Innocent Flirting

Classclown is fun. We walked back from the campus bar together as he had to get back to the girl he does not want to be his girlfriend. Lots of banter and laughing and such overt flirtatiousness on both our parts it's amusing. But it's not a crush anymore which is good. I feel good with the firting and just leaving it at that. Knowing that all he wants is casual sex helps that but whatever.

I also talked to Politics boy as I saw him in the hallway and that was great. I haven't seen him as more than passing in halls in a while so it was good to chat. I like him. I want to go out now though and Lily is working for the election today so she's not around. However, as usual I have no money so it's not a big deal.

So that leaves me energetic and at home with no plans. I probably shouldn't have had a double. I did see the boy from my inspiring lecture there though. Just a quick hello at the bar. I hope I won't be starting from scratch when I get home with all this boy-relaxness.

Time to make something to eat and take my pants and bra off. What a life I lead.

Emotions

From my second conversation with Stripedcoat yesterday I read all the archives on the slash threads at the BUST archives. It tended to be focused on Harry Potter (which I have never been interested in) and CSI (which I love!) but none of it really got me interested enough to read any actual slash. I've seen other types of slash on the sites where I read lots of non-slash sex writing but never really got interested in it.

I think one of the things that bothers me about it is that it is said to be started by het women for other het women. I guess I understand why that would be a positive but it kind of bothers me because it assumes that het women must all kind of be into the same thing. Now I know that's not the intention but when it's said in the way that's how I feel and that irritates me. It's like porn for women that is way more focused on plot and has tender and romantic sex. I see how that might be more ok for women who might now be super comfortable with porn but it's not great for all women.

I mean I honestly don't read erotica (a word I tend to dislike) for the plot or tension in between characters. I mean it has to be well written but I want sex. If I wanted a good plot I'd go read a novel. Oh, but one thing I hate is when sexual myths are re-inforced in porn of any sort. It really makes me not want to keep reading. And crying because a climax was so good doesn't work for me. Stories classified as "Romance" do not do it either.

I need it to be smart but I need it to get me off. I'm a very practical girl in some ways. Ok, I was talking about slash. Maybe when I have my month to piss around and do whatever I want in June I will read a CSI one and see what it is first hand because I'm not one to criticize it without knowing. And I'm not criticizing it as a genre, I just don't like assumptions. Also, I should note that what I like in porn doesn't always match what I likfe in my life. (If I had a sexlife where I wasn't the only one participating that is.)

On a not too related note, yesterday when Lily and I were out shopping and I told her about Stripedcoat she ws trying to figure why he always went for me. She was listing the women in our little circle of friends and when she said "Dakota" she said she was a lesbian and they were best friends so it wouldn't happen. I kind of agreed because it wasn't my place to say anything, but that wasn't in line with my conversations with Dakota on Saturday. She said to me clearly she was bi. That means she could lend to women but I didn't ask because it really didn't matter as we were just clarifying to eachother and were really drunk. She also said she had made out with Stripedcoat before. I now remember that we were holding hands for much of the night.

I'm feeling weird about going out tonight. Excited but like this is a time where I might not see people again and I may not have made many close friends in that lecture I had lots of fun and felt really comfortable. I mean the fact that I could walk into that lecture late is amazing to me. I'm going to take my camera out because I'm that kind of person. I hope it ends up being good and fun. I'm not really expecting otherwise though.

Wanting to talk

I told Lily and scotsman about Stripedcoat kissing me. They both think it's weird and Lily thought that I should talk to him about it. I did. On MSN, which was probably not great as sentiment is really hard to read there. After some small talk about our evenings and films here's what happened:

me: um, can I ask something about the other night?
him: you can but i don't promise i'll be able to remember the answer
me: no worries. I guess I'm just a little confused about it in general and wondering if that's going to occur everytime we are drunk and out? (if we were talking my tone of voice would be really neutral and not negative in any way)
me: I was thinking of not saying anything but I've been thinking about it.
him: sorry about that - and no, it won't happen every time we're out, and i'd much rather you did say something about it than it bother you and you say nothing
me: I guess it doesn't really bother me. I just think a lot and wonder.
me: honestly, half of me doesn't care if it happens everytime we're out
him: some people are just easy to flirt with and i tend to be inappropriate when drunk.
me: ok. I tend to be inappropriate when comfortable so I guess it makes for quite the pairing
him: (happy face)
me: I think I'm more relaxed now. Thank you.
him: quite alright and again sorry if it bothered you
me: no it really didn't. I mean I would have pulled away much more if it did. I also think it's been a bit good for me in certain ways. so ya, don't hold back in the future with me. You'll know if I'm unconfortable because I'll tell you.
him: glad to hear it

