Further frustration

So a little while after I wrote I got a phone call from a cool thrift shop in the city. They wanted to know if I was still looking for work. I am so I went in for an interview. It went really well and I was scheduled for a training/trial shift. I went and grabbed something to eat and then headed to my doctor.

My doctor checked a bunch of things and decided to do blood work. There's basically two options. One is that I have a random bacterial infection in my lymph nodes and a run of antibiotics will fix it. The other is that I have mumps. yup, mumps. So I will go for blood tests in the morning and hopfully they will get the results to my doctor quickly, becasue if it's not an infection they have to do a mumps screening which will take a week.

And becasue it might be mumps I am contagious and can't "share air space" with anyone. This means no work tomorrow, at least, and worst case senario is that no work until the screening comes back in a week. This means even less money, no new job at the thrift store, and cancelling another make-up job for this weekend. And missing my nephews birthday.

I'm sad and really hope it's just an infection. I need to work and I need this new job.

time off

I decided not to go into work today. Instead I am going to stay home and clean my craft stuff that has exploded all over the dining room table. I made a spreadsheet to track my spending starting today. It's all part of trying to get myself financially comfortable again. I applied for three more jobs last night, and still have a few I have to go do in person. I feel like moving but know it's the least of my concerns right now.

I have a doctors appointment tonight because my neck is swollen. I noticed it yesterday morning, and it hasn't gotten any better over night. I called and she was fully booked, so I left a message becasue I'm not sure if I should be worried about it. She didn't call me back, but the receptionist did and gave me a late appointment. I hope it's not a big deal.

I've taken a bit of a break from filmmaker and haven't seen him since Sunday morning. We've only talked a tiny bit but will be staying in and watching movies tomorrow night. I know he recognizes that I'm putting distance but I just need it right now. I feel there's pressure to do something, and I just can't have it right now. Hopefully we'll just be quiet and low key tomorrow.

heavy

This week has been ridiculous.

The woman never called back about training but I gave a way a great make-up job so accomodate when she said she was hoping to trin me. The results of this: I am back to looking for work and I feel like my make-up work has lost momentum. Also, my boss knows I don't want to be there, and am doing it because I'm obligated (his advice is to do a job I hate for money; it sucked and I cried at work). More also is that I magically got my phone bill paid off, but still can't afford my rent, no matter food, once the 1st comes around.

I need a job. I applied for three since Thursday, and will do a round of in person resumes on Thursday morning. Still have two others I am considering. I've switched to full time work too, as long as I can get one weekday off per week.

But I'm tired and stressed and having a very hard time sleeping. As a result of this, I'm being distant with the filmmaker. He was over last night and ther was not a single mouth-to-mouth kiss I was in such a frustratated mood. I've even become frustrated by my apartment that never got finished being renovated. But I can't afford anything else and I'm in a lease.

But Filmmaker. He's giving me things I can't return. He dropped his phone the other morning and freaked out and I was so irritated. I mean, just put the battery in and the case back together and it's fine. But he was panicked, like it was broken. I wasn't mean but I wasn't supportive. I just took all the pieces and put it back together and told him it wasn't a big deal, the pieces can come apart. And how do you not know that? I didn't say that last part though.

And his dad was in town on Friday so we went for dinner and it was fine, but quiet. I felt like he should have made more effort to encourage conversation. And I suggested Shabusen (as well as a few other places) because he wanted somewhere nice and he said his Dad had mentioned BBQ, but then his dad said he didn't eat sushi or was that into BBQ. I just felt off about it. But then the whole day was off.

But what was good this week? My mom saw my stress and took me shopping so I could be more comfortable going for interviews. and Filmmaker got me a bunch of jewelery for valentines and it was all nice. And I watched good movies. And I was able to pay my credit card bill on time and finally get my phone bill up to date.

But I don't know if I am falling in love with filmmaker. this is almost weighing on me as much as not having money. I feel like I should be, but I don't think I am. A week ago I kind of did though so who knows. But today I'm not sure if I'd be that upset about not seeing him anymore. I'd be upset about not seeing someone, but I don't know if there's more.

