Weekending

1. We got a leather reclining couch and it might be too comfortable.

2. Titania is just going to bed now and I am going to wank my heart out for a while.

3. We played badminton tonight and it was great fun.

4. A potluck dinner party is happening tomorrow night and I am making this awesome couscous salad.

5. I really like my red hair.

6. Opening a store in the next few years in a distinct possibility.

7. We're printing business cards next week.

8. I am so excited my body wants sex.

Misplaced

There's something I want to be doing that I feel like I can't do as much as I want because I have this stupid day/office job. I am not tired and I want to make stuff and it would be fine to do it now, even at this silly time of the day if I didn't feel obligated to go to work tomorrow. I'ver been picking my own hours which means 2 or 3 days a week and 5-6 hour days. I hardly get anything of substance done and I am completely distracted. I just want to wipe my hands of it and craft.

I'm also borke. Not technically but actually. As of Monday I won't be but my last 150.00 just went to my therapist. I'm not sure how long I'll see her for. I totally make it seem like everythings in control when it's not. I'm feeling a bit freaked out by my world. I have having massive daydreams about doing something that shouldn't be as realistic as I'm making it feel. And it has nothing to do with sex.

Actually I don't have anything to do with sex right now. Even the orgasm yesterday was forced because I wanted it to give me energy. It didn't work and I didn't go out. But now I have crazy amounts of energy and I should be sleeping. I've been this broke before but usually there's been decent food in the house and that is currently not the case. blah. I might accidentally post-date a cheque or something to buy some groceries. blah more.

but nothings bad really. There's just so many possibilites and I want to focus on two things and I have this silly fucking job that I just want to leave. I just want to quit and leave them to deal with it. It's not like my boss will ever know the difference. He doesn't understand half of it anyways. And if they fail an inspection it's not my fault. It's his fault for not getting it and the lab managers fault for being lazy. Plus, I won't work there.

I feel torn between dreams. I'm told by the professional that none of them are exclusive but I need to feel on a path to something specific. I need to have my next year sorted. I know now through June but then I'm lost. But it feels like I might as well be lost now. Is 10 months really that different than a year? I know it's not but here I am anyways.

I wanted to be done work this weekend and I'm not going to be. I have to go in next week because that's just who I am. Deliquant and Olive aren't around this week and they are two of the most important people to help me finish things. BUt they were both there last week and I only went in one day. I just don't want to do it. My movtivations not there becasue it's a waste of time and becasue I have something better to do. I feel frustrated and uncomfortable.

I want to feel fulfilled and content. Or even rested. I think what makes it so hard id that I'm inspired by something but I can't focus on it entirly becasue of this stupid project that is totally energy zapping and mind-numbing. I need out but I'll never get fired. I even go in with intentions to finish a lot but I just can't make it through. And eveyday I make the list of what I have left to do smaller by completing two documents and erasing one I should do off the list becasue it's low priority. I should be fired.

Attempting

I'm supposed to go out dancing and such tonight but I really don't want to. It was supposed to be a bunch of us but now it's only two I think and I've been sleeping poorly. It's really the staying up late and getting all fancied up part I'm not into, which is very very strange. Titania gets home within an hour and she actually wants to go I think. I'm good with going downtown for dinner and some walking around or beach chilling, just not Celebrities.

Things I've done to get myself into going out:
Slept in and went to work late
Left work really early
Bought craft supplies
Napped
Tested new craft technique
Sorted and purged stuff
Had a bath
Had an orgasm
Played dancing music
Played with the cat
Orange and Salt body scrub

Things I am going to try next:
Re-apply nail polish
craft more
straighten hair

Lazy Pazy

I'm still in my bed. I have gotten out of it a few times to eat and pee but I'm happy here. I'm sitting up with the laptop on my pillow and it's good. I watched tree episodes of Queer as Folk and made a potential banner for the business. I'm kind of waiting for Titania to get home from her lunch to take some photos of earrings but it's not a big deal if it doesn't happens.

