Several Days

1. One of my intructors said that people who collect stamps are the kind of people he used to make fun of back when he was an undergrad.

2. A guy in that same lecture has a hat with real seasheels swen onto it.

3. I spend a really nice Wednesday evening hanging out at Mirandas house.

4. I'm naked, in bed, drinking warm vanilla soy milk and waiting for my favorite educational sex show to come on.

5. I have tons of things to do this weekend. They include:
a) baking 12 pear muffins and 12 banana ones.
b) reading at least three more chapters of the Iliad.
c) Get beads and make a necklace.
d) finish another craft gift.
e) file some old emails I printed.
f) prepare my UK course outlines to submit to UBC.
g) host a mosaic workshop where I'll cover a wood box to have a place to keep some of my Dad's ashes.
h) Clean the fridge.
i) Do laundry
j) Sort craft closet again.
l) Clean various other items around the house.

6. I am liking all my lectures so far but a few of them just feel like review work right now. I'm excited about what's to come though.

7. I haven't met anyone yet but it's only been four days. I'm not worried yet.

8. I bought this super soft yarn that's 100% bamboo. who knew? I also bought really cute new shoes today for only $10.00. On Wednesday I go to test bikes and will soon have one in my possesion.

9. I hit my head on a metal coat rack last night and it seriously hurts. No bump or bruise thouch luckily.

10. I feel good but tired. I feel excited too which I am happy about and I hope it sticks around.

Too late

I think I need a girl version of a cum rag to keep beside my bed. I hate getting up after wanking but I also don't like still feeling super wet/gooey from lube in the morning. I think I need to get a different lube. both things really.

I keep having these tiny orgasms. Sometimes that just makes me want to keep going but recently it's plenty. It's just the amount of release needed to use up the immediate sexual need. I don't know if that's good or not. It's not like I wouldn't want to continue if say there was another person here who wanted more, but I just don't feel the need to on my own.

I haven't heard from The Artist about coffee tomorrow but I'm not fussed about it. I do have a three hour lecture in the afternoon and CHatton and I are meeting for brunch. I also have some craft things I seriously need to finish in the next few days. I figure my hour long morning busrides will help for the simple and transportable projects.

I've got to get up and go to the bathroom because my thicghs are sticking together and it's uncomfortable. I also have to sleep. I need to start getting up at 7:00 am on my new schedule. I know I can do it but not if I'm staying up this late all the time.

Recovery

I am so glad Chatton and Metro (what we'll call her boyfriend) came over last night. I ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine I got in the Okanagan by myself while they also got appropriately drunk. It was a really great end to the night.

But it did get crazy at the end. Metro brought up their apparaantly failing sex life as an attempt to get Chatton to talk about it because he figured CHatton and I had discussed it. He was wrong though and she got very mad and defensive and left. I chased after her and got her to calm down and then she went home. I returned to my flat and Metro wouldn't leave. Instead I talked to him in an attempt to explain where Chatton might be coming from. I also had CHatton on the phone and was trying to get them to communicate through me. I divulged thing about myself as well in an attempt to get them to talk. After about one hour and another beer Metro left and returned to Chatton.

It was weird but now I like Metro all that much more which is good considering only 3 months ago I didn't like him at all. Chatton and I connected on another level and she now understands my main issue with guys and seems eager to help, which is good.

Today they asked me to come with them to a BMX competition. It was the final day and it was good. Afterward Metro went biking and CHatton and I hung out downtown. We talked to our piercer who moved back to the studio we used to get work done an it was great. He filled us in a bit on what had gone on with him since he left there before and we talked about on new place a few blocks from them.

He also said he's starting a referal program where if you give them 5 clients you get a free piercing (If you're in Vancouver and are considering getting pierced let me know!) and said he'd try my nipple again if we did the other one and we'd use a barbell instead of a CBR. We also looked at tattoo portfolios but I'm proabably going to go to the guy who did Chatton and ringlettes work to get the next section of my back done. I'm hoping to do it towards the end of this month.

