Loaded

Hmm. So it's been over a week and there's lots going on. Today I feel sad and not hopeful, which is quite the opposite of yesterday.

I'm still not in a good money position. My mom paid me back some more so I'll have enough for rent, but everything after that is worrying and it's hard to know how to ration it out. I asked my credit card for an extension on my credit limit, but I didn't get it, which isn't that surprising really.

As per a discussion with Orange last week some more CD's are being sold because I never listen to them anyways.

Also on the list for today is resumes. I emailed a bunch out yesterday and I have three in person ones to do today. They are all decent jobs at reasonable pay, except one, but it's nearly guaranteed. But I'd prefer one of the others. I don't know. I mean I do know I'll feel better once I find other work but it'd be extra awesome if it's actually something I want to do for a while.

Last night I spent time with both Blondie and little boat, which was very nice. And I might be getting the new bed from Miranda this weekend, but I haven't heard from her so I'm not really sure. I have to actually clean my room and move the existing bed before that happens though. Tomorrow I have tons of prep work for my final practical assignment at school but Imight take a break and go out to Richmond to meet some Blythe collectors.

Bit there's filmmaker, which might be the source of my sadness this morning. Or much of it. I think I need to start at some sort of beginning. He knows a bit of about my dad, europe and coming home, but only the bare minimum, no details, no real feelings.

Last week and aunt of mine died and yesterday my mom and sister went to the island for her funeral. I didn't go. Instead I made a card and when FIlmmaker came over I was deciding what to write in it. He suggeted that I think about what people wrote me and what made me feel better. So I told him I never read any of the cards, or the guest book. His response was a non-judgemental "wow, you really haven't dealt with it". It didn't hit me at the time, but later, post-sex laying in my bed it did.

I brought up seriousness because he compared me to his ex in his life journal and I needed to tell him that it made me uncomfortable becasue I wanted to be good on my own, not becasue I was better than her. But that I also understood it's natural to compare and that his livejounrla is for his friends who have known him for a while. I understood that and said he can keep writing whatever he wants but to be aware when he's talking with me.

So then he brought up seriousness in exchange. I don't really know what he said but it was something about my dad and "how I am" and I just started crying becasue it's not that simple and I don't expect or even need him to understand. But I was upset and I wanted to tell him to go home. He wouldn't which was good, but I just can't explain it all.

I can't explain the I miss my dad for everything in the future that he won't be a part of. And I'm frustrated with my mom these days, but she's all I have but she can't give me what I need. I need the thoughtfulness of my dad. I needed it at Christmas, I needed it on my Birthday. I need it now becasue I'm stressed and broke and doing all these things I don't know about.

And I can't explain England. Because explaining England is telling him this must end. And that I'm never going to be satisfied and happy here. But it's also that I don't even have areality of England now. It's all far away and abstract and never going to be what I had. And how my dad and europe are connected. And how I kind of lost two lives in one day and I'm still trying to build a new one that I don't trust will ever be complete.

And yesterday morning he said he couldn't stay over because he had something to do this morning. It wasn't until the day progressed that I realized I was confused why he didn't tell me what. It might be becasue it's about his ex and he knows I don't always want to hear about her. But then as I was coming home I texted him to see if he was done work and to say hi but I didn't hear back. And then my head got filled with irrational insecurites. And maybe it still is.

And now he just texted me to say he's awake but I don't want him. I want my dad. I want to know that I can do this with no doubts about if I'll actually be able to do it like my mom has. But it's really hard to epxlain to someone who really wants to make you feel better and doesn't like seeing you sad. You can't tell them they're not enough. Especially when the not enough is because you need something bigger than anyone can give.

And I am dealing with things. but they are huge things and they are going to take a really really long time and they just can't be encapsulated into something small. And I'm working really really hard at it most times. I try to be really self-aware about it all. And it's not like it all started with my dad. It's hard to explain. Men like to fix things - say it's all go away. But it won't for me. It'll get better, easier, but it's won't go away.

And when he gets emoitional or insecure I get scared and almost paralyzed. I can't say anything, no matter something reassuring. I can't do what I know is necessary.

But I must do resumes today. I must make my hair and make-up look awesome. And I must get laundry done. And I must not spend any money that is not absolutely necessary.