I'm still feeling a bit off school like I was yesterday but I'm just trying not to think about it. Starting a store-front business isn't really a possibility right now so I just need to let it go and finish this degree. I have more CD's to go through before I put them in the garage sale pile that has taken over my front hallway. It's a little crazy how much I have to sell. This week I've got to do some advertising for it becasue the more money the better.

I'm going to go becasue I'm thirsty and I should update my calendaar. I have a therapy appointment this week and I think it's going to be rough. I have a lot I'm thinking of. School, crafts, boys, death. I'm only going to see her once a month because she's really really expensive. She is really good though. And one of my favorite shops is on the same block as her office. I haven't been there since I've been home either.

Licenses

I'm having a bit of a lack of interest in academics today. I don't know if it's just because I'm not doing it but it feels less powerful than it did just one month ago.

Basically Chatton and I have decided to start a ligitimate business based on the tiny things we started last year. 3 of the 4 four major steps are simple enough, but getting a license with the city is proving difficult to a point where I'm unsure of if this can happen. And somehow that makes me want to just seriously start the business, get a loan, get some retail space with a studio and such and just go from there.

I don't know where that would put school or England. And I know Chatton isn't in a position to do that. I guess I kind of feel like I can do anything and maybe being an academic isn't right despite it being interesting. I guess I'm not seriously considering it, but it seems more interesting right now.

I'm not looking forward to school that much. I know a business would be work but it's a different kind of work. Maybe I'm just restless and unsure of everything. I really don't know. I always go through phases of second guessing the idea of becoming an academic. However, I do love it and know that starting a business isn't any more secure really.

I just want to feel like I'm doing something but I'm not sure what something I want to be doing and should be doing. THis evening however I should clean, sort and start dinner.

Another Friend

Yesterday Chatton and I had a reunion of sorts with one of our friends who was in Europe with Chatton and came and visited me. I haven't seen her since I returnd and Chatton hadn't seen her in several months. She (Ringlette) is moving to Halifax on the 16th to continue and finish art school. We always have the best times together. She was changed by Europe in many of the same ways I was. We really connect on that level.

So last night we got drunk. Titania was home but didn't want to drink with us. Her and Chatton both had to work the next day. I was supposed to go into my office but hangover pancakes and shopping with Ringlette so won out. I think Titani might be mad at me for being a bit loud late last night when she was trying to sleep. She hardly said anything to me or Ringlettes in the morning and when I asked her if she was aound for dinner she just mumbled things. Usually she'd be home by now but she's not. Her phone isn't working right now either so calling her isn't possible.

I can understand being irritated but we weren't consistantly loud but we were in bed talking and laughing and just got increaingly loud and giddy. I also am not going to see her for a yeaar after the next few weeks so it's a exceptional circumstance. And as soon as she spoke up to the fact she was being kept awake we totally quietened down. I really hope she's not actually mad.

I know half of it is probably that she really hates her job right now but she's not doing all she can to get a new one. I just think she needs to change her own circumstance and that she completely has it within her to do so. When she doesn't it's frustrating and don't understand.

Anyway, talking with RInglettes made me decide anything with C is not worth it unless it's initiated on his part and his stoner tendancies are less than they currently appear. There's way more nad than good about him right now.

Maybe I'm just feeling lonely. RInglette and Chatton get excited with me. I want Titania to be excited about life becasue I think it's so very worthy of excitement. Some days may suck and you may go to work tired or whatever but there's so much worse that can happen. I just want to keep the excitement around as much as possible. I really like being excited to wake up even if it's just to go to lectures and make curry for dinner. It doesn't have to be a giddy-excited just a energy-excited. Maybe that's being really happy.

I really want to get take-out sushi but was waiting for Titani to see if she wanted to come and walk there with me. hmm. I'm not sure what my plans for tonight (or the whole weekend) are otherwise. I have plans on Tuesday night at Celebrities though.

Todays Tasks

I'm taking the day off work but want to be productive. Here's the list, constantly updated.

