No Sleep

I'm not sure if I'm still awake because I can't sleep or if I don't want to. I really lose track of what exactly it is. My mind is kind of all over the place but I'm sure I am actually tired.

Whenever I have a "bad day", meaning I miss England and feel confused about my Dad, it takes time to recover. Like not a day but several. It's like a process within a process. I makes me feel floaty and distant. I don't go to work, I feel light and topical, like I'm only functioning on the surface becasue something big is going on underneath. Like my main power has gone so I'm running off an internal generator. or something like that. It's not even depression at this point.

One thing I've always been interested in is things of the occult. I used to read a lot about magic and witchcraft and psychics and such. I've had my cards read by many people but About three years ago I found a reader I loved. She was nice and introduced me to a deck I feel in love with. It's unusual and not like most tarot cards. When I got back I wanted a reading but her number was out of service. I also couldn't find a reader who did this set of cards. On the weekend I tracked a set down and bought them. I did a first reading for myself but need to work with them more to become more familiar with the deetails of each image.

I own another deck of cards but I don't connect with them as well. That's odd becasue they are beautiful and incorporate astrology (something I adore) but I have hard times sorting out and connecting the cards meanings. It just never comes together in a way these other cards do.

But I think more than anything my need for these cards, as well as my return to therapy, just points to the fact that I feel lost and in need of guidance. The typically reassuring words "everything will work out" aren't cutting it for me. I know it will work out. I know everything will be good. But I still feel lost and out of touch. I don't feel like I'm doing anything to help it get there.

I am so uninterestingly introspective. None of this gets me anywhere and that's kind of my point. I'm doubting everything, my home, my future, my relationships, but with no goal. I have no actual problem I'm trying to solve. The boy thing maybe but I'm currently trying the ignoring strategy as caring had no positive impact.

It's so hot in my flat I just turned the fan on. I wonder what anything I'm doing will provide me. Will getting a bike help? Is all this crafting stuff for anything? Is Midges return home going to change things? Will putting film in the camera make something better? something more real? or is all of any bit of excitement/potential and shopping just a distraction? I don't even know what they're a distraction from. I feel apathetic. paralyzed is also a word that comes to mind. Will my disolussionment from Saturday just a small scale manifestation of all of this?

Part of me does want someone to hug me and tell me thing are ok though. And I know people are hhere and willing but it doesn't help. SOmehow it's not what I really need. I wish I knew what I did need thiough. I wish I knew what this was. Is it grief, fear, restlessness, longing? all of those, none of those?

I have more musings I could do about my sexuality and my seemingly unending singleness but I really need to sleep. More at another point. I doubt I'll be going to work this week.

Obligations

I should be at work today because It is Olive's last day on Wednesday and I need her help to finish my project up. However, I am currently sitting naked in bed with a warm and wet vibrator nuzzled between my legs. Way more fun than work. I will go in but not until 11:30 or noon.

My back is also really sore. Yesterday it was more my neck but it's lowered a bit and just really hurts. I really want a massage. A massage by someone who wants it to turn into sex would be even better. I also woke up wanting to look at Dildo harnesses so I did. This is the last week I can sleep in so I'm kind of letting myself do it. If I want to wank in the mornings after this week I'll have to get up really early or become faster while in the shower.

Slow Dancing

Last night went ok. Titania and I looked awesome and were excited to be out. Yaletown breweries provided us with a bottle of wine and some food (spinach with garlic and parmesan). Then the people we went to meet headed to the royal but Titania did not want to go there so we took off the the arch.

There we ran into a darling friend of ours (Farmer) I haven't had a chance to spend much time with since I've been back. We drank more and danced. We were happy because at first a lot of what they were playing music wise was what we listen to at home. Farmer was actually in one of the Karaoke rooms becasue it was his friends birthday. It turns out we had met her at Midge's house because they all used to work together.

So Titania and I sung a bit and danced more. But then the music was getting worse. The dj's were doing wierd things like playing the chourses of really good songs and then playing crap. So I guess I got frustrated and was comparing everything to England. Then it just kind of snowballed. I cried and wanted to book a flight and just got sad. I gathered myself after a glass of water and we came home. Once home we sat and had some pie and water to sober up a bit.

So there is it. This is all really hard sometimes. One thing like not playing modest mouse straight through in favour of crap just brings everything else in. I met a bunch of people this morning for coffee and crafting talk. I felt like crap and have just been hanging out at home all this afternoon. I have to go to work for the next three days but school starts next week. Nervous but excited.

warning

ok, Titania is finishing getting ready (I'm done) but I have the music really loud and I'm dancing around crazy and running into things becasue my sobriety has passed. It's good. We're hitting yaletown breweries and then either Bar None or the Arch.

There's something about midge's return that has me retarded excited. like there's just excitement abound/ Like her knowing what it's like to be away and to find something but then to return. kindred spirits or soemthing. Even when we first met we joked about how we were the same person.

I am super fancied out tonight. I am almost ashamed that I have used 10 make-up products on my face tonight. Im wearing jeans so I'm making up for the lack of fanciness in super amazing eye make-up. I haven't wor n this much make-up in weeks. month even maybe.

The music in our flat is up very loud and I should probably eat something to make me not quite so drunk becasue I'll be the only one and the only people I know well that I'll see tonight is Titania. not much I do surprises her anymore. Ok, I'm going but I needed to kill some time. Hope everyone is having or has had (depending on your time zone) a stunning sturday night!