At first I felt much better about it until I started feeling worse and worse until I felt nauseous and rejected. Totally foolish but it's like now all potential of getting to make out with a boy seems to have vanished. Plus I really was partly thinking that just making out with him for fun on occasion might be good for me and well it's not going to happen now. I guess it sucks feeling like the only interest was because he was drunk.

But then I must remember that I haven't been rejected and that he is gay so I was fully aware there was no real interest anyways. I really just liked feeling wanted. I want to talk to him more but it's silly and would be all about me sorting out my own shit that has nothing really to do with him.

Ok, he just signed off msn and we talked a bit about normal stuff (tv, films and slash) and I feel better now. I guess I'm just going to have to be happy with the fact that I've made a really intense, if confusing, connection with someone and take it as things come. Plus he's told me I'm easy to flirt with and that I am hot and I should use those two things to find another guy who is a bit more available than him.

Other news is really good results on a paper I handed in before break, my dad having potentially serious health problems and tomorrow night. Tomorrow after our fun lecture everyone who wants to is going to the campus bar (hot bartender who I remember now might be there) to drink and eat pizza and stuff. Should be fun if a bit sad. Lily and I were talking today about how in two months I wouldn't be here and that sucks.

I also tried on a super cute bra at M&S this afternoon but decided that if I was going to spend that much on a bra I would go through their fitting process and take my time. I will likely do that sometime after my first exam on Friday the 13th (it's my most difficult exam too) because I will need a big reward for the work I did in that lecture these past two terms.

Frank honesty: When we were talking about tv I wanted Stripedcoat to ask me over to watch with him. I knew it wouldn't happen but I was hoping. At least my mind is fully off classclown at the moment.

Middle of the night

This is the second time in a row that I have woken at 2 something am from a frustrating dream, only to be very awake, have a racing heart and need to pee a lot. I've got the dream symbolism now though. In this one I was frantically trying to do something that was simple but long. I havd several little boxes of ojects and I was trying to get them from somwhere to my flat. Along the way something always went wrong and I was constantly faced with obstacles. BUt I persisted and I was getting indreasingly worn out.

It's all so reflective of how I feel about the boy stuff right now. But this waking up like this in the middle of the night is not good for me and I am not as frustrated as I have been about things. I mean I'm frustrated but also excited to see where things go from here.

I can't stop thinking of Stripedcoat and since Sunday I am one short of 10 orgasms. That isn't tons but that's a significant number for me. Especially since I'm likely going to hit 10 before I fall back asleep. The difference with thinking about him though is that I don't get caught on in conversations with him in my head.

In my head we're on the couch watching a film, just comfortable, but close, soon I ask him to show me his favorite porn and he is cool with it. About this point I realize we'd be in his room rather than a living room because that's where his tele is. After a bunch of the porn, we're sitting closer but nothing's going on. I can see his hardening cock pressing against his jeans though and my breathing is heavy and foscused. I can feel my pussy throbbing and my nipples are demanding attention that I am having porblems not giving to them.

ok, I'm starting to get tired again and I am going to use the rest of that little scene to hit number 10. See, you tell me I'm pretty and that you want to kiss me and this is how I react. Easy body but complicated mind. Rewarding though I hope.

Illnesses

Well I slept like crap yesterday. After falling alseep I work up suddenly at 2 am from a dream obsessed with a scarf I have plans to make and full of thoughts of sleeping with classclown and stripedcoat. I was oddly awake and felt so sick. I fell back asleep after about half an hour but getting up this morning was not fun. All morning I went back and forth between feeling hungry and feeling like food would make me throw up. I came home and ate though and I feel ok now so hopefully that will stick.

I will not recount my crafty stress here, but I will talk about the boy stuff. It's like classclown and stripedcoat are opposites. Personality how they behave with me, sexual orientation. Another thing is that while I don't feel it's in my emotional interest to do anything with Stripedcoat I want to. I think I just want the attention. I mean it was good on Saturday. I knew what he was thinking because he was telling me and I stayed right beside him on the couch and didn't discourage at all. It wasn't until he kissed me that I held back and didn;t let it continue. But I didn't move. I didn't feel uncomfortable that he was staring at me and was rubbing my thigh, I was quite content.