1. Laundry
2. Dishes
3. Wash toys
4. Vaccum
5. Clean blue bag
6. Buy groceries for dinner
7. Import contacts to google
8. Update poscasts on ipod
9. Finish swap craft
10. Clean room
11. Flight insurance
12. Put out garage sale notice
13. Change vmail greeting
14. go through CD's to sell
15. check jobs on craigslist
16. PM new swap partner
17. Email UBC advisor
18. Update other blog
19. Empty camera
20. Take out garbage and recycling
21. "Who the people on my blog are" post
22. Sort Craft stuff

It looks like some of these might carry over until tomorrow but that's ok. I'm taking it off tomorrow to do craft with Chatton.

Airports

I don't want to sleep. I'm not feeling tired enough and I don't want to think. I ended up spending some time at the airport because I am an awful grand-daughter and it made me want luggage and a ticket. I hated being there and I loved being there. I feel kind of numb and not stable. I alsmost cried on the bus ride home.

I looked up the therapist I was last at and called to see if I could get an appointment. I stopped going partly because it was expensive but it also stresses me out in a way. That said, I know I need it right now and I can afford it. I get mostly reimbursed anyways. But I think I need it. I know I need to deal with stuff about boys and relationships but I'm not sure if I'll do that. I tend to avoid vocalising that it's a real problem for me but doing that kind of defeats the purpose of going. We'll see if I can even get an appointment.

There's a girl I've known for a while she went to art school with Chatton, Claire and another good friend who I'm not sure if I have given a name to in the past. We met her, her girlfriend and a bunch of their other friends at pride and she works with Titania. I've never hung out one-on-one with her but see her at parties a lot. Anyways, we;ve been hanging out a bunch more since I've been back and she's going to help me clean out my storage room to get ready for a big garage sale in two weeks.

Once that's done Titani are going to host a gathering of friends at what we are calling a house-re-warming. It will involve good food, drinking, games, music. a mellow vibe overall because the place is small but it's always fun.

I'm also feeling kind of sick today. Like waves of nausea that come and go. I didn't eat a lot yesterday or today so I'm not sure if that's the problem. I finished watching all the Wonderfalls episodes and they are soo good. I recommend getting your hands on them. It's pretty silly, but smart and funny.

I think at the core of everything in the last few days is that I want affection and I don't care too much where it comes from. Even the cat loving me is great. She's purring in my lap right now. I'm going to make some pasta with pesto. I'm also trying to download all the Queer as Folk episodes for season five. I'm not into reality right now and I don't know how ok that is. I guess it all depends how long it lasts.

mornings

Titania and I both slept way in today. We're just finishing up breakfast and smoothies. I feel like rollerskating but I'm still not very good. I used to be good when I was younger but haven't used the ones I bought nearly as much as I should. Especially considering their price.

I received an email from Midge that has settled me on that front. I know where she stands and part of that is that she has no expectations of my actions. So for now I can rest knowing that's true and assess how I feel when she's around and we're resorting the friendship on just a friendship level. I do have a feeling that I wouldn't be so considering it if I was seeing someone and my mind didn't keep venturing that way. I mean I fantasize about a bunch of things I'd never actually considering doing.

However, in another way I think that it's just that I don't fancy a relationship with her and I'm just not that interested in casually sleeping with a friend - any friend. But, we'll see. I'm not dismissing it but when she's here I'll have to decide what my thoughts really are and see if I'm doing something or not doing it for the right reasons.

I've also thought more about C. He's more complicated/immediate though because I don't know him very well at this point and he's actually in the same city as me. Maybe it would be a good idea to go after him only because I'm not very familiar with him and the potential for hurt/disapointment is low. I'm not sure if that's true though. And I don't really know what to do if I make that decision that I would like to see him outside of Virgin at some point. I really have to get over this.

one last question about Midge: why didn't I know this before we both left? Was it not there? Was it concealed them becasue of me? becasue of her? becasue of the serious relationship she was then in? I don't think I need answers but it does occur to me.

