Get tired

I slept like shit last night. My back is so itchy I want to dig my nails inot my skin and scream. It sucks. So last night it took forever to fall asleep but I am going to try again tonight. I am heading to bed right now and then will watch an hour of TV from there. I hope something good but not too exciting is on.

Nothing much else. I'm klind of feeling like shit. I talked to Lily today which was very nice. I am disenchanted with these days at school though. My lit lecture is starting to get more interesting but art (first time I've been in 5 lectures) is still the same. I want it to be inspiring. I want to look at the slides and feel something. Excitement. Potential. Wonder. I think that's all I really want from every part of my life.

And today I almost had a panic attack in Lit. I'm not sure why. I was hungry and I just felt disconnected - not part of the rest of the world - and like what I was doing had no meaning. And I thought about the fact that again I freaked out while drinking and how tomorrow my drinking will be kept to a minimum. And then I thought about my dad and I was stuck there. No one to talk to. Nowhere safe and quiet to go.

I make everything sound hopeless. You know the weather was nice today. Chilly but sunny. I did some school work, particularly for my midterm on Tuesday. I have good people in my house. I can make it to Thanksgiving dinner with both sides of my family.

But I miss England, want to spend my days creating things and I'd love to have a boy to snuggle up against when I am unable to fall asleep. I even want to keep going to my interesting lectures. And I want to see cut copy and Dan Bern. I really just kind of want it all I guess.