I've also been thinking about the fact that he's gay and hoping that'll help get the sex thoughts off my mind but I think it makes it worse. I mean he's a boy and I do really like them and their associated parts. But on top of it I can add to that all my idealist fantasies of him doing (or being done by) another guy and allowing me to watch. And ya, that makes me all warm and something much more grown up and sexy than "fuzzy".

I don't really know what I'm thinking about classclown. He wasn't in the lecture this morning and when I don't see him for a few days I mellow about it. Either way I think both guys are not ones I should be considering making out with or beyond. I know stripedcoat wouldn't sleep with me. He did blatantly imply he would go down on me which I would happily settle for but I just don't think the circumstances are good. Classclown is a mystery and I'm sure he doesn't think of me nearly as much as I think of him.

ok, I'm still not feeling sick which makes me happy. I have stripedcoat on my msn now and I want to talk to him but only so I can further my delusional fantasies and I don't think that's a nice thing to do when I wouldn't follow through in reality. plus I have no real other things to talk to him about.

on another note, well a similar one, I keep seeing the boy I didn't recognize from the first bar the other night and we say hello and stuff. I knew he was hot when I first met him but he's really hot but not as tall as I thought. Suitably tall though. I have a seminar with him tomorrow morning. It's not like anything exciting will happen I'm just being silly and noticing shit that means nothing.

Edited 20 minutes later: Sometimes I write and I think I'm done but then I realize I'm not. I want love today. Well I always want it but today I want to curl up and be warm and cared for. Maybe it's because I've ben feeling sick or that my sexual mind has been slightly in overdrive. I should be reading so I can write my paper but I am not doing so. I would like to finish off a craft project but if I start I won't be able to stop and I'll never start working. Technically I have like 10 hours left in my day and it's not like I need all of them to write my paper so I can rest now and feel cuddly despite being alone. I also have tomorrow to work on the paper.

Ok I think that's really all I have now. I want to talk to Stripedcoat but feel I shouldn't. I guess it's just that I don't have tons to say. Maybe we're just drunk and horny friends. well I doubt that but whatever. I'm conflicted and want to talk but I really just want to feel wanted and flattered. That is not a good reason to start a conversation.

Sick and bored

I have no reason to be bored because I have work to do. I even put the books I should be using do to work for my fun lecture on the desk beside me. Instead I ate and feel more sick than I did earlier and read Scarlet. I want to ship it off to a friend next week so it must be read. Lots of fun stuff discovered in it.

But the big thing is I feel sick. I feel like when I was once given a painkiller and it fucked with my stomach and even after I had stopped taking it I couldn't eat without feeling awful. I had a crap thought that it has to do with the amount of drinking in the last few days but I think it's more about the crap food I've been eating. I had a good salad for dinner though and am going to do a tofu stir fry tomorrow night so hopefully I'm feeling better by then. But for now lots of water and putting off work.

I just got another meme thing from Paul and I don't think I'm going to do it this time. It's like a reverse survey where you send an empty one out and then people fill out the answer which are all about what they think of you. I don't feel like I know him enough to answer some of them and don't think enough of him in some ways to answer them honestly without feeling too honest. Plus under the section about whether you would kiss/date the person it says "(opposite sex only)" which is think is crap and close minded. I'm more likely to want to kiss some of the girls I'd sen it to than the guys.

One of the ads in Scarlet was for a funny product but on the site which sells sex toys and accessories they have spelled masturbation wrong which I think is pretty fucking funny. There's also a promo code for 6 free rentals with an online rental service which is cool in itself, but sucks becasue I can't watch region 2 DVD's on my laptop. If anyone wants to know it email me and I'll pass it on. UK residents only.

That's the end of me for today. Tomorrow and Wednesday I only have tow hours of lectures each day but I have lots of work to do. I'll be around but I should be working. not procrastinating.

Progress?

I rushed to Sainsbury's thinking it would be open only until 4:00 becasue it's a bank holiday but it was open until 7:00. I bought a bunch of healthy food though which is very good considering I pretty much lived on chips (fries, not crisps), veggie dogs and scones last week. My body is not too happy with me.

