One more step

Last night I had a dream about going into work. I felt bad for dropping my responsibilities there and obligated to finihs things. But things had changed again and so I had to do thing I thought were done over. I was lost and confused and needing to cry.

I also had a dream about being in England. I was in a city I was unfammiliar with and had gone to have dinner with some people. Then I needed to get home by train but I didn't know exactly where the train station was just what bus I needed to take to get there. I didn't even know what time the train back to Nottingham was. But I felt comfortable on the bus. I recognized the train station symbol as we were driving so I knew where to get off. The station was super busy and I couldn't find the schedules. But I knew how the automatic machines worked and I felt fine. I even talked to people while in the queues about how busy it was.

This morning I went to the councelling office for the third time but again I was too late to get an appointment; all the appointments for first-time people are set that day, after the first appointment you can book in advance. But the woman recognized me and let me set an appointment for Thursday. That is good.

I also fell asleep again in my lit lecture. I just don't get it. I was asleep by 11:30 and woke up just after 7:30. That's 8 hours sleep. I shouldn't need to then fall asleep during lectures or on the bus on the way home.

I want to go see a film and have considered asking IceHockey but I'm not sure how. It feels like it would be out of place. Like I don't know if he likes going to the cinema or if he likes the type of film I want to see. We talked about meeting up for a music event but a film is different. hmmm.

Two steps back

So I actually spent some time working on my Egypt paper today. I only have 1 and a half more sources to read before writing. But it's two weeks late as of tomorrow and I have a another paper due on Tuesday and a midterm on Thursday. So I'm not too sure what to do.

I'll admit to feeling better on some fronts. I'm sleeping through the night and I feel more energized while I'm awake. On the other hand, I'm still feeling unmotivated, displaced, lonely and unsure of things. I constantly want to craft and takes baths. Nothing else.

I considered again dropping the Egypt lecture. So I checked my credits. There's this little note that says 3 of the 6 science cradits I have aren't valid towards the 6 science credits required to graduate. So no matter what I'm short. And it's irritating because even when I saw the advisor three weeks ago he confirmed that I had all my science credits. Plus I don't know yet how my credits from England are transferring so I can't see how many of my exact requirements I've actually fulfilled anyway.

Again I'm feeling discouraged. I'm not sure how to proceed or what my best course of action is. The confusion just makes me want to have a bath and go to bed early. I wish I could actually do the things I needed to on time and with confidence and excitement.

Falling Asleep

I can't fall alseep. I shouldn't have had a three hour nap today and then do a whole load of nothing after that. Tomorrow I must write my Egypt paper llike I have nothing else in the world to do. Chatton is coming over in the evening because we haven't seen each other in weeks so I'd like to have it done by then.

I keep thinking that it would help me if I were sharing my bed with someone. Just a warm bady to be near. I would b able to hear their relaxed breathing and mimic it to slow my own. Or to have them rub my stomach until I'm alseep. Or massage my neck to get me to relax a bit. I'd return the favour on nights they couldn't sleep for sure.

But above all my want to have someone around is to know that someone wants to be with me and to feel that sense of comfort. It's really all quite basic in terms of wants. I just don't really know how to go about getting it. I'm glad Titania and I are starting to workout together. My doctors think it's really important to keep my mood and energy stable but I think it will help me fell a little bit more confident even if I don't lose any weight. I hate admitting that might be a factor in my life not including a guy in so many ways.

But I am getting into something I don't have the energy or desire to get into.The basics are is I want someone to sleep with and I'm not always sure why I don't have that. Crap. I was doing so good sleeping early. I think I have to work a bit harder to keep at it.

Amazing

It's 9:30 am and I have already gotten home from a 25 minute run with Titania. She's getting ready to go to work now and I am just doing my web-routine before making some breakfast and doing some studying. Tommorrow is a Carmen Electra day.

Another great thing I did is some prelimenary work on the potential bibliographies for the three papers I have due over the next month. I only looked for books and I will hopefully get to looking for articles tomorrow.

I am really tired now though. I didn't sleep early last night. I'm having problems in the way that I feel physically aroused but my mind can't get into it long enough to get me off. So I go look for some aid online but nothing helps. Nothing I usually like, nothing new either. I don't quite know what to think about it.

A Decent Day

I didn't go to lectures but I did go out and go shopping. I got new yoga pants, a bunch of tanks, a yellow sweater and some underwear (below). I need bras but I couldn't find any I like and that fit. The one I was wearing today was silly though as it doesn't even fit at all. I'll need new ones for sure soon.

I've got lots to do this weekend and I've already done some of it. So far it's going well.

Take me

Today:
I didn't go to my Egypt lecture. Instead I slept until just after 9:00 and went for a morning run with Titania. We only ran a bit and walked the resst but it feels good. I am going to have her take some pictures of my back and then I am going to work on my Egypt paper. Then I will go to my lectures this evening.

