Distance and...

I didn't go into work today. I didn't feel good. I didn't really do anything either like I should have. As a result I have a list for tomorrow. I'm watching "30 days" online and I remember why I liked it so much.

I'm feeling lonely today I think. I spoke with Orange for a while and then my mom and when I hung up I felt like crying. I didn't though. I don't cry nearly as easily these days. It's a lot of things. My mom. My dad. England. School. The first two are sad. I just miss the third a lot. The fourth is awesome, but busy and almost over. Everything is stress, good and bad.

I'm thinking of the Filmmaker. Thinking about what it is I want. What it is I want from him, on Thursday. But also what I want from someone, in the next little while. What I want for Thursday is much clearer. A little bit. Surprisingly, I think I just want to have fun and see if there's any potential there. Yes, he's smart, Yes, he knows his film, but that's not enough to overcome the other things.

So maybe part of it is to see if I feel some sort of physical connection to him. That's more complicated though. That involves me relaxing. Not continually analyzing. Being open to the possibility. I don't want to incorporate the word vulnerable into a sentence. I am sure it's too early for that. It's hard for me to asses what I want when I am so worried about the implications of either. Are my feelings based on fear or a lack of chemisty? It's important to be able to distinguish that and I don't know if I can.

But I am going to try not to worry about that, at least until it's actually in my face. For now I have a major project to do on Monday and alot of prep work to do for it. My focus will be there for now. Or something.

added a few hours later: I kind of want to like the filmmaker. I go back and forth. dating vs. relationship. Maybe it's my post-mentrual hormones that are making me want to have sex and closeness so much. I want hand-holding and kissing. and sex. do I need to say it more? I already know what I'm going to wear on Thursday. My hesitation from early in the week feels to have fallen away. I'm going to watch the rest of this show and put nail polish on.