While at Sainsbury's I ran into young downstairs boy and we talked for a minute but then went on our ways. Then as I was walking back he called to me as he was behind me and we talked the rest of the way to our flats. I did say that we hadn't seen each other for a while and he agreed, but there wasn't any senitment, either negative or positive, behind it that I could tell, but in my head by saing that it expresses that I would like to see them more. Even if it doesn't it was nice to talk to him if only for a few minutes.

It's weird that It's almost 8:00 but still really light out. It makes me not want to sleep, make dinner or do homework. I have to do all three though. Dinner is just a salad though so that's not a big deal. Or shouldn't be at least. I think I need to borrow some DVD's from people here who have region one stuff, like scotsman and dakota. Not like I need more things to keep me from schoolwork but I want to watch films. Over break I was downloading tv which was nice but it's too slow when it's not during break to make it worth it.

Comments

I don't get all that many comments (I'm sure my freak over them before contributes to that) but when I do I adore them. I fully agree that I am crazy. Sometimes I like it and sometimes it's frustrating. RIght now some of it is frustrating.

I am just getting up now which is not cool because I have homework to do. I also have to go buy groceries because I think my body is getting angry at me for the lack of tofu and broccoli which are huge staples for me. Tonight will be a very healthy meal for sure.

I'm also as aroused as hell. Yesterday's orgasm count is four. And that's in like the last 6 hours of the evening. Somehow, not surprisingly though, I am getting back into gay male porn which is fun. I've been into a lot of het focused stuff recently so it's nice for the change. Last time I was into gay male stuff I was wanking a lot. All I need now is something that reflects mutual wanking of a straight girl and a gay man and I will be set for what is currently in my head. I may not want to actually do anything with Stripedcoat but the ideas of it are making me hot.

oh, and I tried to pay for porn again and my credit card won't work depsite plenty of space on it. It also doesn't appear that I can use my british card but I might try it. I've been wanting a lot more visual stuff recently and anything good that doesn't offend my morals tends to be paid or very limited in quantity.

I am going to go wank, shower, and get out of the flat. I'll be around later.

Later in the day

I'm going to keep this short because it's something I need to say but don't have the time/energy/sense to write details.

I think that one of the things I've been struggling with in respect to boys is not having enough confidence that people want to talk to me when they don't know me already or heard good things about me from someone who does. However I've got that confidence now. This is a great thing that I am realy proud of and happy about. The repetitve flirtiness and conversations of the lst few nights has really secured that to me.

However, in all this reflecting about last night I realized what my hesitation is. What if I'm awful sexually? Yes, yes, silly. I mean I know my body really well, I'm open, receptive, and stuff. But what if it's not all like riding a bike? What if I'm fumbly and awkward? I know what works for me, but how much does that count for? And when I am out and dancing I am very aware of my sexuality and I know from being told that others are as well. So what if someone expects something that I can't deliver?

I never thought it was possible to have so many hang-ups about so many things. There's my struggle today and it makes me want to have casual sex just to get it over with because I'm started to get frustrated. And if I don't ever intend to see the person again who cares if I suck (or not as the case may be)? But then the idea of sleeping with someone I have no intention of seeing again just seems so off. I know the longer this goes on the bigger it's going to feel and I don't want it to feel any more intimidating than it does.

Ok, one last thought. I think I just want to date someone and slowly get more physical with them. LIke I'm not saying six months slowly, but a few weeks slowly maybe. I know I'm not likely at all to find that in bars and I'm not going to find it in Stripedcoat so I have to figure something else out. I want something to happen before I go home. I don't mean to put pressure on myself but ya.

Cold Shower

Things that are true about last night but could lead to wrong ideas about my night:

1. Stripedcoat and I kissed.
2. I slept with Dakota
3. I felt a random guys cock.

I got home this morning about an hour ago after walking home from Dakota's where I stayed last night. I was hot and sweaty from walking and the muggy weather and I slept in my shirt and dancing was crazy so I wass all hot then too. I felt really kind of gross and was very glad I didn't run into classclown outside our flats. I just stripped when I got in my room and went and had a shower. It wasn't entirely cold but just barely warm - luke warm maybe. I feel better now though.

So last night we started with dinner at Wagamamas which was great as always. I was looking very cute in a yellow shirt with an abstract purple design on it, purple crochet armwarmers and scarf, jeans and bably blue mary janes and purse. My hair was tied up in to pigtails, but insteada of being horizontal they were vertical (one of my fave ways to have my hair) and shimery purple eye makeup.