Yesterday:
I met Titania for brunch which was awesome. Then we walked to where the greif place was but were really early. So we went to Pier 1 (both of our maiden visits) and discussed the awesome Christmas party we're going to have. Then we went to Future Shop and wandered around looking for cheap DVD'd. We settled on Carmen Electra's Striptease workout. We got the first of 5 DVD's. After our councilling thing, which went really well and I will continue to go to, we went home exhausted.

After some cleaning and stuff we decided to do the Striptease workout. It was so much fun. We mastered the warm-up workout and got pretty good at the first workout. We danced for over an hour. We ate dinner and throughly enjoyed the evening of TV.

Tomorrow:
I'm going to go to class and then go buy some new pants and maybe a coat. I must do laundry also and do some oneline bibliography building and finish the Egypt paper. Both these things will continue over the weekend.

From School

All in time

Today I feel awake and like I actually have some decent, real energy in me. I'm still lacking some motivation and I am going to be in bedd by around 10:30 but in general I am feeling much better.

Tomorrow I'm going to a group meeting for dealing with loss and greif with Titania. I'm not too sure what to expect but I'm hoping it will be a good thing for me to do a few times a month. Schedule wise it works really good for me and it's by donation which is way more affordable than my current therapist. We'll be hitting the Art gellery afterwards so I can get a head start on a paper due during finals based on the work of my choice there and to distract ourselves probably.

In terms of school I survived my two midterms on Monday - one much better than the other. I sucked on my art exam to the point I felt like I was going to throw up while walking to my lit midterm and wanted to take an ativan so bad but knew my alertness wouldn't be good enough if I did. On the upside the Lit exam went realy really well I think. I have my Egypt aper still to write for Thursday and then I have a paper and a Midterm for next week.

Titania warned me that the anti-depressant I'm on gave her crazy dreams when she was on it a few years ago. Last night I had some weird dreams. And the night before too. I only have tidbits so here's a list of key things.
-CRB (one of the boys in my cast of characters), dinner and the Lovre in Paris
-Getting a make over butneeding to tweeze my eyebrows
-Seeing paintings with doves, blood, spears, dogs and hippos
-Titania moving and leaving only toothpaste

oday I bought some groceries and way more chocolate than I'd usually get. I've been completely craving sweet things which is silly becasue I drink a Mocha nearly every morning. At least on mornings where I'm at school for a while after class or earlier enough in the morning. They put a Starbucks in the sub now too so I get get the good Mochas.

Last thing, I'm making friends at school. It's kind of nice. A few of us our going to Lunch and to shop for yarn and then go to the Art GAllery together to work on our papers more. It'll be good. But for now I've got to paper write and do lots of reading. My want for sex seems to be making a very slow return as well. I have some fantasy issues/problems right now but I'll talk about that another day.

Sunday Calm

Well I had a great breakfast and shopping jaunt with Titania today. Breakfast was actually with a bunch of others which was good. It was in a neighbourhood we don't usually hang out in so it was good.

Since we got home at nearly 4:00 this afternoon I have done very little of the studying I should be doing. I'm pretty fucking hopeless when it comes down to it. Nothing new though really. Still it's not good at all. I really do have to buckle down and do stuff though. I wish it (studying) came more naturally to me. I need to be more than good when I get assessed and that means I have to put in a bit of work. I could maintain a B average with just attending lectures and doing last minute papers but I need an A average. That means just a little more work.

My energy is a bit better. I still get tired quickly but I do have a few hours each day where I feel rested. It's hard to decide between studying and sleeping. Really hard. Also my neck and right arm is really sore. I feel it in my shoulder and along my whole arm - joints and muscles. I'd love a massage.

But I am going to go study. Even if it's only for an hour or so and barely cuts through the surface. By 11:00 tomorrow all I'll have due for this week is the silly Egypt paper. Next week is one paper and one Midterm. I might ask for a one week extension on the paper though.

Following Up

1. I can hand my Egypt paper in on Tuesday or Wednesday no problem. Now I must work on it.

2. I didn't go to lectures today because the bus I'd take was barely working due to the job action this morning.

3. Next week I have the paper due and two midterms.

4. The week after I have the last of my midterms and a paper due.

5. My cat and I are having a nice chill day. I just got out of a bath that was over an hour long.

6. Last night I had a dream about breasts. And friends. It didn't end in sex.

7. I realized that I am completely lacking any emotional want for sex and all my physical want is just about stress.

8. Today I feel rested for the first time in weeks. Being in bed by 10:30 and sleeping by 11:30 seems to be working.

9. I haven't actually done any work or cleaning yet today. I promised Titania I'd do some cleaning.

10. I know the core of my sadness is nothing that can be slept away or medicated away. That's a bit intimidating.