betrayal

I wrote on paper yesterday. I end up crying more that way. I just can't quite write down here what I need to be writing down. I'm remebering too many of my dreams and I'm a definate down swing mood wise today. My makeup looks awesome though. I guess this means I'm taking a break from here and making a paper journal. I also wish I'd stop having dreams.

Abbreviated

1. I was going to go into work today but after a night of stressful dreams it's not happening. I have a little bit of work I can do from home though and I'll be going in tomorrow for sure.

2. I got a new tattoo on Tuesday and it's awesome.

3. I'm doing fine and just not feeling like posting. Things are going well though.

4. I'm very excited about school.

5. We're having our housewarming this weekend.

6. I have crafts to work on today.

7. Our last bit of unpacking was done yesterday.

8. The Knitter is a weekly presence in my life now.

Tears

I'm stressed and upset. I want to bury myself in fiction and run away from everything. I want to write long soul-bearing letters to strangers. I don't feel in control of things and it's that whole two steps back shit again.

Sleep

I'm stressed about going to councelling with my mom on Friday. It's going to be emotional and tiring.

I'm supposed to go to work today but I have a zit and it makes me not want to leave the house. I never used to be that kind of girl. It's still early though and I could go later.

I just don't feel that good today I guess and I want to stay sleeping but I won't. I've already showered and will at least sit in the yard for a while. I need a new book. I am back to reaqding and I like it.

Fucked up

Today I was doing Titanias make-up before she went to school and she mentioned that she went to the library with the Knitter today. I immediately felt jealous and just as quickly felt bad and then realized I'm being silly and insecure. I don't know what's wrong with me but it makes me feel bad.

I feel like my connections to people are somehow less then those other people make. Like I'm not as capable to make a really deep bond. And that makes me want to cry becasue these days it's that intimacy that's all I want. Why do I feel this why? Why do I feel apart? What am I doing to keep myself distanced?

Times like this I wish I was still in therapy. I feel kind of alone and empty even though I'm not. I have a need that's not being met but I don't know how to get it met.

I've obviously connected to both Starting Over and Dr. Phil a little too much today.

Otherwise the weather is out, I got lots done today and I felt great.

Normalcy

Titania and I are going to go for coffee for a little while this morning. I haven't decided if I'm going to read a book The Knitter gave me or if I'm going to do work for HK Inc. Money has gotten mostly sorted out so that's good. I'll be broke by the end of the month but it's alright.

Last night the knitter came over and had dinner and played crib with Chatton and I. Tons of sexual energy and more getting to know each other talk. He told us his coming out story and I shared a story I've never told anyone before about my first experience with explicit sexuality. It's been awsome overall. We're all kind of shocked at how quickly we've become so close but it's been so fun.

This week has gone by really slowly but has been good. Ringlettes being back is good even though she's been really sick. She's left now and starting to move into the place where she'll be staying for the summer.

Last night we were sitting on Chattons bed and I said I wanted a boyfriend. Like really and truly. Chatton said she didn't and the Knitter said he needs some time alone. It was weird to not be the one wanting to be alone. Moreover I'm not sure how to go about finding a boyfriend. I know it's all about just meeting new people but it feels much more complicated than that.

Titania is ready to go now so my last thing will be that my ability to have a really good orgasm has reappeared and it makes me happy. 6 times yesterday in two sessions. One insecurity about being in a relationship is fading. hmm. not sure if I'm happy about that or nervous.

same old

1. I feel like I'm neglecting the blog.

2. I'm on bad terms with my mom and it's very stressful.

3. I'm having severe money issues.

4. I start school on May 28th now.

5. Ringlettes is home and it's good.

6. New friend (lil boat) gets along with existing friends.

7. We love the Knitter.

8. I might have to put my tattoo on hold.

9. I can't articulate much more than that.

Saturday

My make-up from last night is still on. Mostly it's just the nutty amount of black liner I used. It's very nice out today though bright, sunny, and possibly even quite warm. I have very little in way of plans for today. Some stuff for work, some crafty things. Nothing major.

Chatton is sick and got sent home frmom work this morning. Titani is stressed and upset but in no modd to talk about it, which would probably help her feel better. I am doing well. I don't have too much to say these days but I guess that's been kind of obvious. I just want ot get back on my feet financially, which will happen in the next few weeks. I've been thinking about dating and relationships. Nothing too specific and not about a specific person. I don't really know but it's been on my mind. I'm very excited about school. oh, and I have another really good wank session last night. Makes me happy and feeling kind of normal.

Obsession

1. orgasm came very fast and was good. yay!

2. I've been jealous lately. I know this means I'm being insecure. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

3. I created an online personals account. I'm expecting nothing.

4. I wish I looked better in pictures.

5. I have a tattoo appointment for next month.

6. I'm excited to have my finances back in shape next month.

positive changes

Usually my sex drive is non exsistant right after my period but this does not seem to be the case this month. It's in the middle of the evening but I am taking a wanking break before going back to doing work. If I can have an orgasm I will be a happy girl.

Nothing else really. I guess I'm just excited by my interest in sex as it's been quite low lately.