self-destruction?

I texted CRB today. After thinking about him all last night. And seeing if he was on facebook. I know that the only reason I did this is because I am lonely. And totally wanting to have sex. That said, I know I will not get sex or any sort of companionship from him. Nor do I want it. well that much.

And I want to go to the gym and I'm getting sick.

In this totally slefish way I want him to want me but me not want him, just be getting what I need. But it's this version of him that I have in my head that I know isn't accurate.

I just need some validation and intimacy from someone who isn't a friend, and isn't a crazy ex. And I think I just might have set myself up to be totally wrecked again, but I totally loved him saying he was very happy I contacted him. And I was happy. Similing, waiting for the responses.

fuck.

notes

I just added a bunch of songs and episodes of This American Life to my ipod.

I'm not wanting Christmas eve tomorrow. I just want my life to keep going as normal even though I'm feeling pretty neutral about my job. I think I'm a better receptionist than anything else. I'm just going to get two days off that don't really feel like days off.

I feel like parts of my life are secret. Worries about work, my nintendo, my hamster. I'm keeping these from my family because somehow I feel they reveal that I am still totally out of my mind. And I'll just get criticized rather than understood or helped.

My receipts for the year are a giant fucking disaster and I have to make sense of them before February so that my taxes are relatively simple to do. Which they won't ever be though because I have no idea how to do them myself now that I'm self-employed.

If anyone has Vancouver based recommendations for massage therapists, tax advisors, or single interesting men, pass them along to me.

Tiny List

1. Today I bought this bag in pink for my gym stuff. Not a purse, but not ugly.

2. I go to the gym every second day now. I've only been doing it for two weeks but I'm super committed.

3. After the last post about filmmaker he contacted me online like 15 more times in 5 days and basically got me totally freaked out. Not fun in the least.

4. I got a full bikini wax today. Everything. One of the estheticians and I stayed late and did it. It is good, but I think I'll leave a little bit behind next time.

5. I was thinking of putting this whole blog into book form just for me to have a record of it and then deleting it, but I may actually start posting again instead.

I'm still alive

but I am so sexually frustrated it's almost making me angry. And despite my best efforts I can't even give myself one simple fucking orgasm.

Way too long

I'm not going to update that last month really. Just that I've been working a lot and the wedding (plus vintage dress) was awesome. I really only need to come here (even though I'm the only one really) to work things out for myself. When I'm done I'm going to watch "Notting Hill", feel bad about being alone, and then go to bed. Well hopefully I'm just kidding about the second one. I might actually change the movie choice for that reason.

2 weeks ago:

Filmmaker contacted me on Facebook. I ignored. Just like I did about 2 months ago when he did the same.

On Friday:

After work I met Orange and we hung out for a few hours, just talking. Had dinner, wandered around. Looked at shoes. But two things happened, and later I felt sad about them. First, he was quizzing me about various things about my/womens sexual likes. I wouldn't tell him a thing. Partly because we were in public. I wish I could say that the other part was feeling like it was something private, or even being too shy, but that wasn't it at all.

It's that I am feeling more nonsexual these days than I have in a very, very long while. I've wanked maybe 4 times since I moved in the spring. That's not at all an exaggeration (underexageration?). And I will admit that Filmmaker, as my most recent partner) will come to mind sometimes in a sexual way and I just feel uncomfortable with the whole thing and totally put off. He wasn't bad in bed. That's not it. It's something else I haven't figured out. Well maybe I could try to articulate it a bit more but I'm not ready to do that yet. I don't see what positive result can come from it.

But the feeling in general makes me sad. It makes me feel incomplete, and like there's no point in getting involved with anyone (well it fits into the huge basket of things that make me not want to do this).

And then later Orange was trying to get me to do a rap move thing with my arms and I wouldn't. I felt stupid and it was totally out of my comfort zone. And there was music in the skytrain when he walked me there and he wanted me to dance and I totally refused. He told me I had a shell around me and I had to let it go.

And then I felt sad about it. That I'll only dance when I'm by myself, drunk or out of town. But it's not just dancing. Sometimes it's just laughing. Or talking to someone I don't know. And since I don't drink much anymore, and I don't really go "out of town" all this stuff is rare.