I really feel like going out today and doing something active. A bunch of people around me are buying or have bought bikes and it makes me want one. Something cool and old school though. I really should just use my rollerskates. I do have something I'm supposed to do today because I'm avoiding it. It makes me kind of a bad person but I'll try to make up for it.

Pie

Titania: How about a piece of pie?
Me: I think pie is part of my problem.

The confusin of pie as dessert and pie as pussy has been floating into almost every conversation today and it has been funny. I've been wandering aimless around the flat looking for something to eat but I know my indecision has nothing to do with food. My hair is damp from rinsing out the dye. It's not as bright as I was hoping but still really nice.

I told Chatton and Titania about my revelation to and discovery about Midge. I felt like I needed to tell someone even though I wasn;t expecting to have anything said back. I think the fact taht it's gone fromfantasy to possibilty I'm confused about what I want. It's not liek I need a commitment that somethign wil happen, but I do need to decide if somethign happening is ok with me. That I do not know. My body and my head are in conflict.

But then we were downtown today and I wanted to stop at virgin. Now until today I thought I was done thinking about C because of the fact he and Miranda were casually hooking up for a short period of time about 3 years ago. But my desire to go to virgin to see if he was working still happened. We looked for Claire upstairs and when we couldn't see her we went downstairs. This is where he and the other girl work. I spotted him and asked him if the other two were working and said hi. Titania and Chatton came over and we chatted a tiny bit and then he offered to check the scedule to be sure neither was there.

Somewhere along the line today I realized I was confused about both these people but that my feelings about each were mixed up with each other. In a way I know what I want but I'm not sure how to go about it. I do miss talking to Midge as much as we used to but she's super busy socially (yay!) and the timing doesn't work as much anymore. I miss flirting with classclown and guys at bars. I don't really have replacements for either.

I want affection and attention and playfulness. I want it from a guy who likes me. I don't know if I want it from C or if he's just prsent and that's enough. That sounds a bit like desparation but I don't think it's that at all. It's like I don't know what beign wanted looks like anymore. I can't see it because I don't know what it looks like. And what if I did decide I wanted to get to know C better? I'd have no idea how to do it other than visit virgin a lot and hope he shows up at parrties where I'll be drunk and forward yet distanced.

Chatton said that it seemed I'm unwilling to put myself out there and in a way I am. But I want the result that action would give so I've got to do it. I've always said I'm not afraid of rejection but I think that's a lie. I think that all this time I feel like I've been rejected but tons of people. Not directly but nothing ever happened and no one ever tried (even when I kind of did) so it's added up. Now I feel a bit stuck and paralyzed about it all.

Have I said this all before? Maybe the new part is that I know I have to do something and I'm so close to wanting to do it but now I'm not sure what that thing is. How do you know someone else is interested in getting to know you better? Should it be obvious? should you just wait for them to say something? If I didn't have friends I'd think it was me but I truly don't think that.

But it does occur to me that I'm just not his type but I don't know who's type I am. LIke I said already he might just be my focus becasue he's there rather than anything about his actual self. He's got three things about him I don't get and only one I do get that I know of.

BUt I don't know what to do. Any maybe that's where I end up thinking about Midge. Is it a good idea because we do like each other and I know it's not us using each other or not respecting or whatever. But then maybe it's bad becasue she's just a source of the gratification I can't figure out how to get elsewhere. Or maybe, despite my continued belief that I'm not interested in an emotional relationship with a woman and would only consider a sexually based one, I'm worried that something will go bad and it'll fuck a friendship up.

I want to sleep but there'll be more sex dreams and nothing about my real life will be sorted. I'm not sure If I need to make things happen to get what I want or if what should happen will naturally happen at the right time. I also don't know if what I want is general (attention and affection) or specific (C). All I really am sure of is that I want someone. I want someone who would be lying behind me and playing with my hair while encouraging me to get off the computer and have some slow sleepy sex and reminding me of the mornings plans for pancakes.