Quick Reflections

Loosely following Midges lead:

1. I think not drinking as often makes me less quickly drunk. Strange but maybe true. Howver, the two I'm with now are trashed and I am compltely sober. I actually drank asignificant amount too. hmmm.

2. I miss a lot of things. I miss people, places, objects, feelings. It's a very hard thing to navigate and get a handle on really.

3. I am in between lives. Like in a place of transition just when I thought I knew exactly where I was going and how it was going to most likely work. Now I am neither here nor there with it all and not feeling I know how to fix that.

4. I can't say at all that this year was bad. I can't say I don't want the next one to be better. I want no deaths, less crying, a relationship and comfort with future, no matter I decide it might look like.

5. I don't feel sad and teary which is really quite amazing and does make me feel good about things.

Nearly Ready

I am on my second glass of wine and grazing over all the food being served here tonight. In about 10 minutes a friend of Lily's is coming over and then at 8:00 we are going to meet a bunch of her other friends and then see where we're going from there. Really I'd be satisfied if the evening ended up here just relaxing.

Yesterday we went to Manchester andenoyed much shopping. We came home very tired and with many new items. I really quite liked the small part of the city we saqw. Then we stayed up until half 2 just all talking in the living room. It was very nice.

I must go now to both eat and drink more and I will check in sometime tomorrow.

Happy new year everyone!

An English List

1. Shopping in Chester today. Bought: 3 knickers (4.00 pounds). 1 black and silver tank top (9.00). 1 bra (12.00). 1 pair of shorts, for inside flat only (2.50).

2. Massive coziness with Lily's family. Lots of kid conversations, dogs, comparing Canada to England, opening presents.

3. I love it here. I feel good and rested. I want everyone to move here.

4. We are going to the pub in just a bit with some of Lily's friends.

5. Tomorrow is Manchester for more shopping. Yay!

Now I know

I was still in bed at noon today despite having tons to do in the way of cleaning and packing and being really hungry. But I was online and IceHockey messages me to ask for some music for his computer at his parents house where he's staying until new years. Here's part of the conversation. (Oh, and the name I was using was myname plus "needs a massage" becasue I really really do.)

IH says: oh wait, got any dan bern tracks to share?
Celia needs a massage says: yup, one sec
Transfer of "08 The Engine Driver.mp3" is complete. (by The Decemberists)
IH says: nobody gave you a massage for christmas?
Celia says: no, everyone just gave me money for england. that's really all I asked for
Celia says: I got a few other things but no massage
Transfer of "10 Estelle.m4a" is complete. (by Dan Bern)
IH says: i gave my gf a salon massage
IH says: she didn't look too impressed by the gift certificate though... hope she enjoys it
Celia says: she totally should
Celia says: do you want one last dan bern track?

We talked more after and before that but it appears it's not only his job that's been taking up his time. Oh well. Another one bits the dust. I shouldn't be surprised really.

I must go clean and pack. The house is kind of messay and in 24 hours I will be somewhere in the Vancouver airport going through customs.

Christmas

1. To readers: I have drank a whole bottle of wine to myself tonight. I feel like I need to cry but it is a deep reaction to something I am scared of and something I need someone to hold me through. I just don't know who or when.

2. to IceHockey: I love that you texted me even though I was away to apologizae again that you didn't come to the party and that it is just hard to find time becasue of work now. I am going to find a good but cheap show to invite you to that is sson after I get back but after my birthday. Midge says if I invite you to a show that you would consider it a date so that is my plan. I hope it works out.

3. to me: Don't cry. I know you're sad and lonely and you just want to weep for days but soon you are going to England where you will feel so ay home and have lots of money to spend.

4. to CRB: I am so sorry I upset you last week and I honestly feel really bad. I wanted you to come her to night and share my bed in a loving but platonic way. However, I know I'll only feel that way until I see you and that all the "what if's" have faded away from my pictures of you. But I do want nothing but the best for you and I hope we can be proper friends. I am so sorry and I should have said that earlier. The invite I extended for tomorrow was comepltely honest and should have been done last week.

5. To the first boy who touched my breasts: It was fun to see you tonight. You are cuter than I remember you but way too normal for me. The suburbs can be such a downfall.

6. To C: Your new short hair looks super hot but I'm kind of glad you didn't see me when I was in the store yesterday.

7. to Midge: It was so so so good to see you and cuddle in bed. If you're basking in sex right now I am so retarded jealous.

8. to England: I miss you but you are only 3 days away.

Last Sleep!

Well Midge arrives tomorrow. I have some crafting to take care of before she arrives but that shouldn't be difficult. Our plan consists of cuddling, manicures, food, Chatton's party and likely more cuddling. Oh so exciting. I can fill her in on all the boys (4) I'm not having fabulous sex-filled relationships with - mind you only two of them are of interest in those terms.

Today I got a lot done in the morning and then spent the evening shopping with Miranda. We spent a lot of time in Chapters (found boy number 4 there), ate sushi and shopped for her boy (who I really like). It was super good and it made me feel good.

