struggle

I feel tired and alone and overwhelmed today. I haven't been taking my antibiotics as I should be so that's affecting how I feel I think. I'm not going into work, but I did do some work I had here. And I will go tomorrow. Today I have to do dishes, buy my cat litter, take out the garbage and put my clean clothes away. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like a lot.

On Monday, Filmmaker asked me to reconsider. He also said he felt sorry for me because I didn't know what I wanted. That felt pretty fucking bad. He made me talk and I was crying and it sucked. He was confused about how hard it was seeming, but that I was so firm to sticking with it. And I tried to explain more. And he repeated that he really felt like we had a future together and that he'd wait. He felt like I was giving up and just "disposing" of him. He pointed out that I would have a really hard time finding someone so willing to be patient and care for me. I have a lot of worry about that too. But I also that this would be more difficult in 6 months. And that there is something missing for me. It's still hard.

And I'm stressed about money again. (still really). I had got my bills up todate, but now they are all behind again. And I don't have any extra once I pay my rent. I'm hoping April will help becasue I'll be working full time the whole month, but as soon as I go back to school in May I'm stuck again. That's not even considering how I'm going to pay for school and supplies to begin with.

So I'm frustrated too. And I want help and comfort but I told the person who had been trying to give me that to leave. This sucks.