short list

1. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. I still have four theory tests to write, but I can do those on my own time. I feel mostly prepared. Slow, but technically good.

2. I think I am taking out my need for sex on my hair. It constantly needs to be changed. Zebra says this is ok as long as I don't shave it all of. Which I won't.

3. I'm not sure if I have money to pay my rent because my work schedule has been wierd and pay day is almost a week after the 1st. This doesn't seem to affect my spending habits though.

4. I need to shop for a wedding outfit, but I have no time and it's getting close. I also need to return those shoes (which will be too small for Midge).

5. I am exhausted but somehow alert. That said, I've been a little klutzy and teary so that signals an impending breakdown. I've decided my day off will be Tuesday.

Monday Morning

I think I've re-developed the healthy habit of getting up in the morning with enough time to eat, relax and get ready without any rushing or being late for things. I mean I have an hour before I need to leave the house and I've made breakfast, showered, talked to my roommate, played online. I still have to do my hair and make-up, pack my bag, do dishes and make lunch. But all in a totally manageable time frame.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I had all sorts of things I wanted to say but this morning none of them are still in my head. hmm. I went and spent a lot of money on Saturday because I was bored, lonely, and kind of depressed. Most of it was clothes, which I do need, but I'm taking back on of the pairs of shoes. They are cute, but not really work appropriate, and I need comfy black shoes for work.

I talked to my boss yesterday at work and she is happy to teach me to do eyelash extensions (yay!) and airbrush tanning if I want to learn.

That's really it I guess. I'm lonely and want to date , but I feel too busy to really make time for other people, especially ones I don't know, and I don't know how to meet people. It's a complicated problem. Plus I'm pretty sure it'll speed into a relationship and then I'll freak out and end it. ugh.

Hair

My hair got coloured last night and looks really nice. Just a little bit darker and a little bit more violet than before. And a perfect mix of what I wanted and what is appropriate.

I'm thinking of doing something completely different with my make-up today for school, but with the new hair I'm not sure if it'll be overkill. I had a dream last night where someone called my hair immature for being such an unnatural colour.

Otherwise things are ok. I got some serious positive feedback from my teacher yesterday so I'm feeling good about that. I must go finish getting ready for school though. Whether it's different or not my hair and make-up still have to be done. And I'm hungry for breakfast.

rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.

Four days

I've been thinking of posting most of this weekend but haven't. clearly. Until now that is. I'm still not too sure that I can now. I don't really know where I am right now.

The quick version of thoughts I can't feel I can articulate.
1. my dad, his birthday
2. love/lack
3. future
4. taking things personally
5. being someone else's priority
6. loneliness
7. indulgence
8. constantly searching
9. constantly missing "something"
10. touch
11. confusion
12. displacement
13. laziness
14. distraction
15. selfishness
16. self pity
17. self care

It's been overwhelming. I don't know how rested I feel at all. Luckily it's a short week.

A few things

I'm still not in a very good state of mind. I mean I'm still doing everything happily and hopefully, but it's pretty surfacey.

I saw the artist last night. Same as always. nothing really to report.

My birth control got all screwed up this month so my period is all weird and happening when it's not supposed to and I'm sure that's contributing to my mood.

I was very tired at work today and not feeling very well either. I came home and slept for three hours. Then I got up, made dinner and watched "The Devil Wears Prada", which I mostly liked.

I still like my new hair cut. I wish I made more time to flat iron it more because it looks really cute that way.

I think I could be having some minor symptoms of PTSD. This summer's been pretty hard. Really since the bugs and breaking up with Filmmaker, so a bit longer than the summer. But it all goes back to this one day of losing so much all at once without any way to say goodbye.

I don't feel like I should be this sad and emotional. I don't feel like it's justified by the actual state of my life. I feel perpetually heart-broken.

Part 2

So much the same as lat night really. I'm feeling slow and melty. I'm picturing things from "the Phantom Tollbooth" in the doldrums. I haven't seen the movie in so long though that I could be completely off in terms of appropriate imagery.

I feel like going on a date. To a movie and for floats and french fries. But just as much, I feel like buying tons of product even though I don't really need anything.

I fear I may be getting too old for this type of angst. Everyone is growing up but I'm still in the same place in lots of ways. Well not in the same place, but on the same level maybe. Or maybe it's a lack of being anywhere in a complete way that's the problem. And I fear that even finishing school and settling into the new job still won't bring any of it.


(and every bit of love I will ever receive will fall short of what I, in my heart, actually need. I am weighed down tremendously by this.)

question marks

So I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like the night didn't go fast enough. I did some stuff for school, but haven't been doing my best work today, which is frustrating in general. I'm hungry, but not enough to actually eat something, and I am thirsty but not for the three things currently available to me. Four if you count the vodka in the freezer actually.

I'm tired but not ready for sleep. I've got lots to do but don't want any of it. I'm not in a bad mood, but couldn't see myself being very good company. It's all quite confusing.

Everything I want to eat, drink, and occupy myself with is not here. or something like that. I feel something that I can't put my finger on. maybe a lack of short term direction? I mean I think that would be nearly impossible given the current state of things in my life. Maybe this is something like ambivalence. It's kind of all nonsense I think.

blankets

I want to have sex. with someone who will fall asleep next to me. with some who, in the morning, will either convince me to stay in bed long (to have more sex) or will get up early with me (to have breakfast on the porch).

And unfortunately masturbating is less appealing than sleeping alone. I'm frustrated.

thoughts

ok, so I'm drunk again. apparentley I've gone back to drinking.

And I felt good. I had on a cool new shirt, awesome make-up, and I just felt like myself. like dancing and flirting and just relaxing and enjoying myself. but then it slides away. when I realize I'm not the prettiest, or the thinnest, or the funnest. And I'm alone. And I told someone who wanted me to go away. And I know it wasn't a mistake in the grand scheme of things, but I feel alone now. And I don't want to feel alone.

I don't want to be reminded that "my britain" is gone. That I live in a world right now that does not seem to want me as I want to be. hm. it's hard. And I'm trying most days, but it's hard.