Unloading

Last night I was spoiled by FIlmmaker in the way that I wanted to be spoiled by my mom on Tuesday.

On Tuesday I went over to my mom's for dinner. I was expecting dinner to be made with me in mind but it was steak and spaghetti. First, I don't eat steak. Second, Spaghetti is like my lazy/poor dinner. It wasn't even fancy or homemade sauce or something. I felt like I just happened to be there for a dinner they were in a rush to make. Then I got gifts. I wasn't expecting that because my mom accidentally paid some money on my credit card in November and since my credit card is now maxed from Christmas she said it could be my birthday present. So I was already feeling a bit ripped off (and like a bad person for feeling that way) and then both the gifts are exercise related. I did mention kind of wanting an exercise ball but not as much as other things I asked for for Christmas and I just felt bad that my Brithday present was stuff to make me lose weight. I'm crying now. And there is a book I want that didn't arrive before Christmas that I'm going to get, and my mom did buy me cords last week because I'm broke and needed pants really badly. Then the cake was an ice cream cake and I don't particularly love ice cream cake and then I felt more dismissed, and like an ungreatful brat. I felt like crap.

But last night FIlmmaker came over after he was done work. I asked him to bring me a chocolate bar. He showed up with two kinds of soy ice cream, a chocolate brownie from the restaurant he works at (that he made that morning), fudge sauce, and 3 choclate bars. We talked and watched some tv and then had wonderful sex and slept until morning. I'm getting used to this - the treating and the sex.

And I'm broke. And not just normal broke, but not able to pay my bills, or rent, and not knowing when I will be able to. I need to find a job so in February I can short everything out. I'm not even spending silly. I'm just not making enough. And I need $4000.00 to pay more tuition for my next program in May. This makes me feel awful. I'm sitting here paying what I can and opening bills to see how bad it really is.

But I do feel loved. Tomorrow is my birthday dinner with friends, and were going to go dancing. Then I'm going to the sex show on Saturday afternoon and then doing make-up for a fashion show there on Saturday night.

What else is on my mind? I think I have to learn to be more complimentary and affectionate. I was thinking about talking to FIlmmaker about my superficial concerns (about him and that I even have them) but he had a bad day so I didn't want to add to it. But aside from that, I think I need to tell him how great he is more. And be more tender and warm. It's something I really have to work on I think.

But I am changing and I think that's weighing on me, in good and bad ways. I'm taking hormones for someone. I'm finishing a program at school. I am equipped to become a freelance artist (yay!!). I'm a quarter of a century. I'm definately feeling it all. And tomorrow I'm going to a funeral that I don't want to go to. I didn't like the last one and I don't anticipate liking this one. Funerals are not for me - they are for other people. And I don't feel like I can be sad for myself at this one. I'm not crying for the person who died. I'm crying for me and my dad. But that's selfish. And not wanting to go is selfish. But I don't. I don't have anything good to say or to think. I just feel bad that my Dad was actually good and there for me and he's gone. Part of me is crying for my niece. But more becasue I'm worried that it's just not going to hit her for a long time. Then in three months or three years, she'll want someone who was never there for her, and my mom's not going to give her any of the emotional stuff she needs. She's going to feel lost and broken and like the world has been incredibly unfair to her. But she's 10 and I can't warn her.

Well there are all the tears I haven't been able to get rid of the last few months.