So I'm feeling better. Things are not good between Titania and I but again she is not around tonight to work it out. I really don't care that she's not spending her nights here as long as she is getting what she wants from the relationship she is apparently not in spending a lot of time with. I am mad for how she handled not coming with me last night and how she said she'd be home and didn't come back.

I will admit to feeling some irrational irritation with her which I will get over. But just syaing you want me to feel better and then leaving is not at all the kind of support I need. Even if she had stayed home and asked if I wanted to go for a walk or something I would have felt 100 times better about it. I need people who can actually be (and want to be) helpful when I need them.

Cancelled

We'll I'm not going. I tried. I got dressed. I put a necklace on. I went into the bathroom with make-up but ended up sitting in there crying for nearly an hour. Irealized all I want is someone to ask me how I am and help me feel better. Titania asked if I was ok and wanted to talk but I said no. I'm mad at her. She's now out, which is funny considering she said she just wanted to stay home tonight when I asked if she still wanted to go to the party.

But I called Chatton because her and her boy were still going because I invited them. We talked a bit and the only reason she wanted to go to the party was to hang out with me so they're now coming here to keep me company.

It's my dad's birthday today. No one knows. My mom's out of town, as is my sister. Titania should know but seems to have forgotten. It feels completely unreal and overwhelming all at the same time. In a way it's like everything is too much all out together. And now, adding the necessity of fighting panic attacks I just feel awful. I thought my books coming would make me feel better but they didn't at all.

Pre-party concerns

Well my hair is all straightened and Titania is home. However, she has a headache and she's not really into going out. On top of that I haven't heard from Chatton yet about whether she's coming. So, basically this all means I actually want to go to the party but I'm super nervous about it and comlpetely not comfortable going on my own.

In itself that's pretty silly because I will know tons of people there. There'll be a lot of people I went to high-school and elementary school with, but I haven't seen many of them for several years. I haven't felt like I wanted to go somewhere I can't ina little while. I recall having a mement or two in England but here it just reminds me of the height of my anxiety when I could hardly go anywhere on my own.

So that's where I am. I think the fact that I haven't seen anyone in so long makes me not want to go by myself even more. It's totally insecure of me.

Plus, my books for UBC haven't been delivered yet and the woman at the courier said she's be in in between 4 and 6 and she knows I'm going out at 8. It kind of makes me worried that something is wrong with my intercom or something. But maybe I won't be going out tonight at all. Who knows. My hair looks great if nothing else.

I also had a thought today that it might make my friends here not feel so great that I want England so bad. That might be arrogant of me though. (Can one be both arrogant and insecure?) But really it's more about no stress and my dad and not having to re-adjust to another school. It's having a fresh start. Like in England when I go somewhere with all new people (nearly always) it was all about making a good impression.

Tonight is different though because I feel like people have an image of me and I have to remake it. I don't know why I have to remake it though. I was kind of friends with a lot of people but not close with very many. I was always a little bit distanced. not enough of one thing to fit perfectly into any group. But Titania's in the shower so maybe that does mean that she's into going. we'll see.

Full of Feelings

1. I feel sad. I feel unenergetic and low. I want to curl up by myself and pretend stuff.

2. I went out with Paris tonight and it was nice. We were both tired though. I admitted that The Artisit was the last person I've had sex with when she asked. I explained (because I felt like a loser) that I only want to sleep with someone when I'm in a relationship and when I'm not really interested in a relationship it's hard. It's been true at time but not recently. I'm really trying to be excited about her party tomorrow night and just staying postive. Last weekend has me a bit concerned.

3. I want to be watching "what not to wear" right now but Titania and her friend are getting ready to go out and I'll feel like more of a loser than I already do. Plus, from what she's told me of the friend I don't think she's a very good or positive person to be around.

4. I feel like the artist asked me for coffee because he was concerned about me. It feels nice. Just before he asked we were talking about how I hadn't gone to work and he said it's good to go out when you feel that way becasue it really does make you feel better.

