Getting somewhere

Well I am more relaxed about hearing from CRB. I put it out therGetting tirede that I do want to see him so when he calls we'll make plans. I have had no need to talk to him today. I'd still like to but I'm not feeling so stressed about it. Over the weekend would be nice if he's got some time becasue I will feel a bit lighter from exams and I always feel more relaxed on weekends.

I didn't go to group today. Instead Titania and I went for breakfast (Eggs Florentine, hashbrowns and Tea) then bought some stuff we needed for the christmas party. We also sent out a round of invites but there's still some more to do. It's getting every exciting and really coming together.

I'm going to try to do a paper tonight becasue I am ready to do two of the four and I know even though I don't want to do them I will feel way better once they are done. There's good tv on tonight though so I will do some of that too while crafting. I really just want school done so I can craft all day everyday and not feel like I should be doing something else.

Third

CRB did get back to me and he is otherwise occupied. He asked what was up and I just went pathetic and said I was just wanting some company and that even though I wasn't sure before I now know I do want to see him so when he has some time to let me know.

I am bored. I want to sleep but I can't really. Titania should be home soon and I can talk to her a bit. I obviously am feeling strained. I must absolutely do one of my papers tomorrow before group. I must avoid thinking about CRB and focus on myself.

But I want to see him. I want him to hug me. Maybe I wanted to be this person he wanted and was lonely for. I want to sit with him and feel him and feel what's happening with me. At first I was nervous but now I'm not. I want to know where things are and how I feel with him. Who is he now? Is the chemistry still there? Are the "what if's" still there? Does he see it too? I just want it all out in the open where I can deal with it and move forward. I don't have time to sit and dwell.

Titania is home. There'll likely be more tomorrow. But If he were to call me now and ask to meet I would be ready to go in five short minutes.

A Slippery Slope

We my mom came over and I showed her a bunch of the stuff I've been making. It got me excited and happy. Then Midge called and let me know when she'd be arriving to see me before I head off the England. But then I layed down and now I fdeel sad and alone. blech.

Titania won't be home for two or three hours and I should not contact CRB.Hhe'll phone me when he has time and wants to see me. He could be at work or out doing something. I guess I wonder if maybe he doesn't think I want to see him. But then I was the one who called last and I wouldn't have if I didn't want to talk.

I hate how my mood is still so fickle. I am so at the whim of the world. A phrase, commercial or moment can shift my mood for no good reason. I will go to group tomorrow and I have councelling on Thursday. I also have tons of homework to do I don't want to do at all. ever.

crap it. I'm texting. I asked if he was busy tonight or tomorrow. You all will know as soon as I do. How can I feel excited and self-loathing at the same time? Well both of those but in minor ways. More like jittery and like a loser. ugh again.

(10 minutes later: no answer from CRB and I wish my favorite discussion board wasn't down for maintenance until tomorrow.)

Unknown feelings

CRB never texted last night. He was drinking though and I wouldn't have wanted to see him if he was drunk. I will strongly resist the urge to call or text him and see when he gets ahold of me. I have other things to worry about. I don't feel hurt or disappointed but confused a bit. Nothing new when it comes to him though. I would invite him over tonight if he does contact me. I want to see him now. I want to have him hug me and make me feel warm and loved and like everything is going to be ok.

This morning I woke up and was stressed and exhausted from more crazy dreams. I didn't want to get out of bed at all but I have a presentation to do in a lecture today so I had too. Te bus ride took me from rainy Vancouver to snowy UBC. There's was a good 4 inches out there. I almost cried on the bus. Everything about the world felt sad.

I am feeling much better now. My presentation went well and people cheered me up. I know that being around people will usually help meak me feel ok but it's hard sometimes. I still feel low today but somehow feel I can do things I'm not really sure I can. I don't think that makes any sense.

(added at 20:40: I really want CRB to phone. I feel like a loser. ugh.)

Possibly Visiting

After the texting of last night I called CRB tonight. He was at a Christmas function so we didn't talk for long. I told him what to watch for food wise because he was at one of my favorite restaurants, which is only a few blocks from me. He said when things were done he would text me and see if I wanted to talk then. I said it depended on my progess with homework but it doesn't. It depends on me.

Part of it is that I want to look really good when he first sees me. I'd love to be wearing cute clothes, handmade jewelery, great eye make-up, straightened hair. But today I have unbrushed hair, no make-up or jewelery and yoga pants on. I also have no desire to get dolled up at this time of night.

Titania and I took a walk earlier to buy some groceries for dinner. I wasn't that hungry at all though so half of my dinner is still on the stove. But we walked and it was nice. We got some new magazines and chatted and laughed. It was good. It was also really cold out so I felt all bundeled and cozy - mittens, two hoodies, legwarmers, scarf, the whole bit. It's supposed to snow a few centimeters overnight which is super exciting.

I'll update if I do see him without a doubt. Oh! My main reason for updating at this point is that he told me he had no motive to see me again. He just wants to be my friend. He sees us no longer talking as just kind of losing touch and wanted to be in touch. He repeated about not wanting me to feel uncomfortable and if I wasn't good seeing him yet that was fine. He is being so super polite and considerate. Why am I so suspicious of him? He's never done anything to make me not trust him. hmmm.

Incapable

I slept through another morning lectures. I totally suck. I must go on to capmpus soon though becasue I need to prepare for the presentation I'm doing tomorrow. I also need to return books and get some others for another paper.

