Later in the day

I'm going to keep this short because it's something I need to say but don't have the time/energy/sense to write details.

I think that one of the things I've been struggling with in respect to boys is not having enough confidence that people want to talk to me when they don't know me already or heard good things about me from someone who does. However I've got that confidence now. This is a great thing that I am realy proud of and happy about. The repetitve flirtiness and conversations of the lst few nights has really secured that to me.

However, in all this reflecting about last night I realized what my hesitation is. What if I'm awful sexually? Yes, yes, silly. I mean I know my body really well, I'm open, receptive, and stuff. But what if it's not all like riding a bike? What if I'm fumbly and awkward? I know what works for me, but how much does that count for? And when I am out and dancing I am very aware of my sexuality and I know from being told that others are as well. So what if someone expects something that I can't deliver?

I never thought it was possible to have so many hang-ups about so many things. There's my struggle today and it makes me want to have casual sex just to get it over with because I'm started to get frustrated. And if I don't ever intend to see the person again who cares if I suck (or not as the case may be)? But then the idea of sleeping with someone I have no intention of seeing again just seems so off. I know the longer this goes on the bigger it's going to feel and I don't want it to feel any more intimidating than it does.

Ok, one last thought. I think I just want to date someone and slowly get more physical with them. LIke I'm not saying six months slowly, but a few weeks slowly maybe. I know I'm not likely at all to find that in bars and I'm not going to find it in Stripedcoat so I have to figure something else out. I want something to happen before I go home. I don't mean to put pressure on myself but ya.