But I thought I was doing ok and things were good and moving forward and hopeful. So I feel bad that maybe I've been fooling myself. Then as I've mentioned before, maybe so long ago that it really shouldn't be an issue at all these days, I get sad about one thing, and 30 seconds later I'm sad about my dad. Sometimes I end up so sad it just hurts and I feel totally discouraged. And then I want to get on a plane and magically be able to enjoy my life again without any of this. (Which I completely understand will not happen. I also realize my year in Britain was not without it's tears and loneliness anyways.)

2. Last Nights dream x2

I have been watching a lot of "The Unit" on tv these days so that influenced the scene a lot.

I was in this big crowded building and there were lots of people any everyone was scared and running everywhere trying to escape. There were a lot of "bad guys" running around shooting people. There was also a team of specialist "good guys" ordering people to do things to escape or help. They told me that I had to keep my face hidden from the "bad guys" or I would get shot. I distinctly remember having a white towel that I kept covering my face with while a guy was watching me with a gun. Every once in a while I would peek out but he would be there and I would quickly cover my face back up. Later a woman handed me this thing that looked like a oversize remote control with lots of buttons and told me I had to get it to the "good guys" because they would know how to use it.

(How this can translate into real life: I feel that if I show anyone my true self, I will be hurt in a way I may not recover from.)

Later on everything was different. I was in my old apartment and Filmmaker was there. We seem to have just spend the night together. It was the morning though and I realized that this was a huge mistake. Everything he did or said was irritating, and all I wanted him to do was get out and never talk to me ever again. I was trying to figure out how I thought getting back together might ever be a good idea.

I didn't say anything though. I just curled up in my bed with my head under the covers willing him to leave soon.

(no profound real-life translation here.)

3. 10 am this morning. and later.

I receive an email notifying me that Filmmaker has sent me a facebook message. I feel sick. I call Midge and ask her to read it for me once she gets to work. I text Zebra the following two messages when she askes me "what does he want?"

"Probably to tell me I'm a bitch. And that I never really cared for him, and will never be able to care for anyone more than myself. And that I'm cold" (He said this all to me in the course of over break-up)
"It's no wonder I'm not wanting to be dating these days"

Midge gets back to me. He just wants to talk - nothing mean. He still thinks about me and needs some things resolved. He hopes I'll call him. Midge also says his "status" includes the words "sad" and "heartbroken".

I end up feeling more sick. I'm also working from home, canceling all the weeks spa/salon appointments because it's not ready to open on time. I don't like feeling sick and confused while doing this, but eventually it ends up being the perfect distraction.

4. Now

I don't know if I'm going to call him. I'm worried he's looking to me for answers I can't provide, but he thinks I can. That he'll want more about "why" I ended things, when there isn't more than I already said, no matter how vague it may have seemed to him. On the one hand I feel like he deserves to have the opportunity to talk to me. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have any obligation to him. I explained a lot of things to him back in May and was never dishonest.

I just don't see what talking will accomplish. I personally, have no need to talk to him. I would be doing something I don't want to do because he asked me to and thinks he needs it. And then what if it doesn't settle his thoughts? And in his message he said that he hopes I "can" call him. I can call him, but I don't know if I'm willing to. Completely different things, and he's totally assuming things I might be feeling, which is totally inappropriate.

This didn't help anything. I am now cold and restless.

short list

1. Tomorrow is my last official day of school. I still have four theory tests to write, but I can do those on my own time. I feel mostly prepared. Slow, but technically good.

2. I think I am taking out my need for sex on my hair. It constantly needs to be changed. Zebra says this is ok as long as I don't shave it all of. Which I won't.

3. I'm not sure if I have money to pay my rent because my work schedule has been wierd and pay day is almost a week after the 1st. This doesn't seem to affect my spending habits though.

4. I need to shop for a wedding outfit, but I have no time and it's getting close. I also need to return those shoes (which will be too small for Midge).

5. I am exhausted but somehow alert. That said, I've been a little klutzy and teary so that signals an impending breakdown. I've decided my day off will be Tuesday.

Monday Morning

I think I've re-developed the healthy habit of getting up in the morning with enough time to eat, relax and get ready without any rushing or being late for things. I mean I have an hour before I need to leave the house and I've made breakfast, showered, talked to my roommate, played online. I still have to do my hair and make-up, pack my bag, do dishes and make lunch. But all in a totally manageable time frame.

Last night while I was trying to fall asleep, I had all sorts of things I wanted to say but this morning none of them are still in my head. hmm. I went and spent a lot of money on Saturday because I was bored, lonely, and kind of depressed. Most of it was clothes, which I do need, but I'm taking back on of the pairs of shoes. They are cute, but not really work appropriate, and I need comfy black shoes for work.