5. Midge emailed me to a sad comment about her not staying here when she does come back from Japan. It almost feels like one more thing from Europe is gone. That doesn't make too much sense but I'm not sure how else to put it.

6. Lily and Scotsman broke up. I want to give Lily a huge hug and fly her out here or something. MSN chats will have to do though.

7. I bought tickets to The Killers and British Sea Power this morning. 247.00 total for four tickets for me, Titania, Midge and Penny. I'm super excited. BSP are so bloody loved by me.

8. I miss England. Did I mention that yet?

(edited at 10:00 to add: 9. I love the feeling that someone wants to take care of me. I know that people want me to feel better, but that someone is being pro-active about being there is really touching and amazing. I'm sure that's not the Artist's intention after all going for coffee has been a plan since we atarted talking when I was away. However, identifying that feeling in myself is important. I want to be taken care of right now. I want someone to baby me. I want people to ask me how I'm doing and who really want to hear it. I need some personal attention really bad. I want someone to just sit an mope with me for a bit about my things. Another thing I don't know where or if I'll get it. But maybe that's the same as love.
You know, maybe the reason that I feel the need to tell people about my dad is that it gives me a reason to be sad becasue something about missing Europe just isn't enough and hasn't been validated at all by people around me. I'm crying again for like the 6th time this week and it's stressful and exhausting in itself. I feel so stuck and lost right now. At the same time I'm starting to worry that I'd probably ben spending this Friday night alone if I were in England too. I just don't know anything.)

Making Plans

Today Titania's sister and brother and a friend (Penny) came by and we all had dinner and played LIFE together. It was very good. Then I spoke on MSN to The Artist and another old friend who has just returned from several months in France (Let's call her Paris). So now I'm going for drinks with Paris tomorrow, to a house party full of old friends on Saturday, to a show involving Eastern (mutual friend of Midge's and I who was i Europe when I was) on Monday, for coffee with the Artist on Tuesday and then doing something with both Olive and Miranda before Sunday, when I have a craft group session.

I sound like I'm busy and should be happy but I don't really feel that way. I think I want to but I don't know if it's entirely true. I want my text books to be delivered so I can remember what exactly it is that I am doing here. I hope things sort themselves out.

I'm having very mixed feelings about seeing people I haven't seen in years at this house party. They were all people I was good friends with but didn't at all stay in touch with. Here the copyrighting that comes automatically to me.

me: hey, how are you?
then : good, you?
me: good what have you been up to?
then: nothing much, school/work.
me: cool.
then: and you?
me: I've just got back from Europe where I was living (blah blah)
them: something about me being happy to be back/awaiting UBC.
me: not really, I miss England.
them: oh.
And then if it gets worse and the person knew my Dad I'll mention death and it's awful.

I guess I just want to avoid it, but I'm no good at faking it and so I end up being a downer and feeling shitty. I'm kind of stuck in "I don't want to go to UBC, I miss England, I can't understand that my Dad died" mode and I'm comfortable being there. I'm not happy being comfortable but I don't know where I would be if not there.

And then I found out today that Midge is not going to be staying in Vancouver and I'm sad. I mean it's obviously not her problem or anything I expect her to change for me, but I'm just not happy about it to the point of being disappointed and feeling unreasonably let down. I don't know why she's made the decision but I'm sure it's the right one for her I'm just sad.

I feel like I'm a total broken record. I just don't what else to do. I'm hoping my upcoming massive human contact will shake me out of things. But I don't want to be shook out in a way. I do want to be excited about UBC but I don't want to lose my feelings about England or my Dad. And I know in my head that won't happen just by being happier but...

I don't know what the but is. It's there however and I just feel lost. I don't want to have to rebuild my life. It's hard and I just don't want to do it. And I don't want to feel so completely alone while I'm forced to.

The Cast

Here will be a running list of the people in my life. It will be updated as I talk about people and give them names. I may have given other people names at some point but have since forgot them or don't think they'll ever come up again. Let me know if you think there's someone I unjustly left out. I also put some people here I may not have talked about yet but will likely in the future.

