Illnesses

Well I slept like crap yesterday. After falling alseep I work up suddenly at 2 am from a dream obsessed with a scarf I have plans to make and full of thoughts of sleeping with classclown and stripedcoat. I was oddly awake and felt so sick. I fell back asleep after about half an hour but getting up this morning was not fun. All morning I went back and forth between feeling hungry and feeling like food would make me throw up. I came home and ate though and I feel ok now so hopefully that will stick.

I will not recount my crafty stress here, but I will talk about the boy stuff. It's like classclown and stripedcoat are opposites. Personality how they behave with me, sexual orientation. Another thing is that while I don't feel it's in my emotional interest to do anything with Stripedcoat I want to. I think I just want the attention. I mean it was good on Saturday. I knew what he was thinking because he was telling me and I stayed right beside him on the couch and didn't discourage at all. It wasn't until he kissed me that I held back and didn;t let it continue. But I didn't move. I didn't feel uncomfortable that he was staring at me and was rubbing my thigh, I was quite content.

I've also been thinking about the fact that he's gay and hoping that'll help get the sex thoughts off my mind but I think it makes it worse. I mean he's a boy and I do really like them and their associated parts. But on top of it I can add to that all my idealist fantasies of him doing (or being done by) another guy and allowing me to watch. And ya, that makes me all warm and something much more grown up and sexy than "fuzzy".

I don't really know what I'm thinking about classclown. He wasn't in the lecture this morning and when I don't see him for a few days I mellow about it. Either way I think both guys are not ones I should be considering making out with or beyond. I know stripedcoat wouldn't sleep with me. He did blatantly imply he would go down on me which I would happily settle for but I just don't think the circumstances are good. Classclown is a mystery and I'm sure he doesn't think of me nearly as much as I think of him.

ok, I'm still not feeling sick which makes me happy. I have stripedcoat on my msn now and I want to talk to him but only so I can further my delusional fantasies and I don't think that's a nice thing to do when I wouldn't follow through in reality. plus I have no real other things to talk to him about.

on another note, well a similar one, I keep seeing the boy I didn't recognize from the first bar the other night and we say hello and stuff. I knew he was hot when I first met him but he's really hot but not as tall as I thought. Suitably tall though. I have a seminar with him tomorrow morning. It's not like anything exciting will happen I'm just being silly and noticing shit that means nothing.

Edited 20 minutes later: Sometimes I write and I think I'm done but then I realize I'm not. I want love today. Well I always want it but today I want to curl up and be warm and cared for. Maybe it's because I've ben feeling sick or that my sexual mind has been slightly in overdrive. I should be reading so I can write my paper but I am not doing so. I would like to finish off a craft project but if I start I won't be able to stop and I'll never start working. Technically I have like 10 hours left in my day and it's not like I need all of them to write my paper so I can rest now and feel cuddly despite being alone. I also have tomorrow to work on the paper.

Ok I think that's really all I have now. I want to talk to Stripedcoat but feel I shouldn't. I guess it's just that I don't have tons to say. Maybe we're just drunk and horny friends. well I doubt that but whatever. I'm conflicted and want to talk but I really just want to feel wanted and flattered. That is not a good reason to start a conversation.