unwell

I've not been having good dreams the last few nights.

You know, I thought I should come here and unload a bit but I don't want to in a way. It's confirmation of someting. There's been a lot of acute greif the last few days. This weekend used to be my favorite and most relaxing of every year. This year it's serving as a reminder that things have been lost. And last year it showed me that people stop caring for others.

My dreams are about my mom ususally. or make me wake up thinking about her. I can't really remember them all that much but I wake up feeling unloved and like a burden (my secret favorite feeling it would appear). But it's not in a mean way, just a sort of docile way. I don't think my mom would like me if I wasn't her daughter.

And a family friend called me this weekend, probably to find out if I was going to be somewhere this weekend, but I didn't pick up the phone, or even check the message. I owe them something from months ago and feel so stupid that I haven't made it a priority.

My mom asked me to go to our cabin with her my step-dad and all his kids, and I didn't really want to go. I feel like an outsider when we're all together. I got half yelled at on Christmas, and freaked out about my dad at a funeral that was for someone they loved, and I feel embarressed and separate. The only reason I wanted to go was to spend time with my cat, but she's probably gotten so used to things there that she's not going to want to sit with me. So I took extra shifts at work that weekend so I wouldn't have to go.

I can't have sympathy for someone when they know someone's died. Or even when I know the person who's died. I'm still so stuck in grief in some ways that I just can't do it.

But there's a lot of good in my life right now. I'm going to be cutting my debt in half at the end of the month, school is going well and fast, I have two emplyers that think I'm awesome, my craft stuff is going so well. but insdie theres some serious bad and I'm not going to be able to get through to the good unless I shake the bad.

I must go have a bath. I have work today but have been sweating all night becasue it's hot in my room. And I'm all crampy becasue my period has started and a bath should help.