two hours sleep

Yesterday after class most of us went over to one of my classmates house and got super drunk. Some key words (not all directly involved me): kissing, games, hickeys, whips, fetish, secrets, confessions, bonding, music, trust, breasts. A mis of things really. pretty crazy but also pretty amazing. I wasn't expecting the praise (of my body and personality) that I received from them at all. It felt kind of awesome.

But then, the most major thing. I called the Filmmaker, who happened to be downtown, and so he came to the house. He ended up walking one classmate to the skytrain because she was so drunk, then cabbing home with me and two others. He stayed with me and we watched movies until 6:40 am. I told him it was time to leave because I had to be at school at 9:30. There was some very minimal kissing involved.

So what does this mean? I know that he is now "the guy I'm dating". He knows I want proceed cautiously and I'm sorting my feelings out as I go. I pretty much ignored him at the party and he seemed to fend pretty well. He talked to people and most of the drunken reports were positive. I am still a little concerned that I'm not feeling that excited and that I'm hesitant but I'm working through it. I really want to make sure that if I end it I'm doing it because I don't feel things for him, rather than becasue I'm scared.

Money Issues

I'm going out with my whole class tonight but I have a problem. I'm not too sure what I'm going to do about it. Basically, I'm living off my credit card right now, which is fine because I get paid on Friday. Usually I can take cash out with my card but it's not working at all. Which would be fine if we were going to somewhere I could pay by credit. And I looked at my moms bank account and she doesn't have enough money to lend me any. sucks.

Wanting

This sounds kind of silly to say/write, but I feel really sexy today. It's a combination of my hair and what I was wearing and just a general feeling. I don't really have a place to express it though. It will remain just something for myself though.

It's weird remebering what it's like to have someone else touch you. I had got kind of used to being without it but just a tiny hint of it brings it all flooding back. And while I may not be excited about seeing the Filmmaker, I am certainly excited by what dating again could bring.

Next week I'm going to have a mini-party at home and am going out drinking (really) with everyone from school. I'm excited about both.

But I really would like to be excited about someone I could call, invite over and then have my way with for a little while.

blah blah blah

1. I wish I was out right now doing something fun.

2. I do not want to get up early and go do WHMIS tomorrow.

3. I'm 100% sure I will not fall for the FIlmmaker.

4. I'm 100% sure that the hint of touch I got last night is something I want.

5. I want to be excited about someone.

6. I got a package from Lily's family in England. I love them.

7. I want to date.

8. I'm not sure how to meet people to date.

9. I really wanted to like the Filmmaker. I feel disappointment.

10. I am tired. I also have to deal with an obligation I totally negelected tomorrow. I feel bad about it.

In need of rest

1. I thought I had told a classmate I couldn't work on a make-up job she's doing but I must not have. She thinks I'm still doing it but I can't.

2. I got another job but it's for a day I'm in school, which is silly becasue I never would have responded to the ad if I couldn't make the day.

3. I'm dying my hair on Friday. Bight red with gold highlights I think.

4. My room really needs to be cleaned.

5. My bathroom looks nice and has art in it.

6. I'm seeing the filmmaker tomorrow but I am not excited. I have to explain my behaviour on Saturday. I also am pretty sure I don't want to keep seeing him.

7. More on #6 later. maybe. I'm tired. and disappointed.

nothing

My ability to cry is gone. I want to sit and sob. Just cry with every bit of energy I have and I can't. I need the release I felt after it. But I think and I rationalize and put everything I want to cry about into neat little boxes and I keep going. I'm pretty sure this should make me happy but it doesn't. I just want to cry about things. Neat little boxes are not comfortable.

fuck

All I really want o do is swear. I bought make-up today. Did make-up last night. Both went well. But filmmaker and the fact that I'm totally procrastinating about my project tomorrow make me want to say fuck over and over again. really. fuck.

