Irrational

1. Please don't comment and give me advice.

2. I feel unloved.

3. I'm having second thoughts about FIlmmaker.

4. I do care how he dresses.

5. I am superficial.

6. He really likes me and I do like him.

7. I'm worried this is my one chance.

8. I might just not be able to do this love/relationship thing.

9. I feel fat.

10. I feel disconnected from my family.

11. I am financially fucked right now and I don't know what to do.

12. I want to cancel my birthday plans.

13. I wanted to be happy today.

14. I know people love me.

15. I feel spoiled and unappreciative.

Crazy

I want filmmaker here. He was here yesterday and I'm seeing him tomorrow morning, but I want him now. I don't feel that I should have to wait but I do and that sucks. I need to get a bigger bed so he can stay here. That requires money. It is also a purchase that will take priority over others I've been thinking of. I'm mad that I felt so sick last night and didn't want to have sex. I want it now.

Thinking

I feel a bit like I've been neglecting this place, but I don't think I have been. Either way, I'm posting now.

I told my mom about Filmmaker today and she asked lots of questions. At the end she asked if I was happy. I said yes without hesitation. That felt good. She brought to my mind some questions I should ask him. I'm happy to just take my time with doing that though. There's no rush.

I am thinking about him a lot today. We talked this morning because the funeral might be when we were planning on going out and I hadn't really told him anything about that. I don't really feel sad for my neices mom (who died). I feel sad for my neice. I feel sad for baldie. I feel sad because it reminds me of losing my own parent. But I also haven't cried yet. I'm expecting it to come but I don't know if it will.

But, Filmmaker. As expected he was great and we'll just see how things go and see each other when it works. He also said he'd make sure he'd be able to come to my Birthday dinner next week, which I have to send out invites for asap. If I was feeling better he'd probably be here tonight but I'm still sick. Plus, I have a single bed. I might need to change that. It's a big deal in several ways though.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doctor to work out some Birth Control. I'm going to get weighed too. I'm going to get back to eating better and doing pilates so I want to know how far I am from where I was a few weeks ago. Actually, a bunch has happened since I was last at my doctor. I have lost weight and I'm off all my medication. Ok, so two things, but two big ones.

I'm hoping the Birth control will have the side effect of painless and short periods, but not result in weight gain and skin issues. Just the good and no bad. I'm also pretty sure that becasue I had my period last week, any birth control I start now won't be good for an entire month. That sucks a lot but if I know it's starting to work and we're using condoms anyways I think I'll feel fine. We'll see.

ok, I must go do my party invites, and then head to bed. I'm hoping sleep and tea will bring forth fewer feelings of sickness in the morning.

Quickly

1. I'm going to a funeral this week. That's going to be hard.

2. I am sick for the first time in over one year.

3. My mom is getting married for the first time ever.

Strangeness all around.

Happy New Year

Last night was great fun. Just Miranda, her man, and Orange until about 1:30 when Filmmaker joined us. Games and food and talking. Very nice. At about 3:30 Orange, Filmmaker and I all cabbed together and I went to Filmmakers.

It's about 12 hours later and I can't even be bothered to count how many orgasms I've had in that time. It's been super awesome. I also decided to claim the boyfriend/girlfriend label. Sex is next. And by sex I mean interourse, which sounds very clinical. My intense fear of pregnancy is the only thing that stopped it from happening already.

So it's been a crazy week since Christmas. Orange says I seem different and I don't feel super good about that. I have tons of stuff to do to be ready for school tomorrow and I really need a shower. I'll next see Filmamker on the weekend which is good. I'm also going to need to plan my birthday in the next few days.

Confusion

1. I called him my boyfriend today, but it was to a stranger. I wasn't willing to call him that when talking to my sister.

2. Miranda and her man are hosting a few people at her house tomorrow night. Orange is invited but so is the Filmmaker. I haven't told filmmaker he's invited and Orange isn't sure if he wants to come.