I also texted CRB at midnight. Both Titania and I were in bed but talking anyways as neither of us were tired. We said a few things about sleeping but then he asked to call and I said no because it would wake Titania. I said we would talk soon because I had things to ask him. He said I could go ahead now. Then I asked the "why now?" question but said he could answer it another day. I don't know if I wanted the answer last night even though I'm sure it's something small like wanting to know how I am. I can't imagine it being any great confession. Well I can and have but without anything to back it up.

Somehow I am feeling more settled about it this morning. Maybe that's just because I'm hardly awake and wish I could stay sleeping a few more hours. My back and neck are really really stiff. I'm going to go shower and if that helps.

Things to ask/say

1. I don't know what I'm doing. At all.

2. Why now after so many years?

3. What are your expectations?

4. I want to see you.

5. I want to really know you.

6. Have you really grown up?

7. Can you see me as I am now?

8. Do we have anything in common?

9. If something hasn't happened by now should it?

10. You've never been dishonest but I don't know I can trust you.

(added at 17:49)
11. How do you feel when you think of me?

12. Do you think of me?

to be continued...

(added at 18:33: I need to not think about this so much and relax.)

Perfectly wasted

Well I just got out of the shower after watching a film from ded and sleeping in a lot. Titania went out for breakfast but is back sleeping in her bed. I haven't eaten yet and realized my appetite is fairly non existant. I'm sure that's due partly to stress, partly to not wanting to cook and partly to having very little food in the house.

Last night I had an orgasm. It was slow but put me right to sleep. Made me feel half normal again too. That said, this morning I don't feel like my sex drive has returned or anything.

I've been thinking about CRB of course. As I was watching the film i was wondering if he would have watched it with me and been genuinely interested. I don't know and I'd say the person he was 4 years ago would not have enjoyed it at all. I want to talk to him and I want to see him but I'm not going to until school is done. Well I might talk to him again but only if he calls me. And that's not some sort of testing of his interest it's just mee needing to focus on getting school done so I can relax for a bit.

As side but related note, both IceHockey and Red are getting invites to the Christmas party but CRB is not. That would put me on edge way too much. I think when I first see him it will be just us but in public - coffee, cinema, or something similar. I'm obviously thinking about this too much. Nothing new when it comes to him though.

But I have to put it aside (if all the while hoping he'll call me just to say hello) so I can do school work. I have tons to do today and the day is certainly almost half over. I might not even bother getting dressed. I wonder if there's any cheese made-for-tv Chirstmas films on tonight like last week. Could be great distracting drivel for a few hours.

Smiling

Well I feel ok that I phoned him. Midge said I should know what I want but I don't. Chatton thinks he's probably just lonely and remembers me as someone he was happy with. I don't think I'll see him until after school is done and maybe not until after I get back from England.

But to add to it all somehow I had kind of let go of seeing IceHockey again. We had both been busy and not talking - no big deal though. However, Chatton and I were walking to catch the bus today and I heard my name being shouted. I turned around and IceHockey was calling me from out of a car window. We said hello and how are you. Then we both kind said we should call each other and go out. Chatton was totally confused about who it was so I explained. I'm definately still interested in his friendship if we do end up having one.

But back to what I want in reference to CRB. In a way I've never really known what I've wanted from him. Chatton asked if I'd be comfortable with just taking the comfort and sweet treatment and maybe some gifts and just leaving it at that. I honestly don't think I would. First I just hate people buying me stuff unless it's a friendship where we know it'll all even out - like with Titania or Chatton. But if he wanted more I couldn't lead him on in any way.

Would I want more though? I really don't know. We've never really been friends at a time where we could really date. When we were younger Red was my best friend and was very jealous of my friendship with CRB and the one time we almost went out she stopped talking to both of us. Then, when we were next close he was dating someone. He said to me at that time that he wished we had actually gotten together. Plus I always felt like he was going to kiss me so I avoided eye contact becasue he was coupled and I didn't want to be the other girl at all.

But now neither of those things are in the way. But that doesn't matter if I'm not attracted and stimulated by him. I wasn't really before. He just was so nice to me and I always felt cared for with him. Like he'd do almost anything if I asked him to and would never intentionally do something to hurt me. That's not enough for a relationship though. FOr me I have to want him and I have to learn from him. I don't know if either of those things are possible.

I guess it comes down to what I am willing to want rather than what I do want. So much of it will depend on what he might want and what I see in him now. Four years after our last contact and after him discovering he needed to do something with his life and actually took action to do it.

Whatever comes of this I am happy I phoned. I felt nervous but supported and that he was really glad to hear from me. It did sound like he really wanted to see me but heard my hesitation and acknowledged it and said it was ok and he understood. I do think that when I do see him I will ask why he wanted to get back in touch with me now. I do admit that I do want to be hugged by him. and the "by him" part is part of the need. I sighed after writing that. It will bring complication into my life.

Oh, what I wanted to say also is that I can't see myself really dating him or kissing him. But I can't really see myslef doing that with anyone. That may be because I feel crazy most days and I don't feel like I could be positively involved with anyone. Plus my sex drive is so low I don't think I've had an orgasm in nearly a month or even given a passing desire to wank a second thought. Why be dating someone if I have no want for sex or any feeling like I could offer anything to another person.

One final admittance. I do want to have in call me this week as he suggested he would. I know I;'ll wonder if it's him whenever my phone rings. I know I'll hesitate answering when I see his name on the call display. I know that I will still want him to hug me if I do turn down seeing him this week. sigh again.

I phoned

1. He sounded the same.

2. He could tell I was nervous.

4. He called me darling and honey.

5. He used the word love in reference to me.

6. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.

7. He invited me to Lunch next week. I said I wasn't sure yet.

8. He talked to me openly.

9. He was so sweet.

10. He wants to see me but is ok if I don't want to.