The bad: I'm broke and feel helpless about it. I know I'm not but I feel that way. I have to buy some things for my final project but I can't afford to. I'm also just hoping that my internet and phone don't get cut off. I can pay a bit on the first but not until then. fuck. Also bad, I have a headache.

The good: Things with Filmmaker are going awesome. I'm getting a bit pre-occupied with if it's progressing normally but trying hard not to. I think we're going on a double date (weird.) with some of his friends on Friday. It's not at all confirmed. We're spending We're talking every day, even if just by text or email, but not seeing each other that often. We're probably seeing each other four nights out of seven. And then it's the whole night through to the morning. But we're not just having lots of sex. We're talking and laughing and being serious. We're both getting into each others lives and it really quite nice.

We've talked about me not being super affectionate and that's now in a comfortable place. I'm feeling better about it and as a result I am being more affectionate towards him. We've talked about it shoes and that I care even though I know it's shallow. That also came to a comfortable place where he acknowledges he could put more effort into it and if he wants to really be seen as a serious filmmaker, He's going to have to look that part. He wants me to go shopping with him next month. It sounds like a super risky idea but I won't tell him what to buy. I'll just take him into stores he might not usually go to so he can get a better idea of what's out there. I'll only give my opinion when asked. I really don't want him to do things just because I want him to.

I feel lucky. Lucky that I gave him a chance and didn't let my fear and judgements win. Lucky that he's immensely patient with me in many ways. Lucky that he's honest and doesn't leave me guessing about where he stands. Lucky that he is so sexually open. Lucky that I'm not focused on how this is going to come crashing down on me, but lucky I'm remaining in a state of reality.

How was that for gushing. I think I intended for this to be a post about sex but it wasn't. Last night we had slow sex. Like dreamy slow motion sex. I didn't at all expect him to be able to come at such a pace but he did. It's good. I was sleepy but wanting. Maybe it's the weather or my headache but I just don't feel like writing an explicit post about great sex. This is enough - in a good way.