3. I want to play scattergories.

4. My foot is asleep.

5. Tonight, I got the dinner I've been craving for nearly two weeks. My actual appetite is lacking though.

6. My cat is upset about something.

7. My nieces mom died. She's not my sister and she's not been around for years. My mom and baldie (my step dad) have custody of my niece. It's more of a loss of hope than a loss of a person right now. It's strange.

8. Something feels not right this evening. I'm not sure what though.

9. There's things I'm wanting to tell someone about filmmaker but that wouldn't be nice at all. They aren't bad things, bjust his personal things.

10. I really want some coke zero.

Speeding

I just kind of realized last night that in a about a week I've gone from questioning this relationship and it's potential to standing right in the middle of it. Some fear has crept back in I think.

While at Mirandas I texted him to see if he wanted to get together later in the evening. He ended up coming to pick me up and spent some time there meeting them. We then did a video store run and went back to his place. It was nearly midnight by this time. We watched the movie we rented the whole way through with no distractions.

The next few hours was basically see how close we could come to having sex, without actually having it and talking a lot about sex to keep ourselves aware of the fact that we weren't actually going to be having it. It was a bit frustrating but in the end we seem to be quite sexually compatible. We both fell alseep having had more than one orgasm and discovered many similar preferences.

A few things of note:
1.He is ok with me not using the boyfriend/girlfriend label, but for him, having sex pretty much means I have to. I think I'm ok with that and I have some time before it happens.
2.He snores, loudly. Loudly enough that I have problems sleeping through it. This is not something I've ever had to even consider before and I don't really know what if anything I should do.
3. Any reservations I thought I may have had about my body are completely non existant. It's a strange thing.
4. I have nearly nothing to compare it to but I have zero complaints about the size of his cock. Only excitement.
5. My head wants to spend tonight alone, but my body does not.

Rolling Over

I'm going over to Mirandas in just a little while to talk and watch movies. I feel energized and excited. There's still a few things about him I'm not thrilled by but no one's perfect and they're all pretty silly things.

I love Snow Partols "Eyes Open" album so much right now.

Continuing, it makes me want to buy more cute matching underware sets and I made an appointment with my doctor about birth control (the side benefit here is that it might help with the cramps). Pregnancy concerns me and it's pretty much the only way I'll have sex.

My cat is eating her favorite kind of scone (blueberry). She's odd.

We were talking about friendships at one point because I always mention mine but he never mentions his (that concerns me). I mentioned Orange being my gay boyfriend. He said now I have a gay one and a straight one. My immediate response was "I do?" He said that if I wanted to I did. I said I wasn't ready for that leap yet. It's a big change in mentallity for me and I'm just not there yet. He was totally fine with it. He was pretty much totally fine with everything. And once I was there and we discussed my staying over I pretty much said whatever I wanted. Sometimes ittook me a while to get the actal words out but I did.

I actually want to gush. This is good and I am smiley. Must go get dressed and head to Mirandas. I have a comic to read on the bus. me. comics. penis touching. it's all a little strange.

I figured I'd post early. I'm already at work because someone has the day off and I get to cover their shift. A full 8 hours.

But what about last night you ask? We'll I haven't been hom since he picked me up last night. Half of me wants to spill everything and half of me wants to keep it all to myself. I should probably do something in between those two. First, we didn't have sex. Second, I do know a lot more about him now.

ah, my boss is here. more later.

New thought

I don't trsut things that the filmmaker says sometimes. They are very specific things though. Like when he remarks on something we have in common I feel like it's not sincere or that he's exaggerating to make me like him. He's given me nothing to think that. It's completely in my head. Even more, I feel like having certain things in common with other people (ie. The Filmmaker), makes me less unique. less special. yuck. Shouldn't I feel like I've found something great in someone else?

Yet another thing to work on. This is certainly a huge learning process.

Ok, I'm going to go watch the end of Tyra and have a snack. then I must start to get ready.

Edited to add at 17:35: How can I have over 20 purses and not have a small black one?