I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

1. Only 7 lectures left.

2. Christmas crafting is at full speed.

3. I am actually working on papers.

4. My dreams are vivid and crazy.

5. I am so excited for my trip.

6. The X-mas party planning and decorating is officially underway.

7. I really want mince pies.

Sources

Another weekend is more than half over. I spent another evening in making christmas gifts instead of out at Blondie's housewarming. I just don't feel like being out and meeting people and not being able to drink. I don't feel like I have anything to offer right now. The only things that get me excited are crafts and my trip. Unless you're Lily or into crafts this makes me a boring person to be around.

But I feel ok with myself. I start regular councelling with UBC on Thursday and have my next check in with my doctor in about a month. I haven't been to a group session in two weeks and can't go again this week but I feel like I should go. I should have gone this week and not let my laziness get the best of me. I also didn't go running at all this week but will go tomorrow for sure.

The foggy dreams are continuing. Also, I have brief moments where sex and boys seem interesting but they pass as soon as I can even consider doing anything about them. In a way that makes me feel less normal, less interesting and less functional. I don't know if any of that makes any sense to anyone other than myself.

A final note is that I still have to call Heavy of HK inc. He emailed me to call him two weeks ago but I've been putting it off becasue I just don't know how to explain that I simply called follow through with the agreement we made. I don't feel like I have the right to do that.

oh, and Lily's family is really excited to have me there and it makes me feel loved so much.

Making Lists

I am doing fairly well. I had a good doctors appointment on Thursday evening after a good and often amusing seminar after a good and accomodating talk with my instructor. Today cramps had me feeling like a gros swollen and bloated mess so I stayed home from school and group counciling. I did however do some cleaning, some trip planing, some christmas gift crafting and even some school work. I am quite happy with myself

I have a bunch of supplies to buy tomorrow before heading to school to do a bunch of research before my night lecture. Friday I have some things to do for a craft fair Chatton and I are doing on Saturday. Sunday is a home work and craft day. I'll do like 1.5 hours of each and then switch or something.

So it's good. I am super exciited about my trip and feeling moderately motivated about school which is a huge improvement from even last week. I feel a bit discouraged that I've completely dismissed hanging out with IceHockey but he's been very busy and I just don't feel like it would be fair for the other person to be around me when my mood is so up and down.

Titania and I really have to start seriously planning our Christmas party or there's going to be no time for it. Also, I am having tons of dreams at night but not really remembering them. Their subjects vary widely though and are pretty disconnected from things. I forget them so soon after waking I don't even have a chance to process them so I can write them out.

weebles wobble

I was feeling good this morning. Got up with lots of time to get ready to leave for lit. My mom called wanting me to buy coldplay tickets for her because she can't during work. She also talked to me about the trip and said ok. I didn't say I already had bought my hairfar but that it was reserved and I'd go do it today.

But then, after lit, I went to see an advisor and he made me cry. He was telling me different things than the last guy and treated me like I was wasting my time. It sucked.

Now I've got to do some art stuff before meeting Titania and heading out to Merotown for a bit. I'm not sure why she wants to go but she wants me to come. Christmas present shopping and creating is well underway.

I need a weeble to symbolically remind me that I wobble but I don't fall down - for too long at least.

Flight

I bought my airfare. The official dates are December 27th to January 8th. I feel very happy about it. I'm going to just spend time relaxing and visting a few people, mostly Lily though. I'll spend my last day in London visting museums and feeling inspired. Just four days in Nottingham. The rest is with Lily's family.

I feel good. I'll feel like I'll get some closure with that country so I can kind of move forward without feeling like I missed something at that time. I also think it'll be a nice change of scene. I feel really good about my decision. I'm already thinking which of my 10 or so eyeshadows, or which clothes I'm going to pack. I also kind of hope I'll be off my sleeping pills so I can drink but it's unlikely.

I may have to just drink with extreme caution. At least I'll be less likely to drink and get irritated by retarded dj's and slutty girls. I can't wait for socialble hour either. Well I can but I'm excited for it.

I feel good. I feel like there's something to look forward to that's in the near future. .

Films

I had a decent day.
1. Today I went to the art gallery and decided I don't really like Picasso paintings.
2. I bought hand dyed and spun woll but I'm not sure if it'll make a decent size scarf.
3. I told my mom I'd be dropping two classes and she was unsympathetic and cold.

I had my iPod with me and three songs were perfect. The song links to the lyrics and the artist links to their site. You might need to scroll down for some of the lyrics.
1. Cat Power - Good Woman
2. Maria Taylor - Two of those too
3. Great Lake Swimmers - Moving Pictures (Silent Films)

I put a flight on hold. $850.00 including taxes. It can only be held until Saturday but my mom won't talk to me about it until Monday as she's going out of town.
1. Do I wait to talk to my mom and hope it's still available (there was only two seats left at that price)?
2. Do I go ahead and book?
3. Do I not go becasue it won't help me feel better, is only escaping, and is a waste of money?

