. It is more comfortable to sit and lie down though.

Last night I had a dream where something happened with a boy that didn't get bad or awkward. It was just content. I have no detail more than that. It was more of a feeling about a dream than the dream itself.

Last night Titania and I drank a lot of wine and both had crying fits in the toilet about our dad's. I had a panic attrack but my purse was at our table so I couldn't get it. I was fine though, just lots of heavy and deep breathing and "are you alright? you sure?"'s coming from other people in the toilets.

I've got to go sleep now. I must get to my morning lecture.

Off my back

My tattoo is still really tender and leaning my back against anything, even my bed, is not at all comfortable. I really want to have a really good, intense orgasm but I usually wank on my back and now can't do that. I'm going to experiment with other ways though. I also haven't bathed since Wednesday becasue I can't get my back wet. I'm going to also spend some time doing that today.

Tonight I have the option of going out to my sisters and spending the night with a bunch of her friends or going out with Titania for her sister and Penny's birthday. They've reserved a room out in an irish pub to spend the night in after dinner. My sister's place is just kind of a girls night for them to all drink wine and chat and get a break for their men and kids. Her's will be more relaxed whereas with Titania there'll be new people and more action.

I should decide soon because my sister will come out and pick me up so we can take my dad's second computer to her house for my nephew.