I talked to my boss yesterday at work and she is happy to teach me to do eyelash extensions (yay!) and airbrush tanning if I want to learn.

That's really it I guess. I'm lonely and want to date , but I feel too busy to really make time for other people, especially ones I don't know, and I don't know how to meet people. It's a complicated problem. Plus I'm pretty sure it'll speed into a relationship and then I'll freak out and end it. ugh.

Hair

My hair got coloured last night and looks really nice. Just a little bit darker and a little bit more violet than before. And a perfect mix of what I wanted and what is appropriate.

I'm thinking of doing something completely different with my make-up today for school, but with the new hair I'm not sure if it'll be overkill. I had a dream last night where someone called my hair immature for being such an unnatural colour.

Otherwise things are ok. I got some serious positive feedback from my teacher yesterday so I'm feeling good about that. I must go finish getting ready for school though. Whether it's different or not my hair and make-up still have to be done. And I'm hungry for breakfast.

rant

Ok, so there's seriously nothing like facebook to make one feel like a failure. People I graduated with are married, having kids, buying houses, all that adult shit. And I seriously don't think I have a single friend who is admittedly single, and also not completely depressed about it. It makes me want to scream a bit. Or shake my head in shame/frustration/regret.

I have to spread the rest of my dads ashes this next weekend and I don't want to. Is it possible that it's actually taken this long for me to get angry about it? But my sister needs to do it because she feels bad for leaving it this long. I want to ask her if she feels like his death was completely unfair. And I don't mean unfair to him. I mean unfair to her and her son and to me.

And I want to ask Miranda something that I'm not sure she can handle. Her Dad died when we were 16, now she's getting married next summer. I want to ask her if it's hard to get married without her dad here and knowing. I have this sense that every step forward I have will be darkened by me wishing my dad was there.

I'm thinking faster than I can type.

I've been watching "Six Feet Under" and they always imagine their dad/husband and have conversations and stuff. I don't have anything like that. I never get a sense that he's "with me" or whatever. My mom says she has conversations with him. I don't have that. There's not this spiritual presence. There's nothing.

And I know my mom loves me unconditionally and all that stuff, but it's different. ( I don't want to expand on this now or I will dream about her not being nice to me and I will feel like shit in the morning)

I'm worried we're going to do all this ashes thing and I'm going to get totally panicked and loopy and it's going to be all about me. When it's really all for them to feel closure. And I get and respect that but it's not going to do anything for me. I feel like I've done this ashes thing already (my sister and I did a small amount of them about 6 weeks after the funeral so technically I have) and it didn't do much. It was funny and ridiculous, but nothing helpful or anything. You'd think spreading ashes would be this real and tangible ritual but it's entirely surreal and abstract.

And I will never be able to go to another funeral it feels like. I've already missed two important ones. I am scarred by the experience of this one. I'm sure it wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it but I can't think of a single good thing about it. Except maybe having one of my friends be the first person to ask me how my year away was. And maybe dancing with my nephew when we were picking the songs to be played.

I think my dad and I were always slightly separate from everyone else. We bought the weird arty gifts. We couldn't just make a simple green salad or cheese plate. Everything had to be eclectic and unusual.

I think it was Christmas where all of this stuff came back. I was so fucked up on Christmas the year before (the first christmas after his death) because of medication and quitting school and stuff, that I don't really remember anything. And this last Christmas I remember feeling lonely. And that's a shitty thing to feel at Christmas when you actually have a lot of people around.

How did this all start with fucking facebook? I'm going to go do a crossword and then sleep. This sucks.

Added at 12:11: And fuck you to everyone who is having sex tonight because I hate you. Especially the people in my house. But this does not include people having bad sex. I would prefer no sex to bad sex and if I change my mind about that in the future ask me to examine what I am thinking.

Four days

I've been thinking of posting most of this weekend but haven't. clearly. Until now that is. I'm still not too sure that I can now. I don't really know where I am right now.

The quick version of thoughts I can't feel I can articulate.
1. my dad, his birthday
2. love/lack
3. future
4. taking things personally
5. being someone else's priority
6. loneliness
7. indulgence
8. constantly searching
9. constantly missing "something"
10. touch
11. confusion
12. displacement
13. laziness
14. distraction
15. selfishness
16. self pity
17. self care

It's been overwhelming. I don't know how rested I feel at all. Luckily it's a short week.