Returned

I'm settled in at home now. I'm not fully unpacked yet though. I've got The Golden Girls on and the cat is on my lap. I'm about to go have a bath. Tonight Titania and I are going to go out so I want my hair straightened. I bought a huge box of peaches so I need to put them in the fridge, at least the ones that I'm not giving to my neighbours.

When I was shopping the other day I bought thongs from old navy and they are super bloody comfortable. The fabric is soft and they totally fit well. The bra I bought that day too is also great. I'm considering wearing my smartballs out tonight. We'll see how I feel when I'm getting ready.

I started talking about something in my audiopost last night that I didn't really explain. I saw a friend I hadn't seen in about a year and it made me realize how few male friends I have here at this point in my life. Growing up a large majority of my friends were guys and in England it was pretty even but here my friends are almost all girls.

Anyway seeing him and being hugged kind of reminded me why I do want a boyfriend sometimes. I get hugged by my female friends a lot (ie. everytime we see each other) but having a guys arms around you, even if they will only ever be friends, is different. This also touches onto why even though I would totally have sex with a woman, I don't have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with one, or why I tend not to consider myself bi-sexual when most people ask (but that's a much more complicated thing).

Mostly it was just good to see that boy. He was someone who was around when I left and who I talked to while I was gone but who I hadn't seen yet. It was good in a way that's hard to explain; It was good to see him doing ok because his winter wasn't great and it was a connection to a part of the life I left last year and won't get back in the same way. And I had really good dessert at the restaurant we ate at.

But now my body wants me to end this and have a shower and wank. Not thinking about the boy though - he's forever off limits. I'm not quite sure what will be the subject of my thoughts yet.

Away from home

Green with...

I'm just finishing getting ready to leave. I have to pick up a few things on my way and my hair still needs to be straightened. Otherwise I'm done.

Midges personal blog (no link cause it's not anonymous) had an interesting post today. Some stuff about the moving back and forth things and some about boys. Both parts meant stuff for me part is looked about with full and complete understanding (the moving stuff) and the other part with a complete lack of understanding (boys).

I'm not feeling like hashing through either of these things because I think I've done it enough and I have nothing new. I want to be in England and I have an inability to relate on romantic levels to people. No changes and no developments. And when something about these things works for someone it makes me feel immature and lost.

Just thinking about school I just want to be only a 20 minute walk away and I want 5-9 scociable drinks. I want H&M and M&S. I want the Agora and the short loan section and the lake. And the CD library and Broadway cinema. All this overweighs any sadness for my lack of boys when everyone around me has it at least kind of going.

But I am going to straighten my hair and put some make-up on. Then I am going to go walk up commercial and head out to coquitlam to meet Blondie. In 18 months I will be back in England. Until then I will enjoy the parts of Vancouver I love and finally get my degree so I can keep going forward.

Shopping

I left work early to meet with Chatton but she had to cancel. Then Titania got off work several hours early so we decided to go downtown for some shopping. I did well, as always - see pics of what I could find online below.

Tomorrow Chatton is coming over and I have to finish packing and burn some CD's for the road. The packing part is really simple though and it's just a matter of selecting and folding. I pretty much know what I'm taking anyways. I also want to straighten my hair in the morning and put some fresh toe-nail polish on.

I want to sleep a bit early but I'm not really that tired. I would like to wank my way to a restful sleep but Titania is out and should be coming home any time. It's one thing to do it while she's sleeping in the other room, but another thing entirely when she's walking around that flat and I am.

Today we went into our local sex toy shop (also one of the best ones ever!) to see how much the menstrual cups are because Titania wants one. But we ended up looking at vibes and the sales people kept giving us information that I already knew. Amusing but somehow weird. Maybe I'll wear my smartballs for the drive tomorrow. I'm not sure if that will end up being an idea I regret. Also, I keep thinking about being pierced at some point while I'm away. Nutty but true. I'm feeling a bit impulsive right now. hmm.

Anyways, I'm off and here are the pics. (The bra set is actually purple with green details)

homesick

I never want to go to work again. I'll be there tomorrow and then on Wednesday I'll be going to Kelowna with Blondie and then I'll have to go into my office about 4 or 5 more times over the next few weeks but I'm really just putting in about 15 hours a week. I just want to be at home and relaxing and making stuff and getting myself ready for school. I need some note books for lectures and a new pencil case. Although I could use my London underground one I'm not sure if I want it getting that much wear.

Chatton came to my office around 2:30 and I left early. We did a tiny bit of shopping for her niece's birthday and then had lunch and I bought flowers. I told her I was homesick. She said that was funny but she said she was homesick for Amsterdam. She has family there and spent a bunch of her time there. It's good to feel understood sometimes.

I kind of feel too introspective for my own good and like nothing is coming of it. I am glad to be out of here for a few days and I am glad school is starting soon. I just think the newness will be good and keep me positive. Not that I'm feeling negative, I'm just feeling flat. good, but flat. Like things are just there and are going to stay that way. Not bad but static. Static is a good word for it. But I want to be dynamic and also to have my life be that way. But I have to do it. I have to take those steps. I know.

Further rambling

This is all about how I feel about England and Vancouver and changes and adjusting.