Vancouver:
Titania: My flatmate. We've known each other since I was 17.
Blondie: I met her through Midge.
Midge: We met through her cousin who I was friends with in highschool.
Miranda: We met in highschool and don't spend too much time together but we'll always be friends.
Chatton: I've known her since we were little but we only became friends after I had graduated. We have a company together.
Ringlettes: Met her through Chatton. She's living in Halifax right now for Art School.
Farmer: I met him through Midge also.
Penny: Met her at the same time and place as Titania but Titania and her are much older friends.
Paris: We've known each other since we were 8 or 9. Our time together has been on and off but we've had tons of really good times and she is super fun.
Eastern: Met her through midge and she also spent much of the last year in Europe.
Stevie: A new friend who I met through Midge and is also friends with Farmer.
IceHockey: A friend of Midge. I've only met him a few times but he's fun enough.

England:
Lily: The person I become closest to while in England.
Politics Boy: I met him through Lily.
Classclown: A boy from my fun lecture who I never thought I would become friends with.
Paul: Also someone from my fun lecture.
Victoria: My first friend in England. She's from Calgary and was on exchange too.
Striped Coat: The gay boy who drinks and wants to make out with me. Met him though Scotsman.
Dakota: Met her through Scotsman also.

HK Inc:
Heavy: My major boss who is a super great person who communicates as a boss like crap.
Keavy: The other boss.
Olive: My dearest co-worker who is also a great friend.
Regina: My religious co-worker who is nonetheless very sweet.
Sandals: Another co-worker.
Delinquant: Our lab manager who gets paid way more than he should do considering how slack he is.

Family:
Mom: She lives very near to me and we are mostly close.
Dad: Amazing and always with me.
Sister: We have differnt moms and she is in her 30's but we get along swimmingly.
Nephew: My sisters 4 year old son.
Baldy: My moms boyfriend who's live with her for over 10 years.
Neice: Baldy's granddaughter who lives with him and my mom.

Boys:
The Knitter: My current (Spring 06) interest where there is actually growth and potential.
The Artist: We dated for 2.5 years. We don't see each other much but still get along. I don't regret anything about our relationship.
New Years Boy: We made out on new years one year ad I never heard from him. I then found out he told people we slept together. The next year he was at the same new years party I was at but I didn't recognize him.
CRB: Confusing Relationship boy. We met when I was 12 but we've gone long periods of time without seeing each other. We have the most amazing chemistry but I am physically repulsed by him and he is so many things I can't stand in a person. Drama galore.

Insomnia

I technically have to be awake in 2.5 hours. Instead I am awake watching odd/shitty tv. I'm feeling compltely isolated and alone. Like everyone has things going on and all I can do is long for my life as it was 4 months ago.

I'm going to turn the fan on, get the cat and try to keep my eyes closed.

Cable!

We got cable today. I spend most of my day watching it and not going to work. I love TLC and Life. I did clean the house too though. Titania has been spending most of her nights out at her non-boyfriends so I've been getting to watch TV late and wank loudly when I want to.

Tomorrow Titania and I are taking my neice clothes shopping because my mom always ends up arguing with her over what she wants/needs. I kind of want to learn to play my dad's guitar but needs someone exceptionally patient and understanding to teach me. Also many middle aged men kind of freak me out because of various growing up and present experiences so just going to any place isn't really an option. I'm hoping to have a friend recommend something.

I'm a bit scattered. I'm still feeling a bit displaced and I have a feeling that will stick around until I settle in at Uni and my job is actually finished. Not oging in this week has put me behind schedule but I need the time. I don't know exactly what I needed it for but I did need it. My text books are also getting delivered this week and I'm hoping they come on Friday because I'll be around then.

I'm going to go watch some old Law and Order. I could really use some physical comfort these days. I just don't know where or when (or if?) I'm going to find it. I don't feel centered or comfortaable or anything.