I've just gotten home from coffee with the Filmmaker. I feel very disconnected about it. He was pretty touchy. I know where he stands basically. But where do I stand? Well I was pretty neutral and unreadable I think. I mean I didn't stop it, but I also didn't initiate or progress it. I didn't want to either. I also think I slipped in a "when I went crazy..." statement too. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen.
He asked if I was still nervous around him as we were parting. I said no, because he's just a person and I was being truthful. But I am nervous about the situation, which is what I think he sensed. I'm pretty sure he would have kissed me but I'm awesome at not letting that happen. I definitely don't like him as much as he likes me. And I may want to have sex like mad, but not with him. But we still have plans for Thursday.
I guess I don't know how to proceed. Should I just keep going as is? Should I say something about just wanting to be super casual? Or should I just say I'm not feeling it and end it there? He says things about really enjoying me but usually I respond with silence. or "thanks". I think I have to remeber boys are kind of stupid and you have to be really clear with them. But that would mean being clear with myself.
Actualyl I think I am pretty clear with how I feel. He's fine to talk to, but I don't really have the interest in anything more. did I just answer my own questions? It would be easier if I didn't like him at all, or didn't know that he liked me. I'm going to go watch a movie. This is bring up a lot of questions.
1. Does it bother me that he's not put off my my strange interests?
2. Am I ever going to want to kiss someone?
3. Am I ever going to like someone?
4. Shouldn't this be easier now that I know someone can like me?
5. Shouldn't his tolerance make him appealing?
6. What is it exactly that doesn't feel right?
Well this is a lot. Part of me just wants to say "look, I'm not sure if I'm interested in persuing this and I don't think it's fair for you to not know that". I don't know if that is either appropriate or necessary. Or what to do once it's been said. Maybe I'm feeling pressured to be more open becasue of him being so open, that it's making me too uncomfortable to be open. On the other hand, maybe I'm jusy purely not attracted enough to him to want to be open and that's that. I don't know how to tell them apart.
And I really want to be comfortable and open. really, I do. so much. Maybe, that in itself is a problem. ok. movie, now.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
So I called
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2 comments:
hi lovely. it sounds as if he knows that you're super nervous uncomfortable about "something" but you're not being very explicit with him about what. if it's true you're not nervous re: him, you have to tell him that you're nervous re: the situation. because he knows it and he'll drop you probably because you're not being truthful about it. again, im not saying you "should" marry this guy, but its a good place to have an experience with being open with a some-what stranger and facing your fears. maybe he sees his role as a healer? and you've fallen into healing hands!!?
so when do I say this sort of stuff? On the phone, start, middle, end of a date?
And what if the case is that I don't really like him that much but he's been totally accepting of my shortcomings? how much of a bitch does that make me? Can it be that facing my fears with this person is wrong? I'm pretty sure he's not going to reject me but I mean wrong in my king of using him for it? hmm. Maybe it's email time again.
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