He put warcraft onto my computer, which is fine by me, but it was saying there wasn't enough space half way though, which was untrue, because there were several gigs (it turned out to be an error with the downloading) but he asked me if I could clear some more space. And I was irritated by the request because it's my computer and I was basically letting him use up the last of the space already. And I was thinking of getting him keys and now I don't want to.

Everything feels huge and overwhelming. My nail program fells like it's hindering me getting a job right now (I'm going to stop telling people about it) but ti also feels like the best way to get a consistant job in the industry come September when the program is done. See, it just all keps adding up.

One thing

He loves me. Filmmaker said he loves me. And he's ok if I just say "Thank you" in response.

I guess that was two things.

some resolution

Well I have a second job. I got a call today about the interview on Wednesday. It's reception for a spa/salon, potential for full-time nail tech work once I'm done school in September, decent pay with a raise in 3 months, cost on product (AG, Dermalogica, OPI) and free spa and hair services.

But there's a problem. Becasue when I start school in May I won't be able to do all the hours, they are hiring two people. The other girl is in school, so I will be more on-call than anything. But there will be some sort of regularity, with first chance on extra shifts if people need time off. If it didn't have long-term potential I totally would not have agreed to it.

But I don't feel great or like a weight has been lifted. I still don't have money to pay my bills or my rent at the end of the month.

Filmmaker is spending more and more time here. It's nice and I want him here but I'm worried in some ways. Like should there be love before there's semi-co-habitating? The last people I moved in with are no longer my friends. But I don't know if this is what he's thinking. He already has a toothbrish here, but I think things more things are quickly on their way.

I have been thinking of including key's with what I've done for a valentines gift. This is partly becasue he often comes over late after work, and I have to stay up to let him in and partly because sometimes I leave early and it would be nice if I could just leave him sleep and he could let himself out. But then the above concerns come in.

He started to get serious before he left today, but was in a rush and couldn't really get into it expect that he wants to be spending more time here. (When would he play warcraft???) Am I ridiculous for being concerned that he is falling in love with me when I don't know if I'm there yet? I mean I don't know what it looks like. In a super strange way, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to yet. How do I go about addressing that even?

And I found out he spent a lot of money on me for valentines. Like more than a typical montly phone bill. He knows I can't really spend anything at all but is ok with that. And I know what I am doing for him is super sweet and thoughtful, and I have good ideas for his birthday, but I feel anxious. Not becasue I don't want it, but because I'm worried about what it means. I know he ian't coming at me with bad motives, it's more that I'm wondering what feeling is behind it.

I think a talk is in order. Before Valentines, so it doesn't happen then and we can just relax.But I do like the general direction of things. I am comfortable with where it is, and I want it to go forward, but I don't know what the "right" way for that to happen is. I do know there is no "right" way but I want one to gauge myself against. To get a bit of security from.

And on a side note, the woman who took pictures as his wedding is Midge's cousin who I was really good friends with in my post-high-school/pre-Europe days. Super weird.

I am going to break this once a week pattern. I think about posting, but just haven't been. I haven't been spending as much time being active online in general.

I find out today if I got a job I interviewed for on Wednesday. I really really want it because it's perfect. It was a weird interview where she really didn't ask me very much but spent most of the time explaining the job to me. It was strange. But it would be good in so many ways if I got it.

Otherwise there's not much on the job front. If I don't get this I am going to do another round of resumes and apply at the new Urban Outfitters that's opening. I finally applied at mac but since they hire by group interviews, It could be over a month before I hear from them. I can't wait for that at all. Beautymark will be in my next round of attempts also. So will be The Body Shop, Sears and the Bay. And the new shoppers downtown with the good make-up. But I like the idea of this job so much more than those.

I also decided that I am going to get rid of my credit card. The bill is maxed right now (over-maxed actually) but I am going to get rid of my physical card. The only thing that will go on it are my etsy charges and my zipdvd (like netflix) charges. Then I will pay double my minimum until so these charges will be paid every month until I get my other bills paid. Then I will pay $100.00 per month if I can afford it. That will have it paid off reasonably quickly.

