Pressure

Yesterday I had two phone conversations with Filmmaker. The one in the morning was an hour and a half long. The one at night was the same.

There's been some mean things said that were very honest things on both our parts. And some nice honest things too. But I'm still on the side of wanting it to end. And he's still on the side of wanting to keep trying. In the morning he asked me to come to a decision today. In the night I told him that if he was committed to not pressuring me he would have to accept not hearing from me today.

He knows that he made some mistakes, and not because he is a bad person but he was caught in the idea of something. Who I could be, where we could go. But I didn't see any of that. I just saw pressure and felt like I was behind and never going to catch up.

So I don't know where this is going. I am worried he won't be true to what he is saying he needs to change. I am worried that he will be and I won't feel any different. I am worried that I will regret making this decision, whatever it ends up being. But today I am going to rest and eat cookies and watch tv. Tomorrow I am going to craft. And next week I have to work a 40 hour week no matter how awful I feel about it. And I will do the same for the whole of April.

Now the moving stuff is in my head but there's so many facotrs there too that I'm not sure what to do about it.