Please comment much more than usual about the last section. I need the input.

My Week Off

I cried today at therapy. I have a new strategy to work on this weekend to try to help me get some work done. I've come to the conclusion that even if I could normally get all this school stuff done and technically I should be able to, now, under these conditions, I can't. It's hard to admit to that because in my world I can always do everything when it comes down to it.

That said I think I might drop my egypt class and my classical art lecture. I have a good midterm grade in Egypt but a paper that's three weeks late. I failed my art lecture and haven't even started that paper that's due in one week. I could do the work in theory but not if I need to cathc up in the other classes I have good midterm results in and am not yet behind in and stiil have papers due for them. I have to talk to profs and advisors next week.

This means I will for sure have to do some school over summer and next fall (and even likely next spring unfortunately) but I just can't do it now. It also means I'll only be in three lectures next term plus one distance course. It keeps me full time funding wise but gives me more time to sort through things.

Tonight I did major clean up on both the computers so they actually have some free space again and not tons of duplicate music files. Miranda also called and we talked a bit. We're going for brunch on Friday and planning on over-priced but worth it massages and eucalyptus steams in early December. I'm also still considering going to England over the holidays but need to seriously price airfares and talk to Lily to see if it'll even work that time of year.

Tiny Update

I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I have nothing new and it is all the same and I feel like a broken record saying it. I also don't want to get into it and end up in tears.

I had a dream a few nitghts ago where I was going to school in some forgein country but I was still comparing it to England. Last night I had a dream where I found airfare to England for only $500.00.

I haven't been to school since last Thursday. I'm going to go tomorrow. I also have a therapy appointment. Last night I felt unfulfilled. Today I feel conflicted. I know I should go to schol but I just don't.

Control of something

1. Yesterday I had a councelling appointment at UBC. Afterwards I texted Titania the following. "I don't know how I can be so in control of feeling so retarded."

2. I had dinner with my mom and sister on Wednesday where I ended up crying at the restaurant and for the second time that day.

3. Earlier on Wednesday I got my art midterm back and I failed it. That's when I cried at the restaurant Titania and I were at for Lunch.

4. My mom agrees with all the investment plans I made with my sister and the investment planner. That is good.

5. My mom cried at dinner too. However, she wasn't supportive in the way I wanted about my school issues, but she did react in the way I expected but a tinier bit milder which is good overall.

6. I'm thinking about going to England over Christmas for a few days. It'll really depend on airfares and where I'd stay, and then if it maes any sense in general to do it.

7. Despite not studying until yesterday morning I feel great about how I did on my Visual Culture exam last night and it gave me a big energy boost that I really needed.

8. Falling asleep has gotten harder in the last two weeks but once I'm asleep I am good and I feel rested after a normal 8 hours. I did need to take ativan two nights ago to get me asleep.

9. There's some things ok and some things not. I'm still feeling very overwhelmed and worried about school but I feel less disconnected.

10. My mom suggested that if I'm not good for school right now I just let it go for a bit and work until I can collect myself. That was so upsetting and terrifying. I don't want to work. I want to be doing school. I could not imagine doing anything else than doing what I need for my MA. I have no alternative plan at all. That's all both scary and reassuring.

Tumbling

I was just talking (via MSN of course) to Lily and she told me Scotsman is in the hospital. He's in Glasgow so she's not sure what's going on but it's to do with his chrons. Lily is not doing well. It has to do with him (she still loves him but they are not together and he is dating someone else) but also just her. She is not happy and kind of in the same place I am. She suggested we move to Italy and become street mimes.

I didn't go to my lectures today. I feel like each day I am unravelling more. My sleep isn't so great anymore (I slept 13 hours today) and now I have two overdue papers and I haven't even started to work on studying for my Midterm on Thursday. I do have more energy in genereal and I have been exercising and working on getting therapy. But I am so disconnected and unmotivated. I feel like all I need is to finish this degree and move on but I just can't get myself to do the work involved in it.

I looked for airfares to go to England in December. Because I only have this little tiny window of time in between exams ending and Christmas it would only be for a week and $1000.00 at least for airfare. But it's all I want.

Last night was more dreaming about England and Vancouver and being in between them. I know life won't be perfect and easy there but I feel so out of step here. Downtown used to make me feel so intensely content with the world. I could go down there on a bad day at work and I'd feel better. But now, I feel awkward.

I don't want Scotsman to be sick. I want him to be fine and at home and healthy. I'm totally fucking up my own life. The last 5 months have been a blur. I don't know what I'm doing or why it's so hard to just write some silly papers and sit and take notes at every lecture. This post did not mean to go this way. I hate this. I know I'm doing it and only I have the power to end it but I don't and I hate that.