So I called

I've just gotten home from coffee with the Filmmaker. I feel very disconnected about it. He was pretty touchy. I know where he stands basically. But where do I stand? Well I was pretty neutral and unreadable I think. I mean I didn't stop it, but I also didn't initiate or progress it. I didn't want to either. I also think I slipped in a "when I went crazy..." statement too. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen.

He asked if I was still nervous around him as we were parting. I said no, because he's just a person and I was being truthful. But I am nervous about the situation, which is what I think he sensed. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen. I definitely don't like him as much as he likes me. And I may want to have sex like mad, but not with him. But we still have plans for Thursday.

I guess I don't know how to proceed. Should I just keep going as is? Should I say something about just wanting to be super casual? Or should I just say I'm not feeling it and end it there? He says things about really enjoying me but usually I respond with silence. or "thanks". I think I have to remeber boys are kind of stupid and you have to be really clear with them. But that would mean being clear with myself.

Actualyl I think I am pretty clear with how I feel. He's fine to talk to, but I don't really have the interest in anything more. did I just answer my own questions? It would be easier if I didn't like him at all, or didn't know that he liked me. I'm going to go watch a movie. This is bring up a lot of questions.

1. Does it bother me that he's not put off my my strange interests?
2. Am I ever going to want to kiss someone?
3. Am I ever going to like someone?
4. Shouldn't this be easier now that I know someone can like me?
5. Shouldn't his tolerance make him appealing?
6. What is it exactly that doesn't feel right?

Well this is a lot. Part of me just wants to say "look, I'm not sure if I'm interested in persuing this and I don't think it's fair for you to not know that". I don't know if that is either appropriate or necessary. Or what to do once it's been said. Maybe I'm feeling pressured to be more open becasue of him being so open, that it's making me too uncomfortable to be open. On the other hand, maybe I'm jusy purely not attracted enough to him to want to be open and that's that. I don't know how to tell them apart.

And I really want to be comfortable and open. really, I do. so much. Maybe, that in itself is a problem. ok. movie, now.

conflicting

I know I wanted to make things slow and not encourage creepily-familiar behaviour but I want to call the Filmmaker now and see if he wants to do coffee this afternoon. I was going to go downtown and shop but realize I shouldn't. I should still get out of the house though. hmm.

Distance and...

I didn't go into work today. I didn't feel good. I didn't really do anything either like I should have. As a result I have a list for tomorrow. I'm watching "30 days" online and I remember why I liked it so much.

I'm feeling lonely today I think. I spoke with Orange for a while and then my mom and when I hung up I felt like crying. I didn't though. I don't cry nearly as easily these days. It's a lot of things. My mom. My dad. England. School. The first two are sad. I just miss the third a lot. The fourth is awesome, but busy and almost over. Everything is stress, good and bad.

I'm thinking of the Filmmaker. Thinking about what it is I want. What it is I want from him, on Thursday. But also what I want from someone, in the next little while. What I want for Thursday is much clearer. A little bit. Surprisingly, I think I just want to have fun and see if there's any potential there. Yes, he's smart, Yes, he knows his film, but that's not enough to overcome the other things.

So maybe part of it is to see if I feel some sort of physical connection to him. That's more complicated though. That involves me relaxing. Not continually analyzing. Being open to the possibility. I don't want to incorporate the word vulnerable into a sentence. I am sure it's too early for that. It's hard for me to asses what I want when I am so worried about the implications of either. Are my feelings based on fear or a lack of chemisty? It's important to be able to distinguish that and I don't know if I can.

But I am going to try not to worry about that, at least until it's actually in my face. For now I have a major project to do on Monday and alot of prep work to do for it. My focus will be there for now. Or something.

added a few hours later: I kind of want to like the filmmaker. I go back and forth. dating vs. relationship. Maybe it's my post-mentrual hormones that are making me want to have sex and closeness so much. I want hand-holding and kissing. and sex. do I need to say it more? I already know what I'm going to wear on Thursday. My hesitation from early in the week feels to have fallen away. I'm going to watch the rest of this show and put nail polish on.