so drunk

ok. so I can balerly seee my computer screen I'm so drucnk. but I'm happy and either spelling or typing becomes a priority. I want to havevsex and that's all therte is to it. actually, it's not. the other opart is that I don't throw up and cry. yup. most drunk and blogging ince Englad. and I lost 5$ in a bet about wearing my bra or not. stupid, it was an easy bet to lose.

low to the ground

Facebook is kind of sad. I feel slow and alone. As long as I'm at school and distracted I'm ok, but a few minutes to think and I'm just not in a good space. I'm struggling with HK Inc and working there. I really want to quit but feel so responsible for training someone to replace me, and making sure that person is good. I know it not my responsibility but they have been really good to me over the years. I also need to formalize what's going to happen at the spa in terms of hours and wage.

I just don't know what I REALLY need. I guess I know what's working in my life right now, I know what isn't, but I have no goal. Nothing concrete. Maybe I do in some ways, but not one big overall vision. I don't even know if that's true. hmm. I'm tired.

Raining

outside. not in me. I can't say I'm all sunshine and roses, but I've calmed down a bit I think. I do think I really need to get into some one-on-one counselling. I think it's a mix of depressive habits, grief, and self-esteem/security issues, so I don't really think a group setting would work. I have to figure something out to pay for it, but I think even 4-6 appointments would help a bit.

that's all I really have to say. I was going to straighten my hair for school today but now that it's raining out I don't think I'm going to bother. And I got a nice message on Facebook from one of my make-up teachers. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by a particular craft project but I'm just going to keep working at it and go with the flow. or try at least.

I'm sick of titles

I feel asleep last night at 6:00, then woke up around 2:00, though about eating something for dinner, and then went back to asleep. It's 8:30 now and I have an hour before I have to leave for school. In that time I have to put on make-up (as little as I can possibly get away with) and make lunch. I'm thinking of only staying at school for the demos. I'm feeling tired and crappy.

In the building where my mom lives a lot of the people store things at the back of the parking spots in the garage. I found out from an old neighbour who is close with my family, that my mom is one of them (and we have three spots, two for working cars, and one for an old broken car) and if everything isn't moved by Wednesday it's going to be removed and they will be fined. My mom is out of town though, so I caught her at a time where they happened to have cell service. She told me where extra keys are in their house and for me to go move everything for them (a few things are mine). I can't move everything on my own though, and I have no one to ask to help, and all she ketp telling me is that she couldn't help more than that. It made me feel like crap and like I was disturbing their vacation, but aren't I the one that's helping them to some extent?

I just overall feel like crap.

unwell

I've not been having good dreams the last few nights.

You know, I thought I should come here and unload a bit but I don't want to in a way. It's confirmation of someting. There's been a lot of acute greif the last few days. This weekend used to be my favorite and most relaxing of every year. This year it's serving as a reminder that things have been lost. And last year it showed me that people stop caring for others.

My dreams are about my mom ususally. or make me wake up thinking about her. I can't really remember them all that much but I wake up feeling unloved and like a burden (my secret favorite feeling it would appear). But it's not in a mean way, just a sort of docile way. I don't think my mom would like me if I wasn't her daughter.

And a family friend called me this weekend, probably to find out if I was going to be somewhere this weekend, but I didn't pick up the phone, or even check the message. I owe them something from months ago and feel so stupid that I haven't made it a priority.

My mom asked me to go to our cabin with her my step-dad and all his kids, and I didn't really want to go. I feel like an outsider when we're all together. I got half yelled at on Christmas, and freaked out about my dad at a funeral that was for someone they loved, and I feel embarressed and separate. The only reason I wanted to go was to spend time with my cat, but she's probably gotten so used to things there that she's not going to want to sit with me. So I took extra shifts at work that weekend so I wouldn't have to go.

I can't have sympathy for someone when they know someone's died. Or even when I know the person who's died. I'm still so stuck in grief in some ways that I just can't do it.

But there's a lot of good in my life right now. I'm going to be cutting my debt in half at the end of the month, school is going well and fast, I have two emplyers that think I'm awesome, my craft stuff is going so well. but insdie theres some serious bad and I'm not going to be able to get through to the good unless I shake the bad.

I must go have a bath. I have work today but have been sweating all night becasue it's hot in my room. And I'm all crampy becasue my period has started and a bath should help.

Morning Time

1. I slept from 6:30 until 9:00 last night. I am tired. I even missed Canada's Next Top Model.

2. I really want to quilt.

3. I bought things to fix my spinning wheels.

4. School is good but tiring. I have two client manicures today.

5. Work is good but not quite enough to live on right now.

6. I am feeling better about being single, which is good.

7. I have two more long days a head of me.

8. I really need to do laundry.

9. My breasts get in the way while doing pedicures.

10. My room is so hot at night it's hard to sleep.

11. My skin is so dry and I'm drinking tons of water and moisturizing constantly.

Median

I'm feeling a little off. Today was mostly better. I feel like something, as usual, is missing. Less than yesterday maybe. did that make any sense? Maybe I feel isolated. I feel like I've been irritating everyone around me. But I think I'm just lonely. Like I'm just being tolerated because I'm unavoidable. I've felt like that a lot in the last while, which really just tells me that it's in my head and not because people really feel that way.

I'm tired too. What else? I feel boring. Like I don't have anything original to share. Just things other people can also do and information I only know because I have a good memory. That didn't really make any sense either. I want ice cream or pudding and I want to cuddle. And I want better pillows. And my nail kit so I can give myself a manicure. And practice on other people too.

Maybe learning pedicures tomorrow and a shift at the spa will make me feel better. Fix this unknown thing.

(I really wanted to fall in love and I feel that not doing so is a major part of this unrest.)

a few words

I miss Filmmaker. I miss him, yet I do not want to be with him. I woud want to have sex with him if he were here, but I have no desire to masturbate. But it's not just about the sex. It's the company and the closeness. I miss that too. Replacing him would solve some of these problems, but it wouldn't solve any of the ones I had when I was with him.

I hoped being in a relationship would have increased my comfort with them but it didn't at all.

Found (but still lost)

Well my mom found my cat yesterday down by the apartment I used to live in that's a half basement. How she got off the fourth floor is still a mystery though. I'm going to stop by their house today and smother her a bit.

I had a dream about getting back together with Filmmaker. It was mostly about sex though. And it wasn't filled with wonderfulness. It was just the real-life mixture of what I'm actually feeling. That I like him a bit, and I want to really like him, but theres something huge missing.

I'm not going to put make-up on today even though it's kind of out of rebellion that I have to wear it every other day, and not because I actually don't want to.

(oh, did I mention that I got a tip for my very first official manicure ever? exciting.)

I don't understand

So again, as things start to smooth out (school's good, work's good, money's ok) something happens. I go back into tears and confusion and wondering what I've done to deserve all of this. ANy hope for future success I've built back up starts to crumble again.

This time it's my cat. The cat I love and is living with my mom and I miss, miss, miss, has gone missing. And my mom lives on the fourth floor of the building. It makes no sense but she's been gone for more than 12 hours. My mom's checked with the neighbours whose balconys attach to theirs, and walked around outside calling her but nothing. My cat is missing.

And all I can say is I don't understand. I don't understand why I can't get a few months of calm and simplicity.

And now I'm not going to read into it and make some larger relationship lesson out of it and start being upset about Filmmaker, which I've already kind of been this week. I just don't get any of it at all.