Pictures

I started the day off in a sad and stressed mood. I am still stressed (more than I can handle really admitting) but not so sad. I want to spend hours organizing my flickr site, doing tags and sets and descriptions. It would make me happy in the long run I think. Or I could work on the school things I need to do. That's probably a more effective use of my time. Or looking for a job. ugh.

Anyways, I just wanted to post pictures of what I got this weekend.

Flower Pasties:


A few assorted condoms and lube samples:


Book of naughty crosswords (from Miranda for my birthday):


Soy candle that melts into an edible massage lotion:

16 hours

1: conversations about style and shoes

1: conversations about cheating

3: times the cat woke us up

5: number of condoms used

I didn't go to school today. I am feeling good. Awesome even. That's all for now.

Mystery

Well yesterday I posted about the funeral because I freaked out and couldn't go. It was awful and I was a huge mess. I don't know where the post went though.

I'm feeling better today though. Dinner last night was awesome and instead of dancing everyone just went home. FIlmmaker came home with me even though he had to be up at 5:00 this morning. We won't be seeing each other again until he finishes editing the movie he's shooting today. That's Tuesday or Wednesday, which sucks. I am getting very used to this sex thing.

But him and Mirandas man totally talked and a friend of Midges was there and she was awesome to get to know better. It was just really nice. And everyone kept saying how nice I looked. I got fun gifts and there's some gifts that I will get later. It's nice to have them spread out a bit.

That's it. just a bit of fast stuff. I am going to buy some yarn today and go to the sex show with Miranda. I must not spend a lot of money but I need to buy a few things.

I'm about to leave work to go to this stupid funeral that I do not want to be a part of. Filmmaker stayed over again last night which was nice becasue after tonight I won't see him again until Wednesday. The sex was rough but very good. I woke up angry because I just wanted to stay in bed a few more hours and was dreading the first half of my day. I want to just be excited about dinner.

So anyways, I grabbed what I thought was my ativan (lorazepam on the bottle) so I could stave off any anger and panic. Make it through in a haze of sedatives or something. But I just went to go take one and the bottle contains not lorazepam, but citalopram. That's an antidepressant which won't help at all. The lesson is to not only pay more attention, but to throw out old meds and finnally unpack all my bathroom/makeup/jewelry stuff so it all has a proper place.

So now I'm extra stressed because if I do panic I have nothing to get me through it. And all that makes me feel like panic is unavoidable.

ok, I must go now. I'm mad and I hate this. I feel like either throwing up or yelling. I don't get mad too often but this has me all worked up.

Unloading

Last night I was spoiled by FIlmmaker in the way that I wanted to be spoiled by my mom on Tuesday.

On Tuesday I went over to my mom's for dinner. I was expecting dinner to be made with me in mind but it was steak and spaghetti. First, I don't eat steak. Second, Spaghetti is like my lazy/poor dinner. It wasn't even fancy or homemade sauce or something. I felt like I just happened to be there for a dinner they were in a rush to make. Then I got gifts. I wasn't expecting that because my mom accidentally paid some money on my credit card in November and since my credit card is now maxed from Christmas she said it could be my birthday present. So I was already feeling a bit ripped off (and like a bad person for feeling that way) and then both the gifts are exercise related. I did mention kind of wanting an exercise ball but not as much as other things I asked for for Christmas and I just felt bad that my Brithday present was stuff to make me lose weight. I'm crying now. And there is a book I want that didn't arrive before Christmas that I'm going to get, and my mom did buy me cords last week because I'm broke and needed pants really badly. Then the cake was an ice cream cake and I don't particularly love ice cream cake and then I felt more dismissed, and like an ungreatful brat. I felt like crap.

But last night FIlmmaker came over after he was done work. I asked him to bring me a chocolate bar. He showed up with two kinds of soy ice cream, a chocolate brownie from the restaurant he works at (that he made that morning), fudge sauce, and 3 choclate bars. We talked and watched some tv and then had wonderful sex and slept until morning. I'm getting used to this - the treating and the sex.

And I'm broke. And not just normal broke, but not able to pay my bills, or rent, and not knowing when I will be able to. I need to find a job so in February I can short everything out. I'm not even spending silly. I'm just not making enough. And I need $4000.00 to pay more tuition for my next program in May. This makes me feel awful. I'm sitting here paying what I can and opening bills to see how bad it really is.

But I do feel loved. Tomorrow is my birthday dinner with friends, and were going to go dancing. Then I'm going to the sex show on Saturday afternoon and then doing make-up for a fashion show there on Saturday night.

What else is on my mind? I think I have to learn to be more complimentary and affectionate. I was thinking about talking to FIlmmaker about my superficial concerns (about him and that I even have them) but he had a bad day so I didn't want to add to it. But aside from that, I think I need to tell him how great he is more. And be more tender and warm. It's something I really have to work on I think.

