Way too long

I'm not going to update that last month really. Just that I've been working a lot and the wedding (plus vintage dress) was awesome. I really only need to come here (even though I'm the only one really) to work things out for myself. When I'm done I'm going to watch "Notting Hill", feel bad about being alone, and then go to bed. Well hopefully I'm just kidding about the second one. I might actually change the movie choice for that reason.

2 weeks ago:

Filmmaker contacted me on Facebook. I ignored. Just like I did about 2 months ago when he did the same.

On Friday:

After work I met Orange and we hung out for a few hours, just talking. Had dinner, wandered around. Looked at shoes. But two things happened, and later I felt sad about them. First, he was quizzing me about various things about my/womens sexual likes. I wouldn't tell him a thing. Partly because we were in public. I wish I could say that the other part was feeling like it was something private, or even being too shy, but that wasn't it at all.

It's that I am feeling more nonsexual these days than I have in a very, very long while. I've wanked maybe 4 times since I moved in the spring. That's not at all an exaggeration (underexageration?). And I will admit that Filmmaker, as my most recent partner) will come to mind sometimes in a sexual way and I just feel uncomfortable with the whole thing and totally put off. He wasn't bad in bed. That's not it. It's something else I haven't figured out. Well maybe I could try to articulate it a bit more but I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't see what positive result can come from it.

But the feeling in general makes me sad. It makes me feel incomplete, and like there's no point in getting involved with anyone (well it fits into the huge basket of things that make me not want to do this).

And then later Orange was trying to get me to do a rap move thing with my arms and I wouldn't. I felt stupid and it was totally out of my comfort zone. And there was music in the skytrain when he walked me there and he wanted me to dance and I totally refused. He told me I had a shell around me and I had to let it go.

And then I felt sad about it. That I'll only dance when I'm by myself, drunk or out of town. But it's not just dancing. Sometimes it's just laughing. Or talking to someone I don't know. And since I don't drink much anymore, and I don't really go "out of town" all this stuff is rare.

But I thought I was doing ok and things were good and moving forward and hopeful. So I feel bad that maybe I've been fooling myself. Then as I've mentioned before, maybe so long ago that it really shouldn't be an issue at all these days, I get sad about one thing, and 30 seconds later I'm sad about my dad. Sometimes I end up so sad it just hurts and I feel totally discouraged. And then I want to get on a plane and magically be able to enjoy my life again without any of this. (Which I completely understand will not happen. I also realize my year in Britain was not without it's tears and loneliness anyways.)

2. Last Nights dream x2

I have been watching a lot of "The Unit" on tv these days so that influenced the scene a lot.

I was in this big crowded building and there were lots of people any everyone was scared and running everywhere trying to escape. There were a lot of "bad guys" running around shooting people. There was also a team of specialist "good guys" ordering people to do things to escape or help. They told me that I had to keep my face hidden from the "bad guys" or I would get shot. I distinctly remember having a white towel that I kept covering my face with while a guy was watching me with a gun. Every once in a while I would peek out but he would be there and I would quickly cover my face back up. Later a woman handed me this thing that looked like a oversize remote control with lots of buttons and told me I had to get it to the "good guys" because they would know how to use it.

(How this can translate into real life: I feel that if I show anyone my true self, I will be hurt in a way I may not recover from.)

Later on everything was different. I was in my old apartment and Filmmaker was there. We seem to have just spend the night together. It was the morning though and I realized that this was a huge mistake. Everything he did or said was irritating, and all I wanted him to do was get out and never talk to me ever again. I was trying to figure out how I thought getting back together might ever be a good idea.

I didn't say anything though. I just curled up in my bed with my head under the covers willing him to leave soon.

(no profound real-life translation here.)

3. 10 am this morning. and later.

I receive an email notifying me that Filmmaker has sent me a facebook message. I feel sick. I call Midge and ask her to read it for me once she gets to work. I text Zebra the following two messages when she askes me "what does he want?"

"Probably to tell me I'm a bitch. And that I never really cared for him, and will never be able to care for anyone more than myself. And that I'm cold" (He said this all to me in the course of over break-up)
"It's no wonder I'm not wanting to be dating these days"

Midge gets back to me. He just wants to talk - nothing mean. He still thinks about me and needs some things resolved. He hopes I'll call him. Midge also says his "status" includes the words "sad" and "heartbroken".

I end up feeling more sick. I'm also working from home, canceling all the weeks spa/salon appointments because it's not ready to open on time. I don't like feeling sick and confused while doing this, but eventually it ends up being the perfect distraction.

4. Now

I don't know if I'm going to call him. I'm worried he's looking to me for answers I can't provide, but he thinks I can. That he'll want more about "why" I ended things, when there isn't more than I already said, no matter how vague it may have seemed to him. On the one hand I feel like he deserves to have the opportunity to talk to me. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have any obligation to him. I explained a lot of things to him back in May and was never dishonest.

I just don't see what talking will accomplish. I personally, have no need to talk to him. I would be doing something I don't want to do because he asked me to and thinks he needs it. And then what if it doesn't settle his thoughts? And in his message he said that he hopes I "can" call him. I can call him, but I don't know if I'm willing to. Completely different things, and he's totally assuming things I might be feeling, which is totally inappropriate.

This didn't help anything. I am now cold and restless.

short list

1. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. I still have four theory tests to write, but I can do those on my own time. I feel mostly prepared. Slow, but technically good.

