Explaining myself

I'm at home now and predictably crying. I'm going to see him tomorrow just to exchange some stuff.

So last night I was crafting all day. I knew he had been having a bad week. I knew we were meant to go for dinner and a movie tonight. We had more seriousness last weekend that revolved around me being unconfortable with him liking me more, and me being concerned that my feelings were in the same place as the month before.

(Already removed from all possible internet areas. This process sucks)

This morning I called him for the plan and I knew he was in a bad mood and I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to hear it at all. But I did because I was trying. We decided I would call him when I got home from a craft supply buying trip with a girl from my craft group. But I felt not good. I didn't really want to go out. I felt achy and sick (I've had a sinus infection and been off work for over a week now). But not enough to not go craft buying.

Then I was buying supplies and the girl I was with (bees we'll call her) thought we were going to actually craft afterwards. I said I didn't know that was the plan, but I didn't say that I couldn't. Becasue I wanted to. more than I wanted to see filmmaker. For his birthday. It all just compounded. We stopped in the store where another girl from our craft group worked and bees asked me if I was actually up to crafting that evening and I basically said "It's filmmakers birthday but I think I need to break-up with him because I'd rather craft than spend the night with him". And it came out easily. With sadness but not regret, or guilt.

And I'm alone now. again. I know that's ok but I'm worried it's all I'll ever be.

And it was his birthday. And it was mean of me. and he was wonderful to me and he couldn't have been better. But I wasn't in love, or falling towards it. But I did like him. It's no one fault. But I was told by him that it was reasonable if I just couldn't actually feel anything for anyone but myself. I'm selfish.

Maybe selfish that I couldn't hide it for a night and do it tomorrow. But I wouldn't have got through the night. And I've had that before and when I realized the person had knew the whole day before I felt worse. I couldn't inflict that on him.

I am going to talk to Lily more because no one else is answering their phone. I am not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I don't want to discuss. And that's not because I don't care but because I don't see how it can make things better. or easier. I am also going to go watch the season finale of project catwalk. And I am going to keep myself as busy as possible this week. And maybe cry in the art gallery. And try not to spend any money out of sadness.

how do we blance doing the best for ourselves with being in a relationship? Is it me, or just that he isn't right for me? Do I do this to friends when they are having a hard time? Do I just abandon them because I can't handle it? I think I don't but who knows. I don't want to be blamed, I don't need to blame anyone. But maybe that's becasue it's my choice and it makes sense to me.

must go. I've explained and this isn't helping anymore.