At dinner I found out that lily and scotsman weren't going out after the film. I also found out that Dakota and Stripedcoat weren't going to the film but out instead. After making sure it was all cool, I ended up not seeing the film and going out instead. Dakota and I left the restaurant before everyone else and walked down to the square in the city center and sat on a bench and people watched and chatted for a bit. Soon cheapdrunk and her boyfriend met us as did Stripedcoat and his friend who was visiting from Manchester.

After some discussion we went to the bar we go to a lot but after not finding seats after two rounds I declared I was unhappy getting drunk somewhere where sitting or dancing was not an option so we moved on. The next stop was a vodka bar where I flirted with a guy ahead of us in the queue. Dakota and I shared a pitcher of Blue Lagoon (Vodka, blue curacoa, lemon juice and lemonade (sprite for all the north americans). While waiting for the pitcher and then while drinking it stuff was going down with Stripedcoat and I.

It started with talk of porn preferences and evolvment of them. The turned to him touching me, like lightly rubbing my arm or my back as we talked. I felt really good last night in general. Like I was totally happy with how I looked and felt really comfortable and confident that I was hot. It was good. Anyway, we sat down on the couches we had miraculously found empty when we first got there. there was laughing and drinking and more touching. It was full of things that were potentially inappropriate but niether of us was bothered.

We were talking seriously though to an extent about me being really sexy in a way he knew I knew but didn't trust, which is very true. He was staring very liberally at my tits which, considering the very low cut neck on my shirt, were on full and I'll admit purposeful display. He went on a bit about how he thought gay men were really good at going down on both genders but his justification of the statement was not something I understood or remembered. He brought up kissing me again and I half tried to explain but couldn't really as it was a loud and crowded bar and I was kind of drunk by now. We did end up kissing a few times but nothing major or obvious. He left really early (11:00?) because it friend was super smashed and was nearly falling asleep.

I'm not sure what I think about the kissing thing. My ego was massivly stroked by it, but I'm not into just kissing for the sake of it. I did talk a bit in an even drunker state to Dakota who is of the opinion it's just fun and has herself made out with him before. I'm trying not to worry or make a fuss about it. I did think while I was having my shower that maybe despite how temporary my life is, I really just want to be involved with someone that I have the potential to maybe fall in love with. I don't think I really like feeling that way and I'm not sure if it's entirely true but there it is. I did tell stripedcoat that my hesitations to kissing him were not because of him, but that I'd be that way with anyone but I don't know if he understood that. He left on good terms though (with another kiss even) and I highly doubt if our next meeting will be awkward in any way.

Dakota and I stayed at that bar until Cheapdrunk and her boyfriend left and until it closed. We weren't sure where to go next. There is a major indie night on Saturdays but the last few weeks she had been there it wasn't very good. We ended up queuing and firting with boys some more for another bar but when we were told cover was 6.00 we left. We ended up at the bar we were at on Thursday and paid 5.00 to get in but it was great. Funk stuff upstairs and indie downstairs. Crowded and fun.

We drank more, danced tons, had a very drunk discussion to sort out our sexual orientations with each other (she's bi) and flirted more with guys. The dance floor was packed. We kept getting our asses grabbed but were throughly enjoying the random touching. It was hardly avoidable it was so busy. She apologized at one point for hitting my tits as we danced but I said I hadn't noticed so she did it more obviously to show me. Then I told her I was used to having my breasts groped openly by friends so it was ok. She laughed and said something that lead to me gabbing her tits and her doing it back. guy noticed and started flirting madly with her. It was so funny. At one point a guy was behind me and I don't know if it was purposeful or just due to the lack of space, but his hard cock was being grinded against my ass. I couldn't tell you what the guy looked like and it was only for a minute or so but after I was done being shocked I was very giggley about it.

We left there just beofre closing and hit a place for chips and walked back to Dakotas. She asked if I wanted to stay cause her's is closer to town and taking a taxi on my own would have been expensive. I'll admit to having some fleeting thoughts of a bit of girl-girl making out but nothing happened. We were close in her single bed, but very innocent.

So that was the night. It was really good and I feel really good about myself today. I don't feel very alert or energetic, but my mind and emotional-self is doing very well.