2. I think I am taking out my need for sex on my hair. It constantly needs to be changed. Zebra says this is ok as long as I don't shave it all of. Which I won't.

3. I'm not sure if I have money to pay my rent because my work schedule has been wierd and pay day is almost a week after the 1st. This doesn't seem to affect my spending habits though.

4. I need to shop for a wedding outfit, but I have no time and it's getting close. I also need to return those shoes (which will be too small for Midge).

5. I am exhausted but somehow alert. That said, I've been a little klutzy and teary so that signals an impending breakdown. I've decided my day off will be Tuesday.

Monday Morning

I think I've re-developed the healthy habit of getting up in the morning with enough time to eat, relax and get ready without any rushing or being late for things. I mean I have an hour before I need to leave the house and I've made breakfast, showered, talked to my roommate, played online. I still have to do my hair and make-up, pack my bag, do dishes and make lunch. But all in a totally manageable time frame.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I had all sorts of things I wanted to say but this morning none of them are still in my head. hmm. I went and spent a lot of money on Saturday because I was bored, lonely, and kind of depressed. Most of it was clothes, which I do need, but I'm taking back on of the pairs of shoes. They are cute, but not really work appropriate, and I need comfy black shoes for work.

I talked to my boss yesterday at work and she is happy to teach me to do eyelash extensions (yay!) and airbrush tanning if I want to learn.

That's really it I guess. I'm lonely and want to date , but I feel too busy to really make time for other people, especially ones I don't know, and I don't know how to meet people. It's a complicated problem. Plus I'm pretty sure it'll speed into a relationship and then I'll freak out and end it. ugh.

Hair

My hair got coloured last night and looks really nice. Just a little bit darker and a little bit more violet than before. And a perfect mix of what I wanted and what is appropriate.

I'm thinking of doing something completely different with my make-up today for school, but with the new hair I'm not sure if it'll be overkill. I had a dream last night where someone called my hair immature for being such an unnatural colour.

Otherwise things are ok. I got some serious positive feedback from my teacher yesterday so I'm feeling good about that. I must go finish getting ready for school though. Whether it's different or not my hair and make-up still have to be done. And I'm hungry for breakfast.

rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.

Four days

I've been thinking of posting most of this weekend but haven't. clearly. Until now that is. I'm still not too sure that I can now. I don't really know where I am right now.

The quick version of thoughts I can't feel I can articulate.
1. my dad, his birthday
2. love/lack
3. future
4. taking things personally
5. being someone else's priority
6. loneliness
7. indulgence
8. constantly searching
9. constantly missing "something"
10. touch
11. confusion
12. displacement
13. laziness
14. distraction
15. selfishness
16. self pity
17. self care

It's been overwhelming. I don't know how rested I feel at all. Luckily it's a short week.

A few things

I'm still not in a very good state of mind. I mean I'm still doing everything happily and hopefully, but it's pretty surfacey.

I saw the artist last night. Same as always. nothing really to report.

My birth control got all screwed up this month so my period is all weird and happening when it's not supposed to and I'm sure that's contributing to my mood.

I was very tired at work today and not feeling very well either. I came home and slept for three hours. Then I got up, made dinner and watched "The Devil Wears Prada", which I mostly liked.

I still like my new hair cut. I wish I made more time to flat iron it more because it looks really cute that way.

I think I could be having some minor symptoms of PTSD. This summer's been pretty hard. Really since the bugs and breaking up with Filmmaker, so a bit longer than the summer. But it all goes back to this one day of losing so much all at once without any way to say goodbye.

I don't feel like I should be this sad and emotional. I don't feel like it's justified by the actual state of my life. I feel perpetually heart-broken.

Part 2

So much the same as lat night really. I'm feeling slow and melty. I'm picturing things from "the Phantom Tollbooth" in the doldrums. I haven't seen the movie in so long though that I could be completely off in terms of appropriate imagery.

I feel like going on a date. To a movie and for floats and french fries. But just as much, I feel like buying tons of product even though I don't really need anything.

I fear I may be getting too old for this type of angst. Everyone is growing up but I'm still in the same place in lots of ways. Well not in the same place, but on the same level maybe. Or maybe it's a lack of being anywhere in a complete way that's the problem. And I fear that even finishing school and settling into the new job still won't bring any of it.


(and every bit of love I will ever receive will fall short of what I, in my heart, actually need. I am weighed down tremendously by this.)

question marks

So I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like the night didn't go fast enough. I did some stuff for school, but haven't been doing my best work today, which is frustrating in general. I'm hungry, but not enough to actually eat something, and I am thirsty but not for the three things currently available to me. Four if you count the vodka in the freezer actually.

I'm tired but not ready for sleep. I've got lots to do but don't want any of it. I'm not in a bad mood, but couldn't see myself being very good company. It's all quite confusing.

Everything I want to eat, drink, and occupy myself with is not here. or something like that. I feel something that I can't put my finger on. maybe a lack of short term direction? I mean I think that would be nearly impossible given the current state of things in my life. Maybe this is something like ambivalence. It's kind of all nonsense I think.

blankets

I want to have sex. with someone who will fall asleep next to me. with some who, in the morning, will either convince me to stay in bed long (to have more sex) or will get up early with me (to have breakfast on the porch).

And unfortunately masturbating is less appealing than sleeping alone. I'm frustrated.