But I am changing and I think that's weighing on me, in good and bad ways. I'm taking hormones for someone. I'm finishing a program at school. I am equipped to become a freelance artist (yay!!). I'm a quarter of a century. I'm definately feeling it all. And tomorrow I'm going to a funeral that I don't want to go to. I didn't like the last one and I don't anticipate liking this one. Funerals are not for me - they are for other people. And I don't feel like I can be sad for myself at this one. I'm not crying for the person who died. I'm crying for me and my dad. But that's selfish. And not wanting to go is selfish. But I don't. I don't have anything good to say or to think. I just feel bad that my Dad was actually good and there for me and he's gone. Part of me is crying for my niece. But more becasue I'm worried that it's just not going to hit her for a long time. Then in three months or three years, she'll want someone who was never there for her, and my mom's not going to give her any of the emotional stuff she needs. She's going to feel lost and broken and like the world has been incredibly unfair to her. But she's 10 and I can't warn her.

Well there are all the tears I haven't been able to get rid of the last few months.

Irrational

1. Please don't comment and give me advice.

2. I feel unloved.

3. I'm having second thoughts about FIlmmaker.

4. I do care how he dresses.

5. I am superficial.

6. He really likes me and I do like him.

7. I'm worried this is my one chance.

8. I might just not be able to do this love/relationship thing.

9. I feel fat.

10. I feel disconnected from my family.

11. I am financially fucked right now and I don't know what to do.

12. I want to cancel my birthday plans.

13. I wanted to be happy today.

14. I know people love me.

15. I feel spoiled and unappreciative.

Crazy

I want filmmaker here. He was here yesterday and I'm seeing him tomorrow morning, but I want him now. I don't feel that I should have to wait but I do and that sucks. I need to get a bigger bed so he can stay here. That requires money. It is also a purchase that will take priority over others I've been thinking of. I'm mad that I felt so sick last night and didn't want to have sex. I want it now.

Thinking

I feel a bit like I've been neglecting this place, but I don't think I have been. Either way, I'm posting now.

I told my mom about Filmmaker today and she asked lots of questions. At the end she asked if I was happy. I said yes without hesitation. That felt good. She brought to my mind some questions I should ask him. I'm happy to just take my time with doing that though. There's no rush.

I am thinking about him a lot today. We talked this morning because the funeral might be when we were planning on going out and I hadn't really told him anything about that. I don't really feel sad for my neices mom (who died). I feel sad for my neice. I feel sad for baldie. I feel sad because it reminds me of losing my own parent. But I also haven't cried yet. I'm expecting it to come but I don't know if it will.

But, Filmmaker. As expected he was great and we'll just see how things go and see each other when it works. He also said he'd make sure he'd be able to come to my Birthday dinner next week, which I have to send out invites for asap. If I was feeling better he'd probably be here tonight but I'm still sick. Plus, I have a single bed. I might need to change that. It's a big deal in several ways though.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to work out some Birth Control. I'm going to get weighed too. I'm going to get back to eating better and doing pilates so I want to know how far I am from where I was a few weeks ago. Actually, a bunch has happened since I was last at my doctor. I have lost weight and I'm off all my medication. Ok, so two things, but two big ones.

I'm hoping the Birth control will have the side effect of painless and short periods, but not result in weight gain and skin issues. Just the good and no bad. I'm also pretty sure that becasue I had my period last week, any birth control I start now won't be good for an entire month. That sucks a lot but if I know it's starting to work and we're using condoms anyways I think I'll feel fine. We'll see.

ok, I must go do my party invites, and then head to bed. I'm hoping sleep and tea will bring forth fewer feelings of sickness in the morning.

Quickly

1. I'm going to a funeral this week. That's going to be hard.

2. I am sick for the first time in over one year.

3. My mom is getting married for the first time ever.

Strangeness all around.

Happy New Year

Last night was great fun. Just Miranda, her man, and Orange until about 1:30 when Filmmaker joined us. Games and food and talking. Very nice. At about 3:30 Orange, Filmmaker and I all cabbed together and I went to Filmmakers.

It's about 12 hours later and I can't even be bothered to count how many orgasms I've had in that time. It's been super awesome. I also decided to claim the boyfriend/girlfriend label. Sex is next. And by sex I mean interourse, which sounds very clinical. My intense fear of pregnancy is the only thing that stopped it from happening already.

So it's been a crazy week since Christmas. Orange says I seem different and I don't feel super good about that. I have tons of stuff to do to be ready for school tomorrow and I really need a shower. I'll next see Filmamker on the weekend which is good. I'm also going to need to plan my birthday in the next few days.