That's one part of my "getting back on my finaincial feet" plan. Getting a job will dictate the rest of it. But for now, I must go bak to doing the job that is paying me right now.

Oh, Filmmaker has some sort of plan for valentines day. He had an appointment in a residential area on Thursday to pick me up something. I'm curious and excited. I also figured out what my actual gift is going to be, now that I can't afford a hoodie right now. That idea will hopefully get done for his birthday next month though.

Summing Up

I don't like only writing once a week. This week, though, has been very busy. There's a lot of stuff.

School was good. My final school project was good, but not spectacular. Well technically it was good, but the inspiration of my idea didn't translate into the finished piece. The second to last day (penultimate) was long but moderatly interesting. Stuff about resumes and cards and portfolios. Lots of motivational stuff too. SOme of it of value and some of it not, as is usually the case with those kinds of things. Wednesday morning was more of the same with lots of goal setting thrown in. That was really useful.

Then in the afternoon we met in the studio and had food and cake and top student was announced. I didn't get it though, I was the other one being considered. That's a bit tough, but I know that my teacher has complete faith in me - she's already recommended me for work. I think the person who got it was much better in the special effects part, but also completely lacked confidence and motivation. I guess she needed it more in some way.

After that, we went bowling with our teacher (I didn't bowl, I kept score) and then went to Subeez for dinner. After saying good bye, nearly tearfully, I met a model I'm doing a shoot with on the 23rd to decide on looks. I also had to go home and prep for a job that I got that day for the next day through filmmaker.

That job was all day Thursday. Super stressful at start, but then once there it was totally fine. Not exciting really, but fun. Like it was cool to see my work and have it look good, but it was lots of sitting around. Oh! The job was doing make-up for a social work training video. I felt kind of dirty because the only reason I got the job was becasue I was sleeping with the camera guy. However, it was my first film job, and also my first paying one! It was a REAL job which was exciting. Especially the day after graduating.

So now I have this photoshoot in two weeks, and a tv job on the 14th. Neither are paying but the first will be great for my portfolio, and the second will actually air on tv (urban rush). I am also going to really apply to mac tomorrow and at another salon for reception.

Still stressed about money. Basically I don't really have any and need a second job so thatI can pay my bills and stop worrying so much. Also, I'm sad that I haven't seen Orange in at least two weeks.

Wow, I'm tired. Tomorrow is job stuff, doctor and craft group. I think I was going to say some stuff about Filmmaker, but I'm not going to tonight. Tomorrow maybe.

Still Over Full

I'm scared of applying at Mac. Everytime I go in to apply I wimp out. It's weird. I did apply to two other places today though, and am meeting with a model about some TFP work this month. That last part is super exciting becasue it's in make-up and will help build my book up.

I am also getting a new bigger bed tonight, so my full day got even more full.

Oh, and if I know the livejournal of the ex-wife, should I read it? or is it wrong? She didn't like being compared to me either. yuck. Filmmaker had a rough night becasue of it.

Over full

Well yesterday was stupid. FIlmmaker came over in the morning and we tried to sort things out. It was basically me telling him what I needed and the nature of my upset moments and giving him more about why they happen, or why they might happen. I did speak of the England confusion. He was good with all of it. He was confused a bit but said he thinks I'm worth it (hmm, this sounds like stuff from a month ago). He did ask why I'm even doing this whole dating thing though, and I couldn't give him an answer until last nightt.

Then I left home way later than I had hoped to, and then MAC was busy and I didn't have the right info to get what I needed and just feel apart. I just went home (via the grocery store) without getting anything done. Then, while at the grocery store, CRB phoned me. I told him I was having a bad day and didn't want to talk and he just said to call him sometime and not be a stranger.

As a result of getting nothing done yesterday, I have a crazy amount of stuff to do today. Hence why I am up this early and already showered. Following that I must go. Get dressed pretty, with make-up and all becasue I am going to go apply for the jobs I needed to apply to yesterday and then I need all the things I had to do today done as well.


And no new bed. And no filmmaker overnight until Wednesday.

Loaded

Hmm. So it's been over a week and there's lots going on. Today I feel sad and not hopeful, which is quite the opposite of yesterday.