As suggested by all three of the professionals I have talked to this week (doctor, councellor, and group therapy facilitator) I am letting some people know about my worries of Christmas, trying to think in advance what my triggers for sadness might be, what memories might be called up, what traditions need to be rethought. Plus thinking about how I'll be able to try to do to get through them. They have also all forbade me from not leaving the house once a day, encouraged me to talk to my friends as my friends will want to make me feel better, and to line up things to do when I get back to my trip to avoid a major slump.

Sorry, that was a nutty paragraph. On Christmas eve, which I really want to dress up for even though I won't, my step-sister is cutting my hair which is exciting. It really needs a major trim in the front. My hair is very long and red and healthy otherwise though. I don't think it's be this long and stayed this healthy and managable in years. It makes me happy. I'm not sure when Midge is leaving on Christmas eve but the only reason all the step-sibings are coming so early is to watch a football game on the big TV. Midge and I can drink wine and play crib or something. I'm so glad tomorrow is tomorrow.

Floating

I am feeling slightly more calmed despite having an awful morning and feeling like a complete failure and just barely holding back tears as I walked around UBC. My funding is all screwed and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm worried returning from England will be really hard as I habe nothing here to look forward to.

I'm going to UBC councelling tomorrow and then group on Wednesday. My doctor has also decided to increase the does of my anti-depressant a little bit to see if that helps with the major dips in sadness. They just don't want me to be so hard on myself for what's going on and to remember this is a hard time of year and nothing I'm dealing with is easy.

Three more days until Midge arrives and the real Christmas craziness begins. I have a few more tiny gift to buy and make and just a few more than that to wrap still. I'm doing really good on that front. I also talked to Lily today and that picked me up and re-energized me about that.

I want the next 3 days to go super quickly.

I feel...

Lonely. Lost. Confused. Pointless. Mislead. Disappointed. Unfulfilled. Alone. Irrational. Selfish. Stuck. Blind. Damaged. Hidden. Scared. Disconnected. Hopeless. Desparate. Isolated. Unwanted. Useless. Distant. Broken. Drained. Fragile. Unstable.

My heart is not in a happy place and I don't know what is what right now. I could feel the same in the morning or I could feel completely different. And I know I have people but I just feel like such a downer. I mean it's fucking Christmas, I go to England in 8 days, I have no obligations in terms of work or school, but I feel like this. Plus they all have loves and jobs and all that stuff which gives one a life and I just feel like I'm unreasonably complaining.

And maybe it does go back a bit to one boy not coming to my party and another not answering my text but it's more than that. It's not wanting that to matter and it's knowing that it doesn't to anyone else. That it hasn't to anybody in forever. A year ago it was the only thing in my world not working wonderfully but it's just become this small part of this giant overwhelming pile of things. I just don't know what's happened.

Maybe it was better when I wasn't talking to CRB. Then I could think "if I had his number we could talk and he would make me feel loved". But now that I have his number and know he won't make me feel that way, I feel like there's nothing. I can't even hope for someone to want to come to my rescue. I just sit here alone deciding whether I should ride the tears out or take a sedative so I can fall asleep.

ok, I sobbed a bit and a few things came to me. I need to get back to councelling. I'm glad I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I don't want CRB to be the person I associate feeling loved with. I am so scared of guys/relationships and feeling unwanted. I have no idea how I'm going to cope as this week progresses. Or next week for that matter. I wish I knew the key to feeling normal again. I wish it was as simple as quitting school or buying a new camera. I have no idea where to turn for help or support in times like these. I really need to sleep now and hope to keep the vivid and slightly traumatic dreams away.

A Quick List

1. Party last night went super well. Lot's of fun and the perfect amount of champagne for me. I'm happy.

2. IceHockey didn't end up coming. We talked on the phone and he suggested he might have an evening or two free this coming week but I'm not sure if we'll see each other. I mentioned that I was going away but would be doing a birthday thing upon my return and he would be kept informed. Who knows if this will go anywhere.

3. I feel bad for how I phrased something last time I talked to CRB (to actually cancel lunch with him and Red). I texted him this morning to see if he has plans tomorrow but no response yet. We'll see. He's juggling three other girls right now who he's sleeping with so I'm surprised he has any time for me at all between them, being stoned, and going to work.

4. I only have one more Christmas gift to buy and a few to finish making. Most of them are wrapped too. I feel in good shape about it and I am looking forward to the weekend.

5. Tonight I feel a bit low in general. Something feels over but I'm not sure what exactly. I just want to sit and craft and zone out. This week isn't busy at all save for tomorrow and a few practical things I must do at UBC. I also want to get some school work done before I go on my trip too.

Today

Done
1. 5 dozen Sugar Cookies baked
2. 12 Mince Pies
3. Laundry Started
4. Sorted cocktail accessories

To Do
1. Ice sugar cookies
2. 2 dozen more mince pies
3. Finish laundry
4. Reclean kitchen
5. Fresh linens in bathroom


I feel busy but good. I also have to eat and tomorrow is going to be even crazier. More intense and weird dreams. My obsession with animals is spreading into that world. scorpions, rats, hamsters, monkey, dinosaurs - They're all involved. I'm feeling a little crazy as usual but my mood is mostly up. I'd liek to have everything done by about 6 so I can just sit and watch films and eat dinner. I should have some food at some point before then though.