I'm still not in a good money position. My mom paid me back some more so I'll have enough for rent, but everything after that is worrying and it's hard to know how to ration it out. I asked my credit card for an extension on my credit limit, but I didn't get it, which isn't that surprising really.

As per a discussion with Orange last week some more CD's are being sold because I never listen to them anyways.

Also on the list for today is resumes. I emailed a bunch out yesterday and I have three in person ones to do today. They are all decent jobs at reasonable pay, except one, but it's nearly guaranteed. But I'd prefer one of the others. I don't know. I mean I do know I'll feel better once I find other work but it'd be extra awesome if it's actually something I want to do for a while.

Last night I spent time with both Blondie and little boat, which was very nice. And I might be getting the new bed from Miranda this weekend, but I haven't heard from her so I'm not really sure. I have to actually clean my room and move the existing bed before that happens though. Tomorrow I have tons of prep work for my final practical assignment at school but Imight take a break and go out to Richmond to meet some Blythe collectors.

Bit there's filmmaker, which might be the source of my sadness this morning. Or much of it. I think I need to start at some sort of beginning. He knows a bit of about my dad, europe and coming home, but only the bare minimum, no details, no real feelings.

Last week and aunt of mine died and yesterday my mom and sister went to the island for her funeral. I didn't go. Instead I made a card and when FIlmmaker came over I was deciding what to write in it. He suggeted that I think about what people wrote me and what made me feel better. So I told him I never read any of the cards, or the guest book. His response was a non-judgemental "wow, you really haven't dealt with it". It didn't hit me at the time, but later, post-sex laying in my bed it did.

I brought up seriousness because he compared me to his ex in his life journal and I needed to tell him that it made me uncomfortable becasue I wanted to be good on my own, not becasue I was better than her. But that I also understood it's natural to compare and that his livejounrla is for his friends who have known him for a while. I understood that and said he can keep writing whatever he wants but to be aware when he's talking with me.

So then he brought up seriousness in exchange. I don't really know what he said but it was something about my dad and "how I am" and I just started crying becasue it's not that simple and I don't expect or even need him to understand. But I was upset and I wanted to tell him to go home. He wouldn't which was good, but I just can't explain it all.

I can't explain the I miss my dad for everything in the future that he won't be a part of. And I'm frustrated with my mom these days, but she's all I have but she can't give me what I need. I need the thoughtfulness of my dad. I needed it at Christmas, I needed it on my Birthday. I need it now becasue I'm stressed and broke and doing all these things I don't know about.

And I can't explain England. Because explaining England is telling him this must end. And that I'm never going to be satisfied and happy here. But it's also that I don't even have areality of England now. It's all far away and abstract and never going to be what I had. And how my dad and europe are connected. And how I kind of lost two lives in one day and I'm still trying to build a new one that I don't trust will ever be complete.

And yesterday morning he said he couldn't stay over because he had something to do this morning. It wasn't until the day progressed that I realized I was confused why he didn't tell me what. It might be becasue it's about his ex and he knows I don't always want to hear about her. But then as I was coming home I texted him to see if he was done work and to say hi but I didn't hear back. And then my head got filled with irrational insecurites. And maybe it still is.

And now he just texted me to say he's awake but I don't want him. I want my dad. I want to know that I can do this with no doubts about if I'll actually be able to do it like my mom has. But it's really hard to epxlain to someone who really wants to make you feel better and doesn't like seeing you sad. You can't tell them they're not enough. Especially when the not enough is because you need something bigger than anyone can give.

And I am dealing with things. but they are huge things and they are going to take a really really long time and they just can't be encapsulated into something small. And I'm working really really hard at it most times. I try to be really self-aware about it all. And it's not like it all started with my dad. It's hard to explain. Men like to fix things - say it's all go away. But it won't for me. It'll get better, easier, but it's won't go away.

And when he gets emoitional or insecure I get scared and almost paralyzed. I can't say anything, no matter something reassuring. I can't do what I know is necessary.

But I must do resumes today. I must make my hair and make-up look awesome. And I must get laundry done. And I must not spend any money that is not absolutely necessary.